Chapter 10
The next day, Jacob and I just enjoyed each other's company. We watched movies together, and just hung out. It was nice to just be able to have a chill day with him. And we had finally had sex with each other. I learned that it was in fact better to wait; you could appreciate it so much more that way.
He held me tight against him. And it felt more than a little protective.
I smiled up at him. "Someone's protective today."
He returned my smile. "With good reason to be."
I snuggled as close to him as I could get. I never wanted to leave his side.
Going back to work tomorrow would be absolute torture.
As it turns out, going back to work wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. It was a slow day. I sat outside with Tanya on my break, smoking a cigarette.
"I heard what happened, are you okay?" she asked.
I stared at her, wide-eyed. "Does the entire restaurant know?"
"No," she said. "Joey knows that you and I are close, so he only told me. I covered for you while you were off."
"Oh, thanks," I said. "If you ever need time off, don't hesitate to ask me. I owe you."
She smiled. "I'll remember that. But are you okay?"
I nodded. "I just…I can't believe I was so weak."
"I know the feeling. An addiction to that shit never really goes away," she said. "You'll still get cravings, but trust me; professional help will do you good."
"My boyfriend is a cop, does that count as professional help?" I asked.
She shook her head, smiling. "No. I know you don't want to get professional help, but trust me, it's easier. Without it, you'll probably just keep relapsing."
"How do you know?" I couldn't help but ask.
"First-hand experience," she said.
This surprised me. "You did coke?"
She nodded. "It was a long time ago. The addiction is like bulimia, it never really goes away. You'll always get small cravings to do it, but after a while it's easier to control that."
"Do you still get cravings?" I asked.
She nodded. "Yeah, I do, but through rehab it helps, it helps you think about all the reasons not to."
I bit my lip. I had had no idea that Tanya had gone through that. I also really didn't want to go to rehab. I felt like if I did, I would be giving in, and letting the addiction take control. I know it sounded silly, but I felt that if I did go to rehab it would be giving the addiction control. It would be my admitting that the drugs had taken such a strong hold on my life.
"It's a pride thing, I completely get it," she said. "It took me so long to give in and go to rehab, but once I did, it was so much better. You get to know that there are people out there who understand you, and who may be going through exactly the same thing."
"I wouldn't want to stay there," I said, feeling all too vulnerable. I should just shut up and leave it.
"You don't have to stay there," she said. "The one I went to was just something you'd go to, twice a week, or more times-whatever you decide. They do offer to let you stay there full time, but that's just an option."
"I guess I'll look into it," I said. "If you really think it'll work…"
"I do, Bella." She said. "I tried to get over it the same way you are, it doesn't work. You'll just keep going back to it."
By that time it was time for us to go back into work, so I couldn't talk to Tanya any more about it, but throughout my entire shift I couldn't help but think about it. Would rehab be good for me? I didn't want to admit to needing any help. But would it be beneficial for me to go into it?
I knew that I needed help, but I didn't want to accept it. I wanted to show that I was stronger than my addiction; I wanted to show that I actually could do it myself.
That night, Jacob picked me up from work, and I leaned back against the seat of the car and closed my eyes. Even though it hadn't been a busy day, I was still exhausted.
"Are you okay?" Jacob's worried voice floated over to me.
"I'm fine," I said. "Just tired. It's hard to get back into the swing of things."
I opened one way to peek at him; he was looking at me worriedly.
"Jacob, I'm fine," I said. "I'm just tired. I promise."
"But if anything…" he said.
"I'll tell you," I said. "I'm not going to keep it a secret from you, not anymore."
"Why did you keep it from me in the first place?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I guess I was ashamed…and I wanted to quit on my own. I didn't want help. I still don't."
"Let me help you," he pleaded.
"I'm open to that," I said. "I just…I don't think I want to go to rehab."
He cast a sidelong glance at me. "Are you sure?"
"Not yet," I said. "I want to see if I can do it myself first."
"So it'll take you to binge again to make you go to rehab?" he asked, I could hear anger lacing his tone.
I recoiled. That hurt.
"I…I didn't mean it like that," I said. "I meant that if a craving gets to be too bad, I'll go to rehab then."
