Author's Note:
Okay first. Darren. Broadway. Hedwig. My mind is still spinning and I am still breathless and god I can't wait.
Alright. So this episode really threw me. I had a very hard time with Kurt. So please forgive me if certain parts of this chapter don't meet my usual standards. I did my best and bowtiesandboatshoes said it's good enough :-)
A note on Friday: Pamela Anderson does not exist for me. Blaine's parents will stay his parents. I am grateful to have been able to get to the final 5 episodes with my backstory still firmly in place. Just like with Cooper, I will likely rewrite. I'm sure you won't mind ;)
Love you all!
Dave stood in the bedroom and watched Blaine walk out the door. His suitcase lay on his bed, half full along with his foolish hopes and unrealistic expectations. He knew Blaine loved Kurt. He'd always known Blaine loved Kurt. The way his eyes lit up whenever the man's name was uttered was a sure tell.
And yet Dave had stayed. No, he hadn't just stayed. He'd jumped in. He'd embraced Blaine. He'd knowingly and willingly joined him for the ride because getting a chance to be even a little part of that was exciting for him. Maybe it was his point of transition from childhood to adulthood. Maybe it was his way of letting go of the past. Maybe it was his way of looking for real forgiveness from Kurt in some strange, vicarious, transactional way.
Dave unpacked his bag. He put his clothes back in the drawer and put the suitcase away. He grabbed himself a beer from the fridge and the remote from the couch and he sat back to watch a game.
Blaine found him that way when he returned from the party at Will's. There was an empty bottle of beer on the table and one half full in Dave's hand and Dave looked up at him, a small smile on his face.
"Hi," Blaine said, shocked into place by the sight. But Dave didn't miss the tiny grin that played at his lips. "I didn't expect you to be here."
Dave knew that. And it warmed his heart that even so, Blaine had returned home alone. "I shouldn't have flown off the handle like I did," he said, flashing a sheepish grin. "I guess I'm not very good with jealousy."
Blaine let out a breath. And he closed the door and curled himself up on the couch next to Dave. "You shouldn't be jealous," he said and it was the truth. "I mean I get why you are-"
"We'd be crazy to let anything Sue Sylvester does decide the course of our lives," Dave said. "And I was wrong, to judge you and make rash decisions based on a kiss that she forced."
Blaine rested his head on Dave's shoulder and Dave pulled him back against his chest. He gently kissed his boyfriend atop his head. "Let's just forget it and move on," Blaine said. "Kurt has. I have." Blaine was quiet a minute and Dave just held him. "I'm glad you're still here. I didn't…I'm glad you didn't leave like that."
Dave held him close, just breathing him in while he could. He was glad he hadn't left like that too. Blaine deserved a better goodbye.
"Kurt! Hey Kurt?" Kurt stopped in the middle of the McKinley High hallway, turning back to see Sam jogging toward him. "Hey dude, did you hear that Rachel's house was sold?"
Kurt looked at Sam curiously. "Um, no. I hadn't. Why do you know before me?"
"Oh well…" Kurt wondered why Sam looked guilty. "She was talking about it in the teacher's lounge-"
Kurt rolled his eyes and started back off to the choir room again. "I don't know how you two go in there honestly," he said. "Feels like stepping into enemy territory."
"You know you're a teacher now, right Kurt?" Sam said. Kurt stopped and stared at him, that scary stare that made everyone shrink away. "Okay, anyway, I was thinking that we should throw Rachel a party at her old house, kind of a going away party except the house is the one going away, not Rachel, but you know what I mean."
Kurt's scary look tempered. "I think that's actually a good idea."
"Great!" Sam said. "So I was gonna ask everyone to meet in the classroom later today. Is it okay if I invite Blaine?"
"Sure," Kurt said far too quickly. "Why wouldn't it be okay for you to invite Blaine? I mean, it's not like he's not here every day anyway."
Sam narrowed his eyes. Sometimes it was hard to tell whether Kurt was serious or joking. "Okay then," he answered carefully. "So I'll meet you there at 5 after Glee and football?"
"Sounds like a plan," Kurt said. And as Sam walked away, Kurt took a breath and sighed. And then he started hatching his own plan. Because if he couldn't escape Blaine being around, he ought to at least make it fun.
