Remembering Winter
Chapter 10: Storm Of Realization
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I AM SO SORRY FOR THE EXTREEME LATENESS OF THIS CHAPTER!
-Hides- don't kill me, please! I made it extra extra extra-long for you, though!
I'm sorry! VERY sorry! I wont bore you with all these pathetic excuses I have, but I'm sorry! The chapter is here now! And I promise that during the summer, there will be a much faster speed with the updates, okay? I promise!
(Would it hurt if I said that I really had no idea how to write this chapter? Because I had no idea where to start... )
Anyway- this chapter is, too, depressing. That just seems to be the mood I've been in lately, too. So... here you go.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. I do, however, own quite a lot of Bleach merchandise. I'm bidding on plushies on Ebay as we speak, actually...
--
Droplets of water echoed on the roofs outside, sending Seiretei into hibernation. Plants graciously drank in the refreshing mist and in turn, flaunted their green leaves wildly in the calming downpour. Windows speckled with crystals glittering from the lights glowing inside. Hinamori sat on a cushion, looking out the window at the falling rain. A cup of tea sat beside her, and a patterned silk blanket draped over her lap, keeping her warm. Pressing her hand against the cool glass of the window, she drew it back and watched the misty outline of her hand slowly fade away as the cold air outside claimed the pane of glass once more. Sighing, she turned her head sideways to the white-haired captain seated at his desk, scribbling his signature on form after form of hollow records. His emerald eyes focused intently on the sheets of paper seemed weary to Hinamori, who hadn't done a sheet of paperwork for a long time, and had offered to help him- but was told that she needed her rest.
I've been out of the hospital for almost three months now... I think I can handle just a little bit of paperwork. After all, Isn't he taking over for my division while I'm still recovering? Not to mention his own paperwork?
Briefly, she glanced around the room. Matsumoto was nowhere in sight. Spending her day off drinking with Hisagi, Kira, and Renji, no doubt. Not to say that when she wasn't drinking she was any help. She just had an excuse this time, instead of bolting for the door the moment "paperwork" came out of her captain's mouth.
"Ano..." she spoke softly, simply to grab his attention. She still wasn't quite sure what to address him as. 'Hitsugaya-Taicho' just didn't feel right... but she was scolded for calling him 'Hitsugaya'... so she tried to refrain from actually using a name at all when talking to him.
Hitsugaya looked up from his paper and across the room to where she was moving to get up. "What is it? What's wrong?" He said in a harsh voice with a hint of un-noticeable panic.
"Well," she started, walking across the floor with her blanket draped around her shoulders and trailing on the ground behind her until she stood in front of his desk, "I was wondering if I could help you with your paperwork. You have been working for hours... and you still have quite a bit left. It would go by much faster if we did it together." she offered him a sweet smile.
"No." he said sharply as he turned back to his pile of paperwork, signing a sheet and placing it gently in a pile before sliding a fresh one off of the pile that had yet to be read through.
"But, I've been out of the hospital for quite some time. I think that I can handle getting back in the swing of things a little..."
"No." He spoke sharply, not even bothering to look up at her. "Unohana-Taicho said that for your best interest, you should not bother yourself with work."
"But its not a bother at all! I would gladly help you!" She spoke louder, getting frustrated at his stubbornness. He was always acting like this. It seemed like he never once listened to anything she had to say, and on the rare occasion that it seemed like he heard her, he would shoot down all of her opinions. She began to wonder how someone so stubborn and difficult could possibly have been her best friend...
Sighing a frustrated breath, she turned sharply around to face the windows again, attempting to keep her raging anger under control. She knew that she really wouldn't have minded if he was worrying about her wellbeing, but after three months? She was defiantly well enough to handle signing her signature at the bottom of reports. And with all honesty, it didn't seem like he cared about her at all. He barely even looked at her for God's sake. They had never really held an actual conversation for as long as she had been staying with him, and it always seemed that he would make up some excuse to get out of the office and away from her.
Not that she cared.
Of course she didn't.
That would be... be... completely irrational.
Oh hell, who am I kidding? She groaned. Yes, she hated his existence. She hated those icy eyes, that white hair, those hands that never stopped working... she hated them all. But she truly hated those icy eyes because they never locked with her ruby ones. She truly hated that pure white hair because the snowy spikes tempted her to run her fingers madly through them. And, she truly hated those hands because they spent all their time working when she wanted them to run wild all over her skin...
What is wrong with me? I hate him. I hate everything about him more than anyone else for locking me in this prison. So why? Why do I have these completely irrational emotions that never go away?
She stood there, her back to him, fuming. Tearing her mind apart for an answer that she knew was there, but was unable to detect.
"Hinamori?" A cold voice called from behind her.
Turning her head sideways, she glanced over her shoulder at the captain seated at his desk, who was now looking at her. "Yes?" she murmured.
Sighing, he rolled his eyes slightly. "Can you move to somewhere other than in front of my desk, please? You are blocking the light, and it's making finishing my work difficult."
Slowly, Hinamori turned her head away from him. Heat began to radiate from her body, as she gently let the silk blanket slide off of her arms and she too-calmly folded it in her hands, smoothing out all the creases. Forcing herself not to snap.
