Chapter Ten: The Truth About One Night Stands
I didn't know why I was nervous. I shouldn't be nervous. I had no fucking reason to be nervous. I was supposed to happy, ecstatic in fact. It was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I had a new diamond ring on my finger, I should want to wave my hand around in the air and show everyone I saw.
To say I was surprised by Walsh's proposal the night before was a bit of an understatement. We had just gotten on solid ground. I was finally starting to feel a connection again. I had worked so hard to get everything back to normal but I sure didn't see that coming.
Even though his knee hadn't officially hit the snow covered ground (he didn't want to get it wet he said) his question had been straightforward. So when I saw him in front of me, my boyfriend of many years, asking me to spend the rest of my life with him I said yes. I even convinced myself to not feel guilty about how fucked up our relationship had been. We had went over his sister's house whom I loved and been thrown a mini-engagement party. I was happy. Wasn't I?
However, the next morning early on Christmas Eve when I walked into work I didn't feel the elation, I didn't feel the happiness. I felt nervous. How was I going to tell Killian? Why should it even matter? I grew angry with myself. Why did I always have to ruin everything? Why couldn't I just let myself be happy? Why the fuck did it matter what Killian thought? Why did I want him to care? Was I really that messed up?
I spent the first few hours of my shift quietly working the service desk. I usually loved working Christmas Eve, but this year I couldn't get the unsettled feeling out of my stomach. It wasn't caused by the awkwardness of working with August anymore since he had enlisted in the Navy and was long gone, it was because of the conversation I knew I had to have with Killian.
He was with Milah, we were just friends, it didn't matter what he thought. I kept telling myself these things.
About ten-thirty Killian walked up to the desk, it usually took him a few hours to wake up in the morning so we usually didn't exchange too many words before ten. Once he was fully awake and ready to talk he always came to find me.
"How's it going?" He asked taking his normal place standing opposite of me with the service desk between us.
"Good," I answered with a smile.
"What's going on?" He asked, he always did know how to read me so damn well.
I paused for a moment and then decided to rip the band aid off the impending conversation.
"Walsh proposed to me last night." I said showing him my hand that contained my diamond.
He looked down at the ring and then back up at my face.
"Congratulations," he said appearing to be sincere. I don't know what I expected. Him to be mad? Him to tell me not to marry him? Him to storm off in a fit of rage? I was being insane and I knew it. It didn't matter to him that I was engaged I don't know why I was stupid enough to think it would and selfish enough to want it to.
We carried on the rest of the day as normal, however I couldn't help but sense the slight awkwardness between us. Killian didn't bring it up again, he didn't ask for details about the proposal or the future wedding, we actually didn't exchange another word about the whole ordeal. The day moved on as did time.
I woke up the next morning surprisingly not hung over just tired. I ate breakfast with Graham and Eric and maintained a light conversation about the day's upcoming events with them. Mental however my mind was wandering. Would Killian remember the conversation we had last night? Would he ignore me for the rest of the trip? Would he pretend nothing happened? Would he acknowledge something did happen? What the hell did I want him to do? Every single time I had fantasized about Killian (and I'll admit there had been a few) I never saw past the initial hookup. That sounds terrible to say but I never saw the reality of him leaving Milah for me. I never saw me actually breaking up my engagement with Walsh.
I saw him in passing a couple times in the morning but he was always conversing with someone else. A couple hours into classes we were on a quick break before the next session started when I heard his voice behind me.
"For the record, I remember the entire conversation we had last night." He said lowly behind me. I turned around and smiled. We held each other's grin for a moment before we got directed into the next session.
The rest of the day went smoothly. I tried to pay attention in the classes I really did but I couldn't help but mentally sort through the night before in my head, overanalyzing every word exchanged between the two of us and wondering how it was all affecting him. Was I being crazy? He probably wasn't even thinking about me during these classes. What had I gotten myself into?
Day turned into night and I didn't get any one on one time with Killian. That night was the big awards ceremony honoring the many successes and individuals who helped contribute immensely to the successful year we had in sales and growth. It was quite impressive to see the thousands of people sitting in the enormous room all working towards the same goals.
After the awards it was time for the reception (aka the drinks). I was surprised when Killian called me to meet up again. I couldn't believe after all the words that we had exchanged the night before and all the confessions we had made that he would still want to spend time with me.
I met up with Killian and a group of other managers from our region again. I was having a great time. I wasn't spending any of this night with a random drunk guy who was hitting on me, I was with my friends and my crush of years. Killian was drinking his beers much quicker and I knew there was no way I would be able to keep up with out ending up on the floor or making a complete ass out of myself so I kept a slower pace. I was enjoying getting to know other people from my region. People in our company were easy to talk to, we had many of the same struggles and issues so it was nice to vent to others.
