"Dean, there are burgers." Jack's voice was loud but muffled through the hardwood door. It pulled him back to reality with a thud. What the fuck had just happened? His heart was racing as he tried to figure it out. The dream had been so...vivid, so real. The post-sex bliss was still receding and with it came guilt, discomfort and… something.
"Sure, I'm up." he groaned as he tried to place that strange feeling in his gut but he became distracted.
Yep definitely up. He replayed it over in his mind and the resulting shudders freaked him out. 'Stop it Dean', he scolded himself.
Staring at the ceiling usually helped. And eventually, it did. The thudding in his chest faded, the boner softened and he stretched. Yep, just a dream. Once he refocused on where he was, he set off to the kitchen. The smell hit him half-way there and he salivated the rest of the way.
Bless Sam and his need to feed the masses. "Hey, Dean," Sam called as he put together a plate for D2. He was wearing a Red apron over the red flannel and it was...bright. As Dean added bacon to his burger from a huge place on the left, he noticed writing on the apron. It looked Enochian and his curiosity peaked.
"Hey, what does your apron say?" Dean asked.
"It's not mine its Dean's; he usually does all the cooking but he's not been feeling great the last day or so and Cas can't seem to fix it. Probably pre-flight nerves or something..." He shrugged; D2 looked over at his name but didn't comment.
Sam smiled, "It says, Cheeseburgers are a food group."
Dean laughed, "Agreed." then paused, "Why is it in Enochian?"
Cas-two chuckled from across the kitchen where he sat cuddling with D2. "I found it amusing. Something's are funnier in Enochian."
Reaching for the cheese Dean smiled then sat. Jack was next to him eating fries and stared at a cheese square like it held the secrets of the universe. The kid must have showered because he looked better than before. The bloody shirt had been replaced with mustard colour flannel that Dean didn't recognise.
"Jack. You okay there bud?" Dean asked through a mouthful of burger. It was succulent, juicy and perfect.
"Yes, Dean." He said still frowning at the cheese.
"You're supposed to eat it." Dean added, "Not stare at it."
Jack looked up, his eyes going wide, "It's strange…" and he tore the slice in half, "I don't know if I like the cheese slice, Dean."
Dean laughed spitting burger over the counter, "You don't have to eat it you know, just put it down and back away."
"But I have my burger, why would I leave?"
Dean nearly face-palmed, "No, I mean...never mind…" he smiled at Jacks quizzical expression, "Just eat."
Jack nodded, "Okay Dean." Putting the ripped square on the table he picked up his burger and took a bite. "I like burgers though."
"Me too Jack, me too." Dean rubbed his nose with the back of his hand to hide the grin. Jack reminded him so much of Cas sometimes. The only time Jack reminded Dean of Lucifer was when he was angry, he got all vengeful. Though that could be my bad influence, Dean thought.
They ate in relative silence. Jack asked about ketchup and Cas assured him it was a vegetable. Dean sniggered to himself, the dream had been forgotten for now.
After stuffing his face, Dean relaxed and then went to get a beer from the fridge. Everyone was milling around and he brushed past the D2 and Cas-two talking. He caught the words 'dream' and 'hot tub' but it was enough. Dean's stomach fell to his feet. Shit he thought, it was just a coincidence, right? Yeah, coincidence...
Feeling the grimace on his face, he groaned internally. When was it ever coincidence and not some new mystical insanity?
Checking his watch he noted there were twelve hours to go. Awesome. His skin was tight with the need to get out of there.
The couple laughed behind him and he tensed.
"Are you alright Dean?" Jack's enquiry made him jump.
"Er, yeah...I just..."
"Did you know your atoms are weird?" Jack interrupted. It was incredibly casual, like, 'hey the sky is blue.'
Dean processed the sentence as he turned. "What? Weird how?"
Jack took a breath trying to find the right words. "Some of them are resonating at the same frequency as this universe. It doesn't seem to be spreading anymore but some have definitely changed, they're not in the right order..." The head tilt in any other circumstance would have been amusing, Dean was not amused.
