Chapter 10

The drugs, hugs and decisions Pt 1

Light, there was this light in my eyes.

It was like a spec in the darkness, progressing to a glowing orb of painfully bright fluorescence.

Was I dead?

Was this it?

Please, not this, it's such a cliché. Light at the end of the tunnel eh?

-…Can you…hear me?-

Who? I can hear?

-…Gotta check…won't take long.-

I'm…alive?

-Open…eyes for me?-

Then some kind person opened them for me when I did not, or more precisely could not comply. The light bypassed my eyelids and attacked my pupils full on making me desperately try to blink. It was as if the light was stabbing right into my brain, a dagger that barely avoided causing the headache it really should have.

The voices continued to talk in the background, more to each other than to me. I almost wasn't so sure if I really was alive when I finally managed to open my blurry eyes of my own volition, the voices whispering to each other in concerned tones. It was all white before me, light emanating from some unknown source, people whispering, I felt like I must have been dead. Only the afterlife could have followed such a formula. Yet, as my eyes began to clear, the filmy veil lifting from my vision, I managed to make out some more recognisable shapes; namely the Balamb Garden symbol blazoned on the wall directly right above my head.

Somehow I just knew that I was alive after that. I really doubted that there was a whole section of the afterlife owned by Balamb Garden. No matter how much funding they received, that was just ridiculous.

"…Uhh," I managed to croak out after realising that I could now manage to talk and look at the same time without my head splitting in two with pain.

"Oh, hey you're awake at last," the voice said in a relieved tone, my head too jumbled to even think about looking to the left to identify the speaker, "sorry bud, but I was just checking you pupil dilation response. You feelin' okay?"

"I'm…alive," I croaked out in a breathy voice.

"Well, uhh, I noticed that one," the same voice said again, my eyes still refusing to risk looking left, "but how do you feel? Anything serious? Anything you might need seen to that we haven't noticed?"

"…No," I replied unceremoniously.

"Hmm," a second voice said sceptically from the background, "I highly doubt that, but if you say so Squall. Yet I have to say, after that, I'm just relieved to see you conscious."

"Yeah man! When that spell began to go," as I became more and more aware I didn't even have to look to know that it was Zell talking animatedly to my left, "I thought that we were all goners! It's good to have you back, I'm glad you're okay."

"…Where am I?" I asked more confidently, finding my voice.

"Still on board the transport," said the second voice which, when I looked up, I noted belonged to Instructor Trepe, "we're almost back at Balamb, E.T.A. about another ten, fifteen minutes. There will be a medical transport waiting for you there to take you back to Garden."

I just nodded shallowly once. I could feel my vision finally clearing of all fogginess, feeling the strength returning to my inert limbs. I could feel the blood flowing through my veins, down my legs, the lack of wounds on my arm, the closed hole in my chest…I ignored these facts for now, just glad that they were facts and nothing more for the moment.

I decided, as I lay there on what must have been the bed in the med-bay, that I housed sufficient strength to at least sit up. The odd angle at which I was talking to the other occupants of the room was disconcerting and threatening to upset the fragile balance my mind was holding over a severe headache and throwing up. So I decided to sit up, show my instructor that there was no need to be glad that I was only awake, because I was fine. I could sit up, I could deal with this, I could deal with anything on my own. I didn't need anyone's help. I needed her to know that, to know that I didn't need her help.

I just needed myself.

My defiance of my pain and circumstance and my need to prove my individual strength overrode my logic in that split second. I heard Zell's urgent command as he told me not to move, that I was in no condition to be going anywhere, but it was all too late by then. As I managed to get up onto my elbows and lift my head I suddenly felt the bile shooting up my throat as my head sang from the unwanted and far too vigorous movement. My eyes blurred once more, throwing the fuzzy picture of Zell onto a slant as I felt my arms weaken. My insides decided at that moment to turn in on themselves and make a neat little knot while pushing their contents further into my throat. Zell moved to help me back onto the bed, but the movement of his hands in front of my face was just too much. I tried to hold it in but it was too late; I lurched forwards and threw up into his lap.

"Aw shit!" I heard him curse as he jumped up from his crouch beside my bed, "I told ya not to move."

"Zell," I heard Quistis say as I stared blearily at the floor wavering before my face, "you go and get cleaned up. I'll finish things here."

"Right, okay Instructor," Zell sighed, and I could feel his eyes come to rest on me as I kept my eyes on the floor, resting on my elbows, "glad you're okay Squall, really."

With that he left. Even though I had just spewed my guts all over the man he was still concerned about me. For gods sakes…what did it take? Would he ever just…get angry at me, hit me, ignore me even? Sometimes I just couldn't figure him out and it really played on my nerves that he was such an enigma. Yet, I had no time to worry about these trivial matters as Instructor Trepe spoke up, interrupting my thoughts.

"You know you're really very lucky," she said, her black boots filling my vision, then her pink clad knees as she crouched down beside me to clean up the sick, "you should be thanking Zell not throwing up on him."

