Again, thank you so much to everybody who was kind enough to review. :) Oh, and, because I don't know if I mentioned it earlier – during the point in the AU timeline this is set during, Konoha is at war with Sound.

-

"Say that one more time," Leader-sama enunciates, in a low, dangerous tone.

Deidara recoils from his glare, and even the normally fearless Hidan wilts a little. "…The mission went great, un. We got there without incident, performed the requisite assassinations, and on the way back – well, un, we may have accidentally started a little war with Sound."

"But just a little one," Hidan contributes helpfully.

Konan, Kisame, Itachi, Tobi, and Pein all stare at them, quite lost for words.

Pein takes several deep, calming breaths, closing his eyes for a moment; when he opens them, they glow with the purple light of the Rinnegan.

Even though the menacing doujutsu is only directed at the two most recalcitrant Akatsuki members, Kisame shudders inexplicably, Tobi fights the urge to cower under the table, Itachi's left eye twitches, and Konan actually crumples up her paper flower out of sheer nerves. Deidara and Hidan fare worse – the blonde missing-nin actually jumps in his seat and shrieks, and Hidan immediately performs a speedy and thorough recital of all the prayers he knows.

Pein leans forward, his fingers gripping the edges of the table hard. "Why don't you two tell me how you accidentally started a little war?"

Deidara winces, twiddling his thumbs. "So, un. We were on our way back, when we were jumped by a bunch of those drab, weird-ass looking Sound shinobi."

Konan narrows her eyes. "Why would Sound shinobi jump you? They may be unsavory, but they are not stupid." She pauses for a moment. "Well, not all that stupid," the kunoichi amends.

Pein leans back, frowning. "Describe them."

Deidara considers this for a moment. "Tall guy, dressed in purple, with silver hair – originally from the Mist, just like you, un," he says, nodding toward Kisame. "And you'll get a kick out of this; he carries around a sword, too, but not as giant and badass as yours."

Kisame scowls darkly. "Freakin' wannabe," he mutters under his breath.

"Annoying redheaded chick," Hidan chips in. "Really annoying. And a fucking giant with orange hair."

"Is that it?" Pein presses, barely able to conceal his impatience.

"That's not all, un," Deidara swings his feet on the table, with the air of somebody just about to disclose highly important information. The hand on his mouth spits out a tiny clay bird, which flutters over to Itachi. "They – group of drab, weird-ass Sound shinobi, that is – kept talking about your little brother or sister, I can never figure out which it is, un—"

"Brother," Kisame supplies.

Itachi stares at Deidara impassively, before reaching out and crushing the little clay bird into dust. "What about my brother?"

"He and some of his little buddies have formed a team that's tracking you throughout the land, so that he can, and I quote, cut off your fucking head, mount it on a pike, drain your internal organs into a soup, and then feed the aforementioned soup and whatever else remains of your body to the Inuzuka dogs. Whatever the hell those are," Hidan replies dismissively.

There are a few moments of dumbfounded silence, and every single pair of eyes in the Akatsuki lair swivels to the recipient of such considerable ire.

Itachi smirks, completely unconcerned. "How very predictable. Next order of business?"

Pein massages his forehead, battling a rapidly-growing headache of epic proportions. "So they are searching for Itachi. Presumably, they approached you because you are known members of the same organization, correct?"

"Yeah, un," Deidara confirms. "Anyway, we tried to get them to go away, and I think Hidan killed the redheaded chick as a warning, but they were being irritatingly – persistent, un. They just kept following."

"Like retarded, ugly, and completely unlovable puppies," Hidan clarifies.

Tobi considers pointing out that there is no such thing as an unlovable puppy, but wisely decides to save it for later.

"—So anyway, we didn't want to come right back to Headquarters, un," Deidara points out, jerking his thumb over at Itachi. "It would be a pretty bad idea to lead them to Tachi-chan over here. We took a minor detour, ended up crossing the border into Sound…"

"…Got cornered on one of their pansy-ass military bases…" Hidan continues smoothly—

—And Deidara clasps his hands in his most angelic manner, ready for the artistic finish. "And blew up said pansy-ass military base and everything and everybody in it, un!"

