Can it be an update? ;)

Please don't kill me, I promise changes are on their way.

I want to respond to every review, but I don't want to say too much and ruin it. It's amazing to read your reactions and speculations, thank you so much. Try not to hate Santana, but I'll let the story explain why.

Quinn came to peace with going to jail for killing Brittany; she knew it would be tough and filthy, but it could've been worth it if it meant she wouldn't touch Santana ever again.

She was aware that she had no right to feel that way and that she was being ridiculous; Brittany was special and it was impossible to be mad at her and if she made Santana happy, Quinn couldn't complain and she certainly couldn't and wouldn't do anything about it.

With that being said, it was extremely difficult for her to be with both of them in that situation, especially with what happened in the last two weeks.

Since that day in the choir room, the girls kept the space between them; no more texts, no talking, no sitting next to each other. Sometimes Quinn caught Santana looking at her, but the girl looked right away. She also saw weird conversations between Puck, Brittany and Santana; she didn't hear the exchange of words, but the way they looked and being secretive made her intrigued.

Not interacting with her best friends, the ones she used to spend most of her time with and loved so deeply, was a burden on her effort to get better. On the other hand, it gave her the opportunity to actually work on her issues.

Her and Rachel spent almost every day with each other, either talking on the phone or spending time at different places. The 'middle of the night call' event happened a few times more; Quinn called Rachel, who was getting used to it and was even more focused, cried and didn't say much. Rachel was like her guardian angel; always by her side, not pushing her to speak and saying the right thing.

The friendship wasn't perfect; Rachel being Rachel, she always wanted to sing or watch musicals, anything that had something to do with music. When that happened, Quinn got up and left the place or hung up. It made Rachel so mad [and Quinn loved every second], but it worked, most of the time, and the subject was changed.

With Sam things were more on the friendly side; they went to the cinema, played video games, hung out with the rest of the group. They did try to get closer; they kissed a few times and cuddled, but Quinn always ended it and deflected, she never agreed to talk about their relationship.

With the club everything was better than she expected; it wasn't just a bunch of kids singing songs, they were great friends and they actually learned and coped with a lot with the help of music.

Mr. Shue asked Mike, Brittany, Santana and her to work together on the choreography for the next competition; that was when Quinn discovered just how much jealous she could get. They partnered up; Mike and her and Brittany with Santana. She and the girls didn't talk, the communication was done through Mike and it worked pretty well.

That until the girls said they should step up and make it more sensual; hands were everywhere, body part rubbing against other parts, sweat dripping from the strain and clothes were quickly thrown away.

Santana's skin was glistening as she moved on the auditorium's stage and Quinn's eyes almost popped out. The shorter blond did the best she could to pay attention to Mike, but seeing the girl she wanted so much with another killed her.

Brittany was so elegant and graceful, her hands moved on Santana's like silk and they were synchronized perfectly together. They completed each other.

Quinn watched the girls talk and laugh without her. The intimacy was obvious and, like knives, it tore Quinn's heart.

Not able to take it anymore, after two and a half hours, Quinn stopped, "I think we've done enough, we have most of the routines. I think we should wrap it up."

"Why? Your boy toy is waiting for you?" Santana sneered, not exactly at her.

As desperate as she was for the girl, Quinn knew it would've been a bad idea to say something back. Instead, she took her stuff and walked out.

Quinn was in a rush to get out of school that she bumped into Sam; she would've fallen if she hadn't reacted as fast as he did and catch her.

"Wow, slow down."

"Sorry, Sam." He let go of her and she straightened the wrinkles on her skirt. "What are you still doing here?"

"Some guys stayed to play basketball. I was on my out when I remembered you're here and came to say hey."

"Oh how romantic!" Santana scoffed and made a puking gesture as she and Brittany got closer to the two.

Quinn rolled her eyes and took Sam's hand in hers.

"I was right, huh?" Santana ran her hand in her hair, "What is it about you, Sammy boy, that got Quinnie so hooked?"

Feeling Sam's body tense up next to her, Quinn's anxiety went into full mode. Staying away from each other was ok, why did Santana have to ruin it?

