Additional Note: I know this is not what anyone wants to hear, but my hard drive crashed about a week ago and all my data, everything I've done digitally for the past 4 years, is gone. Poof. So now I'm reconstructing, which pretty much means that my normally long update intervals are going to be even longer this time. It's quite a shame because I really liked what I had going for Ch. 10. The good news is that it all came from me, not my computer, and now that I have the computer back, I can create it again. Please be extra patient, I'm trying to rebuild an empire. I'm sorry.
Kilarra
Author's Note: The problem with piecing things together is that sometimes they come across as pieced together. Not to mention that "revelation" chapters are difficult in and of themselves. And the fact that this chapter, the previous one, and the next one were skeletally constructed as a single entity. Then I realized that that domino chain would need to be broken and it seems the breaking points, as far as the action and introspection, can't help but be jagged. All that to say that I didn't much like the last chapter as a whole because of how I built it and the same holds true for the first few pages for this one. My philosophy is that if I don't enjoy the writing, then I can't expect anyone else to, so I'd like to think that when I say the middle to end gets to be pretty good, it doesn't just come from ego. But this first part… bear with me. When I write, I also try to make you as a reader emotionally experience the character.
In this instance, that experience is making sense of senselessness while being distracted in battle while having someone else stand over your shoulder and tell you what to feel. Emotionally it's not linear at all, it should be expressed as a burst of conflicted feelings, physical reactions, images, voices, and half formed thoughts, but there's no other way to put it in writing. If I have to explain it then obviously I didn't do a good job in the first place; nevertheless I feel compelled to offer some foundation. Assuming I accomplished this goal at all, that is.
Also, too much Kant, not enough time and sleep. You have to speak his language to understand, then you find dropping the dialect is not so easy. Don't worry, the actual chapter shouldn't be too much like this… I hope. As always, have thoughts and tell me about them. Be nice people, do good things, etc.
Disclaimer: You know, my head hurts. So I'll be blunt this time. I'm not claiming any copyrighted material as my own or making a profit.
I attacked Beowolfmon, quickly and smoothly, like a snake coiled in the grass. No hesitation, no mercy. Just sheer, corrupt, darkness. He caught one blade and twisted back to avoid the other. I felt Cherubimon at my back, filling me with tainted power. It rushed through my veins, anguish, wrath, but worst of all, knowledge. This boy was everything I wasn't, everything I wanted and couldn't have. The light which cast my shadow, which held me at bay in the darkness, kept me powerless to help myself or those I cared about. Still…
Even as my body fought, the flaws of this logic resonated in my awakened mind, boiling into more questions, more uncertainties. There was something I was starting to realize, something that made me want to hurt Kouji and help him at the same time. I just couldn't figure out exactly what it was. My body ignored me, acting as it always had. Responding to Lord Cherubimon's will as it always had. It was me and not. I had some form of control, some will to resist, but didn't assert it.
Kouji was surviving just fine without my intervention, and I saw no problem with sharing the pain. Regardless of his guilt or innocence, regardless of my motives or manipulated feelings, there was no denying I wanted him to suffer. I wanted someone else to suffer. Misery loves company. So I fought. Because that was the only way I knew to make the pain dull.
This new, Fusion Evolution was much stronger than its predecessors, so strong that if I let my guard down for even a moment, he would probably have landed a blow. The Darkness would not simply overwhelm this Light; some work would be required to defeat him now. If he'd been faced with my previous self, the Duskmon without memories or purpose beyond Cherubimon's will, he would have won easily. But I was different now. I was angry. Confused, but angry. Angry for her sake, fighting to avenge her suffering. My power had increased as well. I trapped him in a whirlwind of crimson blades and beams and, though dodging seemed significantly more strenuous, his wicked yellow blade still didn't so much as touch my armor.
The clouds of Light and Darkness surrounded us again, pulsing with our power, but I kept enough distance to ensure our human forms remained hidden. Inside me there were many people, many voices now in conflict. My actions may have been decisive, my feelings set, but my mind wavered. If I saw him, I'd remember we were brothers. I wanted to fight that which hurt my mother, an embodiment of unfairness I could blame and defeat. Not my brother. For me, there was a difference now. A distinction between Kouji and the Warrior of Light, between intent and results, that I knew couldn't exist. So I would hesitate. If I hesitated, he would take advantage of it. He did not know of our connection, he'd have no such qualms about dispatching me. To him, I was a puzzle, a question, but his enemy nonetheless. He would win very quickly and I would have failed. So I kept quiet and focused, ignoring all his attempts at battle-conversation. My doubts did not lessen my strength nor dull my blades.
