HERMIONE
I'm stronger than this!
Bigger than this pain…
Better than my tears…
So, I lift my chin, leave the room behind and walk up, to the Gryffindor tower to get ready for the year ending celebrations.
It's like walking in haze…
The sounds are muted,
The colors are faded…
And my feet feel too heavy…
Like my heart…
How can it be, that just yesterday I felt so strong and able and knowing… when today it feels like I have to put up a fight to manage even a simple spell out of my wand?
It'll get better… I keep repeating in my head…
But it doesn't seem to make me any better now.
"What's the matter?" Ginny asks immediately when she sees me.
I just shake my head, "I need to get ready for the feast…"
I try to walk away, but she calls after me: "This was your deadline wasn't it."
I stop on my tracks and close my eyes.
My back is to her, so she won't see my face.
"Like it was supposed to be." I say trying to keep my voice from trembling.
"It doesn't mean you have to be ok with it." She says, and my tears nearly spill over.
"It was nothing serious… it was never supposed to be…"
"You sure?"
"I'm fine Ginny, don't worry about me." I say and manage to sound pretty convincing, I think.
But there's only so much I can take… because soon I find myself crying in the bathroom.
Don't worry about me…
I'm fine…
.
.
.
I try not to look at you over the great hall….
I keep my eyes on my friends… or somewhere else… but not in Slytherin table.
Once I can't resist the urge and glance though…
A Mistake!
Astoria sits next to you… very close… and it seems like you're laughing at something she'd said…
I-Do -Not-Like-Her…. you said once… not so long ago…
That's how fast it changes…
It doesn't matter if you like her or not… anymore…
you made your choice…
The mask I hold on the whole celebration, is quite impressive…
But it feels like I'm not really here…
Like I'm watching a time lapse roll through…
Like I was sitting still and the whole world around me moved in triple speed…
The cheering and laughing…
The speeches and applause…
The excitement of a year ending… or the whole school ending…
the future ahead of them…us…
Think about the future! I order myself! All the possibilities it holds for me!
All the possibilities for me….
But not for you…
.
.
.
Who was the idiot who thought trying combined magic was a good idea?
Who was it who thought if we tried it once… it wouldn't be so bad?
Who didn't believe the warnings about feeling weak afterwards?
Who stretched the boundaries much further than they were supposed to be stretched?
Oh… it was me…
The more days go by… the more foolish I feel…
Because after two weeks… I still feel so weak.
So hollow…
So empty…
I'm not one of those pathetic girls who cry weeks after a man!
I'm not the girl who needs someone!
I'm not going to fall into crying after you for days and days!
NO!
I'm not going to be that girl!
So, I occupy my time with everything I can think of… like friends… and reading…
And sitting at home watching Netflix…
Fine! I'll admit, I'm not fine!
But that's just because the results and the invitations to schools haven't arrived yet…
When I know what I'll do in the future, I'll be fine again.
.
.
.
A straight line of O:s….
I stare at them…
I couldn't have done better… That's the highest I can get…
We taught each other, so we can compete… but I'm sure you got O:s, too…
So, no one won…
We didn't study to beat each other… not really…
We studied because it was beneficial for both of us… and because it felt good to have someone who understood...
The invitations come too.
To every school I applied to…
My future is wide open…
whatever I want to study, I can…
Healing, charms, the law, business, even potions…
I sit on the sofa and stare at the pile of letters… And feel exhausted…
how can I decide?
I got these invitations based on the abilities I had with you…
what if I can't do good enough on my own?
Somewhere deep inside I know it's a stupid thing to think…
It was just a few months… everything I learned and did before, was completely my own…
And the tests too… I didn't have your magic then…
It all feels a bit blurry… how did it feel before?
How was it like, when my magic was enough?
That is what they say about drugs too: One time won't hurt… and then you get a trip of a lifetime… and you become addicted to it… and you're a junkie…
just like that…
God, I'm glad I don't have the opportunity get another dose of this drug of my own...
No… I'm not…
I sit with my head on my knees, trying to think what is it that I want to do…
What is it, I want to become?
What is it, I want to study alone?
.
.
.
You haunt my dreams almost every night…
I dream of our room… the nights in the firelight… with our noses in the books…
and the dreamy light from the only window… like it was morning, when it actually was a late night…
In my dreams I suddenly remember it all… things that I never paid attention to, before.
The goodhearted bickering… the glances exchanged even when we both had a book of our own to read…
The words of encouragement when we tried something new…
The smiles we shared… and the soft kisses when we parted…
The way you whispered, "You're beautiful…" in the heat of the moment.