"My atoms are...what? Broken?" He could feel fear rising, the fear he'd ignored and labelled coincidence. Mystical fucking shit...why could he never catch a break?
"Not broken... changing." Jack clarified.
Dean stared at him trying to keep the panic at bay.
"...the dream?" Dean whispered but Jack caught it.
"What dream?" It was a little too loud; everyone stopped to look at him.
"You had a dream?" Sam asked, "Was it fun?" His smile playful.
Dean blushed and that was the last straw. "It's nothing." He tried to shut the conversation down but made the epic mistake of glancing at his double.
"What's going on?" D2 asked Jack. The whole room was looking at Dean now.
"Dean's atoms have changed; he's resonating like one of you but only in parts. It's patchy."
"Dean?" Cas asked, worried. Though they all sported worried expressions. Cas was staring at him, looking for what Jack could see.
"Yeah, having some, err, weird dreams…" He looked at his double again and his eyebrows went high.
"Hot tub?" D2 asked and Dean nodded.
"Shit."
"Exactly."
"Can we have details-"
"No!" They both snapped together and then looked around uncomfortably.
"Wait this was the dream you had while we...slept?" Cas-two asked and D2 nodded. The angels' eyes went wide.
"Oh.."
"Yeah, Oh" Dean replied.
"But it's stopped spreading?" Sam asked Jack.
"Yes, it seems to be holding or…"
"Or what?" Dean growled becoming impatient.
"It's so slow I can't see it?" The question was not the concrete response he was hoping for.
"Jack!" Dean's stern tone made the Nephilim flinch.
"I'm sorry…" His gaze fell, "I can't see it without disassembling you or touching your soul. Both would be, problematic."
"Disassembling me? Really? I'm sure that wouldn't be problematic at all!" Sarcasm dripped from each word and Dean felt like he was going to punch something.
"Dean, just chill out okay, it's not his fault your atoms or whatever are broken." Sam intervened and Dean slammed himself onto a stool, huffing.
"I didn't mean to upset you, Dean." Jack approached the grumpy hunter with care. Cas moved to Jack and placed his hand on his shoulder then reassured him with a smile.
Dean took a deep breath, "Dude it's not you, this place is sinking into my...everything."
"It doesn't seem to be happening to anyone else...Cas?"
Castiel turned at the same time as his double but only the first answered.
"Well, actually..." Cas looked unnerved, even shifty.
"Cas?"
Cas-two answered, looking at D2 in sideways glances, "Well, it's not happening to my Dean in the same way but his aura is... patchy. I thought it was wedding stress but looking closer his atoms are doing something similar. As if he's absorbing bit's of your universe."
D2 spun on him, "When did you figure this out?"
"About five seconds ago. I don't examine you on an anatomical level often you know. Jack pointing it out made me look."
D2 sighed, satisfied, "Do you know why this is happening?"
Cast-two froze.
The angel glanced at his double who nodded. Yep, they definitely knew something.
"I didn't account for this Dean, I'm sorry. It should fix itself when we're back in our universe…" Cas' tone was apologetic. Stepping towards Dean he frowned and folded his arms.
Dean frowned back, "What didn't you account for?"
"Well, it's not like I knew we were going to be travelling to alternate realities or what it would do…"
"Cas Seriously?"
"Your soul was so damaged, Dean. In Hell…"
"When you raised me? What does that have to do with…"
"Everything…" Cas rubbed his hands over his face. The others watched in avid fascination. Everyone except the Cas-two who was curling in on himself as D2 listened to the tale.
"Your soul was...shredded. So dark in places I was worried... I...that I'd raise something that was more demon than human..." Cas looked into Dean's eyes and hoped he'd understand, he did it for the best. "...I...patched you up." The casual attempt to lighten the revelation fell flat. No one moved.
"What does that mean Cas?"
"It means he used his pure form...fixed your soul," Cas-two added.
Jack's eyes went wide.
"You did this as well?" D2 asked his Cas, frowning at his husband and creating -two nodded and wrapped his arms around his own stomach.
