Hey you guys! Feeling okay today - not great but not horrible. I cut my hair, which is awesome! This chapter is pretty intense. 3 3

To Only Hope No Fear: Haha what do you mean 'good chapter'? There are no good chapters! MWAHAHAHA! Thanks for wishing us luck… we'll see how it goes.

WARNINGS: slight dehumanization, mentions of death, mentions of PTSD, flashbacks to torture, paranoia

Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT

And now, the chapter!

"How long was it- I gone?" Raphael corrected himself quickly, Mikey didn't seem to notice, but he hesitated. "Mike?" the youngest turtle let out a slow breath.

"Around five weeks, and you didn't wake up until the middle of week six." Raph frowned, trying to do the math.

"And Leo can already walk and run?" he asked, surprised, Mikey smiled a bit.

"Yeah, he's been doing totally awesome! Donnie's really impressed with his progress." he declared, leaning on the edge of the couch, which Raphael was seated on with a blanket over his thin legs. He'd had trouble walking and using his arms because they'd been immobile for nearly a month, after the one time he had been taken off the frame, it was the only one. Raphael shuddered suddenly, remembering the days. "You're alright," Mikey said softly, Raph glanced at him. He looked pale and withdrawn, and Raph had noticed over the past two days that he seemed to speak up, almost take charge.

"What's up with you?" he asked, Mikey frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." Raph said, "you're different, what changed?"

"You're different too," Mikey said stubbornly, then sighed. "We don't know how to tell you, I dunno if you'll like it." Raph felt worry and fear grip him.

"Mikey?" anxiety crept into his voice, as he no longer tried to hide it behind gruffness and anger. "What happened?"

"Nothing bad!" Mikey promised, eyes wide, "just...Leo can't be the leader anymore, because of his leg, so...they decided I should. I dunno why, I feel horrible at it, but I guess me and Leo kinda work together, I dunno." he sighed, looking at the television screen, which was flickering black and white dots. Raph stared at him. Mikey? Lead? He had never expected that. Never wanted it. But he could tell that wasn't it, he frowned. He knew that look, that look he'd caught Leo wearing for split seconds after Splinter and Shredder were killed, it scared him to think what may have caused that look to appear on Michelangelo's face, and Raph pulled his legs up to his chest, closing his eyes.

"How did you find me, anyway? He...kept changing where he was, and I didn't even know if I was in this country or heck anymore, how did you find me?" he repeated the question, Mikey opened his mouth to respond but wavered. "Mike, please?" Mikey took a deep breath.

"We thought you were dead." Raph nodded, he knew that. He'd thought he was dead too, and for a few days he had been, he hadn't cared about himself at all and wanted to be dead. "And Leo and Donnie wanted revenge, and we went to find T-Tigerclaw." Mikey's voice cracked, but he composed himself quickly. "We got into kind of an argument because I didn't...I didn't think you wanted us to kill Tigerclaw." Raph was surprised, Mikey looked at him searchingly.

"Never thought about it." he replied uncomfortably, "I wouldn't want you guys to get hurt trying to avenge my death, but I see where you were coming from."

"Anyway," Mikey blew out a breath. "I found Tigerclaw, on accident, the Kraang paralyzed him with powder, he was dying anyway. And I got mad because I thought he killed you. I got really really mad, and I...I…." his shoulders shook and he buried his face in his hands. "I killed him, Raphie, I killed him!" Raph felt torn between reaching out and putting a hand on Mikey's shoulder, or simply speaking comfort because while he had finally become accustomed to touching himself, contact from others still made shivers run down his shell. Finally, brotherly instinct won and he gently touched Mikey's freckled arm. Mikey looked at him in surprise.

"It's alright Mikey, it's ok." he whispered, "like you said, if he was dying any way you might have been doing the old cat a favor." Mikey blinked as if he hadn't thought of that before, and then his face split into a grin.

"Thanks, Raph," he said gratefully, then looked at his knees. "But...I killed someone else too, and I hate it!" Raph was shocked, Mikey, sweet innocent Mikey, had killed more than once? Raphael hadn't even killed a person in his life yet!

"Who?"

"Sanguine." Mikey gasped, looking up at Raph with tears in his eyes as Raphael flinched at the word. "I killed him when we ran into that room and you were screaming, and he was just sitting in his lab doing his work, I got so angry, and I killed him." Raph had no clue what to say, he hadn't wanted to know what happened when his brothers found him, he really hadn't. But it made him feel like he mattered to know that Michelangelo had been so furious, and that was something the turtle had not felt for a while.

"Thanks, Mikey." he said softly, then paused, "who killed the others?" Michelangelo looked at Raph questioningly, Raph felt a thrill of fear.

"The other what's?" he asked, looking worried. Raph felt himself start to shake. The others weren't dead, those three other humans could still be looking for him, they might find them!

