Chapter 10: Perspective
Anne left Redmond for Avonlea four days after Convocation. She hardly managed to see Gilbert during that time, as each was busy wrapping up odds and ends, and packing their belongings for the trip home. The one visit he did pay came the afternoon before they were to depart. Anne had been sitting in her small bedroom at Patty's Place, amidst a pile of books that she was attempting to organize into boxes. She had accumulated quite the collection, and as she could not afford to take them all back to Avonlea, she was deciding which to keep and which to give away.
She was mulling over a particularly difficult book to place when she heard a soft knock on the door. It startled her, for she had thought no one else was home. Stepping gingerly over the haphazard pile before her, Anne pulled the door open to reveal Gilbert, leaning casually with one arm against the doorframe. The sight of him at her bedroom door gave her quite a fright, seeing as it was quite unexpected, and she shrieked as the book she was holding fell to the floor.
"Happy to see me, I see," Gilbert grinned, as he bent down to pick it up.
"Gilbert! Have you ever heard of knocking?" she said as he handed it back.
"I did knock, as you can see."
"On the front door?"
"I did. No one answered," Gilbert replied candidly as he leaned back against the door frame with his hands in his pockets.
"And so you decided you would just let yourself in?"
"It would appear so."
Anne never failed to be amazed at his audacity. "You know, breaking into people's houses is frowned upon in this country."
"I didn't break in, it was unlocked." Anne could not decide if she was more amused or annoyed at the way Gilbert so nonchalantly countered each of her statements. Or did she find it appealing?
"And so now you find yourself, in my bedroom." She emphasized the last word.
"Is this a bedroom? It looks more like a shipwreck," he said with a straight face. Anne scowled at him, although he was right—her room was a mess. Her bed was covered in piles of clothes, which she had stacked according to how she planned to pack them. Her desk was littered with toiletries and knick knacks. The walls were bare, but the hangings she had pulled from them earlier that day were rolled up against the window. Anne knew as well as anyone that when cleaning any room, things must get worse before they get better, but still it was hard to believe she had been working at it all morning.
Gilbert gave one of Anne's long braids a tug as he entered the room. She didn't usually wear her hair in such a fashion anymore, but had done so today in order to keep it out of her face as she packed. She found herself rather embarrassed of her appearance, assuming it made her look rather young and immature, but Gilbert was actually quite taken by it. Something stirred within him upon seeing those two golden red braids; she reminded him of the old Anne from their schooldays in Avonlea. Perhaps that was why he was teasing her now.
"You look like you could use a little help," he said to her, gesturing to the mess on the floor. Anne threw up her hands as she sighed in defeat.
"Yes," she admitted. "These books are putting up a real fight. I can't bring them all home, but I just can't bear to part with any of them either. It would feel as if I am hurting their feelings!"
Gilbert smiled. Here was the same Anne he had always known and loved. "I think the only one who is hesitant to say their goodbyes is you, Anne. Here, I'll help you go through them. I'll hold up a book, and you'll tell me when you last read it, and when and why you might read it again. And I will be the judge."
Anne looked at Gilbert skeptically. She wasn't sure this sounded like a fair deal. But, seeing as she was making little progress on her own, she consented. They spent the next half hour going through the list of titles and sorting them into one pile or the other. Gilbert couldn't resist the urge to tease Anne about a few of the books he found. On several of these occasions, said book came "thwack!" down on his head. When they had finally gone through the last of the pile, Gilbert helped Anne place the books in boxes and insisted on carrying them downstairs for her.
"Well, that's done then!" Anne exclaimed as she slumped down onto the living room sofa. Gilbert brushed his hands together, giving an air of finality to the job, and sat down next to her.
"It's been some time since I've sat in this living room," he remarked, as he turned his head to scan the room. "Ah yes, the ever-watchful Gog and Magog. I wonder how many secrets they know, yet never tell."