--
Hitsugaya sat at the desk, looking coldly at her back, waiting for her to move aside. He had sheets upon sheets that were due tomorrow, and he didn't have time for this. It was bad enough that she had to stay with him through her recovery, but also that she would not leave him alone. Ever. Normally, he wouldn't have minded her frequent company, or her helping hand with paperwork. But... it was just too painful to look into her eyes and see how much she had changed. It used to be that when her deep eyes looked into his, it seemed as though she could look into the very depths of his soul. Now, when those very same eyes connected with his own, there was nothing. Just... a void that could never be filled.
"Hinamori Fuku-Taicho." he spoke clearly, his eyes still glaring into her back. "Please do as you are asked."
Her back twitched as her shoulders straightened in fury. Glancing over her shoulder, she avoided looking at him directly and averted her eyes to the wall beside his desk instead. "Of course, please forgive me, Hitsugaya-Taicho." She said clearly and icily as she turned her head forward once more and stepped lightly away from the front of his desk, towards the center of the room.
'Hitsugaya-Taicho' Hitsugaya traced her words over and over again in his mind. She actually said his name correctly.
He was surprised when, as she spoke those words, that instead of feeling a sense of great pride in her acknowledgment of his captain status, he actually felt a great stab of pain. He finally realized that when her memories withered away, so did a whole part of him- the part Hinamori had opened up. And now, it was gone. Forever.
And that- infuriated him.
Forcedly, he stood up, sending his chair crashing into the wall behind him. Stopping in her tracks, Hinamori jerked her head in the direction of the crash, and caught sight of a panting Hitsugaya leaning over his desk like a panther about to attack her.
What right does she have to be angry with me? I wasn't the one who forgot her pure existence, after all.
Hitsugaya's palms were pressed against the top of his wooden desk, supporting him. As thoughts of her forgetting him ran through his head, ice spread out from his fingertips and cracked along the desk, forming icicles along the edge.
--
At seeing that, Hinamori's own anger flared.
What right does he have to be angry with me? I didn't purposely forget him- I didn't choose it. And at this rate- I'm happy I did. Why would I even put up with someone this stubborn and cold?
Her silk blanket was thrown across the room, hit a wall, and slid down until it pooled on the floor. Neither of them noticed. Hitsugaya was leaning over his desk, his emerald eyes glowing turquoise as more ice crackled across the floor. Hinamori stood on the other side of the room, arms crossed. Ruby eyes glowing from the raging fire deep within, sheets of paper on the coffee table next to her curled up and withered in the intense heat radiating from her skin. Her breath became heavy pants as pure anger streamed through her veins.
They stood silently, leaning towards each other at the ready to attack, glaring. Ice cracked over half the room, while heat wavered on the other side, curling papers littered around.
Who does he think he is? Hinamori asked herself. How can he be this way to me- I thought he was my best friend before I lost my memory. Matsumoto even told me that I was in love with him... she was clearly wrong.
Her fists clenched at her side.
"Who..." she spoke in a voice laced with anger, "... Who do you think you are?"
Hitsugaya arched a brow at her. "What do you mean? Have you forgotten that again?" he finished harshly sarcastic.
Hinamori let out the breath that she had been holding in an antagonizing scream as she clasped her hands to her face, shaking in anger.
"How dare you...!" She quivered out, her voice lethal as she tore her hands away from her face, fingers spread out at her sides as If ready to charge a kido at him any second.
At the sound of her deadly voice, the growing flame inside Hitsugaya raged. His hands seized into tight fists, and pushing himself off the desk, he harshly sent all the items sitting on his desk flying to the floor with one swipe of his arm. A ceramic cup broke into pieces when it met the floor, sending the pens it held inside everywhere. His half-finished tea splashed against a wall and papers slowly danced over the cemetery of broken items until they settled. Hinamori's eyes followed the movement before jerking her shocked eyes back up to the panting Hitsugaya and taking a step back from his terrifying form, now crouched over the cleared desk once again.
He arched a brow threateningly in her direction, as If he thought of her weak.
Tears rimmed Hinamori's burning eyes. "Do you think you are the only one who has ever been hurt?! I lost my memories. Memories of things that were once important to me. Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore!" Her shaky voice turned into a shattering yell on the last sentence as her angry tears spilled down her face. "And I thought you above all people might understand me, might help me figure out who I was.. but I can see I was wrong. Everyone was wrong... there's no way that I could have ever been friends with you, let alone love you."
She inhaled a shaky breath as more tears spilled down her face before continuing in a near-whisper voice.
"Loosing my memories of you was the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Outside, the rain fell harder, and thunder rampaged through the swollen clouds.
Inside, aching silence settled around the office, piercing through the ears of those inside.
--
Hitsugaya's anger faded, leaving a dullness behind. His eyes sank back to their usual calm emerald and his hands loosened the grip on his desk. He just blankly stared at the petite woman across the room, who's eyes had not lifted from the ground.
He said nothing. She said nothing.
Breathing became difficult, and Hitsugaya forced all of his concentration on simply inhaling and exhaling in a calm, steady rate. He couldn't think. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak.
What was this feeling that buried itself deep inside him? It wasn't anger, or sadness, but a dulling numbness that slowly spread through his body, leaving him limp and exposed. It wrapped it's icy fingers around his heart which fought to keep beating steady.
It hurt. Like nothing had ever hurt before.
Even when she turned on him and hated him for false reasons. Even when he found her lying dead, slain by the one she trusted. Even when she looked him in the eyes and could not recall who he was to her...