The way you caressed my hand, when you walked past me in the corridor and no one saw…
So many small things… that belonged to those moments…
but could have meant so much more…
But the good dreams are rare…
Usually they turn into nightmares:
we're found out… you are dragged away from me and I'm left to be tortured by either your parents or Bellatrix…
You, telling me this was just a game… That I'm just a stupid mudblood whore…that all I know is just stolen from you…
Our room burning with you still inside…and I can't get in, but stand to watch you scream in agony as you burn…
Then there is this one dream that especially haunts me over and over again:
It's a beautiful warm summer day… I can feel the sun on my skin and the grass under my feet…
We are in the meadows somewhere…
I stand at the end of an aisle… I think it's a wedding…
There are guests, but they are not looking at me…I can't see their faces…
But I see you. ..
You're there… in a black suit, standing beside the altar looking at me.
You have a slightly crooked playful smile on your face… and your eyes look like that faithful New Years eve in the flashing of the fireworks: Like I was the only thing in the world you saw…
Then the music starts to play…
and it starts to snow…
not some fluffy slow snowfall, but a storm…
The wind blows my hair to my face and the coldness bites my skin…
Even my view gets hazy because of all the snow…
I can't see you clearly anymore…
And then she is there… Ahead of me… walking down the aisle in a white wedding dress…
And I realize it's her, that you see…
That you're not looking at me like I was the only woman in the world… but her…
That look of love… it's not for me… but for her…
And I start to scream! Yell at you through the howling wind and the heavy snow.
Trying to fight my way forward… but don't seem to get anywhere…
I scream your name over and over again…
tears start to fall, and my voice goes harsh…
PLEASE DRACO!
PLEASE DON'T MARRY HER!
PLEASE DON'T GO THROUGH WITH IT!
PLEASE, I LOVE YOU!
PLEASE, COME BACK TO ME!
Every time, I wake up screaming and with real tears in my eyes.
I hate that dream…
But I don't seem to get rid of it… no matter what I try.
The dream always returns…
I'm forced to watch it… Like someone wanted to punish me...
Here's what you chose…
now watch it play through…
You chose this…
now stand it!
.
.
.
Together with their families Astoria Greengrass and Draco Malfoy…
I stare at the invitation in my hand…
It's an elegant piece of paper… the silver text is sophisticated and at the bottom there are your initials… linked together… like a logo…
AG&DM
I put my thumb over her letters…
Why am I invited?
To rub it in my face?
Suddenly I'm startled by a knock on the door.
It's Harry…
He has the invitation in his hand too.
I let him in…
"You got it too?"
I just nod.
"I had to come and ask… I was wondering… "
"…Why they invited us?"
"Ron didn't get an invitation…"
"He never liked Ron…" I mutter…
"He never liked me either…" Harry reminds me with a huff…
I shrug… Because I know it's not true…
You were jealous of Harry, yes… and bitter for him to deny your handshake first year…
But you never really hated Harry… Like you hated Ron…
I think… in different circumstances… you and Harry would have been friends…
"I think it has something to do with trying to clear the family name…" I say thoughtful.
"Wanting the world to know… they're on your side now."
"A bit late for that…"
"I doubt this was his idea…"
I know it isn't…
"How come?"
I shrug again…
At least I hope it isn't…
"You ended things with him?" Harry looks at me seriously.
"Yes… when the school ended. That was what we agreed on… I told Ginny!"
"And she told me… I just wanted to make sure you're ok with it."
"Yes, Harry!" I snap… a little too fast…
His eyes are serious…
"Hermione, I know you…"
"Stop it Harry! It's fine, okey? That was how it was supposed to go! it doesn't matter what I..."
I pause… should I just tell him? Maybe it would feel better… to have someone to comfort…
But no!
I haven't told anyone... not about what we really did in our nights... not about our experiments... nothing...
I made this bed! now I have to lie in it!
Alone!
"Anyway, it was just a bit of fun… it wouldn't have worked longer anyway… we're too different…"
No, we're not…
"That's what I thought." Harry smiles.
Oh, how easy it is to fool him…
"So, you're going? Me and Ginny thought it would be fun to see the faces of other guests if we went…"
He points at the invitation again.
I look at it… and shake my head, "No… You go… I'm not coming…"
After, when Harry has left, I sit on the sofa, still staring at the paper in my hand.
If I speak in the languages of men or of angels,
but do not have love,
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy
and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have a faith that can move mountains,
but do not have love,
I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor
and give over my body to hardship
that I may boast,
but do not have love,
I gain nothing. (*)
In my fingers the paper starts to smoke and then lights to fire…
And I hold it as it burns…
Stare at the flame that doesn't burn my fingers… because I created it…
first time since the end of school I'm not using my wand…
I don't need to… All the power is in my hands already…
And it's almost like you're here with me…
I watch as the letters of your name turn to ashes…
hoping it would make me feel better…
hoping it would make me whole again…
*The verse: 1 Corinthians 13.