Kisame groans and discreetly bashes his head against the edge of the table, and Itachi sighs. Konan wordlessly folds a paper fan, just so she can hide her face behind it in shame.

"Why," Pein deadpans, "can I not send two members of my most notorious criminal organization out for a simple assassination, and not have them return without causing an international incident?"

Hidan and Deidara both try their most innocent smiles – which come out as pained grimaces. "Because we're special, un?"

After a moment of deep thought, the Leader stands, his expression inscrutable. "…Get out."

Hidan pales. "The fuck – you're not kicking us out, are you?" he asks incredulously.

Pein shakes his head, looking regretful. "I would love to, but it would be far too troublesome to replace two members at once."

"Go to the basement," Konan interjects, "and stay there for a while."

Hidan freezes, obviously pained. "But there's going to be a fucking war!"

Deidara rocks back and forth, disturbed. "And I'm really good at blowing their shit up, un!"

"Go, or I'll have Itachi cut out your spleens and use them for lampshades," The Leader decrees mildly.

Obligingly, Itachi unearths a kunai from an inner pocket of his cloak and begins twirling it through his fingers.

"Fucker," Hidan mutters, as they slink out of the lair resentfully. "We helped you."

Deidara attempts to mimic Sakura's most appealing pout on his way out. It doesn't work out all that well.

After they are gone, Konan sighs. "What are we going to do?"

Pein closes his eyes again, in thought. "Do we have the resources to undergo a full-fledged war with Sound and win?"

"Not at the moment," Kisame answers, before nodding toward Itachi. "Latest report from Zetsu is that his brother has Orochimaru sealed – inside his head. Or something. And Sasuke's going around freeing all of his prisoners and starting a Let's-Kill-Itachi club. What a jackass. Anyway, it could be a worrying prospect, but we don't want to risk any of our members in fights against an unknown number of dangerous and genetically altered teenagers."

Tobi gives a heartfelt shudder at the very thought.

Itachi blinks once. "…Foolish little brother, associating with the wrong sorts of people."

Kisame considers pointing out that Itachi had been the one who joined a notorious terrorist organization of S-ranked criminals at the mere age of thirteen, but decides against it.

Pein leans his head on his hand, deep in thought. "Konoha and Suna," he says at last, "are at war with Sound. None of the other villages are."

Konan's eyes widen slightly in understanding. "You don't mean to say—"

"An alliance would be on strictly temporary terms," Pein muses aloud. "I am aware that we are enemies of the aforementioned villages, but they have sustained heavy casualties during the years of the war—"

"—And they are in no position to be picky about whom they ally themselves with," Kisame completes the thought, smiling in a decidedly shark-ish manner.

"If they are wise," Itachi adds quietly, and the crimson light of the Sharingan flickers on, seemingly of its own accord, "then they will even welcome the idea of having such formidable allies."

Konan smiles slightly, crafting a delicate green leaf, and blowing it over to Pein. "Mutually beneficial – an excellent idea, indeed."

Pein inclines his head minutely, catching the leaf, and inspecting it between his fingers. "I will draft a missive to the Godaime Hokage immediately."

Tobi claps his hands and cheers. "Yay, guys! Does this mean we're all going to be friends?"

Konan takes pity on the swirly-masked innocent and leans over to pat his hand. "In essence, yes."

Tobi's sole visible eye glows with anticipation, and he opens his mouth to speak, a positively amazing idea brewing in his mind—

Pein lifts his hand wearily. "No sleepovers."

Tobi deflates, thoroughly dejected.

-

After Leader-sama dismisses them, claiming a need for peace and quiet in order to write his letter to the Hokage, Itachi and Kisame retreat to their room, quietly discussing the impact and implications of the events of that day.