"So hang on, you used parts of your angel form to fix me and now it's breaking me? Like grace? Like when you fix bruises and bones?" Dean asked as he paced.
Jack interrupted. "No Dean. Cas used parts of himself to fix you. Not his grace, his true form, he was all light. There was no vessel. That's what he means, not the 'white shiny stuff' as you call it. He used part of himself to clean and patch your soul. Cas bound you at a subatomic level, his soul is keeping yours together."
"How do you know…?" Dean frowned at Jack's expression, he just knew. This had been happening more and more. Jack was full of knowledge, something would trigger it and he would know. It wasn't like learning, more unlocking. He couldn't understand cheese squares but atoms, those he got.
Dean paused, "What does that even mean?"
Cas took a deep breath and elaborated, "When I found you. You'd broken the seal..."
Dean flinched at the memory but Cas continued,"...I know you don't remember but you were going dark. Your soul, it was... shattered. There were pieces missing and parts so black and corrupted... for a long moment I thought I was mistaken and you were a demon."
Dizziness passed through Dean as he processed Castiel's words. A demon? He'd been part demon?
Cas-two was crying, they were slow, silent tears. D2 stood, arms folded looking shell-shocked, the conflict was shining in his eyes. He hadn't known either, awesome. Dean could almost feel the battle within D2. Cas' tears were killing him and he knew D2 would be feeling it deeper. The anger and the need to comfort him fought for supremacy within his chest.
"I was in my pure form. When I reached out, I could feel how deep the rot had set and knew you wouldn't have made it a year on earth without going insane. If not that then it would have been a rampage or sinking into a coma. We needed you whole. I thought about fixing you and then I could, so I bound you back together with my essence."
They all sat and stared at their respective Cas'.
"You duct-taped my soul with yours?" Dean asked when he found the words.
Cas thought about the question, his brow furrowed and then nodded.
Dean didn't know how to feel about any of it. Sam had finished cleaning and was leaning against the counter. Jack sat at the counter looked thoughtful. They all watched Dean as he paced.
"I don't know what to say Cas. Were you supposed to do that?"
"No. If the other Angels had found out I could have been executed. I didn't even know that it could be done. Human souls are energy. It's like sticking your hand into a nuclear reactor. Just touching you that deeply while I was in that form...well, it left permanent marks." Cas rubbed his hand as if it ached.
Dean rubbed his shoulder, where the scar of Cas's hand used to be.
"It's still there. You just can't see it anymore." Cas added sheepishly.
"What?" Dean exclaimed in shock, he'd thought it was gone.
"The binding caused a permanent mark on your soul. When I dragged you from hell and put you back in your vessel, I had to tear myself away. That mark was left by the shock of the separation, parts of me fused with you and I had to rip us apart. It manifested as a physical mark because you're human, it was the last place I touched when I brought you back. When I healed you the physical mark was erased but it's still there under your skin, it always will be." Cas looked pained.
Dean's double stormed out and the Cas-two followed, tears streaming down his face.
"Cas, what's happening to me..."
The angel took a deep breath, "There are fault lines, for lack of a better word, where your soul and my essence meet. This universe is seeping into them and trying to fill my essence with your doubles soul. It's calling out to the parts that are missing. It doesn't know that the soul is two different halves of two different people. It wants them reunited, it's seeking balance."
Cas had known one day this would all come out, he hoped that Dean would understand. When was the right time to tell someone that they only had parts of their soul? He sat on the stool trying to find the best expression for his face. This was a secret, a big one and Dean hated those. Knowing there would be consequences, he braced for Dean's reaction.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean scowled, "I've been feeling weird since we got here and you didn't say a goddamn thing."
"I'm sorry Dean, I didn't think it was having any effect until Jack mentioned it and now I think it's also been happening to me..."
It explained the mood swings Dean thought, but it was fleeting as his anger rose.
"No Cas I mean about patching me up. You have known this whole time, there are parts of you inside me and you never thought to, oh I don't know, tell me?" He was fuming. "Like, 'Hey Dean I gave you a service before I dragged you from hell. I did a soul overhaul and filled in the dents!' It didn't occur to you that I would like to know what condition my soul was in? My soul Cas!"