Sam mumbled something, but he couldn't get a proper sentence under Santana's eyes. Brittany whispered to Santana to not do that, that they should leave and to stop, but the girl stood firm in her place.

"What was that?" Santana smirked, "did you pop her cherry, yet?"

"Santana!" Both Quinn and Brittany exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, guys.." Brittany pushed Santana away from there with an apologizing look. When the girls were far enough for Quinn to hear, Brittany seemed to reprimand her; Santana brushed her off and sped up out of the school.

"Ugh she's such a..." Quinn was beyond mad, but before she could rant she saw Sam's face and her heart stopped.

"Quinn.."

She needed to say something, anything, to make him stop talking.

"Forget about it; let's go grab something to eat." Quinn took his hand and started to walk, but he stopped her.

"I think we should talk." He sounded serious, his face still looked relaxed, but it was obvious he was about to say the one thing Quinn was most afraid of.

"We don't, let's just go."

Quinn preferred someone to shoot her than Sam saying those words. It wasn't fair of her to drag him along, but she was horrified for the words to come out. She wasn't ready to speak about it, actually she wanted more than anything for it to go away.

Looking in his knowing eyes made it hard to breath and her palms sweaty. Quinn stepped backwards; like if she won't hear it then it wasn't true and he didn't really know the most vulnerable thing about her. He didn't know she was a sinner.

"Quinn? Calm down, it's just a talk.." Sam tried to grab her hand, but Quinn pushed him away and ran as fast as her legs could carry her.

She pushed through the school's doors. When she was out she almost fell down from how fast she stopped; she saw Brittany's hands wrapped around Santana and the brunet's face buried in her neck. It was like God put her through hell on purpose, forced her to see how life as a sinner is unbearable.

She walked to her car with her eyes fixed on the girls; the movements of Brittany's hands on Santana's back were like someone pure acid in her throat. Her heart begged her to go over there and tear Santana out of her blonde friend's arms and yell "she belongs to me!". Quinn wanted to be the one to comfort her, to be her rock.. But she shouldn't have wanted that, it was wrong.

Tears streamed down her face when she started her car and drove away from there. From the truth she was so afraid of.

"What the hell, Q?! You look like.." He was startled when he opened the door.

"Shut up!" She brushed some tears so she could see clearer, "You have what I asked?"

He knew it was a bad idea and that he really shouldn't give it to her; Santana would hang him from his balls and leave him to die, besides, Quinn looked like shit and he was scared for her. But he was more afraid that she would've killed him if he'd said 'no' so he just gave her what she wanted.

"If you tell a soul I was here, I swear to rip your head off. Am I clear enough?" Quinn growled at him and snatched the bag from his hands.

He nodded and watched her get back in her car and drive off.

Quinn lay on the grass with her eyes closed, the wind tickled her body. Her phone was in the car so she didn't know how long she was there and no one interrupted her.

"What did I do wrong? I never wanted that so why isn't god taking it from me? Why doesn't he just make me stop wanting her so much? This almighty god enjoys giving people challenges they're destined to fail? I don't get it! Why do you do this to me?! I want to live a normal and peaceful life, but you keep testing and punishing me for something that's out of my hands!" Quinn sighed heavily, "tell me what to do and I will. But I can't do it alone, my feelings for her get stronger every day." she muttered.

Quinn didn't care that the tears didn't stop washing her face; nothing mattered at that point because she thought that her life was over. Sam knew about her, Rachel knew about something else, she couldn't talk to anyone and, she thought, that soon enough it'd get to her parents. If that were to happen Quinn had two, horror scenarios- Either her parents would send her to some reparative therapy camp or kick her out to the street. She couldn't let it happen.

Quinn couldn't understand how other people accept it so easily, she couldn't think of anything worse than that.

Then she thought about the girl who started all of that.

The girl that, even though it destroyed her life, she couldn't stop admiring and long for.

They were friends, best friends forever and she never thought they'd end up like that. It was funny that all three of them liked girls in some way, what were the chances?