Her tone was laced with humour, yet there was a hint of seriousness accompanying it. I swallowed, grimacing at the taste of sick in my mouth.

"Some water?" I asked cautiously.

Quistis just stood, not even a sigh from her at my bluntness as she usually did, and fetched me a glass. I took it from her carefully, cautious so as not to upset my touchy stomach again. The cool liquid danced and rippled in front of my eyes, condensation puffing out from my warm hand against the cold glass. I just sipped it slowly, glad to have the taste banished from my mouth. I felt something drop into my hand, looking down to see two red pills resting there. Painkillers, just like the ones Dr. Kadowaki had tried to make me take that very morning, yet a little different, a little bit darker. I tried to protest, yet in my weakened state there wasn't much I could do when I felt Quistis grab my hand and push the pills into my mouth, then taking the water and pushing that into my mouth as well. I could have very well just spat the little pills right back into her ever so kind hand, yet I really didn't have the strength of will to do so. I just swallowed them instead, ignoring them as they tried to stick in my throat.

I hadn't looked up at her as I had taken the water, yet I could picture that almost motherly disapproving look on Quistis' face. I blinked against the thought, focusing on the situation at hand. What had happened?

"I was hit," I said flatly, more to myself than my Instructor.

"Yes you were," Quistis' voice sounded more relaxed, yet I could still sense the tension in her tone, that slight tightness that indicated there was something she needed to talk about, "and badly. For a moment I honestly didn't think you were walking away from this one Leonhart."

I definitely didn't have to look now to know that her face was moulded into that critical look. Her use of my second name said it all; but what was she so disapproving of? What had I done?

-Was it because I agreed to go with Seifer? – I thought absently as I continued to just stay stable on the edge of the bed, -Seifer…where was he? No, cancel that thought and focus.-

"What do you remember?" she asked in a kind voice.

"I remember…Zell," I said slowly, focusing on the hem of her skirt to keep my mind and my balance steady, "and then everyone above me, moving…then it's rather distorted after that."

"You almost blacked out," Quistis explained, "your right lung had been punctured from what I could tell of your breathing and you had broken ribs, sever blood loss, a deep laceration in you chest and left arm plus a sprained wrist on top of that. Your body went into shock just so you could deal with the pain, but still you fought through that."

"I feel fine," I said flatly and rather out of place, slightly annoyed that she felt it necessary to point out my weakness once more.

"I'm proud of you," Quistis replied just as cryptically.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked as I slowly took the necessary movements to sit back against the wall and take the weight off of my arms.

"Not many people would have coped so well with such a severe injury," Quistis said as she took hold of my shoulders, helping me to relax back as she continued, "you kept your logic about you and used your training to cope with your situation, and as your instructor I'm proud of you."

"…Thank you," I said after a little hesitation, closing my eyes as I said it; I didn't like being praised, it made me decidedly uncomfortable.

"…But," she continued, her voice holding an odd note; I opened my eyes back up to survey her face, taking in her calm expression and the shine in her eyes, "I'm also proud of you as a friend. Xu told me that she saw you push Zell to safety during your retreat from the Galbadian threat. That was how you injured your arm."

I closed my eyes again but made no further movement, no further sound. I tried very hard not to think about Quistis's praise, I didn't deserve it but then…I didn't deserve much. So I had pushed Zell out of the way of the blade tipped arm of the Galbadian droid, it had been an instinctual impulse. I hadn't really even had time to think about why I was doing it let alone moralize over it. Didn't you have to have reason for doing something before you could accept praise for the consequence? I can't even really explain why I had done it now.

-That's why I don't want to think about it, - I reminded myself sternly, quickly locking the strange feelings and dangerous thoughts away in a dark corner of my mind. My arm was tingling at the memory of the searing blade cutting through flesh, tendon, bone…I shuddered despite my safety.

-I wonder how all this will affect the exam results? – I thought absently, shaking my head once more as I realised I was getting off track, -focus.-

"So how was I cured?" I asked, shifting to make myself more comfortable, vague memories plaguing me, shadows, whispers, but nothing solid.

-…trust…you…-

I frowned at the rouge memory, my hoarse voice choking on blood as I tried to confess that single most dangerous of confessions. Who had I said it to? Why had I said it? I…didn't trust anyone with, well, anything. I blinked to clear the thoughts and memories from my mind, noticing only then that Quistis was speaking.

"Squall?" she asked, concern evident in her tone as well as her expression, "Are you alright?"

"Continue," I said flatly as if nothing had happened, blinking again as I ignored her sigh at my blunt evasiveness.

"It was Seifer that discovered your chest wound," I shivered just at the mention of his name, but I did not want to interrupt again and so trained my thoughts solely to her explanation, "and it was also Seifer who attempted to cure you, after some persuasion from Zell."

-He needed persuasion?- I was hurt a taken aback, yet I couldn't quite explain why. Seifer and I had fought that very morning, viscously scarring each other for life and now I was hurt when he didn't leap to my aid?

