Monday, April 11
Dear Journal,
I don't even know what to do anymore. I was hanging out with Stan after school today; we were alone and I knew this was my chance to talk to him, so I casually asked him about the girl Kenny told me about, and he totally blew up in my face! He said it was none of my goddamn business and I should just stay out of his fucking life. I don't know what the hell is wrong with him. Why does everything have to a big secret with him, and what does he not want me to know?
After that, he just continued to explode at me. He said…he said that sometimes he just couldn't stand to be around me. God, when he said that, it hurt. I felt like my best friend had just taken my insides and thrown them across the room. It hurt so much I could barely breathe. Then he just stopped talking—I think he didn't even know what else to say, and either way, I didn't want to hear it.
I can tell by the way he acted today that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Well, he can be that way if he wants; I don't give a fuck. I told him if that's the way he feels, then he could consider our friendship over. He just left without saying another word. His face was pale, and he was shaking. He looked terrible. Good. I hope he's regretting every last fucking word he said to me. I hope he feels like shit, because I know I do.
I guess if he wants to act so fucking distant all the time, then we don't have to be friends anymore. I can find new friends! I don't need him! Just because he's been the closest person in my life ever since preschool and we've been through everything together...shit. Ah, fuck him! Why does this have to hurt so badly? Why did Stan have to change so much? I hate it when people change like that; now I'll look back on old times and...it'll just...suck. Everything sucks! God, listen to me. I sound like one of those stupid, angsty Goths. Well, I'm not gonna stoop down to that shit. That's something Stan would do. I'll be just fine. I'll find a new best friend or whatever, and everything will be great. I'll show Stan that I don't need him and his lousy friendship...or at least make him think that.