Chapter 10: Commitment to Duty
Byakuya woke to find his head resting on a bed of tumbled red hair and his face pressed up against Renji's soft throat. He had, of course, noticed before that Renji had an attractive scent, but wrapped around his body and with his nose and lips touching the redhead's skin, the scent was nearly intoxicating. And breathing it in such quantities left him with a softly racing heart and a hungry, aching feeling in his loins.
So…it seems that I am attracted to him. And I just admitted to myself that I found his scent attractive before. So is that it? Is this why I was chosen? I was attracted to him, but simply reluctant to embrace it?
He stole a glance at Renji's sleeping face, at the black markings set against golden brown skin. His fingers moved, pushing back the edge of his yukata and revealing more of the entrancing markings that danced down his body in bold, jagged lines, enticing the noble's eyes to follow.
Could it be that I've simply been fooling myself?
"You can touch them if you want to," Renji said, startling him.
Byakuya gave him a stern look.
"You should go," he said quietly.
"I told you that I'm staying with you until you are ready to go home."
"And I will be discharged today," the noble went on, "But because I am not able to see to the final welcome ceremonies, that responsibility falls to you and Rukia. Torio and Koji will attend the two of you. Rukia knows what to do as she has attended such ceremonies."
"Aw…don't tell me I have to go hug and shake hands with those people, Byakuya. They hate me! And really, it's kinda mutual…"
"That doesn't matter," Byakuya said firmly, "You are my husband and if I am indisposed, there are some of my responsibilities you must attend to. The guests will have breakfast with you at the manor and then you will see them off. After they are gone, you will go to the division and make certain that everything is in order for your promotion ceremony."
"Whoa…what? My…promotion ceremony? As in…becoming a captain? Byakuya…you do know that I haven't even tested for the position, right? No one just walks into a captain's haori…"
"You are the King's Samurai heir. By definition, your power will exceed any captain's…and therefore, you are not required to test for the position. You have certainly been at my side long enough to know the ins and outs of running a division. As soon as you and I have released the three seals on our powers and reached our full reiatsu output, you will assume your post."
Renji sat up, scratching the back of his neck and frowning.
"Three seals?" he repeated, looking confused.
"It was revealed to me that when we were born, three limiter seals were placed on our reiatsu so that we would function at no higher level than any captain of the Gotei 13. This was to help conceal us so that no person or creature would seek to harm us as we matured. Now that you have come of age and your identity as heir has been revealed, we will remove the seals one by one, resulting in us reaching the peak of our abilities. This is what will ready us for our positions as Captain of the Royal Guard and King's Samurai."
"But why do we have to remove them one by one? Wouldn't it make more sense and be faster to take them off all at once?"
"An increase in power to that extreme would undoubtedly overwhelm our bodies. It must be done gradually to give us time to adjust. Remember too, that you are pregnant…and that will make it necessary for you to move forward carefully. As you progress, you will suffer from power surges and fall offs. Your reiatsu may spike or drop suddenly," Byakuya warned him, "In addition, we must train together to learn to control the increased reiatsu. To fail to do that could be disastrous for us and anyone or anything near us."
"So…how much more power are we talking about?" Renji mused.
"Take your greatest outlay of power and it will be about ten times that strong."
"T-ten…times?" Renji whispered, "Shit…my kido's dangerous enough when I lose control now, but what if I…?"
"That is why we must practice. And we will do so in a carefully maintained environment. We will master each level increase until we are at full strength. At that point, we will have to replace the limiters until our ascent into our positions in the spirit dimension. We will only be allowed to fully loose our power there."
Renji let out a long breath.
"I know it's a lot to take in…but ours is a legacy of divine power…and when we are called to defend our king in the spirit dimension, we must be ready. For now, you must continue to settle into noble life. I will need a few days to fully recover and then we will commence our training."
"Yeah…sure…" Renji mumbled, his mind spinning.
"Now…I think I told you to go back to the manor to see to our guests. The farewell breakfast will be starting soon."
Renji groaned.
"Damn it! I feel sick enough already. I hate the thought of being anywhere near food…and I dislike your relatives even more!"