Castiel felt each word like a blow.
Sam had disappeared somewhere around the time the yelling had started. Jack was watching with a pained expression.
"I'm sorry Dean. I was trying to protect you."
"You played Dr Frankenstein Cas, with my freaking soul. What is wrong with you?"
Cas looked at the floor, "I had no choice. If the angels knew...it's an abomination. Only God has the right to fix souls but I couldn't return you that way. If they found out, both of us would have been in danger."
"But now? Now Chuck is back? You could have told me!" Dean scowled.
"How did you do it?" Jack asked interrupting which earned him narrow eyes from Dean.
"I don't know, honestly. I willed it and it happened. I think now that Chuck was watching. That he saw..."
"The sacrifice…" Anna's voice came from behind them all and they jumped a mile. She looked from Dean to Castiel, the expression full of love and support.
Cas was startled but nodded for her to continue, "You wanted to fix him, to sacrifice part of yourself. God gave you the ability to do that."
Anna scowled in Dean's direction, "You should thank him, no one else would have done that. None would have thought to try. Sacrificing for a human is beneath most."
Anna turned to Cas, "It was shredded?" He nodded and she continued, "He took from himself to make you whole; do you have any idea how much strength that would take even with God's help? The pain he must have endured?" She winced at the thought, "It's like asking you to tear off limb or two and then use it to fix someone else while bleeding out." She frowned at Cas, "I don't agree with what you did but if God allowed it…it was brave, selfless."
They had a staredown, Cas' eyes glazed with tears and Anna smiled before she inclined her head. A thousand words had passed between them in a moment.
"You're correct by the way." She addressed Cas, "You created gaps in your own being that God couldn't replace. Not without fundamentally changing you."
"Were you spying on us?" Dean snapped, the anger needing to go somewhere.
"Chuck's been listening…" She smiled back ignoring his temper.
Cas mulled it over then nodded.
"Thank him?" Cas asked even though it wasn't his Chuck.
She nodded again and vanished.
Dean was shell-shocked but his mind kept going over Anna's words. 'It's like asking you to tear off limb or two and then use it to fix someone else while you're bleeding.' Shit.
"I should have told you, Dean, I'm sorry. I was concerned for your safety, and my own."
"I'm still mad Cas," Dean growled. Glancing at Cas was a bad move, his anger was drowning in so many other feelings he couldn't place any of them. It was like a god damn emotional circus in his chest.
"I know Dean and I'm truly sorry." Cas had his sad eyes fixed on Dean's and he knew that the anger would leave soon. He hated that look, hated it and damn it he wanted to be mad.
"Is there anything else I should know? You might want to spill now?" He frowned, waiting for the worse news because there was always worse news.
Cas winced, "We're connected. When I die, you feel... lost?"
Dean's eyes focused hard on Cas.
"That's one word for it, yeah…" He didn't like talking about feelings but this was his soul, damn it.
"...you're saying I miss you what, harder? Longer? Worse? Because you're...and I can't believe I'm saying this again, inside me?" He sighed,"...and now I feel all kinds of dirty."
Cas grimaced but continued, "It wears off to a point but you'll always feel that loss. I'm sorry Dean I wasn't planning on dying, especially repeatedly. I'm an angel; it was almost unfathomable to me at the time that I could die within a human lifespan."
And there it was. Cas had been the good soldier, raised him, fixed him so that he wasn't an inhuman mess. So that he could be back on earth and be with Sammy. To save the world he'd sacrificed parts of himself. Dean was glad of it, really but he should have been told.
"I need some time Cas." He went to leave but Cas' cough stopped him. Jesus, of course, there was more.
Cas rubbed his face, a very Dean gesture and continued. "Dean, the dream you had. The emotions you're experiencing are a side effect, I would assume, of all this, of being here. It will pass, I promise."
Dean went for the door, his brain mashed, and walked quickly from the revelations. He needed space, miles of it.