"Frozen Hunter," he yelled, raising his sword vertically as his eyes glowed white-blue. A wolf of white fire rose behind him, red eyes focused on me, fangs bared. It lunged, claws extended as I crossed my swords to block. The wolf crashed straight into the crimson X, its massive jaws seeming to snap at me in frustrated fury. I struggled to hold it off, grunting in effort as it pushed me back. Then, with a furious cry of my own, I pulled my blades apart. They made a sharp, metallic noise and the wolf was turned back. It collided with Beowolfmon, sending him first into the marble wall, then through it. Smoke billowed from the breach as he fell, yelling in surprise. I moved to the edge and watched him hit the ground, watched him lay momentarily still as the dust settled. The taint within me surged in satisfaction, yet I felt only sadness. That ever-constant sadness I was only just beginning to understand.
Why Kouji? Why is it always about you? Isn't it enough that you're the one she wants, that you're the only one that can make her happy? Do you have to taunt her too? Denying me is one thing, but your own mother? Don't you know that she needs you? How can you just let her suffer like that? What gives you the right to forsake your own flesh and blood?
Several small figures were cowering maybe twenty meters to his right, shielding their heads with their arms and squatting on the ground in little balls of flesh. Among them I could recognize the blond girl Zoe, the human boys J.P., Takuya, and Tommy, and the two little Digimon who tailed the group like loyal dogs. Then there was a seventh form, golden yellow and ovular, with bat-like wings for ears and a knitted pink band around its middle. He was new. They were all irrelevant.
Without a second glance at the spectators I leapt from Sakkakumon, swords held so their tips formed a V like the point of a much larger blade and angled so they were perpendicular to the ground. Beowolfmon rolled clear just before impact and I clipped his side with my elbow. Another dust cloud went up and the crater left by his body deepened. The humans were yelling something, too jumbled to understand, but their voices were getting louder. As if they were moving closer to the fight. Foolish. It didn't matter. Very little mattered.
Don't you realize what you're doing! Don't you realize who you're fighting? Who you've abandoned? I just wanted to make us a family again! Is it so much to ask that you let me?
He struck while I was still recovering from the leap. I brought up one blade to block and swung the other at his chest. He pulled back, almost snarling. With a growl of my own I sliced at a diagonal with one sword, then the other, alternating and forcing him back. His double bladed sword was trapped in the defensive and I held it there.
"Stop it!" The girl's voice, shrill and anxious, cut through the air and seemed to hit me between the eyes. Beowolfmon caught my blades and pushed them down, taking advantage of my obvious distraction. He rammed his shoulder into my sternum and I stumbled back, disoriented. Lord Cherubimon's darkness was livid inside me, urging me into action. Yet I held myself back. It hadn't been that long ago that I'd been speaking with this girl, watching her cry and beg. Lord Cherubimon hadn't taken those memories or even fogged them. She was… She cared about me.
"You're not just the Spirit's host, you're its master. You have a separate will!"
Yes… I did. I wanted Kouji to suffer, true, but there was something beyond that. Cherubimon and Duskmon wanted to destroy the light, wipe it entirely from existence. I wasn't them. I didn't want Kouji gone. I wanted…
"Kouji, stop it! He's human! He's like us; he's just being used! Kouji, please, don't hurt him!"
Beowolfmon, who had his sword above his head in preparation for a downward strike, froze.
"Don't hurt him? Zoe, are you crazy," he asked, holding back his attack but keeping his eyes on me. "This is Duskmon; he's tried to kill us at least twice! He's trying to kill me right now!"
"I know that, but he's also Kimura Kouichi, a boy he came here on a Trailmon like the rest of us. And he's saved us at least twice! It was back before you joined our group, so you never met him, but he's a good person! He's fighting himself as much as he's fighting you."
"So he's… human? Another human here, after all this time? And here of all places?"
"Yes! I know it sounds weird, but you have to believe me."
"It's not just weird, Zoe. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, he's obviously not a normal Digimon, but some normal kid from the human world? Ophanimon would have said something if there was another human with a Spirit."
"She's telling the truth, Kouji! At least, that there's another kid here. The rest of us all met Kouichi at the Wind Factory. He helped us save the Kokuwamon. Even though he acted a little weird, he was still really nice," said the little one with the orange hat, Tommy. "It's hard for me to believe Kouichi could have become Duskmon. I don't know what happened to make him like this, or if that's really him at all, but when we met him all he wanted to do was help the Digimon and go back home." Kouji looked almost skeptical. I can't say I blamed him. Then again…
Is it so hard to believe? Or does thinking Duskmon nothing but a monster just make it that much easier for you to ignore me?
