Reconciliation – chapter ten
"Sometimes I wish I could just turn back time. If only I had a chance to start over with you. Then, everything would be different..."Anne Dawn
Instead of meeting him at a dinner for breakfast, Olivia picked up take out for them from a bakery five minutes from Elliot's apartment. Thirty minutes after hanging up the phone with him, Olivia knocked on his front door. He opened immediately, wearing sweats and a tee shirt that looked thrown on, smiling sleepily at her as he ushered her into the living room. She could smell the coffee brewing, and hear the sounds of the city coming through the cracked window. She hadn't been there since the night she had told him about Lewis, choosing to meet at her place or a bar. Her eyes drifted over the sofa, taking a step towards it before pausing.
"I have coffee, tea, or juice," Elliot said startling Olivia from her falter.
She looked over her shoulder at him, seeing he was closer than she thought. "Juice please," she told him. He gave her a quizzical smirk before turning towards the kitchen to retrieve the juice for her and a coffee for him. Olivia glanced back at the sofa before turning to perch herself on one of the stools at the breakfast bar.
Olivia watched him with his back to her as he added the right amount of milk and sugar to his cup. She must have watched him making coffee hundreds of times before, but the movement of his muscles under his shirt fascinated her. She supposed it could be the fatigue. The tapping of the spoon against the side of the cup brought her out of her reverie. Elliot turned around to face her with the same smile on his face as he sat the drinks in front of her before reaching out to the plates he already had on the bar and placing one by each drink. She put the bag she held in her hand on the bar and opened it to reveal the pastries she brought.
Elliot came around the bar and sat on the other stool, swivelling his body to face her. They ate in comfortable silence, stealing glances at one another between bites. After finishing her breakfast Olivia pushed her plate away and picked up her glass of juice to sip it as she met Elliot's gaze. He still looked slightly amused as she held the glass to her lips a beat longer than necessary. She swallowed the juice and replaced the glass to the side of her plate.
"What?" She asked with a small smile.
"I thought with being up all night you would've wanted coffee," he explained.
Olivia shook her head as she let out a small laugh. "I've had coffee all night. Nick is Munch's protégé when it comes to making the pot."
"No wonder you don't need any more caffeine," Elliot replied. "So when are you heading back?"
She cocked an eyebrow in response. "Are you trying to get rid of me?"
Elliot shook his head. "No, just wondering how much longer I've got your company for." Elliot glanced at his watch. "It's a little after six in the morning, I've still got nearly three hours till I have to go to Queens to pick up Eli and bring him back to the City for his soccer tournament in Central Park," he looked her up and down.
"I'm sorry for waking you up so early," she said guiltily.
Elliot shook his head. "It's okay, I wasn't really asleep." He paused, studying her face for a moment. "I'm sorry for over stepping last night, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
Their eyes locked and they silently urged the other not to flee. Trying to create some distance without leaving Olivia swivelled in her chair, her elbows coming to rest on the bar, her hands clasping together. "You didn't. I know you were only asking because you were concerned for me. You weren't pushing me."
Elliot contemplated her for a long moment, trying to find the right words, cautious and unsure. She could see the doubt, and it wasn't just about him. It was about her too. He was worried about her reaction. He had kept his promise of letting her open up to him when she was ready, but as they had spent more time together over the last few months his control over his concern was slipping, he was getting impatient with holding back. But he was scared of showing it, Olivia realised.
"I'm not really sure where the lines are anymore," Elliot said calmly, albeit carefully.
Olivia leaned forward over the table while maintaining eye contact with Elliot. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm not either," she replied honestly.
"The rules are different."
Olivia nodded slowly, looking away briefly as his cerulean gaze became too intense for her. "Elliot I asked you for space because I was confused, I needed time to figure out how I felt about you being back in my life." Elliot stared back at her, his guilt showing. Olivia fought to ignore the empathy that flared within her but she failed and her body sagged slightly as she tapped her palms lightly three times on the table. "I never needed anyone in my entire life. I never let anyone get close to me," Olivia swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. She clasped her hands together again, tapping together on the work top nervously, her eyes dropping to them as she gave a short laugh. "But somehow I let you in without even realising," she breathed out. It was in ensuing silence that she raised her eyes cautiously to gage his reaction.
Her breath caught as he held her gaze, studying her to judge how to respond to her statement. Without breaking eye contact, Elliot moved a hand to cover hers, stilling their nervous movement. Olivia's body tensed but she didn't remove her hands from under his. The physical contact was new, but there was something familiar about it. His muscular hand was heavy on top of hers, the feel of his strength comforting. He wasn't holding her there; she could have slipped her hand out if she wanted to. After he was sure she wasn't pulling away, he curled his fingers around hers reassuringly.
"It snuck up on both of us," Elliot told her gently.
After another beat of silence, Olivia's hands let go of one another and one turned up wards to wrap around Elliot's warm one. He reacted immediately and his thumb stroked along the back of her fingers, warming them.