Quinn refused to ever think about the past and she had good reason; Santana and her used to cuddle at sleepovers up until high school, they used to sit on one of their beds and snuggle, they were each others first priority [before their family, other friends, boys..]. At that time it was them being them, nothing out of the ordinary. But when Quinn thought about it, that day on the grass, she realized how wrong they were and for how long. She also got why her body craved Santana; she was constantly with her and what she was going through was similar to withdrawls.

*Flashback- age 12*

There was a terrible storm in Lima; the snow got to their knees, the rain didn't stop for a second and the wind tore trees from the ground.

That day Quinn was at Santana's house; they'd met up to do homework and just hang out. Victoria told them that it wasn't safe to go out in that weather so Quinn had to stay the night. The girls, of course, were thrilled and planned the rest of their night.

After they ate dinner, they went back to Santana's room and watched a movie.

"Santana, turn down the volume, I can't understand anything."

"No, it gives us the effect like we're in the cinema."

Quinn tried to take the remote from Santana, but she succeeded to keep her hold on it.

"Is that because of the thunders?" Quinn asked cautiously, she knew how sensitive the other girl was about the subject.

"phs no.." Santana scratched her nose.

Quinn grinned and kept watching the movie, with the volume still high.

Later that night, Quinn woke up because Santana kept moving. The blond was tired, she just crawled next to her and wrapped her tightly in her arms. Santana stiffened, but shortly after relaxed in Quinn's arms. Quinn stayed up with Santana; with every clap of thunder she tightened her hold on the girl and heard her breathing change from fast to normal every couple of minutes. She planted a few soft kisses on her neck and said soft words in her ear until she felt her breathing even out and she fell asleep.

In the time before she fell asleep herself, Quinn breathed Santana's scent and just absorbed the moment that will become one of the best moments in her life.

*End of flashback*

Once again, the thought of 'how can something feel so right and yet be so wrong' took over.

At that moment Quinn hoped that that place would be where she die and those last breaths would've been her last.

Then something she'd never thought would happen happened; Quinn felt a hand on her face, brushing the tears from her eyes. She jumped and opened her eyes to see the first and last person she wanted with her.

"What the hell?!" Quinn hissed, but then she saw the gentle look on her face and regretted it immediately.

"That's my question to ask, what are you doing here, Q? And with that?" She held the bag Puck gave Quinn.

"That's none of your business. What are you doing here?" She stood up and turned on her HBIC attitude.

"I saw you drive like a crazy person from the school parking lot so I went to Froggy lips, to ask him what he done. He was useless, as always.." Santana talked with her hands and Quinn rolled her eyes, "Then I got a text from Puck.."

"That asshole!" Quinn said under her breath.

"Don't worry; I took good care of him. Let's just say I'm not sure he will be able to have children." Santana smirked and they giggled.

Quinn was the one who broke the uncomfortable silence, "How did you know where I was?"

Santana averted her eyes from Quinn's and the blonde could've sworn she saw her cheeks get a shade of red, but it was hard to tell due to Santana's skin tone.

"After Sam told me you ran and Puck told me about that," She waved the bag, "I wanted to make sure you're alright.." She said shyly.

Quinn raised her eyebrow and smirked, "You worried about little old me?"

"Don't start with me, Fabray" Santana glared at her, but had a hint of a smile on her lips.

Quinn giggled at her, at how adorable she was. "But how did you find me here?"

"This is where we used to come to play hide and seek, when we were kids." Santana said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Quinn huffed and smile, "I should've known.."

Then, Santana came close to her and examined her eyes. The closeness after so long did it's thing; Quinn felt her body go in flames as Santana's breath hit her face. She flicked her eyes, for a split second, to Santana's lips; she had to, it was åuncontrollable. When she returned her eyes to Santana's, she saw the girl with a tensed look, like she tried to reach something inside of her. Quinn's heart never beat so fast and she had to chew her inner cheek so she won't close the gap.

Quinn faked a coughed and they parted.

"What are you.." Quinn asked in a quiet voice.

"Wanted to check if you used any of that shit." It was still awkward between them; Quinn even felt her ears burning.

"You can, but I can't?" She felt the need to keep the conversation going.