He gave me a long, calculating look, his eyes narrow and critical, then let out a long sigh.
"Is that it? Of course it is," he said, lowering his sword and almost grinning. I tensed, feeling two very polar impulses clash in my gut. "That's the answer to all the riddles. You are human, just like me."
"No. I'm not like you," I snarled.
"I don't like it either, but if Zoe's right then it's true. You're human, right? You've got a Spirit? Something in the human world you were running away from? Hell, I thought you were me for a minute there. Or some sort of twisted reflection. But there's more to it, isn't there. "
My eyes widened as if he'd slapped me, the all too familiar ache gnawing in my gut.
"Tch, this makes so much more sense. Your body, your memories. Even the way you look, sort of. I guess you're not me after all, what a relief."
His eyes were colder than mine as he stared me down and I felt something new. An old fear, from a time before Duskmon. He was looking at me; I was utterly trapped in that cold stare and I couldn't do what I- what I had to. Paralyzed. And I remembered why I'd wanted this power to begin with. Why the human inside me was weak and unworthy. This stare, his eyes, the eyes of the world. They look at me without seeing and I'm terrified. And alone. I'd wanted the power to make them see. But it wasn't working… Why? Lord Cherubimon had said… He'd promised… Why was I still afraid?
"Your name's Kouichi, right?"
"Don't call me that," I snapped, though my voice was small and fearful. "That boy's been swallowed up by the Darkness. Don't concern yourself with him; he no longer exists. I am Duskmon." I knew better, but there's a difference between knowing and admitting.
"If you wanna lie to yourself that's fine, but stop doing it to me. There's Duskmon, and then there's Kouichi, just like there's Beowolfmon and Kouji. I've seen you."
"All you've seen are shadows."
"Look, I didn't choose this fight. You've been hunting me, saying all these weird things that don't make any sense, and you forced me inside your memories. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think I wouldn't care? Did you think I wouldn't want the truth? Stop screwing with me! I'm done with this game! What do you have against me? Why do you look like me? What happened to make you like this?"
I recoiled as if he'd hit me, stepping back.
"Kouji, stop! He doesn't remember what happened! He barely remembers himself! He needs our help, not our criticism." Zoe's voice rammed into Kouji's and was ignored.
"If you really are a human, then how could you fight us? How could you join Cherubimon? If you were brought here by Ophanimon to save this world, then how could you help destroy it?"
Sudden silence. I could hear the questions reverberate across the barren land; hear everyone else think in agreement. It was what they all wanted to know, ever since Zoe told them as they emerged from Sakkakumon. It was what they had all wondered in the darkness of their hearts. How could I, the boy they'd known and helped, leave them? How could I join their enemy and fight against them? Kouji had just been the only one insensitive enough to say it. As always, I knew the answers; I'd locked them deep within my human heart. I just didn't want to go there. I was afraid of what I'd find.
You don't understand. None of you do. None of you can. This isn't about who's human and who isn't. It never was. I didn't know it would go this far. I didn't know what he'd want in return. I just… I didn't want to be weak anymore. I didn't want to watch anymore. I wanted to do something. We're the same in that respect.
"Say something!" Takuya's voice shot through the stillness like a tongue of newly kindled flame. I took half a step back, my gaze flicking to him for an instant. Icy carmine met hot brown. "Kouichi, why did you leave? Why did you betray us? What could we possibly have done to deserve this?" His words burnt like fire too, singeing the newly surfaced, human morality within me. And at the same time…
I betrayed you? Is that what happened? But when did I ever owe any allegiance to you? When did I get tangled up in your battle? I'm not accountable to you. I didn't come here for the same reasons you did. I'm not like any of you and I never was!
This may not have been the right way to get it, but I'm strong now. I've beaten you before. Maybe you don't see me, the real me, even though I'm right in front of you, but that doesn't make me worthless. I shouldn't be afraid of that. If anything you should fear me. I can force you to see me, if I want to.
"It's hardly the poor boy's fault, Takuya," chastised the little white Digimon, Bokomon. The little golden yellow Digimon was clasped protectively in his arms and his beetle-black eyes flashed accusingly. "At least not entirely. Ever since his first encounter with Cherubimon's corrupt darkness in Breezy Village Kouichi has shown an abnormal sensitivity to it. It ate at his mind and body and he was powerless to stop it!"
Powerless? Is that what you think I am?
"You knew this was going on? Then why didn't you say anything? If it was that dangerous then why didn't you mention it earlier!"
"I couldn't have told you, I didn't know what was happening myself. Besides, Kouichi made me promise I wouldn't so much as talk about him! How was I supposed to predict he'd become an evil Legendary Warrior?"