"Would you rather I pushed myself and attended?" Byakuya asked softly.
"No," Renji muttered, "You rest and take care of yourself. Just…if you smell smoke, you'll know I lost it and blasted the lot of them with Zabimaru!"
The redhead dragged himself out of bed, started for the door, then stopped and grabbed his midsection and turned instead for the bathroom. He emerged several minutes later, looking pale, but somewhat relieved.
"Well…that's one less thing to make me feel sick. Now I just have to face your relatives…"
He stumbled towards the door and Byakuya's eyes followed him.
"Renji," he said as the redhead reached the door, "Arigato."
"Huh…" Renji huffed, "You'd better thank me…I'd rather face down your ban kai with nothing but my bare body than to spend another minute with those two-faced jerks…"
"Hmmm," mused the noble, "We'll try that tomorrow…"
XXXXXXXXXX
Byakuya watched Renji leave, then turned his head to look out the window. He looked back at the door again as it opened and Captain Unohana entered the room. She stopped and looked around for a moment.
"Where is Renji?" she asked, "I would have thought he would have wanted to be here for the results of your tests."
"Renji had to see to the duties I would have today," Byakuya explained, "I will see that he is informed."
"I'm not worried about the relay of information, but thought you would want to consider his thoughts as you decide what to do with what I will tell you."
"I take it then that the news is not good," Byakuya said calmly.
"The news is mixed," sighed the healer, "You will likely find it easy enough to conceive, but as you progress, the reiatsu will be less and less stable. You will encounter more serious side effects and have an increased risk of miscarrying…but also of dying, yourself. And if you try and fail, the next attempt will be more risky. As such, I do not recommend you attempt this. For your own safety…"
"Renji has said that he will reproduce with no one but me. And I know all too well the resolve of my life partner. If he is so determined that I, and no other, should carry his child, then I will have his child. You know that because of the special nature of our bonding, only the King's Samurai can have my child…and only his mate can bear his. The divine power that was seated in our ancestors was very specific. Renji cannot bear the next samurai. I must…He insists he will not mate with any but me."
"And yet," said the healer, in a soft voice, "I sense more to your decision than this."
"Are you accusing me of making an emotional decision?" Byakuya asked archly.
"I'm arguing that you are listening to your heart and not to reason. Make your decision as you will, but at very least be honest about why you are risking your life."
"Aren't duty and honor reasons enough to risk my life or even die in this attempt?" Byakuya asked.
"I do not want you to be mindful of your reasons for risking and dying. I want you to be in touch with those things that will make you want to live," said Unohana firmly, "To overcome the limits of this situation…the pressures on your body, you must connect with your desires…the ones that drive you to rise above the situation. Duty and honor will take you as far as dying, but desire and ambition will drive you to survive this. I will again advise against you attempting this…but if you are determined, then do not move forward until your resolve to survive is at its strongest."
"Captain Unohana," the noble said quietly, "I have opened my heart to love before…as did my wife. It wasn't enough to save her…and now duty and honor are all I have left."
The healer sighed.
"Take a friend's advice and look a bit harder," she said, blinking slowly, "and think carefully before moving forward."
"Arigato, Captain Unohana," Byakuya replied, lowering his eyes, "I will take your advice into consideration."
But it will not change my actions. I cannot give that man my heart…so I will give him this child. And if I die in the process, what need for worry will I have? I will never spend a day in this world knowing he is gone. I will take my leave of him quietly and will leave him with the only piece of myself I can give. It is the gift my mother gave to my father when she died giving birth to me. And I know the comfort I gave him, every day until death took him. I will not be the one left behind this time.
"Captain Kuchiki," the healer said, startling him out of his reverie.
Inexplicably, her palm touched his face and her eyes dove into his. He didn't intend to yield anything, but this, too, was a part of her unique ability.
"You have such sadness in you," she whispered, "The pathway to happiness is right in front of you, but you must move forward. You will never know the peace of moving on if you are always looking back."
"I do not want to move forward," he said softly, his eyes meeting hers squarely, "I never have…not since the day she died."
