It was stubborn pride that had given you the final push through Simon's door and some days you wondered if you'd made the right decision. Even three months later you'd find yourself catching his eye and quietly wishing he'd pull you back into his arms like you hadn't walked away.
With a sigh you pushed the idea to the back of your mind, it was no good dwelling on past decisions and you didn't want to spoil today. You'd been looking forward to this day for weeks and you'd spent a great deal of time convincing Dr Carson to convince Simon that it would be an excellent idea.
You were running early. The excitement to finally get a chance to not only leave the Sanctuary but also see your baby had made you spring out of bed this morning. Well, maybe not spring. You didn't exactly spring anymore. At almost five months pregnant you rolled.
Your hand was rubbing absent minded circles on your rounded belly when you stepped into the mess hall, almost accidentally bouncing into Fat Joey as you spotted Simon already waiting for you.
He was sitting on the edge of a table, his laughter filling the room and making your heart leap at the sound of it. A girlish grin was right on the brink of filling you face when you spotted a waify redhead eating up his every word. She had her long hair curled around slender fingers, her jeans cut low enough to show more than an inch of washboard abs while you stood in the doorway feeling like a baby manatee and not in a cute way.
You might have thought that a man expecting a baby with another woman would have taken him off the market but it had only seemed to make him more desireable or maybe you were just noticing it more. This wasn't the first time you'd spotted the shy flirty smiles of a women looking to find her way into his trousers and you found yourself wondering if he'd accepted any of the offers that had surely come his way. That idea lead you to curl your fists into balls, your spine straight and your jaw clenched as you stormed across the room.
It was probably fortunate that the redhead slinked away before you had the chance to say anything and potentially embarrass yourself. But that didn't stop you from standing in front of Simon and demanding, "who was that?"
Simon slid off the table, towering over you, his smile unwavering. "That was Penny."
"Well I don't like her," you spat, your hand on your hip in a way that reminded you of your mother.
Simon snorted, "you didn't even know her name until ten seconds ago."
Maybe it was the hormones, sure, you could blame the hormones for what came out of your mouth next. "I don't need to know her name to know she's a whore."
He rested his hand on his belt, cocking one eyebrow as he carefully looked you up and down, "have you lost what was left of your damn mind?"
You glanced away, the sting of his words making you realise that this wasn't you. You didn't call women whores and you certainly didn't get possessive but you were in no mood to back down. "We're having a baby so that means you should be thinking about what kind of girls you're spending your time with."
"Last time I checked I was a free agent. You said yourself, there's nothing between us until the baby's here so that gives me four more months of doing whatever the hell I want."
"The baby is here," you snap pointing to your swollen belly, "it's here right now so you better think about that before you start fucking all these random women."
"Wait a minute," he says pointing his finger at you, his laugh rumbling slowly across his chest, "is it at all possible that you might be jealous?"
Your cheeks heat and he begins to laugh a little harder like you've proven his point.
"Maybe I am jealous! Jealous that you get to act like nothing's happened while I'm lumbered with this," you gestured to your belly once again and his laughter stops.
"Well I'm sorry to lumber you," he says, grabbing his jacket and walking away so you can only catch a glimpse of the way his face has fallen.
You clench your teeth together, frustration curling your fists into even tighter balls. You're overreacting and saying everything wrong and if you were completely honest you were also being a total bitch. You didn't feel lumbered, lumbered wasn't the right word at all. In fact, right now what you felt was… horny. Insatiable. The idea that Simon might fuck another woman annoys you in more ways than one.
Silently cursing your big mouth you follow him outside to where the Jeep is waiting and when you've both taken your seats you can see the way his eyes keep flicking to your belly, his hesitation to take you to Hilltop is palpable before he even begins to speak. "I know Carson said it would be better for you to see his brother for a sonogram but now I'm thinking it might be better for everyone if I bring the other Doc here instead."
"No," you say quickly, your hand gripping his forearm. "Please don't change your mind about this. I've been stuck in the Sanctuary for months and the drive to Hilltop is so pretty and... I wanna see the fields and breathe the fresh air and not feel like I'm trapped here."
You were gripping his arm even tighter now and even you hadn't quite realised how stir crazy you'd been the past few weeks. Now that your sickness had pretty much disappeared, you were finding life inside the walls like being in a prison. Everything was so dark and grey and your room felt smaller now that you were bigger. When you'd gone up to the roof to see over the walls all you'd seen was tarmac, concrete and the dead.
"Take me, please," you pleaded, your voice dripping with desperation and somehow sounding as sweet as you ever had.
You notice the exact moment Simon caves. His puppy dog eyes melt like chocolate buttons and a small smile creases into his cheeks. "Okay. I'll take you but if anything happens when we're out there then you have to promise to do exactly what I say. I mean it. I don't want you getting out of this Jeep until I say you can and I definitely don't want you fighting."
"Okay," you chime, clipping your seat belt into place and grinning like a kid at christmas.