"Oh Gil, as if I haven't sat up late at night, staring at their colorful porcelain coats, and thinking of that very question!" Anne exclaimed. "I used to pretend that a fairy would come out of the hearth and magick them to life, and I would lean my head on the mantle, and we would have the loveliest conversations," Anne said with dazed eyes. Gilbert could not help but tousle her hair as she said this. Anne was never too old for that imagination of hers. Suddenly seized by an idea, he jumped up from the sofa and swiftly took the two china dogs into his hands. He moved them in turn, pretending to stage a conversation.
"Eh, Gog, did you see that strong, handsome man that carried those boxes down the stairs just now?"
"Why yes Magog, I've never seen anyone quite so dashing in this house before."
"That Anne girl is very lucky to have him around."
"We'd be lucky to have him around too. Perhaps he'll give us a good dusting, it's apparent that we need one."
"They never notice such things, Gog," Gilbert shook his head as he wiped his finger on the back of Magog's coat, holding his finger out to Anne, as if to show her the dust that had accumulated there.
"Put them down, Gil!" Anne cried through a spurt of laughter, as she leapt from her seat.
"Goodness, that Anne sure is uptight, don't you think, Magog?" Gilbert taunted as he waved Gog through the air.
"Gilbert Blythe! Those are fragile!" Anne reached for the china dogs, attempting to wrestle them out of Gilbert's grasp.
"She'll break us if she keeps that up," Gilbert imitated, moving Magog this time.
"You put them back!" Anne said, and with that she made one last grab for Gog, who was in Gilbert's left hand. Miraculously, Gilbert loosened his fingertips and she found herself victorious. She was so surprised at her success that she lost her hold on the porcelain dog, and it slipped from her fingertips. She attempted to catch it as it bobbled in her grasp and then began to fall. She braced herself for the crash—for the sound of Gog's beautiful green and white coat smashing into a hundred pieces. Miss Patty would be so angry! Yet the crash never came, for Gilbert had stuck out his foot and cushioned the dog's fall. It balanced momentarily in the crook of his ankle before sliding off of his foot and coming to rest on the floor, unharmed.
Anne felt relief wash over her as she bent down to pick it up. Gilbert bent down too, and their fingers brushed together as they reached it at the same time. Startled, Anne looked up and found Gilbert's hazel eyes mere inches from her own. She could make out those same brown and green specks she had noticed before. She also noticed just how long his eyelashes were. She blushed as she tried to pull away, yet he had rendered her immobile, as usual.
Would it really be all that bad if she leaned in and brushed her lips against his? They seemed to beckon her, pale pink and parted ever so slightly. What was so improper about a kiss, when shared with the one you love? Anne noticed that Gilbert's eyes seemed to flicker to her lips as well. She wondered if he was thinking the same thing she was. He had kissed her before; would he do it again? Gilbert lifted his thumb and placed it under Anne's chin, stroking the side of her jaw with a fingertip. Her breaths became shorter and faster. She grew nervous as she saw his lips part wider.
"We should be careful," he breathed, his face still next to hers. Gilbert was right. A situation like this required the utmost caution.
"Yes, we should," she said, her voice as dazed as her mind. Gilbert continued to peer into her eyes, with a look he had only ever reserved for her.
"With the dogs, I mean," he said.
"Yes, the dogs…" she replied absently. She was sure he was not referring to the dogs, as Gog lay forgotten between them on the floor.
"It would be quite foolish of us," he continued.
"Miss Patty would be ever so angry."
"What?" Gilbert asked, forgetting what it was they were supposed to be talking about.
"About the dogs," Anne stated, amused at his momentary lapse of reserve.
"Oh, yes… the dogs."
Anne found herself unable to break Gilbert's gaze. For a short moment, she thought that maybe he really would lean in and kiss her. He seemed to be fighting a small inner battle. She waited to see which side would emerge victorious. Just then, a sharp knock sounded upon the door, and the trance was broken. Anne immediately pulled away, standing up and smoothing out her dress. She then stood up to open it, while Gilbert returned the china dog to its former resting place.