"And he was more than a little bit scared, weren't you Bokomon."
I refuse.
"Neemon, you insufferable busybody, you can't just-"
"Enough" I cut in, my eyes sweeping across their faces angrily. "This is pointless. None of it means anything."
A jagged, almost offended stillness followed my words. I didn't care. These memories, this boy Kouichi they insisted I was, they were just patches of convoluted light in my mind. Without context, they were nothing more than road signs meant to lead me in this direction or that and I was sick of it.
Kouji was both the question and answer. I'd always known that.
I'm not some weakling you can go on ignoring. I'm not just going to sit back and watch you walk away anymore.
"Warrior of Light," I said, raising one blade to point at him. "You are my only concern. There is something I want from you and I will have it."
Before he had time to be anything but shocked I was on him, swords twirling in a storm of crimson. They didn't impact immediately; I only wanted to scare him. I wanted him to feel alone and helpless. I wanted him to know that, for the first time, I was completely in control of the situation. Beowolfmon caught one of my blades in the hook of his own, securing it out to the side. Poor choice, it left him open to the other sword. His friends screamed out a warning as I thrust the point towards his stomach, afraid. Of me, and what I could do. Finally.
I stopped just short of impact, pressing the sword tip into his ribs threateningly. Beowolfmon looked at me, his teeth gritted in annoyance, brown eyes channeling the image of a human boy. "Deadly Gaze," I whispered. A beam of red light erupted from the large eye on my chest and rammed through the Warrior of Light like no blade ever could. He screamed as the red glow surrounded him. I watched him fall to his knees, the periwinkle bands surrounding his Digimon body. Watched as they dissipated, leaving a human boy prone in the dirt.
Such a little thing. Such a frail thing. I could break him like a toothpick, end it all in an instant. So why haven't I? Why can't I make it stop? Am I wrong?
Is this really what caused me so much pain? Is he really what hurt me so badly, I became this? Or is it something else?
Why am I so angry, if not because of you?
The other humans made moves to Spirit Evolve themselves, but I held them at bay with a look. Periwinkle bands surrounded my own body and I slid back into my small- no, my human-like form.
"Why doesn't this make me feel better," I asked, staring down at his battered form. "You betrayed me. You betrayed your own mother. She's in so much pain, pain you could make disappear and yet you don't. The injustice of it makes me sick."
"That woman," he gasped, propping himself up on his forearms and pulling his legs underneath him. "Is my step mother and I'm going to make it up to her! Not that that's any of your business."
"I'm not talking about her, I'm talking about our mother!" There was a stunned silence, but I didn't care. I ran right over it, caught up in the tide of my own revelation. "It's all your fault. You left us. You're her light- you're everyone's light, and you left us! It's all about you, don't you understand? It's always been about you! If you'd been there- if you'd seen- She cries almost every night, did you know that? She wants what was stolen from her. All those years- my entire life that was all she wanted! The only thing I could ever do was "find Kouji", but you never noticed me. I tried so hard and you never noticed me! Well how about now? Do you see me now, Minamoto Kouji?"
He was staring up at me, brow furrowed, eyes uncomprehending. Bewildered. My eyes moved from his to the other humans, sweeping over them like a cold wind. They were standing maybe two meters away, huddled in a disoriented group. As if they'd collectively picked up a book they'd read a hundred times and found that now, the first page was different.
"Can any of you see me now?"
A low, malicious chuckle started in my mind, then began to seep out like a spreading fog. I could tell the others heard it too by the way they broke out of their stupor, looking around frantically. My shadow lengthened behind me, taking on the form of a giant, beast-like figure with a contorted frill about its neck. Slits of red light took the place of eyes and the darkness lifted off the ground, looming above me. It was still just a shadow, thin and black, but it had Cherubimon's form. His red eyes and sneering mouth gazed down at the humans from over my head.
"Good, Duskmon, that's good. Feel the anguish coursing through your blood, the hatred. That's your true self. That is your power."
"Cherubimon," growled Takuya, his jaw clenching and his hand diving into his pocket. Zoe grabbed his wrist and shot him a sideways look that clearly said 'Not now.'
"Use it, Duskmon," he continued, ignoring him. "Use it to destroy the Light. End, it, here and now! Prove your worth and fulfill your destiny!"
My… destiny? I looked back to Kouji. He was kneeling now, one foot flat on the ground and the other tucked underneath him. His left fingertips were pressed into the dirt, ready to spring up and block any attack I tried, but his eyes told another story. There was still defiance and arrogance, yet past that, in a place only I could see, a new sorrow bloomed. One he himself didn't understand, from a hurt inflicted long ago. A hurt we both shared.