Nothing hurt like this. Nothing hurt more than being unwanted, unneeded.
Especially by the one person who meant the world to him.
Hinamori nervously licked her lips as she looked up, but avoided his eyes.
"I... I'm-"
"-Don't." Hitsugaya cut her off sharply. She looked to his eyes with tears in her own, her brow furrowed in surprise. "... Don't." he said again. Calmer, in a barely audible whisper.
--
He stood up straight from his leaning position on his desk and walked around the side, heading to his room. Hinamori's looked down and worried her hands as he walked past her, tears threatening to pour down her face.
Pausing as he reached the door separating his office and quarters he didn't bother to look at her as he muttered in his captain-tone, "I will speak with Unohana-Taicho immediately tomorrow morning to discuss your recovery and how soon you might be able to back to your division. If you are still not recovered enough, she will see to another place more suitable for you to stay. Is that alright with you?"
Why ask me? You'll do what you want with me, anyway. She couldn't help but think to herself. Instead she bowed her head slightly as she muttered out a small word of agreement.
"Yes. I think that might be best for the both of us."
He nodded once, then walked into his living quarters, slamming the door behind him. Hinamori's eyes half-heartedly followed the sharp movement before clasping shut in pain. Things had gotten a bit out of control.
Sighing, she let herself fall to the couch behind her and draped herself over the soft cushions. Did I really mean it? That I was happy I had lost my memories of him...?
That was the only thought that trickled through her head. Did she really hate him that much? Did she really hate him at all?
No, of course she didn't hate him.
He really had supported her, in his own ways. He always kept an eye out for her, and was beside her as much as he could. Never treating her like a child, he gave her freedoms, but also made sure that she was safe and not over-working herself.
All things that she took as trying to keep her as far away from him emotionally as possible, trying to degrade her. Brining a hand up to rub her forehead, she felt tears begin to trail down her face like the raindrops gliding down the window behind her. Why did she feel this way? Like she had control over nothing in her life? It was difficult to explain to anyone, but it felt as though the words she spoke were already out of her mouth when the thought came to speak them. Her actions- the same. She almost felt as though she was someone's pawn, being controlled across the board, in position to take down the queen.
Shaking her head and wiping her tears away from her face she sat upright and glanced around the room. Papers were strewn all over. Partly from complete organization, and partly from Hitsugaya's terrifying burst of anger. Pushing herself off the couch and tiptoe-ing over to the mess on the floor of objects that were once neatly organized on Hitsugaya's desk, she knelt down next to them and gently picked the sheets of paperwork from the pool of tea with still-shaking hands. He had terrified her. She had seldom seen him show any sort of emotion... and the one she received was anger. Pure and lethal, devastating anger that made her feel sick to her stomach. Of course, she had probably deserved it, after what she had said to him.
Once the last paper was rescued from the liquid, she stood up and laid the papers out of his desk to dry overnight. They would be a little wrinkled in the morning, but they would still be in a better condition then the paperwork from Kyōraku-Taicho. Sighing, she glanced at the rest of the mess on the floor and decided to leave that until morning.
Hinamori turned away from the desk and took a few steps towards her quarters when a bright flash of lightning followed by a ground-shaking clap of thunder stopped her in her tracks, petrified.
Releasing the breath she had been holding, she took shaky steps to her room.
I can't stand thunderstorms... especially at night... I wonder if I'll be able to sleep at all tonight...
--
Hitsugaya sat down on the edge of his futon in his room and listened to the stormy night rage as thoughts and emotions inside of him were worse than the severe storm outside. Indescribable feelings tore him apart at the seams, emotions he had never felt before. His body fought desperately for every breath, for every heartbeat...
That proved it: Hinamori was killing him.
Well, not purposely. She couldn't kill me if she tried. She has tried, in fact...
With a breath of laughter, Hitsugaya kicked off his shoes and leaned back on his futon, sinking into the soft cushions. A flash of lightning lit up the room for a fraction of a second, before dying out and returning the room to it's pitch-black state. He didn't even flinch as a stream of heavy thunder crackled through the clouds.
Isn't Hinamori absolutely terrified of storms? He wondered, recalling the many times in their childhood that he awoke to her climbing in to bed with him, shivering in fear. He would always let her under the blankets with him and she would nestle her face in his chest. It never took long for her to fall asleep after that, her heavy breathing warm and steady on his chest. But, he would never sleep after that. He felt as though he had to protect her from whatever frightened her. As though she trusted him as her personal knight in shining armor. He didn't intend to slip from that position.
But, he had. Unintentionally.
Sighing he decided he should just fall asleep and get this night over with. In the morning he would have Hinamori moved out of his quarters and his life could become much less stressful. Not having to stand in her presence every second of every day... It would be quite a relief. He hadn't gotten too attached or too close to her- so it would be easy to move on from this.
Slowly, he sat upright and stripped himself of his captain's haori, layers of shirts, and tabi. Now, in just his hakama, his other clothes thrown in a heap on the floor, he pulled back the blue silk blankets on his futon and burrowed beneath them. The coolness of the sheets felt good against his bare chest and he was instantly lulled into a submissive calmness. Rain pattered against the windows lining his room, and lightning flashed in through the sheer curtains as thunder growled in the heavens. It was all a calming lullaby for him, drawing him closer and closer to the blissful unconsciousness he desired and needed.
