"More tea, Pelly my dear?" A loud voice asked, cheerfully lilting.

Kyrike's vision slowly returned. He looked around. It appeared that he had been warped to a strange sanctuary. Several leafless trees swayed in the wind, their lifeless branches scraping against each other. The area was shrouded in a veil of mist, and before Kyrike was a large wooden table. On the table was an array of foods such as apples, mammoth snout, and cheese.

"Oh, I couldn't. Goes right through me. Besides, I have so many things to do." Came the reply to the previous question. "So many undesirables to contend with. Naysayers. Buffoons. Detractors. Why, my…my headsman hasn't slept in three days!" He continued, a blank look upon his ghastly face.

"You are far too hard on yourself, my dear, sweet, homicidally insane Pelagius. What would the people do without you? Dance? Sing? Smile? Grow old?" The boisterous man in an unusual purple and red suit asked, chuckling between words. "You are the best Septim that's ever ruled…well, except for that Martin fella. But he turned into a Dragon God, and that's hardly sportin'." He continued. "You know, I was there for that whole sorted affair. Marvelous time!" He shouted, a wide, toothy grin on his face. "Butterflies, blood, a fox, a severed head! Oh, and the CHEESE!" Kyrike backed up. "To die for." The crazed man finished, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

The man, Pelagius, rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes. As you've said countless times before." He drawled, emphasizing the word 'countless'. Kyrike watched as the suited man yelled at Pelagius, seeming to disapprove of his sarcasm. Pelagius disappeared in a cloud of blue, zapping sounds echoing through the small clearing as another person took his place. "Ah, Pelly was always a spoilsport anyhow. You, however, know how to bring out a good time!" The man guffawed.

Valelia!

"Thank the Nine that ol' pompous fella's gone! I've got quite a lot o' things on my mind, ye know!" Valie exclaimed, her eyes wide. "Oh, no…" Kyrike sighed. "Ye know, a slaughterfish can hear ye thinkin' just before ye sneeze! It's true, my friend! Go and ask the five in the creek who found themselves caught in their jaws!" Valelia laughed, snorting loudly as she downed a bottle of mead.

She's…insane!

"How rude!" The man suddenly shouted, and Kyrike found himself the subject of two pairs of glaring eyes. "Can't be bothered to host an old friend for a decade or two!" Kyrike blinked, the man's eyes glowing eerily. "Who…were you talking to just then?" He asked, hoping to calm the angry lunatic. "Emperor Pelagius III. Now surely even you know about Pelagius' decree? On his deathbed-oh, and this was inspired-he forbade…death! That's right! Death! Outlawed!" The crazed man laughed, Valelia joining him. Her braids swung around wildly as her maniacal laughs filled the clearing.

"Now, I know what yer thinkin'…where are we? Huh? HUH?!" Valie stood up, approaching Kyrike, who was beyond disturbed. "We're inside the mind of Pelagius, silly!" She crowed. "Ah, Scaly-Valie, it's his first time." The man whispered, his voice slightly calming. "I'm…just here to deliver a message…and…and…" The lunatic put a hand to his ear. "Speak up, fella! Decades of nothin' but Pelly's mind can really do somethin' to a guy!" "I'm here to deliver a message and get my friend, Valelia, back." Kyrike firmly replied, crossing his arms.

"Reeaaaallllyyyy?" Valie and the crazed man asked at the same time. "Ooh, ooh, what kind of message? A song?" He asked. "No, ye old snow fox! A summons!" The lunatic pushed Valie aside. "I know! I know! A death threat written on the back on an Argonian concubine! Those are my favorite." He wistfully smiled.

This is surreal.

The man grew frustrated at Kyrike's silence. "Well? Spit it out, mortal. I haven't got an eternity!" He yelled, Kyrike slinking away from him. "Actually…I do. Little joke." He chuckled. "But seriously. What's the message?"

"I was asked to retrieve you from your vacation." Kyrike answered simply. "Were ya now? By whom?" He asked. Kyrike opened his mouth to speak. "WAIT! Don't tell me! I want to guess!" Kyrike shut his mouth and waited for the crazy fellow to guess. "Was it Molag? No, no…Little Tim, the toymaker's son, eh? The ghost of King Lysandus? Or was it…yes! Stanley, that talking grapefruit from Passwall." He laughed maniacally, slinging an arm around Valie's neck as she joined him in laughter. "Wrong on all accounts, aren't I?" He queried, the crazed look never disappearing from his face. "Ha! No matter! Honestly, I don't want to know. Why ruin the surprise?"

Kyrike was getting more and more impatient by the second. "But more to the point. Do you—tiny, puny, expendable little mortal—actually think you can convince me to leave? Because that's…crazy."

If anyone's crazy, it's you.

"You do realize who you're dealing with here?" "You're a madman." "Jolly good guess! But only half right. I'm a mad god. The Mad God, actually. It's a family title. Gets passed down from me to myself every few thousand years." He explained. Valelia got on the ground and rolled into a ball, running her fingers up and down her lips to make trilling noises. Kyrike looked back up at the madman. "Now you. You can call me Ann Marie. But only if you're partial to being flayed alive and having an angry immortal skip rope with your entrails." Kyrike stayed silent. "If not…then call me Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness. Charmed." He introduced.

Kyrike sighed, frustrated. "So does that mean you'll leave or not?" He asked, crossing his arms again. "Now that's the real question, isn't it? Because honestly, how much time off could a demented Daedra really need?" Kyrike remained silent so as to not interrupt the Daedra. "So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to leave. That's right. I'm done. Holiday…complete. Time to return to the hum drum day-to-day." Kyrike couldn't believe what he was hearing. "On one condition." Kyrike nodded eagerly.

"You have to find the way out first. Not only out of Pelagius' mind…but Valelia's as well! Good luck with that." He smiled maliciously. Kyrike glared. "Okay, what's the catch?" He growled. "Ha! I do love it when the mortals know they're being manipulated. Makes things infinitely more interesting. Care to take a look around? This is not, I dare say, the Solitude botanical gardens. Have you any idea where you are? Where you truly are?" He questioned, his voice growing louder. Kyrike shook his head, slowly coming to terms with what was going on.

"Welcome to the deceptively verdant mind of the Emperor Pelagius III. That's right! You're in the head of a dead, homicidally insane monarch. Now, I know what you're thinking. Can I still rely on my swords and spells and sneaking and all that nonsense? Sure, sure. Or…you could use…The Wabbajack! Huh? Huh?! Didn't see that coming, did you?" He grinned.

Kyrike suddenly felt something in his right hand. He looked down to see an oddly carved staff with different faces on each side. "The Wabbajack?" He looked over at Sheogorath, who scoffed. "Do you mind? I'm busy doing the fishstick. It's a very delicate state of mind!" He snapped. Kyrike looked down at Valie, who was rolling around on the ground. "I'm a barrel, Mister Sir! I'll hold onto aaaaallll yer apples!" She shouted, rolling quicker. Kyrike sighed. "Looks like I'm on my own."