A/N: Okay, so I haven't updated in ages. I totally forgot about fanfiction altogether. So, I decided to put some stuff about Chuck Norris, because he is totally awesome. Lots of references to Chuck Norris Facts.

Bella Emmett Alice Edward Jasper Rosalie

I'm hungry.

Me too. –stares at bella-

popsicles!

I agree.

what a weird word.

I has an idea!

Wow, that's unexpected.

Are you saying I'm stupid?

Yeah, pretty much.

-sob-

...tell us your idea, Emmett.

Bloodsicles!

Huh?

Care to contribute, dearest Bella?

Ummm, no, not really. I like it when my blood is kept INSIDE my body, thanks.

But if you keep all that blood in your body, someday you'll explode! It's a proven fact.

Uh, yeah! I saw it on the news this mroing!

Come on Bella, it's time you did something useful for this family.

-is scared-

I can taste your fear.

-licks Jasper-, I can taste it too. Tastes like cherry chapstick.

Oh, don't go all lesbo on me now... My life is bad enough already.

Emmett! Stop oh-so-subtly nudging that knife towards Bella.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise I was doing it. I guess my sub-conscious and hungry mind was taking over my hand movements.

You know you can't lie to me...

-shrugs- I can try!

Uh, no, not really.

Let me re-phrase that for him. He can try, and he can fail.

Kind of like escaping from Chuck Norris.

He's my herooooooo. He's so sexy.

I think we, being awesome vampires, can escape Chuck Norris.

Don't even say that. He'll hear you!

Alice, don't you know; Chuck Norris is never wrong. So when the question is 'Who can Alice not escape from?' the answer will be Chuck Norris, because he said so.

The answer is ALWAYS Chuck Norris. Like; 'Who would Emmett turn gay for?' Chuck Norris.

Who is sexier than Emmett? Chuck Norris.

Who has a bigger penis than Emmett? Chuck Norris. Hands down. Pun intended.

Hey, stop ganging up on me –sob-

But it's true. His penis is the size of a baby whale. When he was born the doctors thought he had three legs.

E=mc^2? Wrong. E = Chuck Norris.

It's true. I hear he's good in bed. Pure ecstasy. He's amazing.

And he's almost 69.

That's one of the things I'll miss about being a vampire. I'll never be 69. I'll never be as old as Chuck Norris.

That's a depressing thought. OH MY GOD, Chuck Norris will die sometime in the next few decades. I don't think I can live without him.

Me either. I'm in love with him.

-swoon-

Hey!

Pfft. Well, I'm still hungry. Bee are bee.

That's Emmett-talk for 'be right back'

Where'd he go?

You'll see. He's hungry.

Is he hiding from Chuck Norris, like Waldo?

no..

Well, he should be. By the way Jasper, you'd better watch out. Chuck Norris eats emo children.

I'm not a child.

Well stop being such a cry-baby then, and maybe he won't eat you. But, maybe it's best if he does eat you, because his stomach is the only place you're safe from his fists.

An unable-to-cry cry-baby.

Hey, maybe he can roundhouse kick the depression out of Jasper.

Well, Chuck Norris CAN do everything...

Did I just hear a toilet flush?

Yep.

Um, why?

I wanted to announce my return.

Ugh, you're getting blood on the paper. I think I'm gonna faint.

I'll get the popsicle containers.

Yaaaaay. –is excited-

Why couldn't you suck that deer dry like a normal vegetarian vampire?

This is just so much more fun! I get to feel like a little kid!

Don't you ALWAYS feel like a little kid?

Are you saying I'm immature?

You are.

I'm a man now... –sobs-

So, now we wait for the blood to freeze.

Don't you have some sort of vampire power that makes it freeze faster?

No –sigh-

I bet Chuck Norris could freeze our bloodsicles if he were here.

He could also pop my bubble.

He could inspect my weapon.

He could pick my apple.

Okay, we get it. You guys wanna fuck Chuck Norris, and he can do anything.

Not just anything. Everything. All at once.

And he eats babies!

How totally epic of him!

I swear, they could make a movie out of him sleeping for 2 hours, and it would be one of the most interesting movies ever.

Apart from, of course, all the other movies he's been in.

Chuck Norris isn't in movies. The movies are in Chuck Norris.

Agreed.

/a few hours later/

There's a hair in my popsicle!

It'll be okay. Just pretend it's Chuck Norris' hair.

But I know it's not. Chuck Norris hair has the best taste ever. Experiencing it is better than sex.

Um, I think I'll stick with sex.

Hey Bella, you want one?

NOOOO! –faints-