It had been Kurt's ideas for the duets.
It had been Artie's idea for the wheel. Kurt spun it, testing it out.
"So what do you think?" Artie asked everyone, a proud grin on his face.
"I think it's great," Kurt said as he sized it up. The order of the names. The weight of each spoke. The pressure it took to just tip it over the edge.
Blaine barreled into the room with the police tape he'd charmed from the Westerville police station. Kurt quickly took his finger from the wheel.
"Here," Blaine said as he tossed the tape to Sam. "No alcohol. We're teachers, we can't be seen as serving alcohol to minors."
"You're a spoil sport Blaine," Sam said.
"Okay, so we need to figure out what the lesson of the week is going to be," Kurt said. "How about Growing Up?"
Blaine wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "No, all I can think about is Peter Pan and I know it's your favorite Kurt," he added quickly before Kurt could get out the words on the tip of his tongue, "but I don't think it's quite what we have in mind."
"How about metamorphosis?" Mercedes suggested.
Artie immediately started singing.
I've been so wrapped up in my warm cocoon
But something's happening, things are changing soon
I'm pushing the edge, feeling it crack
And once I get out, there's no turning back
Watching the butterfly go towards the sun
I wonder what I will become
Metamorphosis
"It scares me that you know Hilary Duff," Sam muttered.
"And apparently you do too," Artie snapped back.
"I have a little sister, what's you're excuse?"
"I think it's a good idea," Blaine shrugged, putting a halt to the argument. "You could all do Rolling Stones?"
"I don't think this group is much into Rolling Stones," Kurt said pointedly.
"How about transitioning?" Sam suggested. They all looked up at him. "You know, like Coach Beiste? And the rest of us too, we're all kind of in this place of change? This is like, Rachel's transition."
Kurt looked at Blaine out of the corner of his eye and smiled. "I think it's perfect," he said.
"So I was thinking of maybe Count on Me? Bruno Mars?" Kurt suggested, holding his tablet with his playlist while he tucked his phone under his ear.
"Actually," Blaine said carefully. "I was looking at Betty Who. Somebody Loves You."
"Oh," Kurt answered and he hoped his voice wasn't really as breathless as it sounded in his head. "Isn't that a little, I don't know, romantic?"
"I don't think it has to be," Blaine said. "We could think of it as a little love letter to Rachel Berry."
Kurt laughed. "Well, that would be just perfect, wouldn't it? The second coming of the Rachel Berry House Party Extravaganza and you're singing a love song to Rachel?"
Blaine laughed too. "Wouldn't it have been funny if she'd actually somehow doctored that bottle to point at me?" he suggested, far too innocently. "You know, just slightly tipped it over the edge when no was looking?"
Kurt's breath hitched and he was extremely glad that Blaine couldn't see him. "Yeah," he said, knowing for certain now, if he hadn't before, that Blaine knew. "Totally funny."
"Kissing Rachel Berry," Blaine said, his voice reminiscent. "Trying to figure out who I was while still trying to figure out how to stay in my parents' mold. It led to our first fight. You were so mad, remember that?"
Kurt's smiled faded and he looked down at his lap. He hadn't been mad, he'd been jealous. And so stubborn, even then. "Yeah, I remember."
"Talk about transitions…" Blaine said, but he trailed off.
Kurt wished he knew what Blaine was thinking as the silence dragged on. Hell, he wished he knew what he was thinking. One minute he was completely ready for them to get back together and he was certain that Blaine was too. And then-
"Oh Dave just got home," Blaine said and he could hear rustling in the background. "I'll email you the song breakdown if that's okay with you?"
"Yeah," Kurt said, his heart twisting in his chest. "That's fine."
"See you Friday, we'll run through it once quick before we perform!"
Kurt hung up. He fell back on his bed. He had to be careful with his heart. Ready or not, Dave was still in the picture. And Kurt didn't really like the idea of his ex-bully being a part of breaking it one last time.
He waited. His lips pressed into Kurt's and Blaine waited for a repeat of the elevator, for sparks to fly and music to play and for Kurt to open himself up to him so he could lose himself in the passionate touch and taste and feel of the only man he'd every truly loved.
