Chapter 9- Weight in the bucket part one

"Does she think that she's the only person in the fucking world that cares about her!?!?!"

"Uhh…who are we talking about here?"

"Paige!" Ellie huffed.

"Paige and who? Please don't tell me Alex…"

Ellie shot her friend a look. "Michelle, Manny. Michelle."

"Oh! Wait, what happened?"

"Well…I went to Jay's and pretty much apologized for taking off all those years ago-"

"It was six years ago Ellie. It wasn't all those years ago," Manny broke in softly. "Trust me, we all still remember."

Ellie stayed quiet for a minute while looking at her former best friend but Manny shook her off.

"Don't go there Nash. Mushy doesn't suit you. So you went there and….?"

"Well first off, Michelle looks freakishly like Emma you know that?" Ellie asked with her wide eyes as Manny laughed. "No I'm serious! Looks like her mother with her fathers attitude. Somehow I guess it fits. But anyway, Paige and Alex came over in the morning which is apparently routine. By the way, they're getting married. And Jay and Alex left to take her to school and Paige got all bitchy on me!"

"They're getting married?!!" Manny clapped her hands.

Ellie took a breath to respond but paused as she realized what Manny was talking about. "Oh, yeah. But she started saying crap to me like not to get involved with her niece and how Jay is her brother now and all that shit. Seriously, I wasn't afraid of her in school, I'm not afraid of her now," Ellie said defiantly as she leaned back into the couch.

Manny watched her for a minute to make sure she was really done this time and took a breath.

"Well…I mean can you blame her?"

"What?"

"No El, I'm totally happy you're back! But Paige and Jay have gotten uber close in the past years because she's been dating Alex who is practically like Jay's family. So I mean yeah…she's going to be a little protective," she shrugged.

"A little!?"

"Ok. Or a lot."

"She still didn't need to get up in my face about it," Ellie grumbled.

"Well it's Paige. Some things never go away," Manny said offhand. "So…where's that loser boyfriend of yours?"

"Excuse me?" Ellie looked confused.

"Craig? Dated Ashley, then me, then me and Ashley, then Ashley, then had a breakdown, then me and apparently you after some time. Nice to break that cycle he had going…"

Ellie rolled her eyes. "What did Craig love?"

"Guitars. Oh and music."

"Alright then," Ellie said as she toyed with her red hair which she wore long and straight.

"Oh wow. That really sucks El. I'm sorry," Manny made a face.

"Hey, you win some, you lose some right?"

"Or in Craig's case, you lose and you lose and you lose…and when he leaves, you win."

"Manny!"

"It's true!! Did I look happy when he was fucking around with me?!"

Ellie rolled her eyes but stayed silent.

"Thank you!"

"Well what about you?! Who do you have hiding around here?"

Manny just grinned and held up her left hand that had two rings on it.

"YOU'RE MARRIED?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Three years," Manny said proudly.

"Oh my God!!!! To who!?!?"

"Oh you wouldn't believe me if I told you," she laughed as she heard a car door shut.

Ellie stood up and move towards the door to see a slender young looking man heading towards the door with something in his arms.

"Hey," he said as he walked in, not looking around.

"TO HIM!?!?!?!?!"

Manny just started to laugh as the man jumped a mile and looked to his left and his face sagged when he saw who it was.

"Jesus Ellie!! Are you trying to kill me?!"

Ellie said nothing as her mouth was still hanging open unattractively.

"Hey there baby," Manny said softly as she went over to her husband and took the bundle from his arms.

"Careful…"

Manny slowly laid it down and started to unravel the cloth from around it to reveal a sleeping baby boy and Ellie's eyes grew huge.

"Dear Ellie, you look stupid. Love, me," the man said as he ribbed her and dropped his coat on the kitchen chair.

"Does Jay know about this?" was the first thing she got out.

"He was kind of in our wedding. Michelle was the flower girl and Spike walked her down the aisle…"

"Oh my God…" she shook her head as she sat down.

"You wanna meet our son?"

Ellie nodded wordlessly as Manny sat down next to her.

"Ellie, meet our son; Jacob Timothy Yorke."

"I know some girls that would like to date you, you know."

Jay shot a look at his friend and ate some more of the pizza that was in front of him.

"What are you getting at?"

"I'm just saying, maybe you should see what's out there…"

"Manny," he sighed.

"Look Jay, I totally get what you're doing and I respect it. Lord knows I do. But it's been six years…"

"And?" he took a sip of beer.

"Well…you deserve to be happy you know?"

"I am happy Manny. The only girl in my life is the one that matters and I am madly in love with her."

"Yeah too bad she's six huh?"

"Minor detail Santos."

"Are you ever going to refer to me as Yorke?" she cocked her head.

"Nope. I'm set in my ways."

"You were in our wedding!!!"

"I didn't sign a waiver saying I had to stop calling you Santos. Besides…that just feels…weird. If I call you that, I'm going to think I'm talking to JT only with longer hair and a better body," he muttered.

"Jayson Hogart, are you checking me out?" she chided.

He laughed. "Yep. All these years I've secretly been holding out for you. Since you got married all I've done is cried myself to sleep at night actually. But it feels good to get it out in the open."

Manny played around with the uneaten crust on her plate and refused to make eye contact. "I know that you're still hung up on her Jay but you can't do this to yourself forever."

"I'm fine Manny…"

"Oh really? No dreams lately?"

He paused. "How did-"

"Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't talk to Alex or Paige? They hear you talking Jay. Talking to Emma…sometimes you yell. You need to…"

"Let go? Is that what I need to do Manny?" he glowered at her.

"That's not fair Jay. You need to be happy and you're hanging to her like she's going to come back!"

