Jace Journals: Entry 1

Chapter 10: January 2nd

Dear Clary,

I don't know how many times I've written to you and each time the letter manages to end up in the pile that's created at the bottom of my drawer. Maybe someday I'll share these with you like you have shared your thoughts with me. It is something I constantly look forward to. I do miss you, Clary. Whatever may have happened, I want you to remember that I never intended for you to get hurt.

I wanted to be the one who was there for you on your bedside, holding your hand while you slept in your hospital bed. I know how much you hate hospitals; I know what it reminds you of. Since it was the holidays, Maryse took us all to our cabin to spend a week over there otherwise I would've visited, maybe visited. It's not like you needed me anyway, you had this guy Sebastian with you all along, he deserves you Clary. He can give you something that in the end I never could, happiness.

You deserve a twenty five page essay of what I did to you, there's no excuse but I don't want to do this by writing, it isn't something that you should read in a dumb letter. I have something to explain to you Clary and it's not something I can easily talk about, it's a horrible mistake that I created. There are nights I dream about having you back in my arms, the way you lay your head on my chest is an image and feeling that I will hold dear to my heart. How cliché did that sound?

Do not worry about your hand, I know you, you are the strongest person on earth, if there's anyone who can charge through this, it you. And even if you can't draw or paint with your hand specifically there are ways that people have achieved doing this without any of their limbs. Don't lose faith because sometimes faith is the only this that can keep you going, and I don't mean that in a religious perspective, I mean belief in yourself.

I am happy for you that your family have gotten together again; I understand that you took it hard when your parents decided to get divorced. It took you a lot of trust for you to open up to me like that and I promise that I will never ever tell a soul about what you shared with me. Lilith sounds like a really good person, she does sound more like an older sister than a step mother (is it too soon to call her a step mother?).

Your Christmas present is still wrapped up near the Christmas tree, I had to move it since it was the last one there and Robert wanted to pack up the tree. He's leaving soon, another business trip, what a surprise. Internally, I'm actually kind of glad he's going, Maryse and he get in to so many disagreements, and it's getting ridiculous. Isabelle and Alec pretend like it's not even happening, I think inside they like to pretend that they still have this happy little suburban family and they want to keep up the front.

Enough about that though, I was starting to talk about your Christmas present. I had hoped that you would come back to stay with Jocelyn and Luke so that I could give it to you, you would have loved it. I didn't want to spoil it for you but I don't even know if I'm going to send this, so does it even matter if I mention it or not?

Its these stained glass sun catchers I found in the summer, they are the design of fish, ones that reminded me of the time we went to the aquarium and you refused to leave the blue fish because they were too 'beautiful and everyone keeps fucking ignoring them so I have to give them some love'. I'm quoting there.

Please come back sometime.

I'll be thinking of you,

Jace H.

A/N: Thank you to all who reviewed, even though there weren't much of a response I still very much appreciate it. So I went with Jace Journals - I thought it was a nice name. I know a lot of you guys have questions and stuff which can be really hard to portray through letters and information comes through a lot slower than it would if it was a normal story. So y'all have to bare with me.

If any of you guys have read my other work you'll know I HATE doing other POVs so I only do them occasionally, I think this one will be slightly more than I'm used to but still quite occasional.

I would've written more but I've been pretty stumped with school work right now so I only wrote in a quick break I had

Read and review xx