"Isn't that insane?" Kisame flops down on his bed, automatically reaching for Samehada and his sharpening rock.

Itachi paces back and forth between the window and the wall, half expecting to see his foolish little brother popping up in the middle of the neighboring mint fields with his posse of genetically altered and equally foolish teenage allies. "What?"

The rock makes a sickening sound as Kisame scrapes it against the razor-sharp blade. "Well, on your date with Sakura two nights ago—"

"It was not a date, apparently," Itachi interrupts, in a monotone.

Kisame frowns. "Fine. On your – socializing-dinner-thing with Sakura, one of the reasons she said she couldn't go out with you was because of the whole we're-enemies-of-her-country status. And now, exactly two days later, it turns out that we're at war with Sound; the same country her people are at war with. Which, technically, makes the Akatsuki and Konoha unlikely allies."

Itachi begins idly twirling one of his long daggers. "How very curious."

Kisame raises an eyebrow at him wordlessly.

"Do not go there, Kisame – that is one of the only ways I communicate; therefore, it is natural to assume that I am able to convey a great deal more information with a simple eyebrow raise than you can," Itachi drawls, bored.

The shark-man chokes, indignant. "What – oh, fine, whatever. You can keep your stupid eyebrow raising, anyway. You know what I'm getting at."

Itachi raises an eyebrow, proving that he is, indeed, capable of conveying a great deal of information within a single twitch of a facial muscle. "As a matter of fact, I do not, actually, know what you are getting at."

In a rare moment of frustration, Kisame throws his pillow at Itachi; the Uchiha dodges it easily, before leaning against the wall. Kisame fidgets. "Are you sure that you didn't, uh – send a shadow clone over to Sasuke's little buddies and somehow send them in the direction of Hidan and Deidara, knowing that two volatile individuals like them couldn't resist a fight?"

A ghost of a smile flickers over Itachi's features. "Why, Kisame, would I ever do something like that?"

The shark-man drops his sharpening rock in shock. "Oh, my Buddha! You did! You freakin' started an international incident just to win over your girl!"

Itachi smirks, returning to his bed. "You said it, not me. However, I neither confirm or deny your theory."

Kisame leans back, regarding his partner with a look that is a complex mixture between awe and horror. "You're a sick and twisted and determined man, Uchiha Itachi."

Even from his easily reclining position, Itachi's dagger hits the center of the bull's eye placed on the wall on his first attempt. "Tell me something I am not already aware of, Kisame."

-

Konoha

-

It is an innocent enough and completely unassuming afternoon in Konoha, until the black raven flies in through the Godaime Hokage's open office window. This is not a shockingly unusual occurrence in itself – she is completely accustomed to receiving letters from various other Kage around the world, not to mention potential clients.

Tsunade is reclining in her chair, relaxed; when she sees the bird halt at the windowsill, glancing around the unfamiliar office quizzically, she smiles a little and snaps her fingers. "Come here, little birdie."

The raven obliges, coming to rest on the arm of her chair, and she reaches toward the letter it holds in its beak, marveling at how well-trained the animal is. It is unfamiliar, though, without the small golden tag around the neck bearing the emblem of the Hidden Village it is from—

Then Tsunade notices the maroon cloud embossed on the raven's black collar, and promptly turns five shades paler.

-

Sakura is completely intent on guiding her chakra-covered hands over the wounds slashed over the unconscious Aburame Shino's back, when Konohamaru barrels into the medical inspection room at high speeds, gasping for breath.

If she hadn't been such a naturally stoic individual, Sakura might have screeched at this highly unexpected interruption; as it is, she has to restrain herself from throwing a scalpel at him in surprise. "Konohamaru, what – you're supposed to be at the Academy!"

The irrepressible Konohamaru spares a moment to give her a grin. "Gets out early on Fridays, Sakura-nee-san! Anyway, Hokage-sama sent me to get you – she says it's important."