But Kurt didn't kiss him back. Kurt. Didn't. Kiss. Him. Back.
He pulled away, his heart aching, his guilt crashing down and he suddenly felt like the biggest fool in the world. Thinking that a song actually meant something, that Kurt cheating the wheel to sing with him had actually meant anything more than that their voices blended perfectly. He'd been so stupid, so childish, and he'd betrayed Dave for nothing and the only thing he could think of to do was the one thing that he had always done.
He ran.
Thank god he'd been late and had to park out of sight and he managed to get in the car and drive a block away before the tears were running so heavily down his face that he had to stop.
Kurt loved him. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that Kurt loved him and it should have been enough. But Kurt didn't seem to want him anymore. Not like that.
Because every time he tried, Kurt pulled back. He still had up that wall, the wall that had been up since the first day they'd met, the wall that no matter how much he loved Kurt he couldn't ever seem to knock down.
Kurt didn't move. As Blaine's lips hit his all he could think was that in only a few hours Blaine would be waking up next to Dave to go to some football game. What exactly did Blaine think was going to happen here? What exactly had Kurt thought was going to happen here?
This was what he'd wanted, right? What he'd spent days planning? The flirty duet and the walk down memory lane? To earn back Blaine's trust and affection? To get Blaine to fall in love with him all over again?
Then why did it suddenly feel so wrong?
It's all fun and games. Until it's not.
The words popped into his head, a whisper on the wind of memories blowing through the night air. Kurt rejecting Dave. Sebastian rejecting Dave. And now this. He realized that kiss wasn't just playing with Blaine's feelings, and this wasn't the elevator, free from responsibility because what choice had they had? No, this time he'd been the one to manipulate Blaine. Sure Blaine had known it, but Kurt had done it without a single thought to the consequences.
But Dave was at home, waiting for his boyfriend to come back. For Blaine to come back to him.
Kurt couldn't say a word because he didn't have any when Blaine pulled away and all he could do was watch Blaine run as he had watched so many times before, more times than he could count.
He sat down on the curb, unable to get himself to go back inside. His head was spinning and his heart was just trying to stay in one piece and he didn't even notice when someone walked up behind him. But Sam must have noticed him missing because he came and silently sat down beside him.
"He kissed me," Kurt said, his arms wrapped tight around himself.
Sam knew it was what Kurt wanted. What they both had wanted. He also knew what it was like to be torn between two people he loved and to love someone he couldn't have. He knew that timing was everything.
"You know, Rachel has this bulletin board full of pictures in her room. All the memories from high school. But there's not a single picture of Finn up there." Kurt turned to look at him, but Sam was staring out into the darkness. "When I asked her why she said she'd taken them all down when she'd gone to New York and she had them tucked away in their own album. She said when she took it out and let herself fall into the memories, it was almost like he was still here. That they were still here. So she was careful with them, she said." Sam looked at him, his eyes somewhat sad. "She didn't let herself linger for too long."
"Blaine's right here," Kurt said. "All the time. I can't choose when to take the memories out and when to lock them away. I don't even know that I want to."
Sam let the words fall in the silence. He knew what they meant. But it didn't matter that he could see what was staring them both in the face. They needed to see it, in their own time. "Rachel and I are gonna go out Monday night. Breadstix. Before we come back for Beiste's thing. Come with us?"
Kurt laughed and shook his head. "No," he said. "I'm not crashing a date with you and Rachel. Being a third wheel is even worse than being alone."
"Then don't be a third wheel," Sam said. "Sure that Walter guy is kinda old but if anyone knows the benefit of dating someone older it's me. And well, Puck. And Quinn. But anyway, Walter seems like a nice guy and we won't judge, I promise. So bring him and we can get to know each other better. No pressure."
Kurt thought about it. Whatever was going on with him and Blaine needed to wait. Blaine had to settle things with Dave before either one of them could really move forward, if that's even what they both wanted to do. And Walter had said he could call. To talk to. Or other things. As long as Kurt was honest with him…
Besides, Kurt really needed to see this thing between Sam and Rachel up close and personal.