The drive is everything you hoped. Sure, there were the occasional roamers but beyond that there were fields filled with lush green grass and wildflowers growing untamed. The smell when you roll down your window is rich and fresh, the scent of springtime orchestrated by birds chirping in the trees.
"Thank you," you whispered, your hand landing on his knee and both of you sharing the same look of surprise before you quickly turn away, your heart thumping so hard you feel like he can hear it. If he can he doesn't say anything and if he did you're not sure you won't say something awful and ruin things.
When you reached Hilltop you didn't have to wait to be seen by Dr Carson. Having your own armed guard took care of that sort of thing and when he begins to gesture you inside his medical room you realise Simon is still waiting with the others.
"Aren't you coming?" you call, the eyes of all the Saviors focussed on you and then Simon.
He hesitates, glancing at the others before walking close enough so only you can hear when he whisper, "I thought you wouldn't want me to."
Your stomach sinks and you it's shame that's make you feel this way. He's the father to this baby and you've pushed him so far away that he's willing to miss out on this special moment. "I do want you to," you whisper, feeling sheepish.
"Yeah?" he smiles and you feel even more guilty than you did before.
"Of course I do," you say, leading the way inside.
While Carson sets up the machine you lay on the medical bed and your gaze can't help but keep wandering to Simon who's sitting besides you. Today is the first time you've really spent together since you'd left his room. He'd topped up your points and you knew he spoke to Carson about your checkups but other than that he'd stayed away just like you'd asked.
When he catches you looking at him he smiles and before you can say or do anything Carson says, "are you ready?"
You roll your shirt over your belly, gasping when Carson squeezes a huge dollop of ice cold gel onto your skin.
"Sorry," he chuckles, pressing the probe against your belly with a surprising amount of force and for a moment you think you might actually pee your pants but then a grainy imagine flicks onto the screen and you can't think of anything else. It's a baby, your baby and it's really there.
"It's perfect," you blurt and you're not sure who makes the first move but suddenly Simon's hand is wrapped around yours.
You can see the profile of its button nose and the way its little legs are kicking around. And even though you knew what this imagine was going to look like you had no idea what seeing it was going to feel like.
Simon kisses the back of your hand, whispering, "I can't believe we made that." And you can't believe it either.
"Everything looks good," Carson says eventually. "I'd estimate you to be around 19 weeks pregnant so you're already pretty much half way there. I don't see any reason why you can't have a normal, healthy delivery so we can start thinking about your birthing plans in another couple of months but for now would you like to know the gender? "
It's weird but you hadn't even considered finding out the sex of the baby, you'd just been so excited at the prospect of actually seeing it moving around in there. You look at Simon and with an unspoken agreement you answer, "yes?"
"Hell yeah," Simon adds with his boyish smile.
"Okay, well I've checked it a couple of times to make sure and it looks like you're having a baby girl. Congratulations."
A girl. A wave of emotions washes over you and you burst into tears. "Oh my god," you say dumbly. Somehow knowing the baby is a girl adds another level of realness and when you look at Simon he's grinning from ear to ear.
"I was wanting a girl," he admits.
"You were?" you sniffle, dabbing your eyes with the tissue Carson has handed you before wiping away the gel that's coating your bump.
"I figured a little girl will belong to her Daddy and I want at least one lady who lets me spoil her," Simon gushes, his eyes glazing over with a far off expression that leaves you feeling a little jealous of your own baby.
When you start to pull your shirt over your belly he holds his hand out, "can I?"
You nod, pulling your shirt back up and barely breathing as his palm rests on your bump. His hand feels rough and warm, just the way you remembered it and your skin tingles for more while a barely noticeable wiggle of movement curls inside your belly and reminds you why he's really here right now.
"I was jealous," you admit, staring at your sneakers instead of Simon. "I was jealous that you were talking to somebody else and I think no matter what you do, or who you do it with then you're be a great father. This baby is lucky to have you."
His hand slips from your stomach and you pull your shirt down, sliding off the table with as much finesse as you can manage. You don't know why you think this but you're hoping that Simon will just let you say what you've said without the sort of reaction that might make you say more. Of course he doesn't, he turns you to face him and he tilts your head so you're looking him in the eye.
"You never have to be jealous," he says like he knows just how to break your resolve. "There's no one else," he adds as if you might not have understood his meaning.
"Okay," you squeak, sounding very unlike yourself and feeling on the brink of saying something ridiculous like you might be falling in love with him. Is that what's happening? Or is it just the hormones speaking?
Dr Carson returns from wherever he had disappeared to and hands you a stack of baby photos, giving you the perfect opportunity to look away from Simon. "She's gonna need a name," you say, changing the subject.
Simon chuckles, "well I don't mind what you wanna pick as long as it ain't Negan."
You laugh, loud, feeling less like you're on the brink of blubbing some emotional nonsense and more like yourself as you bat your hand across his chest and say, "I think baby Negan is a great name."