Anne took a deep breath as she reached the door, calming her nerves. Then she opened it. Standing in front of her; tall, lean, and melancholy as ever, was Roy Gardner. He was dressed rather nicely, in a blue jacket and gray tie, and was holding a small box. Of all the people Anne had expected to find on her doorstep, Roy was the last person she would have considered. She opened her mouth to greet him, but found herself to be mute with shock.
"Hello, Anne," Roy said in an abnormally calm voice.
"Er… hello, Roy," she managed to respond.
"Is this a good time? I just came by to give you some things of yours, before you left." Anne wasn't sure what to make of his coming here. He looked out of sorts, and as if he hadn't slept for days. She peered into his tired eyes, trying to see what emotion might be hidden there. The memory of the pain she had caused him returned to her, and she felt it just as acutely as she had three days before.
"Well, I'm not so sure," she stammered, knowing Gilbert was in the living room and trying to avoid an uncomfortable encounter.
"It will only take a moment," Roy said politely. Finding no further excuse against letting him in, Anne held the door open farther and he passed through it. As he stepped inside, his eyes immediately locked upon Gilbert, who stood next to the mantle.
Roy's face fell. "Oh, you."
Gilbert merely shrugged. He had no idea what to say to Roy, but he didn't want to leave the entirety of the ordeal to rest upon Anne's shoulders. "Hello, Gardner," he said.
"Blythe," Roy replied coldly, turning his back to him.
"I see you have… company… I didn't mean to interrupt." Roy looked extremely uncomfortable. Anne wondered why he had to choose this exact moment to call upon her—during the one hour that Gilbert was here as well.
"Anyway, Anne. I wanted to give your things back," Roy said, holding out the box.
"I can't recall anything I'd left in your possession," she replied, clueless as to what might be inside. Roy continued to hold it out, and so she finally she took it and lifted the lid. She placed her hand over her mouth as she saw the contents. Inside was every letter she had ever written him, as well as a few odds and ends they had accrued together over their relationship. Among them were several old dance cards—Roy and Anne had always exchanged theirs after each event, a few dried flowers which she recognized to be from corsages she had once worn, and every birthday and Christmas present she had ever given him. Her eyes grew hot at as the sight of all the memories. They reminded her of just how thoroughly she had deceived Roy, and herself for that matter, for the past two years. And the fact that he was giving these things back to her, as if he wanted to forget it all, was unbearable.
"Roy," she said, struggling to keep her voice calm. "Whyever would you give these things back? They aren't mine; they were all for you." Anne wanted to cry. She felt miserable for what she had done to Roy—more miserable than even before, and that made her angry. Whatever his reasons for returning these things to her, she found it rather cruel of him. She wondered if he was trying to make her feel even more guilty than she already did.
"Well, none of it actually meant anything, did it?" Roy said softly. "You never loved me; you've made that clear. So why would should I feel the right to keep your tokens?" She could not figure out if he really believed his own words, or if he was merely trying to get under her skin.
"It didn't mean nothing, Roy," Anne said quietly. "I still care for you... I always did." She looked into Roy's eyes as she said this, and then glanced over at Gilbert. The fact that Gilbert was here in the room made everything much worse. Roy seemed to feel Gilbert's presence still more strongly than even Anne did. She imagined the anger he must be feeling, seeing the man that Anne had chosen over him. She remembered the way she had always hated the mere sight of Christine. Surely Roy must look upon Gilbert in a similar manner. In fact, it was likely even worse than she imagined. Her suspicions were confirmed as Roy's words began to grow hostile.
"You know what, better yet, why don't you give the box to him? You were thinking of him the whole time anyway," said Roy, grabbing the box back out of Anne's grasp and stretching it out to Gilbert. Gilbert raised his hands in defense as Roy approached him. Anne buried her face in her fingers.