Sakura looks at Shino dubiously, but the slash marks have completely healed over, and now all he needs is a little rest. "Stay here and watch him," she instructs the younger boy. "And if he wakes, pour him some water from the pitcher, please?"

Konohamaru salutes her and bows near flat to the floor as she hurries out, on the way to Tsunade-shisou's office.

The door is open; she finds Shikamaru and Neji there already, as head tactician and ANBU Captain, they would be the first to know what had happened, and they move aside for her to stand between them. A few moments later, Morino Ibiki and Ino, his apprentice in the art of Interrogations and Questioning, join them. After bowing to the Hokage, Ino gives Sakura a questioning look, and Sakura shrugs back.

She is just as lost as her best friend, until Sakura happens to notice the sheet of paper that Tsunade holds in her hands. Cream colored paper, with black lines that are spaced roughly an inch apart, and emblazoned with clusters of maroon clouds on each of the four corners.

Akatsuki memo paper.

At that particular moment, Sakura tries her best to avoid dropping dead of sheer surprise.

"Now that we're all here," Tsunade begins, glancing around at her top shinobi. "Well, all of you who were already in the Tower, anyway—" She hesitates, wondering how to word this. "…It turns out that Sound has officially declared war on the Akatsuki, and vice versa."

Ibiki and Shikamaru actually choke, and Ino's eyes widen to the size of small dinner plates as she swivels around to face her best friend. Sakura has the unfortunate impression that her features have just followed suit, even as she jerks her chin toward the Hokage's desk, reminding Ino of the need for discretion.

In contrast, Neji's pale eyes narrow. "This is completely unprecedented, Tsunade-sama. The Akatsuki's primary interest is hunting down the tailed beasts – they have never engaged in warfare with an entire country before."

Sakura clears her throat, willing her voice to remain under control. "Ah, Tsunade-shishou? What triggered this sudden declaration of war?"

The Hokage glances back down at Pein's letter and frowns. "Apparently two of their members were returning from an operation, and were confronted by Sound shinobi with killing intent. Somehow, the Akatsuki crossed into the borders of Sound, and during the subsequent conflict, one of them ended up blowing up their largest military base, and everything and everyone in it – with a massive clay explosive device."

Deidara, Sakura thinks, and Ibiki whistles, astonished. "The one we've been attempting to infiltrate and decimate for months? One of them took it out in a day?"

"Yes," Tsunade says absentmindedly. "Their Leader proposes a temporary alliance," – she pauses – "the idea of working with enemies of our village is an extreme and somewhat distasteful proposition, but…"

"Whatever works," Shikamaru replies succinctly. "They may be the scourges of evil, but they're good at what they do. And we can't afford to lose any more of our own people – or waste any more of our resources – on Sound."

He looks around at the others; Neji nods tightly, Ibiki and Ino echo their assent, and Sakura is next to follow, even though she feels rather weak at the knees.

"Very well," Tsunade says grimly. "I will consult the elders about it within the next fifteen minutes, but I'm sure that they will be wise enough to see it as you do. You all are dismissed for the day."

Neji and Shikamaru leave first, heads bowed in quiet, intent conversation, and Ino practically grabs Sakura's arm and drags her out of the office. "What the hell, forehead girl?" Ino hisses, as soon as they are a safe distance away.

"What?" Sakura asks indignantly. "This is as big as a surprise to me as it is to everyone else!"

They clear the double doors of Hokage Tower, stepping out into the afternoon sunshine, and Ino sighs mightily. "Sakura. Don't you think that it's just a tiny bit weird that during your little date—"

"Not a date!" Sakura interrupts, flailing agitatedly.

"—Fine, socializing-dinner-thingy with Itachi, you basically told him that the primary reason you wouldn't date him was the whole enemy-of-our-village thing, and now…" Ino trails off meaningfully.

Sakura blanches. "Oh, my Buddha, Ino, be serious. It's just a freakish coincidence."

