"So I'll file away all my dreams though I still believe in everything,
I wished your love away, I wished your love away.
Honestly over you, I'm honestly over you.
One last shot at the truth; I'm honestly over you.
So I'll drive away with all my things though I have a faint belief in everything.
I wished your love away and I tell the world,
I'm honestly over you.
I wished your love away."
'Honestly', The Cary Brothers
oo00oo
Sitting on the couch in her office, Temperance Brennan felt her stomach churning as she relived the image of her partner wrapped up in the arms of Cam, her boss and the woman she had only just discovered he'd been sleeping with essentially behind her back.
I don't understand… This morning, everything was so clear and I knew exactly what I had to do. I was going to tell him how I feel, damn the consequences. How did it get to this?
The door to her office opened and she immediately knew it was Booth. She didn't need to look, she never did. She felt him when he was around.
Is that one of Angela's signs too?
She screwed her eyes shut for a moment to drive those sort of thoughts from her head, before she returned to staring at the wall in front of her and purposefully ignoring her partner. He crossed the room towards her, and it took a while to realise he was talking over the thundering of her heart in her chest.
"Bones, I was just saying goodbye to Cam. It was just a hug. There's nothing going on there."
For the first time in months, that familiar nickname grated on her and she let out a snort of derisive laughter, trying to tame the sneer on her lips.
How can I even look at him now? He's not the man I thought he was. He's not the man I fell in love with.
She caught herself.
So I do love him then.
She blinked rapidly, pushing her internal monologue to the back of her mind as she stared at nothing, only vaguely aware of Booth's presence in front of her.
I did love him. Did is past tense, as are my feelings. If I let him in again, he'll just hurt me. He's leaving soon anyway, why should I put myself through all that again for just a couple of days? It's totally irrational.
Booth crouched in front of her and reached for her hands. Still smarting from the image of him and her boss together, she jerked her hands away. Seeing the hurt on his face out of the corner of her eye, she felt her resolve weaken a little.
It might be irrational, but it's Booth…
She folded her arms across her chest, purposefully putting a barrier up between them as he sighed heavily.
"I swear, me and Cam was just a one-night thing. It didn't even mean anything! What was it you said to me once? That you look for a release with the people you've previously had a sexual rapport with? That's all it was, Bones, that's it."
She glanced at him and just prayed that he couldn't see the hope surging within her.
You're the one that told him he needed to find a release, Temperance. It's not all his fault. And if it was just a one time thing, if it was just recreational…
Cursing herself for her weakness, she blinked rapidly to try and clear the emotion from her eyes as she jumped to her feet.
"I don't care, Booth. It's nothing to do with me."
But I do care. I do want it to be my business and my concern. I just can't take that step, not now, not after today…
He jumped up in front of her and grabbed the tops of her arms, his fingers slightly digging in to her biceps as he turned her to face him.
"Temperance…"
That one word, just that one word… All he needs to do is say my name and I'd go running, wherever he is, I'd go to him.
She half-heartedly tried to shake him off.
Not this time. He's the one who's leaving, going to the other side of the world where I could lose him forever. He's the one who turned away from me and slept with my boss.
He pulled her closer and she felt the breath catch in her throat.
"Temperance, look at me."
No! No, I can't. I won't. If I look at you, you'll give me that charm smile and make my knees buckle and…
Slowly, she raised her eyes to his, his name escaping from her lips before she could stop it.
"Seeley…"
He seemed to shudder slightly in front of her and Brennan felt her heart skip a beat.
Does he… Does he really feel the same way about me as I do about him?
Suddenly, he pulled her towards him, their chests slamming together as his arm snaked around her waist, holding her tightly against him. Her every thought seemed to drift away on the heat of his ragged breath, the scent of his aftershave, the warmth of his touch.
He was leaning in towards her, his eyes lost in hers, and she was frozen there in his gaze, totally unable to move either towards him or away. Her lips parted slightly as her eyes began to close, welcoming the sensation that she had longed for.
"When do you leave?"
Her voice surprised even her.
Temperance Brennan, you are a Grade A idiot… Idiot, idiot, idiot!
He had frozen in front of her, his lips barely an inch from hers as a look of confusion clouded his dark eyes.
"What?"
She blinked.
That's it, you ruined it. You missed your chance.
Her nerve gone, Brennan leaned away from him slightly, as far as his tight hold around her waist would allow.
"To Iraq. When do you go?"
There was a look in his eye that she couldn't quite place, something mixed in with his obvious frustration. He swallowed hard and shook his head slightly.