You've been looking for something too, haven't you. You're trying too. And all I've done is hurt you. This isn't what I was looking for. This isn't why I came here. I don't why but it wasn't… for this.
"Why the hesitation, Duskmon? Do it!"
"You don't want to kill me Kouichi," said Kouji, his voice deadly calm. "I know you well enough now to say that."
Bitter rage. I pulled my taloned left hand back to my ear like a bowstring.
"You don't know the first thing about me," I spat.
"But I do." Zoe's voice. Timid footsteps. "Kouichi I don't know why you came here or what your real connection to Kouji is. And I'm not going to pretend to understand what you've been going through. But I do know you don't want to destroy anything. The Kouichi I met was kind and caring. He was a little quiet and private, but when his friends needed him he could always be depended on. He got us out of a really bad situation once, even though he had his own problems to deal with. Even though, looking back, he probably should have run away. We didn't protect him, or even help, but he still saved us from our own arrogance."
My eyes moved to her solitary form, my arm still tensed. Carmine against jade. She had that same look again, that mixture of regret and compassion, her hands trembling fists at her sides.
"That Kouichi didn't need the Spirit of Darkness to be strong or some twisted freak telling him what is destiny is. He could make his own decisions! You're still that person, Kouichi; don't let yourself be so easily used! Or am I wrong?"
Ice-cold laughter cut the moment, reverberating in my chest like a base drum. It started off as a low chuckling, then Cherubimon tossed back his shadowed head and positively howled.
"How naïve. You are right to assume that human still exists within my Warrior of Darkness, but to think he has any control? And besides that, to think you knew him at all? How ridiculous!"
"It's not ridiculous," shot J.P., stepping forward to join Zoe. "We've all see Kouichi fighting you! We know he's still in there, despite you messing with his head!"
"Are you so sure? Are you so certain that if I retracted the Spirit of Darkness and revealed the human you call Kouichi he'd be anything more than a doll," sneered Cherubimon.
"Yes. He's our friend and we're going to help him."
Cherubimon just laughed again. Zoe and J.P. both ignored him, their eyes fixed on me. I looked back at them, then back to Takuya and Tommy, and finally down at Kouji. As our eyes met he began to stand up, very slowly, like I was some kind of twitchy animal he didn't want to spook. There was something in the way he was watching me, something in the way they were all watching me, that I didn't understand.
What is it you're expecting me to do? Just who do you think I am? Why are you all… looking at me like that?
"All right, Duskmon," Cherubimon hissed between chuckles. "Let's show them what's become of that human you used to be. Let's show them just how misplaced their hope is."
My eyes widened suddenly as fear constricted around my chest. I looked over my shoulder, taking in air to protest, but I was too slow. By the time I'd realized what he was planning to do he already held one clawed paw over my head and was tearing away a shell of darkness. Kouji leapt back. My toes lifted off the ground as he held me suspended, his puppet on strings prepping for a show. I screamed, arching my spine so my shoulder blades almost touched, throwing back my head, eyes wide. It felt like every single hair on my body was being pulled out slowly by the root, like he was freezing away a layer in my soul. The Spirit's data was being separated from my human body, cancerous veins of tainted black pulled back into their source. Concealed but still there.
At the same time I felt Cherubimon's oppressive darkness descend into my mind, setting up a cage in the Spirit's stead. I felt the rain on my back, the sucking mud around my body, the icy cold in my flesh. That nightmare forest where I'd first encountered Cherubimon called to me and it was all I could do just to remain conscious. Awake, but just barely. So, now I was a toy to hurt them emotionally as well as physically. I was Kouichi again… until Cherubimon had his fun. This was all just to taunt the others with their own helplessness and failings; I knew that as well as he did.
His will wasn't pressed against mine; I could stop myself from being a tool, if I tried. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't fight. I was going to stand there and allow myself to be used, just like always. His power over me was more than physical and it extended beyond the Spirit of Darkness. Human or Digimon I was still bound to him, to that dead forest. I didn't want to hurt those people who somehow seemed to care about me; I didn't want to prove them wrong. But I couldn't go against my master, not with him so close. Not after everything I perceived he'd done for me. I couldn't just forget the twisted loyalty that still rested inside me. Cherubimon wanted them to see that. That's what hurt the most.
When it was done I collapsed to my knees, legs spread, ankles twisted out, human hands resting palm up by my feet. Sweat made green and red shirts stick to my back and sides uncomfortably and my breath came in shallow, pained gasps. My chin was tucked to my chest, still dark eyes barely open. All power, all the energy and defiance I had possessed moments before was gone with the Spirit. I was like a marionette whose strings had gone slack. And I felt so tired.
