Here Now

My vision had begun to blur from keeping my eyes open for so long, Steve's unreadable stare having held mine for the past several minutes. I had been too afraid to blink after my confession, knowing that even the slightest movement would break Steve from his reverie and send him on a tirade. The sting had become unbearable, however, so with a sigh I finally turned away from him and back to the empty wall in front of us. It was quiet for only a moment longer before I heard his deep breath.

"Talk to me."

I closed my eyes with a groan. Thanks to our little staring contest, they had been left stinging from lack of moisture, causing them to produce their own in the form of tears that pooled along the rims. I refused to let them slip over my cheeks, hating the weak feeling they left me with – hating that this was simply another thing I had absolutely no control over.

The tears remained in place as long as my eyes were closed, so that's how I left them as I sucked in a long breath through my nose. My voice was unintentionally quiet, though the words remained firm. "Before I met Erskine, my life was pretty damn near perfect. I lived in a big, beautiful house. I had servants that took care of everything from cleaning up after me to arranging my daily schedule. I had all the money in the world at my disposal, which left all the resources I could ever need to invent with at my fingertips. I had better friends than I thought I deserved. I was happy.

"And then that German idiot with the stupid mustache and obscured world views had to come around and fuck everything up. When the war started, Howard and I knew we had to do something. Not really because we were good people, but because we thought it would be interesting – the only reason we ever did anything. So we helped found the SSR. That was when I met Erskine, and things slowly started going downhill.

"It only took three months to get approved for animal testing, but that was where we would be stuck for the next two years. No matter how many tweaks we made, nothing survived the serum. At first the rats would simply die from some kind of toxins. Then they started to mutate, and become rabid. We had to put those down. It wasn't particularly nasty until the last batch. It seemed to be going perfectly – they were in obvious pain, but by then we were willing to pay that price if only it meant the serum worked. It didn't."

I readjusted the position I was sitting in, dropping my feet to dangle over the edge of the desk as I straightened my back out with an audible pop. I hadn't sat down with the intention of story-telling, but now that I had started I knew I wouldn't stop until everything was out in the open. Steve had changed positions too, turning to face me with one leg propped against the desk – his knee dangerously close to pressing into my hip – with the other foot planted on the ground. He was silent as he waited for me to continue my story, his features set in an emotionless mask.

"Howard was the one to figure out the problem. They were mutating too quickly – so quickly that their bodies couldn't handle it. They were generating new muscle faster than the old could be replaced. The solution seemed blatantly simple, though actually developing it would prove to be much more difficult – the Vita-Rays. If we could somehow speed up the body's process of regeneration with natural ingredients that wouldn't interfere with the serum itself… All our problems would be solved. So, of course, we started developing the technology right away.

"We spent the next fourteen months working on it, Howard and I. We didn't eat, didn't sleep – all that mattered was the science. We were in our element. But somewhere along the way…" I waved a hand over my body with a sad smile, chuckling humorlessly. "The radiation we had been working with decided that it liked me just a little too much to be left in the lab. The symptoms came slowly, at first.

"Little purple bruises on my arms and chest that hadn't been there before, that I didn't remember ever getting. A dry throat that couldn't be solved with all the water in the world. Hair getting stuck between my fingers when I ran them over my head. Forgetting why I had walked into a room, or where I had placed something that was still in my hands. I thought that I was just stressed – that going days at a time with little to no sleep were finally taking their toll. Obviously, I was wrong.

"I only realized what was happening a few weeks before you came. Deciding to keep my impending death a secret was a difficult decision. I couldn't remember a single time before that I had ever lied to Howard, even about a little thing. But when he asked me what was wrong, concern in his eyes and voice… I couldn't bring myself to hurt him.

"So I lied. For two years, I lied to everybody while I got worse. Erskine eventually figured it out, but by then it was too late, so I made him promise to keep it to himself. I convinced him that there was nothing he could do, that everything we had worked for up to that point was more important than some measly nausea and fainting spells. He wasn't happy, but he obliged. He started lying for me.

"After that, well… You know most of the story after that. Erskine was murdered. I took years of hard work and tried to recreate it within a matter of months. It wouldn't work as well, but it would be enough for the time being. Ever since I woke up, though…"

I trailed off towards the end of my speech, the memories I had dredged up from the dusty corners of my mind replaying themselves on repeat. I realized that Natasha must have left the room at some point as she hadn't yet interrupted us, and for that I silently thanked her. It wasn't as if my past was a secret or that I wanted to keep it from her, but that story had been meant for Steve and nobody else.