"Okay," he smiled. "If Walter's in then I'm in."
"Is it weird for you? Me dating Rachel?" Sam asked. "I mean, it kind feels like I'm dating your sister and I need your permission."
Kurt squinted over at him. "Yeah. It's weird," he said, but then he shrugged. "But other than that Brody psycho, Rachel and I pretty much have the same taste in guys. So I really shouldn't be surprised."
He smirked at Sam and Sam laughed. "Dude, I had almost forgotten that you had a crush on me once."
"Almost?" Kurt said, raising a brow.
"Yeah, almost," he grinned, nudging him in the shoulder. Sam stood up and reached a hand out for Kurt, who let himself be pulled up. "Now why don't we go back inside and give Rachel's home the send-off it deserves. Some more singing, some more dancing-"
Kurt nodded. "Some more alcohol," he said. "A lot more alcohol."
It was like walking through a fog. The whole way home from the party Blaine tried to figure out what to do, how to explain this to Dave. He hadn't meant to get lost in the memories, he hadn't meant his heart to leap when Kurt talked about wanting to kiss him. He hadn't meant to want to scream when Kurt said he hadn't felt the same way about him because he had, he always had.
He always would.
Blaine had slipped into bed, grateful that Dave was already sleeping. He looked over at him so peaceful, so trusting. Even after everything that had happened, Dave hadn't asked him not to go to the party, he just politely declined, kissed him sweetly and told him to have fun with his friends. The last thing in the world that Blaine wanted to do was hurt him.
In the morning at 5am the alarm clock rang. He got up, took a shower, had breakfast and hoped that he just needed time for the fog to lift. For the feelings to recede and everything to go back to normal. He just needed to be with Dave, cheering together in the stands for their team.
But instead he remembered a day long ago when he and Kurt had sat beside one another watching another football game, and the fog grew stronger.
On Sunday he and Dave went out to lunch with his parents and his mind flipped back to other lunches, the hard ones with tensions deep and the easy ones with talk of glee club and West Side Story and how delicious his mother's food was. He remembered that without Kurt he wouldn't be here right now, they wouldn't be here right now, together and happy. Kurt had changed his entire family. Kurt had saved them all.
Was that all Kurt was mean to do in this lifetime? Rescue Blaine and his family from a lifetime of pain, show them what love truly was and then leave? It didn't seem right. It didn't seem fair.
He was supposed to go to therapy on Monday but he cancelled. He knew he should go but he also knew that going would mean letting go and he wasn't ready to do that. Because he wasn't sure who or what he was supposed to let go of. Was he supposed to let go of Kurt and the idea that they would ever be together? Was he supposed to let go of Dave and hurt him? Dave had been nothing but sweet and kind and yes he'd been upset about the elevator kiss but that was understandable and he'd stayed anyway because he'd realized that they truly hadn't had a choice that time. This time though…
He'd had the choice. Blaine had the choice and he thought Kurt was giving it to him and he took it. He stole it from Dave and he took it from Kurt and now what was he left with? He really couldn't face answering the question. He wasn't ready to answer that question.
So he went to the football game with Dave on Monday instead and grocery shopping after and he tried not to think about that time that he and Kurt had put the groceries away singing You Make Me Feel So Young. And he stared out the window wondering, as he had lying in bed day after day in the New York loft, if living without those kinds of moments would ever truly feel like living. Thinking about it he could barely even breathe.
"Okay, what?"
Blaine's heart jumped. He turned. Dave looked angry and Blaine panicked. He wasn't ready. "Uh, what's what?" he asked with a forced nonchalance that wasn't fooling anyone.
"Whatever it is that you've been staring into space over for days. I mean, you've said like two words."
For a moment Blaine felt like it was one of those moments as a kid, caught having done something wrong and his father was staring him down, knowing the truth but forcing him to tell before he pronounced his sentence. And the only thing he could think of to do was what he had always done then. Apologize. Lie. Hide. "Sorry," he said defensively.
"Something happened that night at Rachel's party," Dave pressed. "Didn't it?"