"No, Sakura, happening to run into him at a fish market would be a freakish coincidence! This is something more!" The blonde kunoichi gestures dramatically, nearly smacking a passing child upside the head. "This is, like, divine interference!"

Sakura promptly grabs a spray bottle from a nearby street vendor, squirts it onto her best friend a few times, and sets it back down, ignoring Ino's shrieks of indignation. "This is so not divine interference," she informs the other young woman haughtily. "I highly doubt the gods would sanction such an unholy affair – hell, he's like the poster boy for Evil!"

"Not just evil, but Evil?" Ino asks dryly.

"Yes," Sakura attempts to assure her. "Therefore, not divine intervention. Freakish coincidence."

Ino sighs deeply. "Whatever, forehead girl. Look at it this way – either it's divine intervention by that weird Hidan guy's crazy god, or you have a guy who wants you enough to start an international war in an attempt to win your heart."

Much to Sakura's horror, Ino's eyes actually fill up with tears. "Isn't that just the most romantic thing?"

"Yes," Sakura acknowledges, after a few moments of deep thought. "When I was a mere girl of twelve years old, I always dreamed of the distant day in the future when dearest Sasuke-kun's scary, criminal older brother would kidnap me in order to heal his failing eyes, inexplicably develop some fascination with my innocent person, and then proceed to attempt to, uh – date me."

Ino nearly falls over upon being hit with the force of this deadpan. "You know, Sakura?" she says at last. "The world is split into two kinds of people. The kind who would start an international affair – one that has the possibility to end in disaster – for you, and the kind who…wouldn't. I'm one of the ones who would. Me, Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, Tsunade-sama, and probably even Sai. But now, it turns out that it isn't exactly a hypothetical situation; this guy, Itachi, actually did."

Sakura blinks, confused, and Ino pounces on the opportunity; she hugs her best friend farewell. "Later, Sakura. Think about it, and call me tonight if anything comes up."

And just like that, Ino is gone, leaving Sakura standing outside of her apartment, alone with her thoughts.

-

Sakura has been pacing around her small living space for an hour straight, when she finally collapses on her sofa, and rubs her aching forehead, thoroughly exhausted, and even more confused than she had been at the beginning of her little pacing spell.

As a thoroughly inadequate form of venting, Sakura kicks the leg of her coffee table viciously, imagining Itachi's face as a substitute. Uchiha freakin' Itachi. The man directly responsible for making her life – and the world at large – so problematic and troublesome, as Shikamaru would have put it.

What would the Akatsuki do?

The thought comes to Sakura suddenly, and she blinks. What the hell? She isn't supposed to be thinking about what the Akatsuki would do upon faced with an individual they found problematic, because they're an organization of evil criminal freaks, and therefore, hardly people to emulate.

Besides, the only things they could probably do would be to have Deidara blow something up, set Itachi and Kisame on the source of the problem like highly specialized and nasty attack dogs, or, in a really desperate, finesse-requiring situation, have Tobi do some of his stalkerish surveillance.

Sakura freezes.

In the next moment, Mr. Darcy, her beloved slug, is in her hands. He squelches a greeting, and Sakura picks him up and holds him to her eye level. "Mr. Darcy. I know this is a slightly strange request, but do you think that you could do some discreet surveillance for me?"

Mr. Darcy twitches one of his feelers in assent.

Sakura beams, squeezing him a little. "See, this is what I need you to do…"

-

Akatsuki Headquarters

-

Three kunai hit the center of the bulls-eye on the far side of the clearing at the exact same time, but Itachi sniffs, unsatisfied.

The sun is just beginning to slip underneath the horizon, and he activates the Sharingan and takes a step toward the targets, intending to retrieve them, when—

Squelch.

Itachi spins around, another kunai in hand. His sharp eyes catalogue every minute feature of the forest and clearing – nothing out of the ordinary, and he senses no foreign chakras in the vicinity. Still, his gaze narrows even further, as he takes one step forward.

Squelch.