"She's dead Manny. I know she is. I've been to her grave enough times to realize that she's not coming back and if she does…well then I better run for it because apparently zombies are real ok?"

"Nice Jay. Nice," she said softly.

"What do you want from me?!" he half yelled. "I'm not going to just pick up and forget everything that happened. Every time I look at my daughter all I see is Emma, she looks just like her for Christ's sake!! And it doesn't help that Michelle wants to see what she looked like now too, that's a real fun time in the Hogart household, let me tell you. I'm glad that you're happy and you found someone, even if it is JT. I'm not you. I can't do that," he said slowly.

"Can't do what? Forget? Is that what you think I've done?" her voice rising slightly.

He shook his head. "Forget it Manny. I'm not doing this right now."

"I haven't you know. I've known her for a lot longer than you have. She was my family long before she was part of yours! Every day I sit on my bed and I talk to her ok Jay, every damn day. And every day I pray that you'll find some rest because you won't let her go. She was my best friend, my sister and I really do love what you're doing because of the fact you still love her…but you are so tired and everyone can see it. Emma wouldn't want this from you Jay…"

"Manny," he said softly, not meeting her eyes.

"I'm serious! She sees how you are now and I know that she would be so proud of you, just like we all are. She would love who you became and how you care for that little girl like she's your whole world. She would love you Jay…she still does. And I know you still love her and you always will but-"

"Manny!!" he yelled at her.

She finally looked up to see his blue eyes bright with tears. "I get it ok?" he said hoarsely as he got up.

"Where are you going?"

In typical Jay fashion she got no answer, just a back walking away.

Ellie sat and stared at the night sky as she exhaled the smoke from her cigarette. The autumn leaves fell to the ground and she shivered slightly, but not much. She sighed as she looked around and then leaned back against the stone; it was her first time being at this place and she unsure of what to do or what to say. How exactly does one talk to a dead friend?

"Hey Em…" she started. She thought a minute and then shook her head ruefully. There would be no planning out, it would be better if she just talked without thinking. It would sound fake if she thought it out anyway. "So I saw your girl the other day; let me tell you how beautiful she looks huh? You and Jay definitely make a good looking child," she laughed softly. "But it's a good thing she looks like you because she has Jay's attitude problems. I just want to come back Emma. I never should have left in the first place. I shouldn't have left your family when they needed help, I shouldn't have left my friends…I shouldn't have followed Craig like I did. The stupid thing is that I don't even know what I was hoping for with all that! I mean in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't last, I'm not naïve you know? Plus if I left, I wouldn't have to see reminders of you everywhere. I wouldn't have to walk past your old locker anymore, I wouldn't have to see Jay with the baby and miss you. But I never stopped Emma, you have to believe that. I know that I'm not like Manny who talks to you daily…" she sighed. "What am I doing?" she mumbled.

"Hey El," a male voice said softly to the side of her and she jumped in spite of herself.

"Jay!"

He smiled a small smile at her and sat down across from her. "What are you doing here?"

She shrugged. "I figured it was time to pay my dues you know? I never came to see her grave in the first place. I skipped out on the burial."

Jay nodded silently while he started tracing Emma's name with his fingers gently. "I miss her."

"I know."

The two adults sat in silence for a while, each thinking of their own things, soaking in different things.

"Are you happy?" Ellie finally asked after a while.

"Happy how?" he asked softly.

"Happy. Content, satisfied. All that jazz."

He thought for a minute before closing his eyes and saying what he knew he had to do. "I need to let her go."

"What?"

"I need to let her go," he said opening his eyes this time. "For the past six years I've been holding on to her and her memory and just shutting everyone else out. I haven't even thought of dating anyone. And people keep telling me that I should get back out there but…"

"You can't."

He looked at her and smiled a crooked smile.

"I get it Jay. But you're right. You need to let her go. She's not going to come back and I mean…she knows you love her. Can I say that I'm surprised that for six years you've held on to her?"

He chuckled as he played with some loose grass but didn't meet her eye.

"You've changed Jay. You're not that delinquent kid anymore that got suspended for a yellow paint incident anymore; you're this man that cares so much for his daughter and is making a life for himself. The way that you put Michelle in front of yourself…" she sighed. "You've turned out to be someone that Emma would be proud of," she said softly looking at Jay.

He raised his head slowly and met her eyes and nodded. "I know."

She smiled at him as she got up. "Alright well I'll leave you alone. Is it ok if I crash on your couch again?" she asked as she dusted the grass from her butt.

"Yeah I don't care. Oh and Ellie," he paused as he threw her pack of cigarettes to her. "Smoking will kill you."

"I'm sorry are you telling me this?" she shot him a look. "Jay Hogart, in other words the chain smoker himself?"

"Well it's hard to keep that up when Paige teaches your daughter to flush your cigarettes down the toilet now isn't it?"

Ellie laughed but Jay just scowled. "Yeah it was really funny, let me tell you. That was three years ago and if I want one now…I have to be creative about it. I wouldn't put it past them to go through my underwear."

"Only girls hide things there," Ellie called out as she started to leave.
Jay just smiled and shook his head as he looked back at the place he frequented often.

"Hey Em. So I've been thinking…people keep telling me to let you go. To get back out there and date someone. And…I'm starting to think that they're right. I love you baby, I always will," he said softly as he started to get up. "I'll see you later Emma," he said as he looked up at the sky.

a/n: soooo jay never got expelled, he was just suspended for the whole rick thing (which i know i didn't really touch upon in Beautiful Disaster). and can you tell that i don't care much for craig?? lol. ...BlackRoseOnFire- i hope i cleared up some of the whole paige being a bitch to ellie thing a little bit. ...Tammywammy-yeah when i read your review i noticed that i didn't put manny in her lately soooo here you go:)