Two Swords (10)
A Little Perspective
Kyoshiro Tohdoh was a man of many qualities, and being a stupid man was not one of them. It's not like he had been entirely clueless. He always knew.
He knew that Chiba was helplessly, almost hopelessly enamored by him. It was obvious and clear to him as for anyone else who worked or fought alongside her in the Black Knights. To be perfectly honest, his stoic front was just a cover up for the fact he didn't know what to do about it. So he put up the oblivious act.
During the Christmas party, he knew that under all her red-faced embarrassment, she also flushed with joy for finally getting a kiss from him, however unorthodox and strange the event was. It had been many years since he last kissed a woman, however long that Suzaku Kururugi was alive. After all, Tohdoh had once been in love with the boy's mother. Perhaps he was still in love, which was why he couldn't move on to have any conviction about Chiba. He was a man rooted in the past. The only thing...no, the only person who kept him from moving on was Miwa Kururugi. Even in death, she had a hold on his heart and he didn't want her to let go.
The late Prime Minister of Japan, Genbu Kururugi, had died thinking he had been murdered by his own son. Tohdoh knew better. Taizo Kirihara had informed him of this unsettling secret, the truth behind Genbu's death.
In turn, only the old man was privy to the fact that Tohdoh, through his love with Genbu's wife, had fathered Suzaku.
It was a secret the Japanese general intended to take to his grave. Now that the boy had turned his back to Japan and become the champion white knight of Britannia, Tohdoh felt that he had dishonored his lover by failing to save their son from corruption. He couldn't help but feel that it would be a further stain on Miwa's memory if he considered moving on with another woman. This was the dilemma that plagued him, the one that tore him apart from inside. His appearance and actions never gave the slightest indication of it. Military training had conditioned him that way. But deep down, he held secrets and bore pain like any other human would.
For all the stern and intimidating manner he projected, Tohdoh wasn't entirely sure why Chiba fell in love with him in the first place. He wasn't the same man from years ago. Most people don't consider him particularly friendly, open, and approachable. So what did she see in him? At what point during the years they've known each other had her admiration towards him become love?
Had it not been for the circumstances they were currently in, or the dangerous jobs both of them decided to pursue, it wouldn't have been above him to consider having a relationship with her. Chiba was an attractive woman, brave, tenacious, and dutiful, if a little clingy and rigid at times. A part of him felt humbled and honored that he was the object of her feelings. At the same time he thought they were ill-timed and ill-placed. Tohdoh wanted to focus only on his efforts to further the Black Knights' agenda and free Japan. He had no room for a personal life or romance. Not anymore. Since the two were eight years apart, he also felt that he was too old for her. He believed that she should look elsewhere for a man of her age, someone outside of the military who would be able to freely and openly reciprocate her feelings.
Knowing Chiba and how stubborn she was, Tohdoh knew that the latter point was something she wouldn't consider. For her, there was no one else but him. Whenever he had free time to himself, or tried to keep busy with menial tasks around the Ikaruga, his thoughts always strayed to the dilemma regarding his closest subordinate.
'You've fallen in love with the wrong man, Chiba,' he thought with remorse. 'I don't think I can ever give you what you want. I feel as if I still belong with someone else.'
He considered having a serious talk with her after the war, and sort out whatever emotional turmoil roiled in both of them, provided that they both survive by the end of it all. Until then, Tohdoh had to keep acting as if he wasn't painfully aware of Chiba's feelings at all. A sudden thought struck him and made him crack a wry grin. How long could he keep up the act? After all, he was a soldier, not an actor.