Itachi's hand spasms of its own volition, and this time, the kunai in his grip embeds itself into the trunk of a nearby tree. Several rotting oranges fall from the leafy treetops, but nothing capable of creating that hideous sound.

Squelch.

The Uchiha prodigy's left eye twitches erratically.

Squelch.

Itachi snaps. "Genjutsu Kai!"

Silence.

Itachi allows himself the luxury of a condescending sneer – it is likely that his foolish little brother or some of his genetically altered friends may have placed several location-oriented genjutsu around the surrounding areas, and he had just happened to encounter one. He continues on his way to the target, when—

Squelch.

Itachi shudders deeply; this is not a mere genjutsu, but psychological warfare of the most blatant, basest type…

When the realization hits him, his eyes narrow again. Careful not to make any excessively sudden moves, he reaches into the inner pocket of his cloak, and slowly withdraws one of Konan's chocolate chip cookies. It is a few days old, but still retains its distinctive scent, which is all he needs.

Itachi sits down, cross-legged, in the center of the clearing, holding the cookie in the palm of his hand…and waiting.

One minute passes. Then two. And then three.

Itachi hears a squelch of longing, so soft he can barely hear it, come from underneath a pile of leaves about five feet away. He smirks, and then reaches forward, placing the cookie in front of the pile of leaves in question.

Two more minutes pass, before Itachi has the satisfaction of seeing one feeler tentatively extricate itself from the leaves and twitch in the direction of the offered cookie. He takes a deep breath, and holds it.

Under the impression that the coast is clear, Mr. Darcy-or-Dorian-Gray the slug emerges from the pile of leaves, oozing in anticipation of his favorite treat. He inches forward, squelching slightly, his feelers straining toward the cookie—

And then, quite abruptly, he feels a familiar pair of icy cold hands curl around his squishy midsection and lift him up, until he meets an equally familiar crimson-and-black glare. "Dorian Gray," Itachi pronounces slowly, "we meet again."

Dorian Gray gives a thoroughly alarmed squelch.

-

Sakura is attacking her punching bag with rapid strikes powered by brute force alone, when she feels the familiar tug on her chakra. The kunoichi abandons her punching bag with a smirk, pulling her customary chakra-enhancing gloves back on. That hadn't taken too long at all.

Following her slug summons' trail isn't hard; she uses the simple jutsu Tsunade-shishou had taught her, and within a few moments, she is standing in the middle of a clearing that she knows to be outside of Akatsuki Headquarters – completely alone.

Sakura frowns slightly; where's Mr. Darcy?

Almost as soon as the thought itself completes within her mind, she finds herself pinned against the trunk of a tree, a hairsbreadth away from Uchiha Itachi himself.

He takes advantage of her obvious surprise to smirk, and to her indignation, he lifts her slug up, as it oozes all over a chocolate chip cookie in obvious contentment. "Why, Sakura," Itachi deadpans. "If you wanted to see me so badly, you could have just written a letter."

Sakura's jaw drops, and her face burns with indignation. "What the—what did you do to Mr. Darcy? And I didn't want to see you!"

Itachi blinks, looking toward the slug he holds. "Mr. Darcy? What sort of name is Mr. Darcy? And I did not do anything to Dorian Gray; he just proved himself susceptible to certain forms of persuasion."

"How dare you blackmail my slug with a chocolate chip cookie!" Sakura screeches, losing her composure. "And what the hell is a Dorian Gray?"

The two of them glare at each other for a few minutes; sensing disquietude, and suffering from the impending fear that two S-ranked shinobi might play tug-of-war with him at any moment now, Dorian-Gray-Mr.-Darcy inches off to his pile of leaves, taking the cookie with him.

Sakura watches him go, and Itachi takes the moment to collect his usual poise. "Sakura," he says smoothly. "To what do I owe the honor of your visit?"

Sakura scoffs, and advances on him, poking him in the clavicle. "Don't get all sarcastic on me, Uchiha. Word on the street is that – that…"

Itachi raises an eyebrow elegantly. "What?"