He wasn't sure how long he had been asleep until he was awoken by his bedroom door bursting open, followed by a clap of thunder outside, and a small, frightened squeak from the doorway. Abruptly, he shot upright and with a reflex, reached out for his sword before a flash of lightning that illuminated the room stopped him.
In his doorway, was a petite woman, dressed In a sleeping robe of the purest white and the purest silk. Her long hair framed her face in messy but gentle waves that cascaded past her shoulders.
"Hina... mori?" Hitsugaya murmured sleepily into the darkness.
"Um, I'm- I'm sorry, Hitsugaya-Taicho! I don't know what made me... made me barge in here like this, and I'm terribly sorry! I'll go back to my quarters now! I'm sorry!" She spilled out as fast as she could, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her robe and her head bowed. Quickly, she turned around and nearly darted from the room.
"Hinamori Fuku-Taicho. Come here, please." Hitsugaya said to her near-running form.
She froze in the doorway and slowly turned around and walked hesitantly towards him, head still bowed, in fear of her punishment.
Hinamori stopped walking a few feet before the foot of his bed, and Hitsugaya kicked his feet over the side of his bed and looked over at her.
"It's okay." he said so softly she was shocked and lifted her head up to make sure that it really was Hitsugaya's room she had barged into. His hand was held out to her, beckoning her to come closer. She glanced at the hand and then at his face. Both were fairly fuzzy in the darkness of the room, and she figured she was hardly visible at all to him. Swallowing hard, she gently and hesitantly took a small step forward, followed by another.
His emerald eyes followed every step, closer to his still-outstretched hand. A foot or so away from his hand, the padding of her feet on the wood floor stopped. She looked at his hand, and then lifted her head to look at his face.
Hitsugaya gave her a half-hearted smile as he concentrated on her tear-stained face.
Slowly, she lifted her shaking hand from her side and clutched it in a loose fist at the center of her chest, looking at his hand as though there was a possibility it might eat her. Gently, her hand pulled away from her chest and in a hesitant motion, and stretched out, inches away from Hitsugaya's. He was about to give up and draw his hand back, making the difficult decision for her, when he felt the satin skin of her hand softly glide into his own. A subtle tremor started from where her warm hand rested on his, and darted up his arm before spreading it's warmth through his whole body.
It was the first time he had touched her since... since... well, it had been an awfully long time. He had forgotten how electrifying her touch was, how it woke up all of his senses and yet, spread a thick calmness through his whole body. Lifting his eyes away from their hands, he looked up to her face just as she did the same, clearly looking as though she felt the exact same soothing quiver that he felt. A few more tears caressed her cheekbones as they made their way down to her jawbone.
"I-I'm sorry, I don't know w-why I came here... like I did..." She whispered in a strained and quivery voice.
Rain pattered against the windows in a tranquil state, keeping the deafening silence's long fingers from tearing the pair's hands apart in the dark room.
"I do." Hitsugaya murmured calmly, "I know why you're here."
Lips parted, prepared to say something but paused, not knowing what to say. Hinamori glanced away, to the window, confusion's wings fluttering through her mind. Hitsugaya watched her battle her mind for an answer that was there, that had always been there and always would be. He hated seeing her like this, tearing her mind apart for the most obvious answers. Gently, he tightened his grip around her hand briefly as if to tell her that it didn't matter, that she should just relax. Instantly, Hinamori turned her face away from the window and offered him a small smile as she tightened her own hold.
"Arigato." she murmured.
Just then, a blazing flare of lightning filled the room and escaped just in time for a roar of thunder to force it's way in through the walls, causing the whole room to tremble in it's wake. Hinamori let out a shrieking gasp and clutched his hand in both of her own and held it close to the center of her chest, more tears springing from her winced eyes that were covered with strands of auburn hair. Her whole body was slightly bent over, quivering.
Hitsugaya stood up in front of her and lifted her head up with his free hand. Her tear stained face greeted him with shivering lips and melted ruby eyes.
"Come here." he murmured.
The words had barely left his mouth as another flash of lightning filled the room and Hinamori leapt into his arms. Her face pressed against the bare skin of his shoulder as her arms wrapped around his neck. Shocked for a moment, Hitsugaya wasn't sure what to do. As he felt her arms pull him closer, he wrapped his own soothingly around her waist and gently ran his hands up and down her back. Her body shook in his embrace and he felt her warm tears spill out onto his bare skin. Long minutes passed by uncounted, unnumbered. Slowly, her body melted in to his, relaxing. The tears stopped flowing, and the shivering tremors that ran through her form died down.
Sighing weakly, Hinamori slowly pushed away from his comforting embrace.
"I'm sorry... I-" she quietly murmured out before Hitsugaya pressed a finger to her rambling lips.
"I believe I already said everything was okay. Do you intend to make me keep repeating myself?"
"N-no. Of course not."
"Good." he said as he sat down on the edge of his futon once more. Hinamori stood a little ways in front of him, her hands clasped together, and her eyes examining the floor at her feet.
"Hinamori." Hitsugaya called out to her. Her face lifted to his direction to see him patting the cushion next to him, signaling for her to sit next to him. She obliged.
"Are you alright?" he murmured a few moments after she sat down and folded her hands neatly in her lap.