"No, no no." he whispered, scrambling painfully away from Mikey, his wasted muscles aching already, "no! Please, tell me that's a joke, Mikey!"

"Raph, it's ok!" Mikey jumped to his feet, "what others? There were other scientists?" Raph felt tears well up in his eyes. He thought he was safe, he was safe! "Raph, tell me!"

"You will tell me where they are." he snarled, walking back to Raph, "I know you will." he paused, twirling the scalpel in his fingers. "Let me see, where are turtles such as yourself most sensitive?"

"NO!" he grabbed his head, feeling the hot tears run down his cheeks as he shook in fear. "NO! It's sorry! It's sorry!"

"Raph, stop, you're alright!" Mikey said in alarm, kneeling on the couch in front of his terrified brother, "what did I say?

"I won't tell you!" Raph cried, "I won't tell where the other turtles are!" Mikey froze, staring at his brother. Raphael's artichoke eyes were open now, and glassy, as if he were someplace else.

"Tell me where they are." he hissed. "You do not yet know what pain I can conflict on you!" Raph refused to speak, it was the one thing he had left, control over what he said. He could not even control his eyes anymore, as they flooded tears. One would think he'd run out of moisture, being already dehydrated, but maybe the iv drip in his arm was supplying him the moisture he'd used to live this long. Obviously furious, Sanguine stalked back out of Raphael's line of sight, and Raph felt panic rush through him. What was the crazy person going to do? A cold hand gripped the inside of each thigh and shivers ran up and down Raph's body.

"No! It's sorry!" Raph pleaded, "Please stop! It's sorry! It's sorry It lied!" Mikey knew what was happening, Raph was having some kind of panic attack or flashback, Donnie and Leo were in the dojo doing physical therapy, but at Raphael's scream, Mikey heard them come running.

"Raph, it's ok!" he insisted, hugging Raph tightly, "You're home, you're home! I promise you're alright!" Leo and Donnie were coming in, eyes wide as they ran to see what was happening.

"No! Stop it!" Raphael's voice cracked, "It's sorry! It won't lie again!" he started sobbing, And Mikey held him tightly, feeling tears hit his own eyes. How could this have happened to Raph? Strong, angry, warrior Raph?

"What happened Mikey?"

"We were just talking, and then he started having a panic attack!" Mikey exclaimed, eyes wide, then winced, "I told him about me killing Sanguine, and he asked...who killed the others. That's when it started."

"Others?" Leo asked, eyes wide. "Other whats, scientists?" Mikey nodded as Raph screamed again, nearing the unearthly shriek they'd heard in the bunker.

"Raph, I got you!" Mikey cried, tears sliding down his freckled cheeks, "I have you! You're ok!" slowly, slowly, Raphael's sobbing started growing quieter, and he stopped shaking uncontrollably. Raph opened his eyes and peered up at Mikey in confusion.

"M-M-Mikey? Where…" he looked around and then collapsed into his brother's arms in relief.

"I got you," Mikey repeated softly. Leonardo and Donatello sat on the couch beside the two of them, looking stricken.

"Raph, it's alright, you're safe," Donnie promised, Raph took a shuddering breath.

"No, they're still out there." he whispered into Mikey's arms, "they're going to find me."

"Who?" Leo asked, not wanting the answer.

"The other three scientists, they want me back, I know it," Raph replied, trembling, Leo, Mikey, and Don looked at each other.

"We didn't see any other scientists in the bunker." Leo said, "and there was only the one truck, we didn't know there were others." Raph pulled away from Mikey, feeling the phantom hands examining him, feeling the stares, and hugged his legs again.

"They're out there." he whispered, "they're coming. I know it!" he choked back yet another cry of despair. "Humans are not friends."

"April! What are you doing here?" Donnie asked in a hushed voice, looking apologetic, "is something wrong?" April looked at him sadly.

"How's Raph? I want to see him, is he better about it now? My phone broke or I would have called." She replied, looking at the ground. "I mean, I helped rescue him, why doesn't he want to see me?"

"It's not you." Don promised, "he...doesn't like humans very much at the moment."

"Oh," she said softly, Don put a three-fingered hand on her shoulder. "That makes sense, I guess, but he needs to get over it eventually, right? How is he, at least?" Don bit his lip.

"Not that good, now that you ask," he admitted. "He had a panic attack yesterday when he found out we didn't kill the other scientists, but we never saw any others."

"oh," April said again, feeling her lip tremble. "I wish I could help him, Donnie! I want to be able to help you guys through this, but I don't want Raphael to hate me!" Don sighed.

"I know, April, but, whenever we try to talk about it he goes right back into his shell, and says the same thing over and over, either that or won't talk to us at all." April felt tears well up in her eyes and she threw her arms around the brown-eyed turtle's neck.