"That you started this thing!" Sakura whispers, gesturing dramatically. "Don't you think it's just a teensy bit coincidental that on our date-thing, I told you we couldn't, you know, go out, because of our villages being enemies – and two days later, we're suddenly on the same side against Sound?"

Itachi merely smirks, looking off into the distance. "…Ah. You admit that it was a date."

Sakura comes remarkably close to uprooting the nearest tree and beating him over the head with it, but after a few moments of executing Kisame's breathing exercises, her strangled snarls finally quiet. "It doesn't matter if it was a date or whatever. What matters is whether you knowingly started an international incident or not."

Itachi folds his arms, regarding the irate kunoichi impassively. "How is that an issue?"

Sakura's glare resurfaces, and she crosses her arms right back, regarding him wordlessly.

Surprisingly, Itachi is the first to give way, and he sighs, looking away from the setting sun. "Sakura. I will be the first to admit that do not give up easily, and I stop at nothing to get what I want."

The pink-haired kunoichi blinks at this bit of introspection. "…Is that an answer?" she asks uncertainly.

Itachi glances down at her. "It is whatever you want it to be."

As if by mutual agreement, they leave the shade of the clearing, stepping out into the familiar mint fields. The odor is as overwhelmingly clean and fresh as it had been previously, and Itachi cannot help but cough again; when he looks up, he finds a smile hovering at the edges of Sakura's mouth, as if she is remembering that particular night as well.

"You're an irrational individual, you know," Sakura sighs, as she sinks to her knees among the Stone Mint plants. "I'll make sure to add that to my book."

Itachi makes a small sound of disagreement in the back of his throat as he follows suit. "Quite the contrary; I am a highly controlled and rational individual, and I never perform any actions without a logical list of highly sound reasons behind them."

"Oh, really?" Sakura glances at him. "Would you care to explain yourself on this one incidence?"

One corner of his mouth lifts. "Doing so would go against all of my most deeply held principles."

Sakura cannot help but laugh, as she directs a look over to the concealed location of the Akatsuki Headquarters. "I bet if somebody told you a year ago that you would ever want to date somebody, you would have told them that that went against all of your most deeply held principles."

Itachi frowns his displeasure at the accuracy of her statement. "…Very well. Sound is proving itself a nuisance to everything and everybody, as it always has. The war between Sound and the Leaf has been dragging on for years, at a complete deadlock. What it needed was the introduction of a new element, intended to shift the delicate balance from one side to the other." He pauses, regarding his companion. "As the new element in question tips the scales in your favor, I am surprised that you are voicing your concern over this matter."

Sakura blushes a little. "Whatever. I'm just surprised you would do something so…selfless."

There is a flicker of amusement in his eyes. "I have not acknowledged that I had any role to play in this. We are discussing this in a purely hypothetical manner, of course. And selfless would never be a word used to describe me accurately, Sakura."

"Of course," Sakura rolls her eyes, and continues, without thinking her following statement through properly. "So if you were the catalyzing factor of all these events, what would you have to gain?"

The Sharingan fades from his eyes, leaving them as black as night, as Itachi regards her in silence, and Sakura gulps minutely. …Maybe that hadn't been the best thing to ask.

"I think you know very well what I would have to gain," Itachi comments softly, meeting her gaze.

Apprentice of the Godaime Hokage and legendary kunoichi in her own right nevertheless, Sakura drops her gaze to the mint leaves beneath her. "Maybe I do."

The silence between them is heavy and the night is almost sickeningly beautiful, and Itachi racks the remarkable entirety of his intellect, very well aware that this is what Kisame would call the opportune moment to strike.

Itachi leans forward, still a little uncertain of what exactly he is going to do—

—Sakura mirrors his movement, almost instinctually—

—And then a giant clay bomb goes off, Deidara's slightly maniacal laughter echoes throughout the entire area, and there is the distant sound of Tobi giggling.