She licked her lips nervously as her hands began to quiver again. "I-I'm fine. I guess I just let my fear take over. It's childish, I know." she finished with an embarrassed laugh.
"No, It's not childish. We all have something that frightens us and pushes us to the extreme." He said out loud, but had his face turned away from her, facing the wall in front of him instead.
"Even Kuchiki-Taicho?" She asked like a curious child. Hitsugaya couldn't hold back a chuckle.
"Yes, even Kuchiki-Taicho. At the moment- I think what keeps him awake at night is the thought of becoming Kurosaki's father-in law."
Hinamori laughed, it was too true.
"What about Yamamoto-Sōtaichō?" She continued.
"Of course."
"What about Zaraki-Taicho?"
"Umm... well that one I'm not so sure of... But he's hardly considered human anyway."
"What about you, Hitsugaya-Taicho?" The childish tone had left her voice.
Pausing, Hitsugaya couldn't think of a way to answer. Was this a trick question?
"What makes you think that I don't have anything to be afraid of, Hinamori Fuku-Taicho?" He asked her with a smirk.
"Well... I don't know. I guess you just seem like nothing can faze you." She said quietly.
Hitsugaya regarded her for a moment before turning his head back to the wall, staring straight ahead. Nothing can faze me, huh?
"Nothing?" He questioned her out of the corner of his eye.
"... Nothing." She replied softly.
So thats how she sees me then. As some emotionless... thing. I guess I can't blame her.
Hitsugaya was ripped from his thoughts as another crash of thunder caused Hinamori to give out a small cry next to him. Her rands automatically reached out and grabbed a strong hold on his arm as a stray tear strode down her face.
"...It's okay, I'm here." he murmured as she turned her face to his. Gently, he wiped the shimmering tear from her face and gave her a small half-smile in return.
Her ruby eyes grew big and watery at his touch and he was afraid he had stepped over a boundary and had frightened her. Instead of pushing him away, however, she smiled sweetly at him and pressed her cheek into the coolness of his hand.
After a moment or two, Hitsugaya drew his hand back from her face and let it drop lifelessly in his lap, still wanting more of the warmth only her skin could give. Her eyes followed the movement and concentrated on his hand, silently debating what to say.
After a few moments of slightly opening and closing her mouth, followed by a bit of lip-chewing she took a deep breath and kept her focus on his hand, avoiding his shimmering eyes.
"Ne, Hitsugaya-Taicho..." She started, her lips trembling. "I-Is it alright if I... if I stay here, with you, for the night. I... I don't think I'll be able to sleep at all if I'm alone..."
Hitsugaya could feel her face burning up from where he sat, and he had to force down a bubble of laughter that had formed in his chest. Never once, out of all the times she had felt the need to crawl under his covers and snuggle up to him, had she ever asked permission. Of course, this time the circumstances were a bit different... but still, it just seemed unnecessary. Not to mention awkward.
"Hinamori Fuku-Tacho. Look at me." He said with a hint of sharpness that caused her to tremble next to him as she slowly lifted her bright red face to his. "If you ever, and I mean ever, ask me that again..." He paused and regarded her figure, slouched over in embarrassment and ashame, and lowered his tone in to a desire-filled whisper as he lifted her chin up with his index finger, "...I'll have to wonder if you truly know me at all."
She seemed taken aback at his answer, her wide eyes told him she was still unsure of what he was telling her.
"Hinamori," he continued in a soft voice laced with compassion and care, "If you need me, I will be there. Wherever. Whenever... I promise."
Still-wide eyes melted into ruby pools as Hinamori fought diamond tears that formed within them. For a moment she struggled with the right words to say, and Hitsugaya let her before placing a hand on her shoulder.
"It's okay." he said with a small smile that she somehow knew was only for her. "Now, you had better get some sleep, ne?"
She gave a slight nod as Hitsugaya scooted to the other side of the futon an lied down, signaling that the opposite side was all hers. Gently, she slid under the covers and stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling. Hitsugaya's back was to her and she tried to keep her eyes closed but the cracks of thunder and lightning that had been blurred out for awhile kept her body un-relaxed and on alert. All she needed was his voice, and only his voice, telling her everything was okay... and that he was here for her. That would be all. But, as she glanced over at his sculpted back, rising and falling in steady breaths, she didn't want to wake him up... again. Rolling over on her stomach, she pressed her face into the satin pillow which helped... but she found it quite difficult to breathe. Giving up, she turned on her side, her back facing his back, eyes wide open to the blank darkness, only wincing when a flash or crash startled the silence. Pressing her eyes shut so hard it hurt, she covered her ears with her hands and curled up into a tight ball, trying to exclude any sound or light from getting to her. Trembling, she felt fresh tears squeeze out of her eyes and drip onto the pillow against her face. Silently, she wished the night would just end...
"Hinamori...?" A gentle voice shattered the darkness. "Hinamori...? Are you alright...?"
Slowly, she opened her weak eyes and let her hands fall from her ears, body relaxing in the voice that ran through her blood.
Reaching out, Hitsugaya turned her face towards him and caught sight of glistening tears dripping sideways down her cheeks. Her body, still trembling ached for comfort.
"Hinamori... why didn't you say anything?" He murmured in a disgusted voice, but his brow was furrowed in worry.
"I...I didn't want to... to w-wake you..." she stuttered out in reply, eyes glancing away from the ones that pierced.