"But not because you have lost the desire. You only try to manage the losses. There have been too many…and the touches of love too few. You have a chance at truly being happy with Renji. Only give yourself a chance."
"I am not going to find happiness with Renji. He is a rough mannered, stubborn, undisciplined train wreck of a life partner. He has no respect for his responsibilities as part of a noble family. He couldn't care less about my family's pride. And the only thing I've felt since we were married is humiliation and annoyance."
Byakuya froze as he realized that the door had opened and Renji was standing in the doorway, staring at him with a disbelieving expression. He moved closer, still staring, his reiatsu flaring painfully.
"Why are you here?" Byakuya managed with forced calm.
Renji's lips tightened.
"Rukia and I had a few questions about those responsibilities that I have no respect for…"
Captain Unohana shook her head sadly and slipped out the door, leaving them alone. Renji stood just out of reach, glaring at him with an air of rising fury.
"Look," he said in a trembling voice, "I know I'm not high born, like you. I didn't grow up in a fucking noble home, so sure, I am a train wreck of a life partner for a guy like you. I don't have pretty manners and I sure as hell don't want to conform…and yeah, I despise your family…because they're a bunch of really wicked snobs. But I put up with all of that shit because I thought you were different. I thought that you looked at me differently…that you liked me the way I am…but it looks like that was just my wishful thinking."
No…no…you saw me correctly…and it terrified me. I only said those things to lie to myself so that I wouldn't…so that I wouldn't…love you. I can't fall in love with you. Love, for me has always been disastrous…
"I'd ask if you had anything to say, but I think you said all you needed to."
Why can't I just let it go?
Renji turned away and started out the door. Suddenly, Byakuya found himself on his feet and following, with nothing in mind to say and only desperation in his heart.
Why can't I let him walk away?
He heard the retreating footsteps and dragged himself towards the door, then collapsed just short of it, the fall forcing a wounded sob from somewhere that felt dangerously close to his heart.
"R-renji!"
He deserves better than this…better than some broken half-person who can't love him the way he should be loved. And I deserve to be alone. Even my own creator thinks so, or he wouldn't continue to take back every person I dared to love.
He allowed himself two tears to bleed off some of the pain, then struggled to get up. Failing that, he leaned back against the wall, wrapping his arms around his legs and burying his face in his arms. He remained there for several minutes, regaining his composure, then pushed himself to his feet, ignoring the immediate complaints from his body. He was more than used to ignoring the aches of his flesh…quite accustomed to shutting out the tremors of the heart. He used the sheer force of his mental discipline to push himself into flash steps and to make the too sterile environs of the healing center disappear. A senkaimon opened ahead of him and he flash stepped into it, blazing through the precipice world and exiting into the living world. He hadn't planned on going anywhere and he knew the level of power he used could not be maintained for very long. He touched down in a park along the river in Karakura Town and found his feet turning in a familiar direction. Kisuke Urahara's shop appeared before him and he was inside and sliding to a stop before he had time to consider what he would do next.
"You lost?" Kisuke said.
Then the shopkeeper did a doubletake, noting the thin, standard issue healing center yukata, the tumbled hair, fevered eyes, flushed cheeks and shaking legs.
"Kuchiki?" he said questioningly.
"Is Yoruichi…?"
Then everything caught up with him at once…the oddness of his choosing, the forced marriage and sexual joining, the stress of returning to the Seireitei and trying to manage his own affairs and the training of the King's Samurai, his failure to bring forth the next samurai heir…but shockingly, the pain from those things didn't come close to the self inflicted pain of realizing he was falling in love with Renji and then sabotaging that love before he could even feel its warmth.
Why couldn't I have died when Ichigo defeated me…when Gin's blade pierced my heart…or when the black demon struck? I endure through everything, but everyone around me dies…
The room had gone dark around him and Kisuke had disappeared into the blackness. Voices broke in now and then and he felt the human girl's power flare around him several times. He felt a touch he knew had to be Yoruichi's and several times, healing hands sent him into a deeper, more restorative sleep. He wasn't sure how long it had been when, at last, he was allowed to surface. As his eyes opened, they met the golden eyes of Yoruichi's cat form. His heart twinged painfully at the memory of a red and black tiger running alongside him, stalking him and taking him down in the soft dirt trail. His breath escaped in a pained sigh and the cat observed him reproachfully.