The others regarded me in pure, unadulterated shock. They'd all believed Zoe, of course, but none actually expected to see me as the boy they'd met. They hadn't expected Cherubimon to 'release' me so easily. Nor, I think, did they believe his hold over me extended beyond the Spirit of Darkness. They though I was like every other corrupted Digimon they'd fought, that if Duskmon were peeled away they'd find the boy they'd met. Unchanged.
Which was why Cherubimon had to prove them wrong. And I just couldn't fight him.
It was sadistic. It was all just so sadistic.
"Here it is, the remnants of that boy I found in Breezy Village. Lively, isn't he? Go on, call to him. See if he responds. See if he so much as looks at you."
"Kouichi," called Zoe. "Kouichi, it's ok now. We'll protect you, come over here."
I didn't react. Couldn't. My body may have been freed but my mind was still very much a prisoner of my own solitude and Cherubimon's soothing darkness. I felt like I was watching someone else's dream, tired, only mildly interested. I wasn't there- Kouichi wasn't there. Just a shell, lifeless despite its inhabitance. It was like she was calling to someone else, someone far away. Vaguely, I wondered why.
"What's the matter? Kouichi, answer me!" She started towards me, disbelief creeping onto her face. Out of the corner of my eye I saw J.P. catch her elbow. Takuya moved forward as well, as if trying to get a closer look, but J.P. shot out an arm to block his path.
"J.P., what gives," shot Takuya.
"Something's not right."
"J.P. let go!"
"Wait, Zoe! Look at his eyes, they're all wrong. They're the same as when he'd act all weird, remember?" He narrowed those critical brown eyes at me, then moved them to Cherubimon's smirking face. "What did you do to him!"
"I've done nothing. I merely set the stage, it was Kouichi himself who chose to become the Warrior of Darkness. I made the offer and he accepted. If anyone is to blame for that, it's you humans."
"That's crazy! Kouichi was just fine when we met him. Sure, he got weird from time to time, but that was just you messing with his head, wasn't it," accused Takuya, straining against J.P.'s arm. "You put the darkness inside him!"
"How little you understand! I am not the one who sought Kouichi out; it was his heart which called to me. If you had noticed he was suffering or wondered why he was here, that may not have been so. It was your inattentiveness that brought him to this point, your refusal to see he needed help that caused him to seek me out. His loneliness and desperation grew into the most delicious anger, breeding a darkness unmatched by anything in this world in his heart. Kouichi came to me of his own free will and I transformed his pain into power. Even now, with the truth placed so obviously before you, you can't bring yourselves to comprehend the seriousness of your negligence!"
He raised the hand that still hovered over me and I felt the strings inside me constrict. I was tugged to my feet, my head still lolling against my chest. I had neither the will to lift it nor the nerve to meet the other's eyes'. Cherubimon was right, they hadn't noticed. They'd looked at me without seeing, watched the darkness consume me without perceiving. I hadn't wanted them to see, but still… I resented them for that.
I'm sorry. I can't change how I feel. It all started out so simple, and then…
"And you." I knew he was pointing at Kouji. "You're the worst of them all. You never looked at him! You, who caused him so much grief, never even realized he existed before. But now you do. Now that he has the Power of Darkness none of you can deny him!"
"I don't understand… what it is that I'm supposed to have done!" My hands twitched at my sides.
Notice me.
"Of course you don't! You are the Light and as such you're too arrogant to see your own faults. That's what makes you so pathetic. What makes you all so pathetic. I am the only one, in this world and yours, that saw Kouichi for what he was. I am the only one who soothed his pain and gave him the power you didn't know he desired. And you have the audacity to stand there and look surprised? He chose to lock his heart away in the darkness; he wanted to become Duskmon."
"That's a lie! I was with him in the Wind Factory, just before he disappeared. I know this isn't what he wants, not really! He was fighting it the whole time! You put something inside him, something to control him, and he was fighting it!"
All these people, telling me what I do and don't want. But how could any of you know? I never told anyone what I wanted. I barely admitted it to myself.
Do you even see me? Am I anything more than a trophy in you match of Good vs. Evil? I know you care about me, but you don't know me. I barely know me.
I am starting to realize though… there is something I want…
"But wait, if Kouichi went with Cherubimon because of something we did, then why this fixation with Kouji? Why go after the one of us he never met? It doesn't make any sense!"
Notice me. I'm right here. I have something to say. Something Iwant.
"If you knew Kouichi half as well as you think you do it would make perfect sense. Your Warrior of Light was the secret that dictated his life, the constant weight on his soul."
It's unreasonable to just expect him to see, I realize that now. I have to show him. I have to explain.
