10. The opening

As the weeks of separation turned into a month, Leonard agonized over whether he could see his way clear to attend the opening of After the Fall. He was having trouble sorting out his disordered emotions. His initial reaction had been easy: bitter anger at Penny for her betrayal. But as his fury faded, his thinking became more and more confused.

His relationship with Penny had been the one pure joy of his life, the one achievement of which he was proudest. The thought that his marriage to her might be over drove him to distraction.

Nearly every evening Leonard paced his apartment, hour after hour, awash in muddled thoughts and conflicting sentiments. He stood on the patio looking out on the darkened street below for an entire night, wondering which of his feelings to obey. He was tormented by the thought of her in the arms of another. But he was also tortured by the thought that they might never be together again, that he had lost the one true love of his life.

He still loved Penny, he knew that. He was concerned for her well-being, and proud of her coming success on the stage. Nothing would change that, and nothing could take away from the fact that she had been the light of his life. Yet his enduring feelings for her only heightened the pain he felt when he thought of what she had done.

He had so many questions, and no answers. Had their marriage meant so little to her? Or had it been, as she insisted, just an awful mistake, something he might be able to deal with? But how? How could she have made a mistake of that magnitude, after all they had been through?

She had written him emails every day for the first week, declaring her love and begging for another chance. He had restrained the urge to respond furiously, attempting to be correct and courteous. But the emails had stopped after that terrible night at his apartment, and that was the last contact he had had with Penny. Now many weeks had gone by. Had she moved on? Given up on him? Or did she still believe, as he wanted desperately to believe, that their marriage was worth trying to save? He had no idea.

Leonard knew that Penny was suffering terribly, and that made his thinking even more clouded. His mind was like a kaleidoscope. Turn it one way and he saw the two of them in pain, reaching out to each other, struggling together to rebuild their marriage; turn it another way and he saw her with other men, betraying him willingly, as opportunities presented themselves; turn it a third way and he saw the end of the marriage, and the end of his happiness, perhaps forever. Each of these visions was one version of reality; but which did he want to believe? How could he choose? Was there even a choice?

Bernadette had spoken to him several times about attending the play's opening, with the kindness and compassion both she and Howard had continually shown him. It was clear she thought he should go, and also that she would understand if he could not. He did not know if he would be able to bear seeing Penny on the stage with that man. But he did not think he could ever forgive himself if he missed the triumphant beginning of her brilliant career.

One thing he knew: he needed some resolution. If Penny had given up on him, or if he could not stand to be with her, he needed to know, so that he could try to rebuild his life without her. If she continued to believe in them, and if he was able to be with her without falling apart, he needed to know that, too, so that he could try to decide whether he could get past what had happened and work toward reconciliation. One way or another, he needed closure. But he had no idea how to obtain it.

Previews at the Westwood Playhouse moved into the final week, as the show became more and more polished. And the play was now locked – no changes of any significance until opening night, so that the critics could attend some of the previews and begin to form their opinions. Just knowing that there were critics in the audience made Penny jittery, but both Diane and Audrey assured her that she was doing a great job and that the notices were going to be positive.

As opening night approached, Penny got increasingly anxious. She remained tense about her performance – after all, how it was received would probably determine whether she had a future in acting. But Penny was especially panicky when she thought about whether Leonard would come. She was too frightened to ask Bernadette, and in any case she knew the decision might be last-minute, but it kept her up at night wondering whether her man would be there to witness what would probably be the defining moment of her career. Penny desperately wanted Leonard to see her do something that she thought was competent, maybe even good. To prove to him that she wasn't a complete failure.

Finally, opening night arrived. The theater was electric with excitement, but it was a quiet excitement that Penny found a little confusing. She knew what a movie premiere was like; she'd seen them in Hollywood and Westwood, with the red carpet and the spotlights and the stars arriving in limousines as crowds of fans lined the sidewalk. But, it turned out, the opening of a play was much more subdued. For one thing, all of the stars were in the theater preparing. So while everyone inside was on edge waiting for the curtain to go up, outside it really didn't seem that big a deal.

The opening-night performance itself seemed letter perfect to Penny. Somehow the actors had upped their game from the last preview – perhaps the nervous tension of the opening night gave them some extra drive. The climactic scene between Quentin/Leo and Maggie/Penny went particularly well. As Quentin, cold in his business suit, and Maggie, despairing in her flimsy negligée, battled through the final throes of their failed marriage, Penny could feel the tension rise in the house. At the conclusion of the emotional episode, she heard an audible gasp from the audience. The lights dimmed, and she and DiCaprio looked at each other with satisfaction: they had pulled it off. At the end of the performance, the audience response was terrific. DiCaprio got a standing ovation, and the three principal female actors all got huge applause.

As Penny walked, exhausted and exhilarated, back to her dressing room, she got the sense that everyone was enthusiastic and excited about the opening. Accolades from cast and crew echoed around her. She opened the door to find a small bouquet of flowers resting on her makeup table. George and Diane, she figured, as she opened the envelope containing the note card. It read:

You were magnificent. I have never been prouder of anyone, for anything, in my life.