Before she could say another word, she heard a sigh from Hitsugaya and she felt herself being picked up. A warm chest pressed against her cheek and she felt a hand supporting her back, and another beneath her knees.
Hitsugaya held her frail body close for a moment before leaning back against the wall against his futon. Tenderly, he set her down on his lap, her side to his chest and both her legs stretched out nearly to the side of the futon. Wrapping an arm around her back and another resting on her legs he brought her delicate body closer to his own. For a moment, Hinamori's body remained stiff, but did not fight his arms that enclosed her. Though, soon enough her body melted into his. He felt her warm cheek, still damp from passing tears, press against his bare chest and her whole body yield to his. A hand pressed against his chest and the other wrapped itself around his back. A sigh escaped from Hinamori's lips as her eyes slowly shut and her breathing soon grew heavily steady.
All Hitsugaya could do was watch her sleeping form rise and fall with each breath. Auburn hair dripped across her face and was tenderly brushed away by his hand. She trusted him to keep her save, and he didn't want to loose that trust. He wasn't tired, and even If he was, he knew he wouldn't sleep. Never did, never will. Not when Hinamori was in his arms. Actually, not even when she was nearby. The first few nights she was staying with him, he never slept. All he would do was lie there, ears waiting for her to need him. She never did. A while later, he began to sleep. Not much, but he still slept. He was often awakened by dreams of her. Dreams of the past, dreams of the present, and dreams of the future. Most common, being the past. He would constantly re-live the day of Aizen's betrayal in his mind. It was the hardest one to get over, seeing her over and over in a pool of her own crimson blood, lifeless and cold. Each time he woke up from that dream in a cold sweat, he would instantly run to her door- just to make sure she was still there, still alive, still with him. He would stand in her doorway for awhile, fighting the aching need to go and hold her in his arms, to have her comforting eyes shower his tear-streaked face. It killed him a little more inside each time... knowing that he needed her so much, with the feeling far from mutual. At the same time, though, it gave him the strength to not become close, to not intentionally hurt himself over and over. To not bring himself suicide. If she didn't need him, he didn't need her. That's what he told himself every time she tried to sneak her way through his walls. If she did... he knew it would only end in pain- for the both of them. Closeness was no longer an option.
Looking down at her in his arms, tears silently slid down his face and were brushed away before they could drip onto her sleeping form. What am I going to do? He asked himself.
With one step into his room, she had broken through every wall he had put up.
With one tear that slid down her face, she had made him look at her, talk to her.
With one touch of her hand, she had made him fall in love with her.
He had never stopped loving her, he knew that. Yet, he denied it with all of his heart. How could he love someone who was happy she had forgotten him?
A large lump formed in his throat that became difficult to breathe around.
"Loosing my memories of you was the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Her words replayed themselves in his mind;
"Loosing my memories of you was the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Over and over;
"Loosing my memories of you was the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Over and over;
"Loosing my memories of you was the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Over and over. Each time, they hurt just the same as they had the first time they escaped her lips. They cut, slit, and slashed him until he bled, scarring him forever. His breathing became frantic and shallow, he was loosing himself, his control. The pain... the antagonizing pain spread through his body and he felt an icy atmosphere fill the room. He was ready to escape the room that was closing in around him and run... run anywhere far from where he was... but the weakest of sighs froze all of his emotions in place. There she was. The center of his world, the center of his pain- in his arms. Her warm body pressing against his even more than before seeking warmth from the cold that was swirling around the room now. Instantly, he calmed, his body relaxing.
Tears of hurt and pain still glided from his eyes as he looked down at her peacefully in his arms. It was as though nothing had ever happened between them, as though everything was how it used to be.
But... it wasn't.
Even if she could somehow remember it all... he was still the piece that wouldn't fit. Pain had deformed everything he used to be to her. Not that it matters anymore. She is, after all, happy she no longer knows who I am. He inhaled a sharp gasp of pain. Hearing it hurt, but admitting it killed. But, it was just a fact that he had to face. She no longer needed him as he needed her, and that was that. There was nothing he could do about it.
Well, there was one thing he could do. Only one.
Looking down at the girl in his arms, pressed against his chest, he knew what he should do.
But, can I actually do it?
Tears silently slipped down his face all night as he held her fragile body close to his, asking himself the question over and over in his head.
The stormy night slipped past quickly in the mind of the sleeping Hinamori who, for the first time in a long time, slept soundly. Hitsugaya held her close all night, protecting her from nightmares and fears. He didn't sleep, he barely even blinked. All night he simply stared at the beauty of the girl in his arms... and how he wished he could see it every single day of his life, wishing he had more time, more nights, to receive a chance to protect her. The thunder and lightning stopped in the middle of the night, and the rain slowed down to a stop once dawn was on the way.
Dawn...
Sighing wearily, Hitsugaya let Hinamori slip from his arms so she was no longer on his lap. Her beautiful hair spread over the pillow her head rested on and he faintly brushed a few stray hairs away that had swept across her cheek. Simply standing over her for a moment, his eyes traced her face, free of all interrupting emotion... just a delicate calm. His emerald eyes traced over it all, memorizing her beautiful face... her beautiful self. The sun had just barely started to hurry the black night sky away, leaving the sky in a calming blue, awaiting the sun's arrival into the vast heavens. Soft light trickled in through the windows and danced on Hinamori's silky white skin, setting it aglow as if she were an angel.
