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This chapter is back in Anxol's point of view again. Just a heads up.
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Suzanne Collins.
Every day, they make me see a doctor. He is wearing a clean, white coat lab and he asks me all these questions that make my head spin.
Finnick is there with me, though all the doctors and rebel tell him he shouldn't be. They can't tell us what to do anymore. No one can. We have played by the rules, followed commands, and obeyed for long enough. Now is about time that we decided what we wanted to do; our own free will.
The doctor - I can never remember his name - always asks me about my troubles. He asks me what's bothering me, what's plaguing my mind.
There's nothing wrong, I tell him. Nothing wrong at all.
He always gives me this disappointed look, and Finnick's face would always wrinkle with concern.
What was I supposed to tell them? That I can see my loved ones dying around me all the time? That I am the reason for their possible deaths? That I fear one of my visions will be their absolute end one day? I can't tell him that. I can't tell him that I can hear their screams, that I can feel their blood coating on my hands as I try to revive them.
He wouldn't understand. He doesn't understand. I don't bother trying to see if he can.
I have to braid Donnie's hair multiple times a day to make sure it's really there; that her skull is still intact. I have to stare at Johanna for what feels like hours to be certain that her eyes aren't empty, that her mouth isn't dripping blood. I have to wake up several times in the middle of the night to make sure Finnick is still next to me; that I am not on the cold hard floor, that he is breathing and smiling.
And they pretend I can't hear. They pretend I can't hear what they say about a good victor wasted, about a beautiful girl who fell to pieces. They think I can't hear what they say about me, about what I have become.
This makes me angry. I am still a victor. Once upon a time, I did kill a person. I did electrocute that arena. And though it is not a feat I am proud of, I am no object that they can judge for the price. I am no doll that they can parade around and hope will raise spirits.
And I am furious, because they say I am broken. They say that I am just pieces of a girl that cannot be glued together. They do not know what Snow has done to me. They do not understand that Snow breaks everybody, and you cannot expect me to pick up the pieces the way you pick roses. They don't understand. They don't realize that I have seen horrors that would drive them stark raving mad.
I am not mad. I am not. I may be broken, but at least I am holding myself together. It may be by the finest threads, but I am still intact.
Mostly intact.
.
Finnick tells me about the rebels, the training. He has just started, and he is learning how to use guns to shoot people. He wants to become a rebel, one that can fight back at the Capitol in the front lines, to take revenge on all it has done to us.
"I don't want you to come, Anxol." Finnick asks of me, smiling though his eyes are worried. "Are you okay with that, Angelfish?"
I'm angry for a minute when he tells me this. Is it because I am weak? Because I can't handle it? And deep in my heart, I know that this is true. I can't handle that, watching Finnick shoot guns, no matter how strong I think I am on the outside.
But I tell myself not to be angry. Finnick is my wall, and he only wants to protect me.
"Can I at least watch?" I plead, using my best imitation of Finnick's puppy dog eyes.
He quirks an eyebrow and looks doubtful, those concerned crinkles appearing around his eyes again.
"I just want to see you in those rebel uniforms." I look at him innocently, though I let a few giggles escape - Finnick knows that that's not the reason why I want to go, but instead of trying to pry the real reason out of me, he plays along.
He grin lopsidedly and strikes a ridiculous pose.
"No one can resist me." He sighs playfully. "Especially when I'm in a rebel uniform."
"It's just so hard to stay away." I sigh dramatically along with him. "You are asking for the impossible, oh mighty Finnick Odair."
"I understand your circumstances, fair Anxol. It is indeed hard to stay away from me when I'm so irresistible." He smiles, the fish hooks tugging at the corners of his lips.
He moves out of his silly pose and lets out a laugh. He pulls me by the waist towards him, a smile on his lips that I am glad to have brought him.
He is all seriousness when he looks at me again, his piercing green eyes making it impossible to look away.
"Are you sure about this?" Finnick's voice is even, steady, concerned for me again. But I want to go. I have to face my fears, have to get over this phase. If this is a phase.
Nevertheless, I can't let this take over me. I can't let myself lose who I am in the depths of Snow's visions. I want to be rid of the last scar Snow has inflicted on me. And this is only the first step.
"Am I sure about watching you learn how to save damsels in distress?" I smile at Finnick, happy to watch the tense lines around his eyes erase. "Of course I am."
"Are you sure I'm the one who's learning? Perhaps I'm the one teaching, Angelfish dearest." He teases, a playful grin on his face. "After all, I do have quite a reputation for saving damsels. You can even call me an expert at it."
And before I can protest or give him a witty comeback, he sweeps me up into his arms and carries me like a princess towards the rebel's training centre.
"I'm no damsel in distress, Finn." I laugh as we speed through the corridors, enjoying the stares of the District 13 citizens.
"I know. Maybe you'll be the one saving me one day." He sets me down in front of the wide doors, laughter in his eyes and on his lips. "I may not be the knight in shining armor that's there to rescue you when you've already got an escape plan, but I promise I'll be the fisherman who's always ready to catch you."
Thanks for reading!
Short chapter - ah! Yes, I know! Sorry about that.
But, how did you like it? The first taste of Anxol at District 13. What did you think about it?
Any questions? Comments? Suggestions? Feedback? Feel free to leave it as a review!
Next chapter up tomorrow!