"Calm down, Gardner. You're upsetting her."
"She can handle herself. And anyway, I guess you could say we're square," Roy stated, taking a step towards Gilbert.
"You're square?" Gilbert questioned. "If all you care about is evening the score, then I guess you could say you don't really love her as much as you claim. Because if you did, you wouldn't want to cause her pain." Gilbert was getting angry. He couldn't stand by and let Roy say hurtful things about Anne—his sweet, caring, sensitive Anne.
Gilbert's remark angered Roy still more. "Then what do you think you were doing, chasing after her when you could see she was already happy with me? It seems like you were looking out for your own self, there," Roy fired, hoping to beat Gilbert at his own game. Gilbert took a moment to respond, thinking over Roy's question.
"The difference between you and I… is that when she rejected me, I walked away quietly. It felt like my life had ended, yet I did not let it show. I did that for her, to keep from hurting her. You, on the other hand, upon suffering the same rejection, packed up a box of the very things you knew it would rip her heart out most to see, and hand delivered it, so she could see you in your misery. And that, Gardner, is not love." Gilbert was fired up now. His hands had balled into tiny fists and he felt it difficult to stand in one place. Anne, on the other hand, stood frozen by the front door, watching the two men argue. Roy's face fell, as he seemed to realize the truth behind Gilbert's words. If he hadn't understood his own motives for returning the tokens before, there was no escaping it now. The fact that Gilbert had been the one to figure it out infuriated him. He lost all sense of propriety as he spoke next.
"Don't pretend to know my motives for giving Anne back her trinkets, which I no longer feel any right to ownership of. And furthermore, I don't think she has any room to blame me for my actions," Roy's face was growing scarlet.
"Don't insult her."
"I'm not insulting her. I'm making a point. And dont tell me what I can and cannot do." The two boys were in each other's faces now; Roy was pointing a finger into Gilbert's chest. Anne had never seen this side of either of them, and was not quite sure what to think of it. She was worried they would begin to fight.
"And what point are you trying to make, Gardner?" Gilbert said, shrugging Roy's finger away.
"What point… what point?" Roy asked, incredulous. "She crushed me! She encouraged me on for two years when all along, she was fawning over you! Oh, don't act so surprised, Blythe. I'm not blind. I've seen the way she looks at you."
Anne stood speechless against the wall, clueless as to what she should do. She also wondered if Roy's words were true. Could he really have perceived her affections for Gilbert, back when they were still courting? As if in response to her thoughts, Roy then turned to face her.
"I could have handled it if you ended it sooner, Anne. But to string me along, until my very proposal! At least the other times—" he stopped, realizing he had said too much.
"Other times!" Anne exclaimed, finding her voice. "What do you mean other times?" This piece of news had taken her completely by surprise. Roy had never mentioned courting any other girls.
Roy fell silent, caught in his own trap. Anne was at a loss for words. Gilbert, however, was not.
"You were saying? What are these other times you are referring to?" he asked, stepping sideways to face Roy yet again.
"It doesn't matter," Roy said, dropping his gaze to the floor.
"Yes, it does!" Anne exclaimed. "You always told me I was the only one you ever loved, and now I find that this has happened to you before? And multiple times!" She could not hide the resentment that she was feeling. Here she thought she had been the one deceiving him, and yet he hadn't even felt the need to expose his past courtships to her!
"They were nothing to you, Anne," Roy said, a little more calmly this time. "And I think I'd hardly discuss it here, in front of him." He glanced apprehensively at Gilbert. Anne could not handle the tension in the room. She felt the windows must surely shatter from it.
"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Roy. And I was sorry before, but now I am also hurt." She considered adding that she was also relieved. If Roy had survived heartbreak before, surely he could do it again. Also, she suddenly didn't feel quite so distraught over her behavior towards him. She wasn't blameless, but apparently, neither was he. A little perspective was just what Anne had needed to get a handle on her grief.
