Last time on green fluffy long toed feathery hooves adventure book starring Cleopatra and the billiard cats, our friends got out of Lord Jabu-Jabu A-Okay! With a pissed off Link, a dumbass Zora, and four small cuddly animals anything's possible! After they've finished with the fish deity, they decided to go retrieve Farore's Wind from the Great Fairy in Zora's fountain. Unfortunately for lopsided Link and his furry companions, Ruto decided to tag along with her new fiancé.

They were now standing in front of the wall that had the Great Fairy fountain behind it. Link put a bomb by the wall and stepped back. After it exploded and uncovered a huge hole they went inside. It looked like all the other fairy fountain's so I don't think I need to describe it again. Link plays "Zelda's Lullaby" and after a screeching laugh the Great Fairy appears . . . unfortunately she was completely naked!

"OH GROSS!" Stephanie screamed.

"That's disgusting . . ." Cheyenne said.

"They should put up warning signs or something when they decide to send their vines to the cleaners." Sage said.

"What are you little carpet munchers bitching about now?! We Zora folk don't wear clothing either but you never complained about it before! I think clothes are a waste of space and time! I hate clothes and you! You think you're better than anyone else just cause you aren't naked?! Just so you know, you technically are naked you just can't tell because you have fur or feathers! You dumb pieces of shit!" Ruto shouted.

"Why haven't we killed her yet?" Linda asked.

"What's up guys?!" The Great Fairy said while ignoring her guests then leaning forward, bringing her arms up and resting her chin on her hands, "You wouldn't believe the stories my sisters have been telling me about you."

"Oh really; Are they as fabricated as the outfit you're wearing?" Sage asked.

"My sisters never lie, so when they say you're heartless heathens I believe them; and as for me being naked, well let's just say that natural beauty should never be hidden." The Great Fairy replied.

"I think you should make an exception here; especially since you're in the presence of a minor." Stephanie said.

"Make that five minors." Cheyenne added.

"Oh my goddesses stop judging me! Wait a minute, what do you mean five minors, aren't there six of you? Not counting you Navi cause I know you're a big girl now." The Great Fairy said.

"Thank you my Queen." Navi said with a blush.

"I'm eighteen so I'm not a minor. Sage is seventeen and the other two are sixteen." Linda said, pointing to the others as she says their age, "and I think it's pretty obvious Link and fish head are still children."

"I hate you, little fagg-" Ruto started.

"You better shut your mouth before I shove a rock up your ass." Linda interrupted causing Ruto to scowl.

"I still can't believe you're eighteen." The Great Fairy said.

"Well it's hard to tell when I'm an animal." Linda said.

"No, it's probably because you have a baby face and looks like you still have a lot of baby fat." The Great Fairy said while looking Linda over.

"I'm going to clip your nipple off with a nail clipper." Linda said irritably.

"Hm? My nipple; why would you want to do that?" The Great Fairy asked while fondling her breasteses.

"Can you just give Link Farore's Wind so we can get the hell out of here?" Sage asked irritably.

The Great Fairy sighs "Fine, I'll give you Farore's Wind! Mostly because I don't want to hear you're constant complaining . . . and I'm getting cold." The Great Fairy spreads her arms and legs then crazy magic flies out of her and heads towards Link, "now be a good boy and use that properly. If you summon Farore's wind you can warp back to any previous spot you've already been, but only if you cast the wind beforehand. Do you understand?" Link nods, "Good, now run along and don't let the bed bugs bite." She smiles before letting out another one of her screeching laughs and disappearing into her fountain.

"Why do I always feel dumber after talking to a fairy?" Sage asks while they walk out of the fairy fountain.

"Oh shut up! You're just naturally dumb!" Navi argued.

"I think you're all just bastard children who need to stop sucking old men for money!" Ruto shouted.

"Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?!" Linda yelled.

"Look Ruto, we have things to do so we have to go. Your father's worried about you so you should go to him." Link said irritably.

"But what about us?" Ruto asked while batting her eyelashes.

"I don't even know what that means." Link groaned, "But I guess we can walk you back to Zora's domain." The animals and Navi groan at Links' decision, "Just bear with it." He replied.

They finally head back into Zora's domain where they find a bunch of Zora's trying to pick up the King Zora from the ground.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy." Cheyenne said.

"I think we all did." Sage said while looking at everyone's surprised faces.