She was an angel. His angel.
Fighting the tears that had formed once more, he pressed his hand against her warm face. Subconsciously, she pressed her face into the coolness of his hand, letting a small smile bloom on her pouting lips.
"Oh Hinamori..." he whispered into the darkness, going nowhere with the words, but just wanting to hear her name light the room.
Looking outside once more, the sky had started it's watercolor display before sunrise... It was time.
Soothingly, he took his hand away from her cheek, pulled on his robes, and softly walked out of the room, and into his office. Two hell butterflies entered the room and he gave a message to each of them; one for Unohana-Taicho, the other for Yamamoto-Sōtaichō. He paced the room for what seemed like hundreds of times before the twin butterflies returned, bearing messages for him. Both messages said for him to meet with them. He was to go to Unohana's squad first, and then to see Yamamoto. Letting the butterflies go, he softly walked back into his room where the sleeping Hinamori rested. As gently as he could, he wrapped a blanket around her and lifted her light body into his arms.
The air outside was cool and refreshing. Droplets of water leftover from the downpour traced their way along rooftops until they dripped down to the ground. Blades of grass bore dewdrops and glistened in the awakening sky like tiny emeralds. It was a gorgeous morning, one that Hitsugaya would normally enjoy spending outside in the cool air- still calm and undisturbed. But this morning... was different. The falling drops of water turned into tears- falling randomly and uncontrolled. The glistening emeralds teased him in the glistening light- their freedom far superior to his own. Even the awakening sky was different to him now; its bright colors filling the sky only reminded him that inside... he had everlasting night. Everlasting blackness.
He paused outside the fourth division's doors.
This is really it... this is me... giving up. Giving up forever. Looking down at the still-sleeping girl he tightened his hold... because he knew it would be the last time. It would be the last time he got to gaze upon her face, the last time he would be with her.
He was still left with so much more to say when the doors before him opened. A sympathetic smile from Unohana welcomed him as she stood aside for him to walk inside. It was all a blur to Hitsugaya... all he could think of was Hinamori... and what was best for her, not what was best for him. Somehow, his legs had carried him down the hall and into a room next to Unohana's office.
Hinamori... I wish I had more time... to tell you why...
"Hitsugaya-Taicho?" a sharp voice cut through his daze.
His eyes jerked up to her, but his face stayed focused on Hinamori.
"Are... are you sure this is what you want to do?"
For a moment he stood still before closing his eyes wearily and nodding.
Unohana regarded the pair: the sleeping Hinamori, burying herself into Hitsugaya's embrace... and the beaten and worn Hitsugaya... not even sure what to do with himself anymore.
"alright..." Unohana murmured. "I need to go and get a few things... so you can place her on the bed over there and you may have a moment with her."
Hitsugaya nodded meekly and Unohana slipped from the room and shut the door behind her. Walking over to the bed, he laid her body on the soft cushion, the warmth fading from his arms instantly. He stood next to the bed, not sure what to say. Not sure what to even do... only wishing that the people you want the most... want you just the same.
Swallowing hard, he figured he owed her an explanation.
"Hello Hinamori..." he spoke softly to her dreaming ears. "I bet you wonder what you are doing in this place again. And why I'm here. I guess I owe you an explanation, ne? ... I just want to tell you how amazing you are, and how lucky I was to be able to spend some of my life by your side. You made me who I am... you changed me for the better... and I thank you for that every day. I guess I'm just sorry that I still wasn't who you wanted me to be. I wish I could have been. I wish every day that I was strong enough to be the one for you. Strong enough to protect you when you need it most. I failed you in so many ways, and I suppose this is what I deserve. But you don't deserve to feel pain like you have been... so... so I'll take it. All of it. All I want is for you to be happy in whatever you do. As long as you are happy I can go on living. I will never, ever forget you, Hinamori... you will always be the one... Goodbye..."
Tears had silently slipped down his face while he talked, and his voice choked on the last word. Turning away from her, he pressed his hands against his face to get control of himself. It hurt... It hurt too much. Will I really be able to surv-
A warm hand gently rested on his arm. "Hitsugaya...?" a voice followed.
Hitsugaya spun around to find Hinamori awake and looking at him with a confused look. "What were you talking about, Hitsugaya? Whats going on?"
"Hinamori... I... How much did you...?" he stuttered out, his heart threatening to beat out of his chest.
"I... I heard you tell me that all you wanted was for me to be happy... and that I'll always be the one... " Her voice was soft, but sad. "and then... goodbye. Where are you going?! Whats going on?" her voice grew frantic as Unohana entered the room.
Hinamori turned to Unohana. "Unohana-Taicho! What is going on?!"
Unohana only looked sadly at Hinamori. "I'm sorry, Hinamori..."
Hinamori frantically looked from Hitsugaya to Unohana. "Will someone please tell me why I am here?! And what is going on?!"
Unohana looked at Hitsugaya, who had turned his focus on the window, and then back to the sobbing and desperate Hinamori. It wasn't easy for either one of them... and for one of them, it never will be.
"Hinamori... we are erasing your memories... of the past few months."
Hinamori's eyes faded as she consumed the words. "The... the past few months...? But... but I've only been awake for a few months..."
"Yes... we are erasing those of Hitsugaya-Taicho..."
Hinamori looked to Hitsugaya who still had his attention on the window.