The reception came to an end and we decided to go to the bar inside the hotel again. Killian was much more intoxicated tonight then he had been last night, therefore he was much more entertaining.
Killian and I are walking side by side into the bar when we spot Jeff from the night before.
Jeff had texted me a few times throughout the day but I hadn't responded.
"Let's fuck with this guy, let's make your boyfriend jealous" Killian said in my ear as we were walking.
Killian put his arm around me and lead me towards the dance floor which was in full swing already. I saw him maintain eye contact with Jeff as we walked by. I know Killian was just being buzzed and wanting to have a little fun but Killian and I weren't the type of friends who put their arms around each other. Being so close to him was extremely stressful because my nerves immediately stood on end, yet it felt natural between the two of us. I knew this was a contradiction but it was the truth. It was also stressful because having his arm around me made me want to live in the moment and throw everything else out the window. It made me not want to think about my career or my engagement, it made me just want to enjoy the closeness of him. All of which I knew was wrong.
Sure enough Jeff stormed away from us and Killian laughed. He kept his arm around me for a moment longer before we stopped on the edge of the dance floor where the rest of our friends were.
Just then the Cupid Shuffle comes on. Now I love to dance and I really love the Cupid Shuffle so I looked at Killian and nodded my head towards the dance floor. He nods his head in agreement and follows me to the dance floor.
"You must be drunk if you agreed to dance with me." I say to him as I start to show him the moves slowly.
"I'm not drunk, I'm just living in the moment and enjoying my life." He replies looking intensely at me.
I was having a blast, I was relaxed and enjoying myself for the first time in a long time. I didn't feel like anyone was judging me and I was dancing to one of my favorite songs. Killian maintained his distance but remained next to me the entire song. Once the song ended he excused himself to go to the bathroom.
As I walked off the dance floor I saw my friend Hap. He immediately walks up to me.
"Hey girl looking good," he says flirtatiously. He always joked around flirting with me, I knew it was harmless.
"How are you doing? No new victims?" I tease him.
"Not yet, are you offering?" He asked and although he knew I wouldn't accept, I'm sure he would make a move if I told him I was interested.
I laugh in return and send him a smile when a beer appears in front of my face.
"Drink up little girl," Killian says teasingly to me however his eyes are focused on Hap and his face maintains a serious expression. Hap and Killian were never friends but had always gotten along in the past. I see them lock eyes before Hap turns his attention back to me.
"Have fun Emma," he says with a wink before sauntering off no doubt looking for a woman who wasn't already occupied for the evening.
"Thanks," I say to Killian and take a long swig out of my beer. I couldn't help but feel like he had somehow claimed his territory with Hap. This thought thrilled and confused me.
The next hour passed quickly as we returned to our group of friends and soon the bar was closing. I turned towards the exit and Killian starts walking next to me again, he places his hand on my back and helps guide me out of the bar.
He then leans over and whispers, "I almost grabbed your ass."
I couldn't help but feel turned on by the comment but I forced myself to remain under control. He was clearly at least semi-intoxicated and last time he got drunk he suggested a threesome with me. Just because he was flirtatious with me when he drank didn't mean a damn thing in reality.
As we exit the bar everyone once again went their separate ways just like the night before. Killian says he wants to smoke before going to his room so we end up outside together.
"It's the curiosity that is the killer." Killian says once we are alone outside. It cool out now but not cold. It feels good on my skin after sweating inside the bar and on the dance floor.
"What do you mean?" I ask already pretty sure I knew the answer.
"Because I would love to see where this would go. You and me. How we would work. I think we would work well. We have such a strong emotional and physical connection. It's obvious to everyone, it always has been and I really don't care." He replies confirming everything I've been feeling.
"True, our chemistry is undeniable." I respond.
"I adore you Emma, I really do and if things were different…" He trails off.
"I know…but they aren't." I say stating the truth that we both know. Things weren't different. I had a fiancé and a wedding in three months and he had a girlfriend and a life outside of work. A life that didn't involve me. We had both built lives with different people. We had bought houses and made plans. Our connection was never intended to interfere with that. Just because we connected at a deep level didn't mean we were supposed to completely destroy the last eight years we had built in different relationships.
"Come on I'll walk you to your elevator." Killian says putting out his cigarette and opening the door for me. I couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding as we walked down the hall together. We had said so much to each other over the past few days. How was I supposed to move on now? I felt good about our conversation, great in fact but what was the point of it?