He exhaled deeply. "I think that it would be better for you to go to rehab now."
I shook my head. "Jacob, let me try this my way…please."
"I don't want what just happened to you happen again," he said. I could hear the protectiveness clear in his voice. "It was so hard to see you like that, Bella."
"So you would rather I go to rehab?" I asked. "You'd rather force me into something that I'm obviously not comfortable with?"
"I don't want to force you," he said. "It's completely your choice, but I'm just telling you what I'd rather see for you."
I leaned back against the seat. I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually get over this addiction on my own. I had to.
We were both quiet. I could tell he was waiting for me to say something, but I didn't know what to say. Jacob wouldn't be happy with me regardless of what I said.
Tanya's words floated back to me. It helps you think about all the reasons not to.
What were my reasons not to use? I could really only think of one. Jacob. It was kind of sad to think that Jacob was really the only reason I didn't want to use. It's not like I didn't have the money, my job gave me pretty good pay, and Jacob was paid really well at his job, so he refused to let me pitch in to pay the rent. The only thing that was stopping me from using was the prospect of losing Jacob.
We were both quiet as we went up to the apartment together. I could tell that he was thinking really deeply about…well probably about the same things I was thinking about. I'm sure Jacob thought that if I relapsed it'd be worse than last time, and I could possibly end up dead. Which was true. I had almost died last time, and I hadn't been in control. I, on the other hand, was thinking about if I binged again, I could lose Jacob. He would probably leave me, or force me into rehab. If I binged again, I knew that it would never be the same between us again.
I really didn't want to ruin what I had with him. I hadn't had this sort of relationship with anyone in my entire life. The way I felt about Jacob scared me. It went so much deeper than anything I had ever had with anyone else. I could tell that he actually cared about me-and I wasn't used to that. It made me wonder if Jacob actually would leave me if I binged again. I knew how much he cared for me, but would that be a factor if I did end up binging again? He would probably leave me to teach me not to binge again-no matter how much it would hurt him to do so.
The atmosphere in the apartment was tense to say the least. It was almost like we had gotten into a huge fight. I could tell Jacob was thinking hard about what could happen to me, and I was only really thinking about what could happen to us.
"Are you hungry?" he asked, I could hear the tension in his voice.
I shook my head. "I'm alright for now."
He went into the kitchen and I sat on the couch. I felt tense and just plain weird. Yeah we had argued a bit in the car, but I hadn't thought that it would result in us barely speaking. A thought struck me-what if Jacob was considering breaking up with me? Maybe he would see that I was too much trouble for him. Maybe he would realize that I didn't deserve him-that he didn't need to put up with all the baggage that came with me.
Jacob
Bella's reluctance to go to rehab was really getting to me. I had seen people die from overdoses. I had witnessed it with my own eyes. I had seen families and relationships literally ripped apart because of addictions. I didn't understand why Bella wouldn't just take the help she so desperately needed. I could see that she didn't want to admit to needing any help at all, but it isn't like she had to completely throw her pride away for seeking help.
I knew that she trusted me, but I couldn't be the one to completely help her. I wasn't a professional in this type of thing. I wasn't trained to help people overcome addictions. That wasn't my job. I knew that she wanted me to be able to help her, but how could I when that wasn't what I was qualified to do? How could I aid her in an area that I didn't have much experience in? The most I had done was take a person to the hospital or talk them through what had happened to them. I wasn't an addiction counsellor.
We were both quiet in the apartment, I didn't know what to say to her. I wanted to say something-I wanted to say anything that would make this right, but the image of her in that hospital bed was stuck in the back of my mind. I couldn't get that image out of my head, and it terrified me. I didn't want to see her like that again. Or worse-I didn't want to see her in a coffin.
I had seen people, even younger than us, overdose and die. If that happened to Bella…
Last time she binged, she had taken too much. I was lucky that she was alive right now, I was lucky that woman had called me and discovered her. If I had just been a few mere hours later than I had been…
I worried about her. I worried about her a lot. I didn't want anything to happen to her, but I knew that something very easily could happen to her. Would it be better for her if I was away from her? Would that be easier for her to get over it? I wasn't completely sure. She had told me that I helped her feel better, but was that true? I wasn't too sure.