"Father!" Ruto screamed in a panic as she ran to the Zora King, "Why the hell do you have to be such a dumbass?! Haven't I already told you that jumping around with your weight would just hurt you?! It's like talking to a damn wall! If you grew a brain then mom would still be around and your kingdom wouldn't be filled with f*cktards!"

"I'm sorry Princess, but the King is dead." One of the Zora's trying to flip the King over said.

Ruto stared at the Zora with disbelief ". . . What?"

"Bet she feels like shit." Sage said low enough to where only the other animals heard.

"Maybe her ego will flatten a little." Cheyenne said.

"When he fell, one of the undigested octorok skeletons punctured his gills and he suffocated to death." The Zora explained. Our friends look at each other with an awkward sense of panic while Ruto crouches next to her father and begins to cry.

"Maybe we should go." Linda suggested.

"You can't be serious; we're the reason why he's dead! We need to take some responsibility!" Stephanie lectured.

"To be fair, Sage is the one that knocked him over." Linda said.

"I didn't knock him over! He bent over to get the bottle that I threw at him!" Sage argued.

"Which is why he fell over, in other words, you killed him." Linda said.

"Before another idiot dies, let me stop you guys where you are and tell you that a whole army of Zora's are hearing everything you're saying." Navi said rather calmly. Sage and Linda look over at the group of Zora's standing around their dead King looking rather pissed at what they're hearing.

"Maybe we should go." Stephanie said, repeating what Linda said not too long ago.

"Do to those bastards what they did to my father! I better not find even one nail clipping from them when you're done!" Ruto screamed.

And in an instant, our heroes were being chased out of Zora's domain. The Zora bunch finally gave up chasing after our zeroes when they passed Zora's River. Luckily, our zeroes were able to get away with only a few scrapes and bruises. Now that they weren't being pursued they could continue on to the castle where they'll give the stones to the Princess.

By the time they got to the castle it was night time and raining. For some reason the drawbridge that usually is pulled up at night was still down. As the group got closer, a white horse with two riders galloped passed them; almost running them over.

"Oh what the hell!" Sage shouted; seeing as she landed in a puddle when jumping out of the horses' way.

"Zelda!" Link shouted when he noticed the two riders were her and her caretaker, Impa.

Zelda looks back at Link before digging in a knapsack she had and throwing something towards him. It flies over his head, hitting Stephanie in the face and knocking her into the moat. Link turns toward Stephanie then notices a black horse galloping towards them, but with only one rider. The rider pulls back the reigns and the horse comes to a stop. The rider looks down at Link and his animal friends only to realize they're giving him a strange look.

"What, is there something on my face?" The rider asks; the group shakes their head, "What is it then? Am I so handsome that you can't keep your eyes off me?" He asks in a smug tone.

"You're a pig . . ." Cheyenne said, bewildered, "and you're riding a horse . . ."

"That's Ganondorf." Link scowled.

"What?!" The animals asked.

"I remember that ugly face; he's the guy Zelda showed me through the window." Link explained.

"For one, I'm not ugly! And two, what are you doing spying on me through a window? What I do in the privacy of my room should be none of your concern!" Ganondorf snorted.

The group hears struggling coming from behind Ganondorf and his horse. They look and see a cow on the ground on its back tied by all four legs with a rope that's attached to the horses' saddle.

"A pig riding a horse that's dragging around a cow, that's not something you see every day." Cheyenne said.

"There's something oddly familiar about that cow." Sage said, eyeing the cow. The cow struggles and makes some noise as if it's trying to communicate, but is restrained from doing so because its mouth is tied shut.

"That's my most prized possession at the moment." Ganondorf began, "it's a legendary animal, and once I get my hands on that princess all of my dreams will come true."

"Legendary animal?" Cheyenne asked.

"You mean Kayla?" Sage asked.

"That girl you were talking to in the garden?" Link asked.

"The one with the coconut bra?" Linda asked. The group gives her an odd look and she shrugs, "You were all asking questions I didn't want to feel left out."

"You guys are a bunch of idiots aren't you?" Ganondorf asked.

"Most of the time they are." Navi answered, referring to the animals.

"I feel sorry for you; only a select few can be as gorgeous and perfect as me." Ganondorf sighed.

"At least we're not an ugly pig!" Link shouted.