My eyes lifted and my neck straightened, slowly, cautiously, like a rodent just peeping out of its hole while being hunted. Dull, dark eyes swept this way, then that, taking in the faces and forms of those around me. Zoe, Takuya, J.P., and Tommy were all glaring up at Cherubimon and he was smirking down at them. They exchanged quips and blows like I wasn't there. I guess in a lot of ways I wasn't. Only one person noticed I'd moved, only one person was watching me. A single, silent question hung between us.
'Why do you look just like me?'
I want to answer. I want you to understand. I want you to care. That's all I've ever wanted.
Our eyes met, gazes locked.
It's cold. It's freezing cold… and suddenly dry. The rain's stopped and the mist has cleared. The trees shoot dead veins into a starless, moonless black and without the moisture to trap what little heat there was, ice fills in the cracks in their bark. The soil is hard with ice too, constricting around my waist and whatever parts of my arms still rested in the dirt. He's not watching right now; he's gone off to taunt the others. And in his absence it's gotten much colder. An attempt to freeze off my newfound resolve while he's not here too force his will down my throat I suppose. It won't work.
Maybe I'd already forfeited my right to choose. Maybe once one becomes a puppet, there is no turning back. Maybe Kouichi really is dead and I just some memory fragment locked up for His amusement. None of that matters, nor will it stop me. My body will probably continue to obey Him, but my mind is awake now. I remember now, perhaps not everything but enough to make my own decisions. The other humans may not be my friends, but they hadn't intentionally hurt me either. I may not have forgiven any of them for not noticing me, but I don't want to fight them anymore either. All I want, really want, is to explain. I just want them to understand; I know that now.
This is my punishment for remembering. He's reminding me of what it was like before I met him, a manifestation of the loneliness. Everything hurts like a coat of splitting, frozen ache all over my body. So much so that a large part of me does wish him back. He won't come. He's gone off to cause more pain, trusting the ice to restrain me. If it weren't for the fact that this is probably my only opportunity to break free, He would have been right. But this is my chance to fight, to reclaim some of this human pride that still lives within me. I have no delusions; He's still going to use me. I can't save myself from a disease I sought to begin with. I can't just stop being sad and afraid and angry and all those things that created Duskmon to begin with. But if I fight now- if I resist now, just for a little bit, then maybe I can ask for help.
I begin to tug at the dry black roots that still bind my arms and cling to my back. They're brittle in the cold and crack easily, groaning and splintering. I arch my back and jerk my shoulders, stretching those branches along my spine until they give, falling off. I shake them out of my hair and focus on my arms, but that's still in vain. Even as it splits, the wood itself remains intact, coiled tightly about my limbs, and I can't break free. I'm not strong enough to pull it up by the roots either. Not as I am, any way.
"Help me," I call out to the black. My words are a stream of white mist which hovers before me for a long moment, sympathetic. "I don't want to be here anymore… Some one, please, help me."
Suddenly a light blooms in front of me and I instinctively flinch back from it. Then I realize it doesn't hurt and look up into the portal. There's a figure there and for a moment I think it's me. The light begins to dim and I see long hair and stern eyes. A hand reaches down, burning away the roots and melting the ice. For a moment all I can do is stare, half suspicious, half amazed, then I come back to myself. I reach out and grasp it and he pulls me from the muck. In his light I can see just how filthy I am, and try to pull away, to hide again in the shadows, but his grasp is unyielding. He smiles a wry grin I know is just for me and I realize he doesn't care about the dirt smears on my face or the mud clots on my hair and cloths. He's found me and that's what's important.
"You know," Kouji says in my mind. "You never really gave me a chance before deciding to hate me. You don't actually know me at all."
"I know," I admit quietly, returning his smile as best I can. It's a sad smile, full of regret and guilt. "I know. I was afraid."
"Me too." His eyes soften kindly. "I'm sorry this responsibility fell on you and I'm sorry you've had to deal with it alone. But I'm here now; you have to tell me. I've always cared and I want to know. I want to know you and I want to help Mom."
"I can't. Kouji, it's not that easy. I want to be free again, I really do. And I want to tell you about our connection, to explain everything. But…" I break away, staring instead at the desolate forest of my mind. "Everything started out so innocently and then, one day, I was here. And I don't actually know how to leave this place. I don't even know that I can."
"You can if you want to. I'll show you the way."
My gaze falls; I can't meet his eyes. He lets out an exasperated sigh.
"Kouichi, I deserve to know that I have a brother and I deserve the opportunity to know him. I'll save you, but you have to let me. Or do you not want to be my brother anymore?"
I look back at him sharply, wide eyed. "Of course I do!"