As we approached my elevator I turned towards Killian and smiled.
"I had a blast the last few days Emma," he says sincerely.
"Me too." I agree wholeheartedly.
"No regrets?" He asks.
"No regrets." I confirm.
He leans forward and wraps both arms around me. I close my eyes and allow myself to enjoy his embrace. It's the first two armed hug he had ever given me. And yes I was crazy to know and acknowledge that fact, however it was still true.
I inhale his manly yet sexy smell before he pulls away. I see a swarm of emotions in his eyes as I step in the elevator.
"Good night." I say before the door closes.
The doors close and a weight of emotions crush me. I take my phone out of my pocket and texted Ruby, not knowing how to put my feelings into words I simply text: Oh fuck.
I felt frustrated and confused as the elevator rose to my floor. I couldn't help but start playing multiple 'what-if' situations in my head. Every endearing comment replayed through my head as I walked down the hall towards my room. I felt like this was my last chance to speak freely with Killian. We were going home tomorrow, back to reality. Back to Milah. Back to Walsh.
I unlock the door to my room and find my roommate passed out in bed. I knew I needed to drink some water if I didn't want to pay in the morning. I was nowhere near drunk but had certainly indulged in a quite a few beers. I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed Walsh. I had barely spoken to him the past two days, which I found odd. His phone went to voicemail. It appeared that the water in our room my roommate had drank so I was now waterless. I decided that this would be important to tell Killian so I texted him: Damnit I need water and I have none.
My phone rings and I'm surprised to find it's Killian not Walsh.
"Hello," I say and step into the hallway not wanting to wake up my roommate.
"You know you could always drink water from the faucet." He cheekily says on the other end of the phone.
I smile, "This is true but I want a bottle of water. I bet you have some. I'll just come to your room." I say making an innocent sounding suggestion however I knew a comment like that wasn't innocent between us.
"I don't think that's a good idea." Killian says.
"Why not? I'm just thirsty." I reply.
"Because Emma, I'm pretty sure you already know that I want to fuck the shit out of you. Hell if you came to my room now there wouldn't be enough hours for me to properly fuck you before class in the morning. However us having a one night stand wouldn't do either of us any good. We wouldn't be able to handle the guilt and the repercussions of sleeping together while we are both in relationships. Plus, one night would never be enough for me with you. So what good would one night do for either one of us? We would completely fuck both of our lives up for one night. Not saying it wouldn't be an amazing night because I have no doubt that it would be. However one night would never be enough." Killian says finally throwing everything on the line.
"I know, trust me I know you are right but this is it for me Killian. Next time we are here I will be married. This is the only time we will be alone before I am married. And I know that I probably couldn't go through with it and neither could you because it's not right but I can't help but think that this is our last opportunity. Nothing will be the same between us after I get married." I confess voicing all the fucked up emotions that were going on inside my head.
"If I didn't have morals I would in a second. But also like I said it's different with you and I, it couldn't just be one night. It would be one then two then four then eight and so on." Killian replies.
"I'll just come over and we can have a friendly sleepover then." I say trying to lighten the mood.
"You really think we could have a friendly sleepover?" Killian asks before adding, "because I don't have enough self-control and I don't think you do either."
I sigh out loud because I know he's right. My emotions are all a mess but I knew he was right.
"I'm sorry Killian, I really am." I say feeling bad for further complicating the situation and not just being able to let it go like we needed to.
"It's not that I don't want to, because I do, and don't apologize you didn't do anything wrong." He replies.
"Maybe one day when we are in our forties it'll just happen." He adds. That thought gives me hope but depresses me at the same time. We had come so far in a couple days. I felt that the last few days were anticlimactic now, however I knew Killian was right.
"Alright seeing as it's four in the morning and we have to be at class at seven, I suppose I will let you go." I say.
"Hey now, no regrets Emma. I don't regret a single moment of this weekend. Being able to come here and have fun with you and express our feelings to one another has been amazing. Don't go overanalyzing and beating yourself up about the situation. I feel good about us." He says again predicting me very well.
I agree and then we say our goodnights.
As I hang up the phone and head back into my room I don't think about the fact that my fiancé has been missing all night. I can't help but think that somehow me and Killian's opportunity had just passed us by.
Alright I know it's been a while, pretty intense chapter again! We are at the end of our two lovebirds time away together. What happens next when they are back to reality? Stay tuned! Also let me know what you think! I LOVE all the reviews, follows and favorites!