"I'm sorry, Donnie! I know I was being selfish by coming here!" she cried, "but I was just so worried about all, and I missed seeing you, and I was hoping I could see Raph, but I know it's a bad idea, I'm sorry Donnie."

"Donnie, where are you?" Leo's voice called, "I need some help with my leg." Don backed away from April, eyes kind.

"I can probably come to hang out later tonight, ok? Just let me get the OK from Mikey and let them know, I'll come around after sunset." he smiled sheepishly. "I miss hanging out with you and Casey too, but you better go before Raph hears you, he knows who you are and everything but…" he sighed. "He doesn't think humans, in general, can be trusted." April nodded, then smiled.

"See you tonight, Donnie!" she called as Donnie hurried into the lair to assist his brother with the newest prosthetic. April O'Neil sighed and turned to walk home. She missed when she could hang out with the guys, she missed training with them and going on patrol, she missed Raphael.

Raph dragged himself across the floor to the lab, panting heavily. Mikey and Leo were in the dojo, but he hadn't heard from Donnie for a while, and for some reason that worried the green eyed mutant. Raphael pulled himself to his feet with the wall and looked around the lab, it was empty.

"Donnie?" he called, voice weak, he hadn't tried to walk so far without help yet, and obviously hadn't been ready. "Donnie, where are you?" no reply, Raph felt fear hit him. What if Donnie was gone, what if they'd found him? "DONNIE!" Leo and Mikey came running, Raph heard the clunk of Leo's prosthetic leg, but he didn't care, he had to find Donnie.

"Raph, what are you doing?" Mikey demanded, supporting Raphael before he could fall.

"Where's Donnie?" Raph demanded, eyes wide in fear. "Where's Donatello?" they looked at each other.

"Oh, he went out for a bit." Mikey said, "he's fine, Raph, and we're here." Raph frowned, where would Donnie go? Either a junkyard, or to hang out with the humans…

"He's with them." he gasped, "I know it!" the mutant yanked away from his younger brother and consequently crashed to the floor, but he had adrenaline enough to drag himself toward the garage. "He's with the humans, Mikey!"

"Raph, calm down!" Mikey commanded, running over to kneel beside him. "Donnie's fine, he just went to hang out with April, and besides, she's not really human, if you think about it."

"Yes, she is!" Raph insisted, "five fingers, pale skin, she's a human, Mikey! And Human's aren't friends!" he pushed mikey away but the collapsed, gasping for breath, unable to go any farther. "It's not safe! Donnie needs to come back before they find him!"

"Raph, how would the scientists find him?" Mikey asked reasonably, "they were in Tennessee, or Arkansas, not New York, besides, April would never betray Donnie." Raph considered this, for the first time since he'd gotten back. Of course, he knew April was a kraang/human sub-species, but she'd been raised by humans as a human, and to him that made her qualify. And as for the girl not betraying them, how could he be sure? After all, she'd accidentally almost killed Donatello before...he frowned deeper. But then again, that had been possession. Raphael himself had tried to kill his brothers under mind control. Shell, now his conscious hated his fear, pretty soon he'd be afraid of the fear itself.

"I know she won't." he insisted, "but Donnie has to come home, Mikey, what if someone see shim? What if the scientists find him? They'll hurt him, Mikey!" he finally plucked up the energy to start dragging himself toward the exit again, "make him come home!"

"No, Raph, I won't." Mikey said, folding his arms. "If you want to get better, we need to stop coddling you, you're going to have to get used to the idea of us going topside, and that Casey and April are our friends, ok?"

"Humans aren't friends…" Raph protested weakly, but he knew Mikey was right. What was wrong with him? He knew in his mind and in his heart that there was nothing to fear, but the rest of him wouldn't listen.

"Raph, please." Leo begged from the doorway, "come watch a show with us or something?" Raph considered this, he would not cuddle, but he never really did before, that he remembered anyway.

"Maybe…." he sighed. "Do some stretching?" Mikey and Leo looked at each other in surprise. Just an hour earlier, to distract Raph from Donnie's departure, they had tried to convince him to come to the dojo and 'train', which they all knew would just be him stretching and regaining his full motor skills.

"Only if you promise you won't try to go bring Don back." Mikey said, hauling Raphael to his feet. Raph leaned heavily on him and nodded, face glum. They made their way slowly into the pit in front of the tv, and Leo put in one of Raphael's favorites, while Mikey positioned himself and helped Raph get ready to start stretching.

"Let's start with the simple ones." he said, Raph nodded, mouth in a hard determined line. He had to get back on his feet as soon as possible, if only to protect his brothers.

Welp, there's some of our Raphie-boy back! Five chapters left… and oh boy you're gonna hate me. It's all good. Still not sure what my next project will be - I'll probably have a poll next week. Anyway, yeah! Thanks for reading and please review!

Until next time,

-C.J.L.