"Now wait just a second, I am not ugly!" Ganondorf argued, but regained composure and said "There's no need to be jealous little boy I'm sure somewhere in your black heart there is something good about you."

"Please tell your horse to stop glaring at me." Cheyenne said.

"No!" Ganondorf shouted then a weird laser beam came out of his nose and hit Link who falls to the ground, "Oops, well, I've got work to do so . . ." He whips his horse and it gallops in the direction that Zelda went.

"He's getting away!" Link shouted, trying to lift himself off the ground.

"There's no point trying to chase him now Link, he's on a horse and we're on foot. But I am curious as to what Zelda threw at us." Navi said.

"What about the cow? I mean, I didn't see it get dragged off with Ganondorf or anything." Cheyenne pointed out.

"That's because while you were talking to him, we" Sage said referring to Linda and herself, "chewed through the rope that she was tied up with."

The cow walked over to the group and sat down "Thanks guys, I don't know what I'd do if I was dragged around like that any longer."

"So what's your name cow?" Navi asked.

"Kayla" The cow answered.

"Wait, weren't you h-uman the last time we spoke?" Link asked, vaguely remembering what the animals referred to themselves before they were animals.

"Yeah, but the guy chasing after Zelda is the one who turned me into this." Kayla said.

"We have to go stop him!" Link shouted. They begin to hear strange gurgling and coughing sounds. After looking around they see Stephanie climbing out of the moat.

"Thanks-" Stephanie gasped "for not helping me out of here!" she shouted as she pulled herself out of the moat.

"Oh sorry" Linda said apathetically.

"Did you get whatever Zelda threw at you?" Navi asked.

Stephanie looks at her companions unpleased before throwing an ocarina at them. Link catches it and is suddenly sent somewhere deep in his mind . . . or is it the ocarina? I don't know. He finds himself in an unknown area with Zelda standing in front of him facing the opposite direction.

"By the time you receive this, I will be exactly five miles away from you." Zelda spoke, "I have only one last thing to ask of you; please protect the legendary animal. I was asked to protect her a while back but am no longer able to so like some domineering bitch I leave the responsibility to you and your animal friends. She doesn't like to eat anything green and sometimes smells of cheese but I think you'll get along fine." she turns towards Link, "now I will teach you a song that you must play at the altar in the temple of time."

Zelda teaches Link the Song of Time and wave's good bye as she begins to fade. When Link blinks his eyes he realizes he's right where he was before he went deep into his mind . . . or the ocarina.

"Oh please, Elvis Presley could kick Pikachu's ass." Linda said.

"How? Pikachu could use his thunder bolt on him and he'd be dead." Kayla argued.

"He already is." Cheyenne pointed out.

"Not in the Johto region." Linda said.

"What kind of Pokemon game are you playing?" Sage asked.

"How long have I been in that strange place?" Link asked a little confused.

"What strange place?" Navi asked.

"I was in a strange white room with Zelda talking to me." Link replied.

"We don't want to know about your awkward fantasies." Sage said.

"I normally would, but not this time because you said Zelda was in it." Linda said.

"Okay . . ." Link said.

"You shouldn't be having lustful fantasies at your age Link, or at any age for that matter; you'll go to hell." Stephanie lectured.

"It wasn't anything like that!" Link said, blushing.

"Your face says otherwise, you're going to hell for lying." Stephanie said.

"I guess we're all going to hell then." Cheyenne said with a chuckle and after thinking about it the other animals nodded in agreement.

"That means I have front row seating because I keep imagining Links' nipples to look like Hershey's Kisses." Linda admitted. Everyone just gives her an odd look.

"Actually I do too, but it's with Channing Tatum and donuts." Sage said.

"Just ignore them Link, continue on about what you talked about with Zelda." Navi said.

Link thought for a moment "Well, she said I have to protect the legendary animal then taught me a song and said I had to play it at some altar in the temple of time; wherever that is."

"It's in Hyrule market, I can take you there." Kayla said.

"So does that make you the legendary animal?" Navi asked.

"Before I became this cow I was human! How can I be the legendary animal if I was never an animal to begin with?!" Kayla shouted.

"I don't know, but I do sense some strange aura surrounding you." Navi said while eyeing Kayla.

"I've been hearing that a lot," Kayla sighed, "so do you want me to take you to the temple or not?"