"Exactly; you're pure, you don't need it." Again with the shyness that Quinn couldn't understand, she was surprised that Santana could even get shy.

Quinn played with her hand, while Santana played with the hem of her shirt, both girls wanted to be like they used to, but they knew that there was too much baggage that needed to be solved.

Quinn's mind drifted to what she was thinking about before Santana came and it freaked her out. Plus, the fact that it was so easy for them to go back to they way they were.

She was the problem, at least that's what she thought; she fell for her gorgeous and taken best friend and kept distanced and closed herself.

"Talk to me, Q" Santana put her hand on Quinn's arm.

The blond flinched, "Don't touch me!"

"We can't keep doing that; have some moments and then act like we never knew each other."

"We don't have moments and I told you, I need time." It was so cold that she could've frozen hell.

Santana was frustrated and sighed, "To become BFF with Rachel? I can see that you're going through something, I'm your best friend, just talk to me." It was almost desperate.

Best friends; that was all they were all they'll ever be and Quinn had to focus on that. They could've never been anything but friends, she had to get it in her head and let go of that stupid crush.

Even if she could've put her feelings aside, Quinn wasn't sure she could go back to what they were.

"Things change, as you know." It was harsh and despite everything that she experienced on the inside, Quinn kept a straight face.

"Fuck, Quinn! I like girls, ok? It's only a part of who I am, it doesn't define me. I don't ask you to change your beliefs, only to accept that small part of me as you accepted everything else." Santana tried to keep calm and be reasonable, but it became a difficult task.

Quinn was with her back to Santana and she froze.

"I like girls.. I like girls.. I like girls.." It echoed in her ears and her mouth went dry. It was harder and harder to breath, especially with the Latina's eyes glued to her back.

"Don't you get that it hurts me to see you so close to strangers? You can't throw years of friendship away just like that and go to other people, I won't let you."

Quinn subbed, but stayed quiet; she tried to gather enough strength to not have a panic attack so she could leave.

"You do this on purpose?" Santana's hands wrapped around her waist as she whispered, "You want to hurt me?"

Quinn's body seemed to stop working; she couldn't move and barely breathed. At first, she gasped at the touch, but then felt something new. Santana's breath on her neck, her hands on her body and her breasts pressed on her back sent a jolt of warmth to her core.

"Am I...? It can't be. I can't function, I want to run.. How can I be turned on?! What do you want from me, god?! Just put me out of my misery, please, I can't take it."

Quinn shook her head and wished the girl would've left her so she could pull herself together and get the hell out of there.

"No? So you're really friends with Man hands and all those losers? Nothings going on with you, you just can't stand that your best friend like girls?" Santana's hands slightly hurt her, but it was good.

"I'm so twisted; I actually enjoy her tight hold on my body.. What's wrong with me?! Why I'm such a freak?!"

Quinn was disgusted with herself, she hated herself so much for her desire. In her mind, a normal person doesn't get turned on by pain and certainly when it's a person of the same gender that gives that pain. She was so disturbed that she pushed herself from Santana and turned around. She saw the fear in Santana's eyes; she struggled not to push the girl on the ground and tear off her clothes.

She had to leave..

"Q? Quinn!" Santana screamed behind her, but Quinn ran to her car and started it. Santana knocked on her window, but Quinn stared straight and pressed the gas.

Once again, Quinn left Santana. But that time, Santana was all alone to deal with the confusion, heartbreak and fear for her best friend.

Quinn went to the only place she could've thought of. She parked her car and walked towards the door; her breathing was short, so short that not enough oxygen got into her lungs.

It was late at night and hours after she drove away from the girl that turned her world upside down. Still, she knocked on the door and hoped that the right person would answer.

The light on the first floor turned on and the door opened.

"Yeah?" Rachel said in a raspy voice as she cleaned her eyes from the sleep.

"Rach.." Quinn was broken.

Rachel stormed at her once she saw the blood socked shirt and pants.

"Oh my god, Quinn!" Rachel was in utter panic.

Share your thoughts and also, do you think Quinn is going to tell Rachel?

For ranting, asking questions or sharing thoughts- lesbianShips on Tumblr.

'till next time.