"Hitsu... gaya...? How... why...?" she stuttered out around her tears.
"I'm sorry, Hinamori." Hitsugaya replied solemnly to the window.
"I don't understand... why are you doing this...?! why?!"
"It's the only thing I can do, Hinamori. You don't deserve to have this pain. You deserve all the happiness in the world. And that... doesn't include me."
"This is because of what I said last night, isn't it? Isn't it?! I didn't mean it, Hitsugaya! I was... I was angry! Please... please don't do this!" She sobbed out, her voice echoing through the room.
"No..." he murmured as his bloodshot eyes turned to her, "Last night only helped me realize that... that this is the only thing I can do to keep protecting you. To keep you safe and... and happy."
"Don't say that...! Don't do this! I don't want to loose my memories again! I don't want to... please...!" she begged. "Not of you, I want to keep my memories of you!"
Hitsugaya only stared at her, with the same weak expression that had clung to his face the whole time.
"Don't you understand?" she continued in her frantic tone, "That just because you erase my memories... you won't go away. I'll still see you all the time! There's no point in erasing them... there isn't! Because... because we'll just make more memories! Are you going to erase them, too, then?! Are you going to keep... keep playing with me like this?!"
Hitsugaya's eyes fell to the ground. "I don't like doing this, Hinamori. But... but I have to."
"Why? Why do you have to do this?"
"Because... because I can't let myself get attached to you again, I can't let myself hope that maybe... just maybe we could be how we used to. ... I'll only end up hurting us both. We will never be that way again... "
Hinamori looked at him through watery eyes. He looked so weak; as if someone would push him and he would collapse. "Please..." she whispered.
He only shook his head. "Hinamori... I'm sorry... But, please trust me; this is what you need, it will help you. You wont hurt anymore."
"And you? What will it do to you?"
He looked into her eyes. "It will kill me."
Tears poured down her face as she leapt up from the bed and flung her arms around his neck, pulling him close. "Then... then don't do it... "
Hitsugaya gently placed his hands on her hips and pulled her arms off from around his neck. He sat her down on the bed again and walked towards the door.
"Hitsugaya! Don't do this... please! Please!" she screamed to him from where she was restrained by Unohana's arms. "Please! Please don't leave me! I... I need you...!" she sobbed.
Hitsugaya paused at the door and looked back at her. "I wish that were true." he murmured, "but I'm not the one you need. I never was. But, I always have... and always will... need you more than anyone or anything... and I'm sorry, Hinamori... I'm sorry that this had to be done to you... just because of me."
"Hitsugaya... don't say that!" she pleaded as tears poured down her face uncontrollably.
"I don't know when, or if, I will see you again... so, goodbye, Hinamori... "
A deadly silence filled the room as Hinamori's eyes widened in fear and realization.
"You... You're leaving...?" She asked weakly... even though she already knew the answer.
"... Yes. I am."
"Where? Where are you going?!" Her tone rose to a delirious level once more.
"It doesn't matter." he murmured out. "Hinamori... please, you will be happy. And that's all I need to survive. Just as long as you are still lighting up the world with your beautiful smile... and just as long as I know that... I will survive." He grasped a hold of the door frame in fear that his legs would give out from under him. "All that is important to me is that you are safe and happy. Even If I am no part of that. You are... the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. And... and you deserve much more than what I can give you. I'm sorry. And... and goodbye... Momo." He stood and stared at her angelic face for the last time, interrupted by strands of crystal tears pouring out of her eyes for... for him, and he turned from the room, away from the sight of her, but he could still hear her frantic screams chasing him down the hall.
Leaning up against the wall outside her room, he waited for her be subdued so he could sign the paperwork for the memory erasing. Digging his hands into his pockets he was surprised to feel something cool greet his fingertips. Curiosity got the best of him and he pulled out the small object. It was a small crystal, very smooth to the touch. Half was ice, the other half fire. It had happened by accident one day when he and Hinamori were training in Shikai. They had set off an attack at exactly the same time, and each one was canceled out; the ice melted by the fire, and the fire killed by the ice. All that was left of the attack was the small crystal, the compression of their spiritual powers together. Half was deep turquoise, the other side as red as a ruby. Hitsugaya had snatched it up before Hinamori could and she had constantly begged him to let her have it- he never did. He loved to look at it- to see how they fit together perfectly... as though they were meant to be side-by-side...
His eyes widened as his heart fell.
In one swift motion, he pushed himself off the wall and ran as fast as he could to the room he had just left. "Wait!" he shouted into the room as he threw the door open just in time to see Unohana draw a needle from Hinamori's limp arm.
-- Author's Note--
Dun-dun-dunnn.
Wow. I am finally done.
FINALLY.
You have no idea how good that feels. Really. Well, anyway- I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I had quite a bit of fun writing it, however, it did get a bit long. I guess I just couldn't find the right place to stop.
Well, I found it.
Suckers.
Okay, well, wow, Fourteen pages. Of drama. this is about double my longest one... so, I feel accomplished. D The music for this chapter was by Andrewlandon, and I even used a few quotes from his poetry in there. So, thank you Andrewlandon. -bows-
and thank YOU for reading my baby. Hahaha. I hope you liked it!
If you have any questions or anything, don't hesitate to hit that review button!
And again, I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO sorry for the lateness... it really is inexcusable.