"Then be strong," he says, placing a rather stiff but warm hand on my shoulder. "Be strong for just a little bit longer. I won't run away from you any more, Kouichi. Just tell me what I need to know, and nothing will stop me. I'm going to bring you back. Do you understand?"
I nod, taking a steadying breath.
"Then come on. Don't keep me waiting."
I blinked away the darkness and began to speak.
"Kouji I'm sorry."
Stunned silence settled over the scene like a spotlight, shining all attention directly onto me. I just looked at Kouji, addressing him and no one else.
"I'm fine, I don't need any more than I have. But my mother- She's… sad. All the time. And there's nothing I can do. I tried; I tried everything I could think of but it didn't change anything. I wanted someone to blame, someone I could punish for her pain and mine. And I envied you for the comforts I'd been denied. But the truth is there's no one to blame but me. I thought… if Mom could meet you, she might not be sad anymore. It's not your fault that I failed."
"Duskmon, be silent!"
It took the entirety of my will to fend off Cherubimon's hold, to hold my face up to meet Kouji's, but I did. There was a new power inside me, an infant delivering its first kick in the womb, and it would not be Cherubimon's puppet.
"I followed you to this world to tell you. I've been following you for a very long time now. It hurt when you didn't notice, because I was too scared to approach you myself. I was afraid you had everything and didn't want a brother. Then I started to believe it. And then I met him."
"Remember you place! You exchanged this will for power, now surrender it once more," I heard the fallen angel growl behind me, slamming his tainted darkness into my mind. I winced in pain, an involuntary spasm twisting my body, bending me at the waist and shooting ice through my mind. Yet still I wouldn't submit. I met Kouji's gaze with our mother's eyes and saw realization burst forth within it like the dawn.
"I don't hate you, Kouji; you're my twin brother! I hate myself for being weak and unable to help the people I love! And for being too much of a coward to tell you this sooner!"
"That's enough," Cherubimon snapped, his fury like grains of glass slicing down my back. I broke. With an agonized cry I fell to my knees, my hands shooting up to cradle my splitting head. I saw Kouji start towards me from between my fingers, but Takuya caught him by the elbow and held him back. His lips moved, but I couldn't hear through the haze of red. Black wind whipped around me like thousands of icy stings and the red mist from Cherubimon's hands began to consume me once more. The tainted Spirit of Darkness Duskmon still rested inside me, and it still obeyed Lord Cherubimon.
"That boy you once were no longer exists, Duskmon. He is nothing but the dark heart that gives you power. Feel his pain and guilt, his anger and despair. Use it to destroy the light!"
My hands slid from my face to my ears, palms pressing over them in an attempt to block out the world. I didn't want to go back. I didn't want-
The red mist passed through me like an ocean wind: damp, cold, and flecked with sand. My body reacted to it, craving it like an addictive drug, euphoric to give in once more. His darkness was overwhelming, like I'd been interacting with the world through an old television screen and he'd cut the power. The image collapsed into a thin, white line, then shrank into a small circle. The light at the end of a tunnel. The white circle faded and there was nothing.
I stopped thinking, stopped fighting. I'd let him in when I'd accepted the Spirit of Darkness and now I was trapped. Maybe I could resist for a little, but in the end he won. He would always win.
I felt my skin pale to deathly white, felt my eyes redden. Loose red and green shirts contorted and compressed against my body, becoming black and fitted. Armored bands of red-black metal radiated down my right arm and encircled my ribs as bones cracked and fingers lengthened into claws. Black scales began to emerge at my left shoulder and forced their way down, pushing up through skin like thousands of thick needles. Frost bit into my left hand and I tried to scream as fingers melted into talons, but a thick arm of darkness smothered me. It pressed over my mouth and nose, hardening into a metal mask. I could hear Cherubimon laughing triumphantly in my chest.
"Excellent. Now it's time to free you from that pain. You're human heart shall not trouble you, creature of darkness… ever again."
Something red began to glow at the center of my vision. A dark figure, bound in thick chains, empty eye sockets staring right through me. The chains were glowing as if red hot and in an instant they'd crumpled off, disappearing into the dark. It was free.
Mindless hunger burst forth, pure rage gazing from a skeletal dragon face. Black wings of steel feathers wrapped around an equally skeletal body, concealing all but the massive, avian feet and the black-red, boney tail that lay curled around them. It opened its long, beak-like mouth and lest loose a prehistoric cry, revealing a thin row of white, conical teeth. I recognized it by instinct. Velgamon. Any trace of humanity left within me was buried, even as it thrashed in protest. My mind was consumed with animalistic instinct as I gave into my Beast Spirit.