"I'm sorry, too," Roy said. He twiddled his thumbs uncomfortably. He hadn't expected his visit to take this unexpected turn.
"Well, it seems I have overstayed my welcome," he stated, as he began to make his way to the door. "Good luck with that one, Blythe. And if you want my advice—don't buy the engagement token until after she has accepted you."
"I assure you, I'd never be quite so sure of myself," Gilbert replied calmly, placing a hand on Anne's shoulder.
Roy's eyes traveled down to where Gilbert's hand touched Anne's sleeve. He opened his mouth to speak, but Gilbert interrupted him. "Goodbye, then. Until we meet again."
"I find that highly unlikely," came Roy's response. And with that he shut the door rather sharply and was gone.
Gilbert and Anne stood for several seconds, staring at the place where Roy had just stood. Then Anne leaned into Gilbert's chest and gave out a small whimper. He stroked her hair and whispered words of comfort as he rocked her calmly in his arms.
"I never would have believed it of him," Anne said, "to keep something like that from me. Although I suppose I don't know the whole story—"
"Don't defend him, Anne. He doesn't deserve it, not from you."
"He's not such a terrible person, Gilbert. He really is nice, and a good friend. I don't know what got into him today…"
"Well I do," said Gilbert. "You did; I did. We did, by being here together. I don't think he was expecting that."
Anne nodded in agreement. Gilbert couldn't help but feel extremely glad that he had been here with her, when Roy brought his parting gift. The thought of Anne, defenseless against Roy's cruel intentions—even if he hadn't realized them himself—caused a familiar feeling of anger to arise inside of him. He could see the scenario in his mind. Anne would have broken down and spouted out countless apologies, and Roy would have gotten exactly what he wished. Gilbert hoped he would always be there to protect her, whenever trouble came her way. Releasing Anne from his grasp yet keeping his hands on her shoulders, he looked into her face.
"And people will have to get used to it, you know," said Gilbert.
"Get used to what?"
"They'll have to get used to us… being together. Because I plan to bother you a lot from now on," he said, squeezing her shoulder. Anne immediately recalled their rainy meeting in the park. When he had offered never to bother her again, she had realized that all she wanted was for him to do exactly that. She had wanted him to bother her, every day. She smiled at the thought that she had gotten her wish.
"Well it would be a shame if you didn't bother me often; you're really quite good at it," Anne said. Gilbert shrugged, once again tugging on those neatly woven braids he simply could not resist.
After Gilbert had gone, Anne returned to her room, which now looked slightly tidier than it had before. She sat on her bed—on top of her neat stacks of clothes—while leaning against the wall and pondering something Gilbert had said to Roy that afternoon.
"I assure you, I'd never be quite so sure of myself."
This had been Gilbert's reply, when Roy had given him advice on his proposal. Was Gilbert really unsure of himself when it came to her? Could he honestly still doubt her love for him, after everything that had passed between them? She wondered if that was why he still hadn't asked the one question she so desperately wanted to hear. Yet she felt she had made her feelings very clear to him, and shown them as well. Perhaps he didn't doubt her affections, but merely wanted to wait a while, to make sure she wasn't going to change her mind again. Maybe he also thought her subject to caprice; after all, everyone else seemed to.
Whatever the reason for his hesitancy, she knew her love for Gilbert would not change, and whether it took him a day or a year to realize it, she would continue loving him, until the day she died. In the meantime, she decided she would be patient. If Gilbert had been patient for years, surely she could also be patient for a short while.
Anne sighed as she stood up and went to the window. Kneeling before it, she stared out at the tops of the trees and gave herself up to her imagination. There was only one thing she ever imagined these days; only one day stood out in her mind, above all others—the day that he would become her Gilbert. And she would imagine a thousand different ways for that to happen.
AN: Thanks as always for the lovely reviews. I enjoyed reading them, you are all too sweet! Next we will find ourselves back in our dear old Avonlea, for any who are longing to smell the air of PEI once more!