They all nod and head into the market. All the townsfolk were in a panic and guards were running around trying to find their lost princess. After weaving through the panicked crowd they reach the temple of time. As Link opens the door they hear a strange thud coming from behind them. They look and see another pig; thinking it was Ganondorf they run into the temple and barricade the door shut.

"Let me in you bastards!" A girly voice shouted from the other side of the door.

"What's the password?!" Linda asked.

"Uh . . . Alakazam?" The girl asked.

"Nope."

"Would you just stop being an idiot for one second?!" Navi shouted to Linda before flying up to the door, "Who is this and what do you want?!"

"Well, my name is Kristen, Kris for short and I came to retrieve that cow you have with you." The girl replied.

"Oh you mean Kayla?" Cheyenne asked.

"You idiot, don't tell her the legendary animal is here!" Navi screamed.

"She probably already knows, and if she didn't before she does now thanks to your big mouth!" Sage said.

"Link, why don't you take your light bulb here and go take care of business at the altar you were talking about earlier; we animals can take care of things here." Linda said and Link nodded hesitantly before he and Navi walked off.

"Tell us what you want with Kayla!" Stephanie demanded.

"Why should I tell you? It's not like you're going to hand her over or anything." Kristen said.

"True" Stephanie said.

"Tell us anyway." Cheyenne said.

"Whatever, it's because my dad told me to." Kristen said with a sigh.

The animals look at each other with confused looks "Who's your dad?" Sage asked.

"If you have the legendary animal then you've already met him, he's also a pig; Ganondorf." Kristen said not interested with their questions.

"Ganondorf had a kid?" Linda asked and the others shrugged.

"Look, I don't think you want me to break down this door and take the cow by force. I'm going to be nice and give you till the count of five." Kristen warned.

Linda leans in closer to the other animals as Kris begins to count "I've got an idea, let's have Steph fly over and dump a bucket of dead fish on Kris's head."

"Where the hell are we supposed to get a bucket of fish?" Sage asked.

"Well I haven't planned that far yet." Linda said.

Sage sighs irritably "I've got a better idea; we run to Link and hide in the sacred realm for seven years."

"That's definitely a plan I can live with." Kayla said.

Suddenly, the temple doors burst open, throwing all of the animals back a few feet. They see Ganondorf walking in with Kristen not too far behind.

"Get the animal, I'll get the boy." Ganondorf commanded Kristen. She nods, scanning the area for Kayla while Ganondorf continues deeper into the temple. As she gets closer to Kayla who's trying to lift herself off the ground the other animals jump up and defend their friend.

Sage starts scratching at Kristen's face while Stephanie pulls her tail; Linda head butts her in the stomach and she falls over Stephanie. While Sage and Cheyenne are scratching or pecking at Kristen's face, Linda looks over towards the back room and sees a blinding light.

"Link pulled out the Master sword!" Linda said a little panicked.

"Is that good?" Stephanie and Kayla asked.

"Our seven years in the sacred realm plan is ruined, we've got to get Kayla away from here." Linda said.

"Where?!" Stephanie asked.

"Claude's house." Linda whispered, "Take her there and hide her as best you can until we come and get you." Stephanie nods and leads Kayla out of the temple. Linda looks to the back room and sees the light starting to diminish.

"Get away from me!" Kristen yells as she swats at Sage and Cheyenne.

"You don't deserve ultimate power!" Sage shouted.

"I'll make sure your eyes come out so you can never glare at anybody ever again!" Cheyenne yelled.

"That's enough!" Ganondorf yelled as all three animals are hit with one of his strange power beams, causing them to scream in pain, "Where is it?!" he demanded. The animals lay limp on the floor, unable to move "I've tried to be a good man to you but my patience is wearing thin. Now tell me where the legendary animal went and I may or may not consider letting you live."

"We told her to go after the Princess," Sage said between breaths, "she's the only one who knows where the Princess went."

"Not much help, but it's a start." Ganondorf says as he walks towards the exit, "Kill them and send some guards after the princess and the cow." He told Kristen and she nodded.

They all watch as Ganondorf leaves the temple then the animals stand up and turn towards Kristen with a smirk. She glares at them but obviously knows the odds are against her.

"I wasn't prepared for your assault earlier, but now that I am I can take on all three of you." Kristen said, not sounding too sure of herself.