"Er, Wednesday. I leave on Wednesday."
She just stared at him. Finally finding her voice, she was surprised by how high pitched it had suddenly become.
"But today's Monday… You're leaving the day after tomorrow?"
He just nodded, a slight frown knitting his brow as he stared at her. Longing flared in his eyes and she couldn't bear to see it, couldn't bear to get so close when he was about to desert her.
Reaching round behind herself, she peeled away his firm grasp and took a step back, hands on hips.
"And how long have you known?"
He stood there in front of her, confused and frustrated, looking like a lost little boy. Blinking slowly, he seemed to drag himself back to the present and shrugged.
"About a couple of weeks, I guess."
Her eyebrows practically shot through the roof.
"So what, you thought you'd wait till the last possible moment before you told me?"
He shook his head and let out a strangled sigh. Eventually, he took a step closer to her, his face darker than before. That look concerned her but she stood her ground as he threw his hands up in exasperation.
"What the hell is going on here, Bones?"
She raised an eyebrow, her jaw jutting forward as she held her head high, ignoring the implication towards their almost kiss.
"I could ask you the same question, Booth, leaving all this to the last minute, not telling me about Cam, all of it! You're obviously not the man I thought you were."
She regretted it the second she said it, the second she saw the hurt flash in his eyes. But he blinked and it was gone, and it was too late for her to take it back. He just shook his head and turned away, mumbling to himself.
"I don't know why I bother with you sometimes."
She couldn't stop herself. Even as her voice got loud and angry, she knew it had just been a throw-away comment, that it didn't mean anything, but she poured all her frustration and anger and confusion and love in to her response. She couldn't stop it.
"Don't know why you bother with me? Well, I can tell you the feeling's mutual. If you want to go to Iraq and play the hero, fine by me. At least then I don't have to worry about you contaminating my crime scenes or sleeping with any other of my colleagues."
He spun round to face her, shocked by her sudden outburst and not sure how to reply. Not that it mattered, Brennan hadn't finished with him yet.
"And to think that I was going to listen to Angela! She told me… I was going to beg you to stay, I was going to tell you that there was a possibility I felt something for you beyond the professional, but at least now I know how wrong I was. You don't know why you bother with me? Well, here's the thing Agent Booth. You don't need to anymore. You go off and do whatever the hell you like in Iraq but when you get back, you can be damned sure that I won't be waiting and nor will this partnership, professional or otherwise."
He took a step toward her, his mouth open to say something, but at the fire raging in her eyes he quickly snapped his jaw shut. They just stood there for a brief moment, staring and wondering what the other would do next.
Booth was the one who flinched. He was the one who walked away.
Brennan just watched him go, tears prickling at her eyes.
Temperance, what have you done?
Angela appeared in the open doorway, her face a picture of concern.
"Sweetie, what the hell just happened? Booth's got a face like thunder and I could hear you yelling from the other side of the lab."
Without even being particularly conscious she was doing it, Brennan shut down, her heart now sealed once again in its air-tight box. She marched over to her desk and settled herself in the chair, switching on the computer as if nothing had happened. When she finally responded to her friend, her voice was as distant as she had just become.
"Booth is leaving on Wednesday. That's all there is to it, Angela."
The artist frowned, her hands on her hips as she stared down at Brennan.
"Don't give me that no nonsense rubbish, Bren. I'm not buying it. That man wouldn't just give up on you without a fight and by the sounds of it, that's exactly what he got."
Brennan raised her eyes, locking her gaze with Angela's. Opening her mouth to speak, she suddenly found the words weren't there. She swallowed hard, taking a deep breath to steady herself, before she tried again.
"He's leaving in less than two days. And he's never coming back."
Angela shook her head fervently, immediately reaching for her best friend's hand.
"Don't say that, sweetie. He's going to be fine out there. It's Booth. That man's practically made of Teflon! I mean, how many times can one guy get shot, beaten and blown up before it just gets ridiculous? He's verging on becoming Wile E. Coyote…"
Ignoring the reference she didn't understand, Brennan shook her head slowly, a single tear slipping down her cheek.
It's too late, I can't protect myself anymore. He's got rid of my walls for good.
"No, Ange. He's never coming back to me. I made sure of that when I basically told him that I didn't want him. I panicked and I lost him, the one thing I was ever really scared of. And I was the one who made it happen."
Breaking down in her friend's arms for the second time in as many days, Brennan cursed herself for her weakness, for her fears, for her loneliness. But most of all, she cursed herself for ever thinking that Booth was the one who would hurt her.
She managed that all by herself.