Steve had remained still and silent throughout the entirety of it. His eyes rested on me now, though I kept mine glued to my feet swaying slightly above the ground. The way I was seated felt childish, with my feet kicking back and forth, but I made no attempts to change it.

For a while, I wasn't sure how Steve would respond – if at all – but when he did, I hadn't expected his voice to sound so angry. "What? You wish that you hadn't saved yourself?"

His voice had come out as a harsh whisper, which only seemed to leave a stronger impact than if he had yelled. I finally looked up at his words, seeing the first bit of emotion he had allowed himself to show since we sat down. I had hurt him. Immediately I wanted to retract everything I had said, to laugh it off and tell him that I was simply being dramatic.

But I didn't.

"No," I tried to explain. "I don't wish that. I just mean that… Everything used to be so much easier. And with everything that's happened to us over the last two years – all the pain and bloodshed that's consumed the world – sometimes I just wish that I hadn't ever left the time that I belonged in because, if we're being honest, I don't belong here, Steve. I thought that I could handle being a spy and a soldier, all the killing and the lies, but I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"Steve – "

Steve slid off the table to stand in front of me, pressing his hands next to mine on the table as he stared me down. His hard gaze held no compassion, no understanding. This was a look I only ever saw on Steve before he went into battle, and he wore it now as his eyes held mine.

"Yes, you can. You have worked too hard, and too long to give up on yourself now, Jo, so I'm not going to sit here any longer and let you talk down to yourself. You recreated that serum because you knew you had something to live for – something to fight for. It is not your fault that you were thrown into a war you were never trained for, and you can only be commended for how you've handled the outcome. Any lesser man or woman would have given up a long time ago, but not you. You have always fought, and you have always fought for good.

"We're here now, and there's nothing either of us can do about that. I know how much you miss everything you had. I do too. But we're here now. And despite all the odds, we're here together. We're fighting together. And I don't know about you, but there's nobody else I would rather be fighting with than you.

"It's okay to miss what you had. It is not okay to give up on what you have, and what you have is a new home, new resources, new friends. And you have me. I'm not giving up, Jo. I'm not going to let you give up, either. So are you going to get off this desk and help me take down Hydra for good, or are you going to keep wishing you could change things you have no control over anymore?"

It certainly wasn't the typical pick-me-up speech I was used to from Steve, but somehow his cold words and unforgiving glare seemed to be exactly what I needed. I didn't need to be coddled. I needed facts. And the facts were that I was here, and I was giving up. Not anymore.

"You're right," I admitted. "I've come too far to give up now. But that goes both ways, Rogers." His eyebrows twitched in confusion while my arms crossed over my chest. "You may not have given up on yourself, and you can say that you're not giving up on me, but we both know that you've been headed down that path."

"I'm not – "

"I will always want you to protect me," I interrupted, not allowing him to speak before I finished. "That's what we do – protect each other. But that doesn't include keeping me out of the fight. I didn't take a seventy-year-nap just to wake up and be put under house arrest. As long as I'm fighting, I'm going to be fighting next to you. I don't do well on the sidelines, so don't try to keep me there."

He nodded understandingly. "Deal. For as long as you're willing to fight, it'll be by my side."

"And no more lies," I tacked on with a poke to his chest. "We both know I don't react well to being kept out of the loop. If you want me to trust you, you have to be honest. I don't ask for much, Steve, but that is a deal-breaker. If you can't trust me enough to fill me in on what's happening, then how am I supposed to trust you in return?"

Steve's lips twitched into a frown, though whether it was from guilt or me forbidding him from lying in the future I couldn't be quite sure. Still, he agreed. "That's fair. No more secrets, from either of us."

I slowly pushed myself off the desk, standing chest to chest with Steve as he looked down at me as a small but sincere smile settled on my lips. "Then by all means. Lead the way, Cap."

My smile reflected onto his face as he nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

He turned to step away, but was stopped by my hand on his wrist. When he turned back, I raised an eyebrow at him. "The next time you get that close to me, there better be some kissing involved. Otherwise I might just have to hurt you."

"You always did know how to ruin a perfectly good dramatic moment."

My grin twisted up into a smirk as I shrugged, releasing his arm to join his side as we walked in the direction I assumed Natasha had disappeared to. "It's a talent."

I know it was a little shorter than usual, and we didn't get to see Zola as promised, but this seemed like a good place to end the chapter. We'll get around to him in the next one, where secrets will be revealed and – as always – more drama will ensue. How could it not? This is Marvel we're talking about.

I hope you enjoyed seeing a bit more into Steve and Jo's past and perspectives. Reviews are appreciated, and I will try to update sooner – but no promises, unfortunately.

See you in the next one.