"Yes he did," Quistis said in answer to what I had thought had been a silent thought but, from the Instructors response, I had clearly spoken out loud by accident. I sighed again at my lack of control, "but it was only because the spell he was going to use to cure you with was rouge, unchecked and potentially life threatening, that he hesitated," Quistis fidgeted as she explained, but I merely filed this little detail away with all my other thoughts and continued to exert my energy on the facts and not my own speculation, "he was scared that he might kill you."

"Scared," I couldn't help but snort unbelievingly.

"Yes," Quistis replied seriously, her eyes glazed a little as she adopted a far-off look, remembering what she had seen, "I must admit that if I hadn't been so preoccupied with your injury I would have shown more shock at Seifer's behaviour. Scared is all I can describe it as, and helplessness…but he did try."

"You keep saying "try" and "attempt"," I frowned lightly, not wishing to aggravate my still churning head, "yet I am cured so he must have been successful."

"Yes well that's where you have to thank Zell as I'm sure Seifer's too proud to do it," Quistis said as she stood, placing one arm round her waist and resting the other on top of it, her eyes never loosing that look of remembrance, "Seifer, even though he's more experienced in the field, is no master of magic. He seems to have been, according to his "confession", acquiring high level spells from an unknown source for an unknown reason."

"Some confession," I said dryly, linking this information in with my own memories of the day I was given my scar; it explained a lot of things.

"Well, I'm just afraid it's the most we can expect out of him," Quistis said as she shook her head in disapproval, "Zell convinced him to use one of the rouge Cura spells he had acquired, but due to a lack of skill and bad situation he lost control and it deteriorated at an astonishing rate."

"Drain…" I winced at the memory, sudden flashes of noxious red clouding my vision accompanied by a sickening sucking feeling, wounds splitting open, blood flowing…

"Yes and it was powerful," Quistis' calm voice pulled me back to reality, "but thankfully Zell seems to have a more extensive knowledge of the workings of magic than Seifer. He used a rare technique that momentarily bonded Seifer's magic ability to his own and also combined the power of their junctioned GF's. It seems that it was enough too turn the spell completely back to Cura and cure all three of you simultaneously. It really was quite…astounding."

I stayed quiet as I assimilated the information my instructor had given me. I tried, albeit slowly, to slot the facts together, sort of like a large, jumbled jigsaw puzzle. Yet, as I fumbled due to my fatigue and nausea, I couldn't make the pieces fit…I quickly gave up as I felt the edge of a migraine nip at my skull. I could figure this all out later, right now I needed rest. Zell, Quistis, Selphie, Xu…they could all wait until my head stopped spinning. I almost cringed at the thought of the amount of emotional baggage that was going to come with this mission that I just really didn't need, didn't want to deal with, didn't…Seifer…

"Where's Seifer?" I asked impulsively, as soon as the thought entered itself into my jumbled mind.

Quistis stopped at the sound of my voice, having taken my silence as a cue to leave. She eyed me curiously for a moment before answering.

"He's in the cargo bay," the instructor's voice spoke the volumes that her words did not, "Xu's turned it into a temporary brig until we get back to shore."

"What are the charges?" I asked, trying my best to sound disinterested.

"He's being charged with black market dealing, disobeying orders and putting his team in danger with severe consequences. He'll face his charges when he gets back to Garden."

I felt a pang in my chest at the mention of punishment but…well, Hyne knows why! I mean, I should have been charging Seifer with malcontent for hacking at my face, yet I never did. And now he had caused me more harm, almost fatal, and I was feeling guilty that he was finally going to be dealt some well deserved retribution?

"May I see him?" I asked softly, ignoring my mind as it raged at me for suggesting such a thing after what it had just been thinking.

"Why?" Quistis cocked her head to the side and looked at me quizzically, her eyes creasing with interest.

"I…want to thank him," I explained blandly, "for saving my life."

"Oh," Quistis' head drooped a little at my statement and I knew what I had to say to stop her worrying.

"I'll talk to Zell later," I told her, noticing the brightening of her eyes as I spoke before she expertly hid her feelings and simply nodded to me.

"Only for a little while," she said, "we'll be home soon anyway, and Xu doesn't exactly have Seifer on her list of people to give favours at the moment; but I'll see what I can do."

I nodded slightly, careful not to jar myself out of the relative calm I had found after talking with Quistis. Once again I closed my eyes as Quistis exited the med bay, with a slight but not unnoticeable smile on her face, and waited for Seifer.

I was…going to thank him.

Thank him.

Why? Why was I doing this to myself?

-...trust…you…-

Again the cryptic memory assailed me and sent shivers down my spine.

"I don't trust anybody," I murmured instinctively at the thought of the memory.

-Yet I'm going to thank him…thank him for saving me…thank him for letting me rely on him…rely on his strength…-

"Ah!" I exclaimed as I pounded the bed with my hand, sighing as the tension that had been building up ever since Seifer's name had come up was relieved, "What's happening to me?"