"Fucking no, bitches!" Hidan's chakra-amplified roar joins the echoes of Deidara's laughter. "Take that, you genetically altered teenage pansies! That's right, I went there! Expect no mercy and accept your fucking doom, bitches! That's going to teach you to genjutsu our special lake!"

Itachi blinks.

Despite having never watched a single episode of ANBU Romance in his entire life, and being a complete and utter romancephobe, on top of that, Itachi is familiar with the concept of the moment. Not excessively familiar at all, but familiar enough to know that there had been one. And it had just effectively been shattered, trampled on, chewed up, and spat out.

Sakura laughs nervously and pats him on the arm, almost unable to believe the magnitude of what had almost happened – while recovering her senses and slowly and steadily inching away from him. "Um. Itachi. I'll, uh, talk to you later, okay?"

"Sakura—" Itachi's grip closes around her wrist, but he is a fraction of a second too late, and he catches nothing but a single cherry blossom.

Itachi stares after her for a few moments, taking care to keep his features as expressionless as always, even in solitude.

A small, forlorn squelch sounds at his feet, and the Uchiha prodigy looks down to find Dorian Gray. Stifling a sigh, he leans down and picks up the slug. "…Kisame would likely tell me that this is the practical application of the theory of karma," he says, at length.

Dorian Gray squelches in sympathy, and rubs one of his feelers against Itachi's knuckles.

-

"There you are, Itachi," Kisame comments, as soon as he sees his partner enter Headquarters, cradling Sakura's slug. "We were worried; some of Sasuke's genetically altered little friends were skulking around our eastern territories, putting genjutsu around the lake—"

"—And then I blew them up, un!" Deidara chirps, evidently having been released from his imprisonment in the basement. "It was fucking awesome, un!"

"And then I cussed the pansy-ass little bastards out," Hidan completes proudly, before he takes note of the Uchiha's expression. "What are you looking like that for, little red-eye?"

Itachi sets Dorian Gray down on the kitchen table silently, before advancing on them, and Hidan and Deidara cringe back against the refrigerator, as the Sharingan fires into life. "What the hell, un, are you even aware of how creepy it is when you do the little conjunctivitis-eye-thingy—"

"Oh, I am very aware indeed," Itachi grits out menacingly.

-

Pein and Konan are in the main lair, reading over the Godaime Hokage's return correspondence, when the relative peace is interrupted by several screeches of agony.

"Again?" Pein asks, without batting an eyelid. "Itachi has been rather moody since this latent hormonal awakening, don't you think?"

Konan considers this. "I suppose; bless his little heart. It would be wise for me to check in, anyway."

The blue-haired kunoichi glides over to the kitchen – Hidan and Deidara are lying on the floor, peacefully unconscious, Kisame is drinking Vitamin Water out of the bottle and watching, amused, and Itachi hurriedly returns the steak knife he had been attempting to pocket into the drawer.

"What did they do this time, 'Tachi-chan?" Konan inquires, pulling Hidan and Deidara upright and arranging them into chairs.

Itachi sighs deeply, before picking up the slug and proceeding upstairs. "I cannot bring myself to speak about it."

Once he is safely out of sight, Konan turns to Kisame and raises an eyebrow. "One bottle of Vitamin Water says that Tachi-chan just got his first kiss interrupted – or, judging from the damage," – she smoothes a lock of hair away from Deidara's eyes – "preempted."

Kisame snorts, setting aside his Vitamin Water. "No thanks – I'm not stupid enough to take that one."

"I heard that," Itachi's voice echoes down from the top of the staircase—

—And Konan and Kisame both pale drastically. "Ah, ANBU Romance?" Kisame suggests, fleeing to the main lair.

"Of course," Konan agrees wholeheartedly, before hastily following suit.

Haha, poor Itachi and Sakura.

They might get their chance in the next chapter though. Maybe. Possibly. Perhaps. Just sayin'. :D

Feedback very much appreciated!