"Enough already," Yoruichi admonished him, "Whatever you did this time, just stop punishing yourself, will you? You came to me for help, ne? I can't do anything until you fully regain your senses."
He ignored the rebuke and sat up, then immediately regretted it as his head spun. The cat shifted to human form and he was too distracted to care that she was naked. She caught herself and quickly dressed, her eyes never leaving the dark, smoky ones that seemed barely to register her presence.
"Byakuya?"
He took a steadying breath and looked up at her. The cat-woman smiled at him.
"Well…thanks for acknowledging my existence," she said wryly, "Now, do you want to tell me what made you drag yourself here in such sorry shape and collapse on the floor of Kisuke's shop?"
"How long have I been here?" he asked, rubbing his eyes and coming more fully awake.
"A week…give or take a day," she said, unsurprised at his distraction, "You needed the rest so we put you out and let you recover. We knew better to expect you would listen if we told you to rest."
"Probably a wise decision."
"Probably?"
She studied him more closely.
"I was sorry to hear about your miscarriage."
And then it occurred to him…
If they examined me, then they have to know…
"Arigato…but it was understandable, considering my injury in the spirit dimension."
"Is that what brought you here?" Yoruichi asked, "Because while healing you, we did realize what damage the demon did to you. We had Orihime come several times to try to reject the damage. Unfortunately, because of the beast's resistance to other magics, it seems doubtful it changed your circumstances."
And I know better than to think it will remain a secret for long…
"Have you told Renji?"
She knows…about my circumstances, about what will happen if I cannot bear Renji's heir…probably everything I'm thinking…
"Renji isn't speaking to me."
Yoruichi nodded in understanding and Byakuya gave her a look of surprise.
"I know you…don't forget," she admonished him, "I know what you were like back then, Byakuya…and let me guess…you said something that you and he both thought was aimed at him…but in truth, it was aimed at you."
By kami, she's…right!
He closed his eyes against the thought.
"He's not the one you have a problem with."
I remember now…feeling that same restlessness…wanting to run wild, but being captured by them and dragged down…weighted and slowly strangled with responsibility. I hated it…every minute of it. I hated them for inflicting it on me. But after a while, I lost that fighting spirit…that righteous indignation at being brought down and forced to become like them. And now, it has been made my duty to do that same thing to Renji…
"You know that, don't you?"
He startled her by letting his head drop onto her shoulder, but stopped short of embracing her. She observed him carefully with the luminous, golden eyes and wrapped her arms around him instead.
"You need to talk to him," she said into his ear, "He came by twice asking if we had seen you, but you told Kisuke as you were losing consciousness that you didn't want anyone to know you were here. I think I know why you are running away from this…but you need to stop. You are tearing yourself and Renji apart…and it's not a time when either of you should be left to your own devices. It's only luck that you haven't removed any of the seals yet. As soon as you do that, you will be fully revealed and life here will be more dangerous for both of you. You can be sure there are those who would love to take down the young samurai and the next Royal Guard Captain before they have their power fully attained."
She is right in that estimation as well…
"Although…" Yoruichi said, eyeing him warily, "if you are deemed unfit to carry the heir, then you will have nothing to worry about. So…I have to ask. Are you going to use this to get out of your marriage to Renji?"
Everything depends on me not revealing my feelings for Renji…
He sighed resignedly.
"It would be an escape," he said softly.
Let her think that I am trying to escape because I don't love him. I don't want her to know the truth. She would figure out what I am going to do…and she would warn him…
"So…you don't love Renji?"
He met her eyes squarely.
"He is impossible."
What? That was like an admission! What's wrong with me? Why does everything come out wrong?
"Impossible?" the cat-woman repeated, smiling slyly, "I see."