Love, Leonard

She caught her breath. This meant he had been in the audience. She noted a little arrow at the bottom of the card. She knew this from Leonard's meticulous notes; it meant "please turn over." She did, and read:

I've loved you since the moment we met, and I will keep loving you until the end of time.

She had to force herself to breathe. She immediately rushed out into the backstage confusion.

"Seth, Seth, did you see my husband here?"

Seth looked a little guilty. "Yes, he was here during curtain call. I let him in to leave the flowers. Was that wrong?"

"No, no, that was perfect!" and she hugged him, then ran back to her dressing room to change as quickly as she could. Somebody knocked on the door and came in. It was Diane.

"Penny, you were spectacular."

"Thanks, Diane, but I don't have time for that now."

Diane looked stunned. Penny laughed. "Look at these flowers. They're from Leonard."

"Oh, dear, that was nice of him. Are things between you two getting better?"

Penny looked serious. "No. Not yet. But look at the card."

Diane looked. "That's beautiful."

Penny said, "That's what he told me after we got married. But the other side means he was here. Seth said he dropped them off during curtain call. I need to find him. I wonder if he's going to the party. I invited him and all his friends. It's a long shot, but maybe I can find him there."

Diane thought. "I can find out." She picked up her phone and dialed, as Penny continued to remove her makeup and change quickly. "George, ask the gate-check crew to look on the guest list to see if Leonard Hofstadter is there."

Penny stopped changing and quickly wrote and passed a note to Diane.

"OK. How about these? Cooper. Fowler. Wolowitz. Koothrappali. OK, thanks."

She shook her head sadly at Penny. "None of them are there."

Penny waved her hand, picking up her phone to call an Uber. "That's not important. If they're not there, I know where they are. Diane, I have to go find him. Please make my apologies at the party, OK? This is more important. You understand, don't you?"

Diane looked doubtful. "Don't you at least want to go to the press line? It's a great opportunity to get yourself out in front of all the critics and the media. Maybe just a quick stop at the step and repeat for the television cameras and the photographers? Especially for you, dear, it could be a big help to your career."

Penny shook her head. "This is more important to me, Diane. This is my life; the press line is just my career." Diane looked stricken. "Oh!" Penny said hurriedly. "Do you think it's important for the show? For you and George? If that's the case, I can go."

"No, no," Diane assured her. "The press line will survive without you. But do you really have to go right now?"

"Diane," Penny explained, "this is the first contact we've had, of any kind, in a month. I think it's an opportunity to see if there's any possibility that we can make things work. I'm afraid that if I don't act now, the window will close. Please? Don't you think that makes sense?"

Diane smiled. "Of course, dear. Good luck."

"Oh, and tell Audrey where I am. She'll worry if I don't show up."

Penny ran out of the stage door onto the street. The Uber was there within a minute. She got in and gave the driver the Pasadena address. She added, "There's an extra fifty bucks if you can get there by –" she looked at the time; it was 10.05 PM "- by 10.35." The car sped off.

Penny got to the building by 10.30, threw two twenties and a ten at the driver and ran up the stairs. There was no sound from inside Apartment 4A. She relaxed, and began pacing the hallway, thinking about what to do and say.

Within fifteen minutes, she heard excited voices coming up the stairs. Sheldon came around the bend first. He stopped short when he saw Penny, obviously confused about what to do. Amy was right behind him. She also stopped short, almost as confused. After them came Raj. He hesitated, but stepped forward.

"Penny, that was brilliant," he said seriously. He clearly didn't know if he should hug her, or shake her hand. So he just stood there. Penny had no intention of increasing the embarrassment factor, so she did not move to hug him, even though she wanted to, desperately. She wanted to hug them all tight, to apologize to them all.

But suddenly she saw that there was nobody behind them. "Where's Leonard?" she asked, frightened.

"He, Howard, and Bernadette are in the other car," Raj said. "He should be here soon, they actually left before us. But you know how he drives."

Just then they heard the door downstairs open. Amy and Sheldon were obviously still uncomfortable. They were all waiting to see how Leonard was going to handle this, how he wanted them to handle it.

Within a minute Leonard came trudging up the stairs. Penny's heart soared when she saw him. He was so handsome, dressed so well for the night out. But he looked thin and unhealthy, she noticed sadly. As he came around the corner, Leonard saw his friends standing around and looked puzzled. Then he saw Penny. And he smiled.

That smile, that smile, Penny thought. What I would give to have that smile back. How I have missed it. She couldn't help it, despite all her promises to herself. A tear began to form. She wanted to wipe it away, but she was frozen in place. This was it. This was the deciding moment of her life. She held her breath.

END ACT ONE

Entr'acte

A/N. For those interested in the climactic scene of After the Fall, referred to here and further on, there is video online of a portion of the scene. It is a graduate-student film of high quality, reflecting the traditional interpretation. In Youtube, search for "After the Fall scene John Berardo". (I hope Mr. Berardo, who is obviously very talented, has no objections.)

Don't worry, Act Two will start very soon and the suspense will be resolved.