A Leader's Memory

by TMNT-Queen

"He was so brave and quiet that none of us ever realized what was happening...our mistake might cost our brother's life." Leo has gone missing. The only thing that might hold any clue to his whereabouts is his journal. But the leather-bound pages raise more questions than answers, and reveal more than his brothers ever knew...such as the fact that Leo is running out of time.

10. Entry 9

A/N: It won't be long now, guys...

Entry #9

Mikey stopped and confronted me today. He told me that he noticed I seemed kind of sad lately. I just brushed it off, hoping that he'd let it go. And he did. Everyone buys into that lie, that "I'm fine. Just tired." They accept it, like it explains everything. It covers everything.

Just once, I wish someone would notice - really truly notice - that I'm not fine. That I'm not "just tired." That I'm carrying a burden that's slowly killing me.

You want to know what the scariest part is about all of this? The scariest part is not the feeling of loneliness or the darkness that fills me despite the pain of being so empty. No.

The scariest part is the realization that I've lost myself completely. It's that thought that sinks in as I lay awake at two in the morning because somehow, along the way, I've lost the ability to sleep and I can't even cry about it because I just don't care anymore.

I realized today that I've stopped living. I'm not enjoying anything anymore. I wake up in the morning and the only thing on my mind is when I'll be able to crawl back into bed at night. And that's not living.

It's getting closer now. Closer until I leave. I can feel it.

The guys don't know. Nobody knows. I've managed to keep it a secret for this long, and hopefully I can hold on for a little while longer.

Maybe once I'm gone, everyone will be happy again. They won't have to worry about me slowing them down, or holding them back from having fun. They won't have to worry about the stick-in-the-mud brother anymore.

All I ever wanted was to make them happy...I tried to make my family happy. I tried to make my friends happy. I tried to make everyone happy - everyone but myself. That was the way I gave myself pleasure, was making sure they all had everything they needed. But now...I can't make myself happy anymore even if I try to. And nobody even notices it because I'm too good at hiding my pain.

I'm just tired of everything...I can't fight this any longer.

And maybe that makes me a coward, but I really don't care anymore.