"It scares me." Her confession was almost a whisper. "It scares me that I can't keep my guard up around you. I asked you to give me time so I would be able to have more control over it, so I could stop it from happening again."
"Did it work?" Elliot asked.
Olivia shook her head in response. "There are times when I wish you let me go years ago, even before you left." Olivia held her breath as she uttered the words, expecting his hand to slip away, waiting for him to retreat. He didn't.
Instead Elliot tightened his hold on her hand and his brow creased momentarily before asking, "Do you still feel that way?"
Their eyes remained locked in a stand-off for what seemed like minutes. He was as scared of her answer as she was, worried that she would tell him to walk away. Olivia shook her head again, not trusting her voice.
"I wish I had been brave enough to come back to face you after I gave in my papers."
"I wanted you to," Olivia replied. "I missed you. I miss you, the old you."
"I'm right here Liv," Elliot said, a little confused.
Olivia shook her head. "No, I mean the stubborn, bull headed, angry partner who I worked with for twelve years," they both smiled sadly at one another. "I find your new found patience unsettling sometimes. It's hard to get a read on sometimes."
"I've been holding back," Elliot admitted with difficulty. "I'm second guessing everything that I say to you because I don't want you to get overwhelmed."
"I know," Olivia replied, squeezing his hand gently. "I appreciate that you've given me that space, I do."
"I want to start over with you but neither of us has the best track record of sticking around when we get scared."
Olivia almost closed her eyes against the intensity of his gaze. Amanda had been right; he wanted to know she wouldn't be running away again. "You hurt me when you left. I don't think anything is going to change that," she licked her lips quickly to moisten them. Elliot broke eye contact for the first time in their conversation and his thumb paused the rhythmic stroking on the back of her fingers, his body tensing but he waited for her to continue.
She moved her free hand to the side of his face, cupping the back of his head to turn him to face her once more. His head resisted at first but he relented and their eyes connected once again. She saw the fear, the guilt, and the apprehension. Her body swivelled on the stool and she leant closer to him.
"I also know despite that I still trust you, and nothing can change that either," Olivia told him. His eyes widened at her admission. "We can't change the past, Elliot. But we can learn from it."
"I don't want to lose you again," Elliot whispered.
"And I don't want to run anymore," Olivia confessed squeezing his hand gently.
He sighed and his body visibly relaxed as he twisted to face her completely, their knees brushing against one another's. Her arm moved as his shoulder nudged it but her hand remained where it was, cupping the side of his face and neck. Elliot glanced at it out of the corner of her eye but he didn't comment, instead his thumb resumed stroking the back of her fingers.
Olivia tilted her head to the side as she considered him. The flicker that flared inside of her wasn't new; she had felt it time and time again. Olivia had always been able to fight its pull. This time she found herself surrendering to it. She only realised they were both leaning forward when she felt Elliot's free hand brushing the outside of her knee. Her hand moved lower to his shoulder but neither of them stopped. Their noses grazed each other, and she could feel his breath mingling with hers, their lips about to touch when a shrill ring broke through the silence.
They sprung apart and both of the stools squeaked quietly with the speed with which they spun. Olivia breathed heavily as she realised the ringing was coming from her pocket and snatched her phone out in frustration. She breathed deeply again, refusing to look at Elliot as she calmed herself enough to answer whoever had unintentionally interrupted them. Without looking at the screen, she pressed connect.
"Benson," she said into the receiver. She looked up to see Elliot stand and pace further into the living room, his hand covering his mouth as he tried to process what had almost happened.
"Hey Liv," Amanda said into the phone. "We need you back at the house, we got a break."
"I'll be there soon," Olivia said more tensely than intended, and she hoped Amanda wouldn't pick up on it. Without waiting for her to reply Olivia hung up the phone. She stood as she replaced the phone in her pocket walking over to Elliot.
Hearing Olivia approach, he turned to her. She saw the uncertainty had returned to his eyes, and knew he expected her to retreat. She didn't want to do that anymore. Quickly she stepped into him and pressed her lips to his. The touch was fleeting and ended almost immediately as she pulled away. His head followed her but she stayed out of reach.
"Rain check," Olivia promised as she placed a hand on his chest, still feeling the lingering tingle on her lips.
His eyes darkened and dropped to her lips. She thought he would lean in again, she wouldn't have stopped him but he abided her command. "Rain check," he agreed with a small smile. "They need you," he reminded with a small nod to the door, unoffended by the intrusion. "We can continue this later."
This time he did lean in again bypassing her lips and pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek, his aftershave filling her senses. "I'll see you soon," Olivia promised, quelling the disappointment that flared as she backed away and out of his apartment.
Author Note – Thank you all for the wonderful reviews on the last chapter. I'm still amazed by the reaction this story has created. I must admit this chapter had me stumped and it's been in my head all week, but refused to be written until today. I was feeling so frustrated this morning I had to go back and reread the comments from you to help me along, the encouragement helped so much and I was able to get this done. I would love to read any comments you have on this chapter, so if you have the time please review.