"But it doesn't matter, Senpai," he said quietly, "He will have washed his hands of me. He might have even set the wheels in motion finding a new mate while I was gone."
"You don't believe that. You don't want that either."
His eyes softened.
"Since when does it matter what I want?" he asked, lowering his eyes, "I hurt him and I lost my chance. All that is left is to return and let the pieces fall around me."
He pulled free of her and leaned forward again to kiss her on the cheek, then climbed to his feet and started to leave.
"Wait."
He turned his head to look at her and noticed for the first time the kimono she was holding. It was one he had seen his father wear…when they had come together to the living world so that he could see humans up close for the first time.
"I didn't know you still had that," he said, blinking.
Yoruichi smiled and quickly dressed him, then stood back, admiring the warm, earthen colors.
"You favor Soujun," she said, nodding, "I never realized how much."
And I am about to become even more like him. I am about to bring a child into this world, only to then leave him by dying. But he will have Renji. It will be better that he never lays eyes on me…
XXXXXXXXXX
Renji sat quietly beneath a sakura tree next to the large waterfall, scenting the rain and feeling its first misting on his skin. He ignored it as the things he had heard echoed in his mind…
…uncivilized…
Such a strange looking man!
It's no wonder our cousin couldn't carry the child of such a beast…
But as bad as the others were, they couldn't hold a candle to Byakuya's own admission…
I am not going to find happiness with Renji. He is a rough mannered, stubborn, undisciplined train wreck of a life partner. He has no respect for his responsibilities as part of a noble family. He couldn't care less about my family's pride. And the only thing I've felt since we were married is humiliation and annoyance.
He was grateful for the rain beginning to fall harder. It hid the tears and the sound of it falling, drowned out his sounds of misery. He sobbed quietly into his arms, wondering if it was the pregnancy that made him feel everything so deeply.
"Renji…"
He wasn't sure when he looked up that what he was seeing wasn't a wishful fantasy. It was Byakuya…dressed in a simple, but beautiful earth colored kimono, with his long black hair hanging unbound and swirling in the wind. The dark eyes burned with pain and what looked like apology.
But that couldn't be…
Not after what he had said…
"Renji, I am sorry."
"Stop, Byakuya. I don't need you to apologize to me. I knew you didn't want to marry me from the very start. I guess…as things happened, I thought I felt something…but it wasn't real. It just wasn't meant to be."
Byakuya's eyes closed for a moment, then met his again.
"Then…you wish to be freed from me?" the noble asked.
"I don't want to be married to someone who can't love me," the redhead said, wiping rain and tears from his eyes, "and you said that you could never be happy with me…"
He was startled at the flash of pain in the dark eyes as Byakuya absorbed his words and nodded.
"I admit I said those words," he acknowledged, "and I do not expect you to forgive me for saying them…but even as you take your leave of me, let me tell you the truth behind them…because…those words were a lie."
"What?" Renji whispered.
"The truth is…that when I look at you…I remember what I once was like. Back before death stole my father…before duty and honor tied my hands…and family pride shattered my heart. When my father died, they couldn't wait to break me of my poor habits and tendencies, to force me to change to suit them. And as their words sank into me…I began to see the faults they pointed out…the willfulness, the stubbornness, the lack of interest in representing my family well in the eyes of the other clans. Under the force of their criticism, I began to hate myself. Then…I was the one who couldn't make a happy life with myself. I was rough mannered and stubborn…a train wreck of a noble heir…with no interest in family responsibility or pride. You see…I wasn't speaking about you when I said those things. It was only a way of concealing my own self-loathing. I don't dislike you. You are beautiful as you are…and I am completely undeserving of you. I hurt you unintentionally…and I am sorry."
Renji stared at him in disbelief. He froze as Byakuya stepped closer and brushed the sopping strands of wet hair out of his eyes. He cupped the redhead's cheek gently in one hand and placed a light kiss on his lips.
"I am truly sorry…and I will miss you when you leave. I will regret hurting you for the rest of my life."
Byakuya turned away and took a step, then was stopped by the warmth of a trembling hand gripping his arm.
"Don't go."