*Five minutes later*

Sage, Cheyenne and Linda are hiding in a bush outside the temple of time, watching as Ganondorfs' Stalfos army invades Hyrule market. If you care to know, Kristen is inside the temple tied up with the rope Kayla was tied up with earlier.

"How are we going to sneak the chicken out of the wolf's den?" Cheyenne asked, referring to Kayla. Not taking the chance that someone might be listening.

"Well I haven't planned that far yet." Linda said.

"I'm just glad you came up with a decent plan." Sage said.

"Sure, but how do we know that they even made it that far?" Cheyenne asked.

"We could sneak passed the wolf's den into the hen house." Linda suggested.

"And risk getting caught? Ganondorf probably already told them to look out for us." Sage pointed out.

"These Stalfos can probably patrol the place day and night; we'll be at risk no matter what we do. Besides, we need to get to the hen's house before the whole place is ransacked and the chicken is found and captured." Linda said.

"Linda, you're surprising me with your witty banter." Cheyenne said.

"I know, must be the adrenaline or something." Linda said.

"So are we jumping over rooftops or scurrying through bushes?" Sage asked.

"I'd like to stay on the ground if you don't mind." Linda said.

"I can fly above you guys and warn you if anything's about to happen." Cheyenne said.

"That sounds like a good plan to me." Linda said.

After successfully sneaking around harassing Stalfos and panicking civilians, they make it to Claude's apartment. Once inside, they find Claude running around his room throwing anything and everything in a suitcase.

"Claude!" They shouted happily.

Claude stops what he's doing and turns to his friends with a big smile on his face "Hey bitches!" he runs over and gives them a big hug, "Oh my goddesses! You wouldn't believe the day I'm having!" He says as he continues to pack his belongings, "First some slut in the market takes like ten years to order some fish, then I found out I didn't have enough rupees to buy me lunch and now Hyrule's being taken over by skeletons with swords! I mean, what else could possibly go wrong?!"

"Yeah our day was somewhat similar to that, except for the fish and lunch things." Linda said.

"You wouldn't happen to see Steph and a cow run by here would you?" Sage asked after noticing Claude is the only one here.

"Oh yeah, that cow was way too big to fit in my room so I sent them down the secret passageway in the basement." Claude said.

"What secret passageway?" They all asked.

Claude rolled his eyes "Like I said, the one in the basement; it's an emergency exit for the people living here."

After Claude gets all his things packed they head down to the basement. They had to light a candle when they got down there and it smelled of mold. Claude walks over to a pile of rubbish and moves things around to uncover a trap door in the ground. They lift it up and jump down in to the passageway.

"How the hell did Kayla fit through the trap door?" Sage asked.

"We had to cover her in butter and beat her down with a stick." Claude said, reliving the moment, "it was a sad way to use butter." He said with a sigh.

"I'm sure we could all think of good ways to use butter." Sage said with a smirk.

Claude gasped "Oh you're so bad for even thinking that." He said with a smile.

When they reach the end of the passage, they climb a ladder and open another trap door. They find themselves in the little dirt area next to the building that will become the Poe shop in the future. After carrying Claude's suitcases out of the passageway and checking to see if the coast is clear they run out of Hyrule market. When they get outside they find Stephanie and Kayla sitting on the drawbridge.

"Great hiding place guys." Sage said sarcastically.

"Shut up, we didn't know where to go and we didn't want to get lost." Stephanie said.

"Are we going to wait for Link?" Claude asked.

"Well, let's just say we won't be seeing Link for a really long time." Linda said.

"And where will you guys go?" Claude asked. They all look at each other and shrug, "Well that makes all of us then."

"You don't have a plan either?" Cheyenne asked and Claude shakes his head.

"Do you guys hear that?" Sage asked. They all start to hear strange creaking sounds. They turn their heads and look around to see if anybody else is there with them. Suddenly the drawbridge splits and they all fall into the moat.

"God dammit! Kayla your fat ass broke the bridge!" Sage shouted while holding on to Claude's shirt.

"It couldn't have been just me!" Kayla argued.

"We don't weight around four hundred pounds!" Linda said.

"My clothes!" Claude screamed while going after his suitcase.

As promised I posted two chapters PLUS a new cover page for the story. But it's not done yet so i'm just going to put up what i have of the picture thus far. I think that's it...ok bye!