The lies slipped from Blaine's tongue as if he'd been doing it his whole life, because he had. "I sung a duet with Kurt. Okay?" He tried to blow it off, make it seem like nothing but in order to do that… "It was Rachel's idea, it was a silly Glee club thing, I don't even know why I haven't told you about it." He shook his head, sitting down. Hoping that Dave would just accept the answer and not ask anything else. He didn't need to know it had been Kurt's idea and not Rachel's. He wasn't ready to admit he hadn't told him because it had led to so much more.
Dave though wasn't buying it. "Why would I be upset that you sang a duet with Kurt? I mean, you guys don't stop singing, that's not it."
Dave leaned against the counter. And Blaine looked at him, his own heart breaking because he knew it was over. He knew this was the moment where he would hurt a person that had come to be very special to him. And there was nothing Blaine hated more than hurting the people he loved.
But he couldn't talk. Because the only words that would come out of his mouth were more lies that he didn't want to tell. So he just shook his head, nearly imperceptible but louder than any words he might have spoken.
"Oh man." Dave looked down at the counter.
"Dave-" he said and he nearly told him that it didn't mean anything. But he found that was one lie he couldn't tell.
"Just tell me one thing," Dave said and his voice was resigned. "Did he kiss you? Or did you kiss him?"
Blaine shook his head. Because in the end he knew it didn't matter. It wouldn't have mattered. He would have kissed Kurt either way.
"I knew it," Dave said, pulling away, walking away, needing space. And Blaine took the moment too. The last time he'd told Dave he'd kissed Kurt, Dave had packed a bag. This time Blaine knew that he'd be the one leaving and this time it would be no one's fault but his own. "I guess I was lucky to get a couple of months in with you."
Blaine looked up at him. "What does that mean?"
"It means you still love him. You never stopped. Ever since Kurt came back to Lima there's been this ticking clock hanging over us." Blaine wanted to say that he was wrong. But he couldn't. He'd always known. They all had always known. "Time's up."
"I'm sorry Dave, I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay, it's okay," Dave said and he sounded like he truly meant it. "I know. I…no hard feelings okay?" Dave walked back over, hands stuffed in his pockets, but a small smile on his face. "And you know that clumsy fat-ass Craig? He tried to slip me his number at the game."
Blaine laughed. Eyes wet with tears, he laughed. "Look. There's a whole world of guys out there waiting to be my rebound," Dave said. Blaine looked up at him. He was the lucky one, to get a couple of months in with Dave. "Go." Blaine's brow furrowed and he shook his head, confused. "It's okay. Go. Tell Kurt."
Blaine's eyes opened wide and panic set in. Because as much as he had wanted it, Dave had been a safety net, a place to fall if Kurt rejected him. But now that was gone. He would tell Kurt that he and Dave were broken up and that he loved Kurt and if Kurt said no there was no place left to fall. Now his heart truly raced, terror and anticipation and hope rushing through his veins. He got up and he went to the door, lost in the fear when Dave called back to him.
"Uh, just do me a favor?" Dave said and Blaine turned back. "Don't sing it. Just say it."
Blaine looked at him, the man he'd shared so much pain with the last few months. And he rushed over, into his arms and kissed him warmly on the cheek, thanking him. For everything.
Blaine walked out the door, closing it behind him. And behind that door he tried to leave his fears and insecurities, his anger and betrayal and hurt, so much hurt. Because he loved Kurt. And whatever it was that they needed to figure out, they could figure it out together. There was no one else he wanted to figure it out with.
He didn't even remember driving to Lima, he only remembered getting out of the car, running down the halls of McKinley to catch Kurt before he left for the day, to tell him that he loved him and he forgave him and they would knock down their walls together.
But Kurt wasn't alone. He was with Walter and Blaine couldn't just say it. Instead he lied and he watched them leave and he walked back to his car with no idea where to go. Words came back to him. Words that Kurt had spoken so long ago:
"We are one hand, one heart. When your heart breaks, mine does too. And when your heart heals, mine grows even stronger. And when we fight, we fight as one. We're in this together. And I will never, ever, let you forget again."
Blaine looked up into the sky, finding the first star to twinkle back at him. And he made a wish.
He made a wish for Kurt to remember.
See you all next week at the wedding!