A/N: If anyone even remembers this story then i have returned with a new chapter lol and it only took me 6 months! Sincerest apologies to anyone who may have been reading, i really do fail miserably at the whole updating thing, i guess i just lost my inspiration for about half a year haha. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter, it means so much that people take the time to do that so really, thank you all. Special thanks to kris for reading this over for me and to liam for her gentle persuasion to get this chapter written, *surprise* :P . There is possibley a million mistakes and its just a bit...not so great but hopefully the memory of how to write will come back to me soon. xxxxx
Despite her vast knowledge of math and science there were still a few things that Gabriella found quite difficult to grasp. In her days of studious learning, burning questions often made her head their home, swirling around uncontrollably, hoping to bump into the answer. To her mind the theory was always simple enough, but her train of thought could never just stop there; she needed reasons, not merely solutions. That's where the difficulty always came in: comprehending the matter at hand, and try as she might she could never fight of the urge to tackle such uncertainties.
She had been so sure that such a time was only a distant memory but she found herself once again facing the unknown. Flopping back onto the pillow in sheer irritancy her face found itself involuntarily scrunched up, further creasing the deep bags around her eyes. There were so many thing that she needed to know:
What really made her turn to drugs?
How could she possibly interact with Troy?
What exists beyond the boundaries? Beyond nothing? In that cold empty space that parallels the natural world and fills the holes in the universe?
She figured that it was acceptable for her mind to wander into such areas, after all she had been lying in the same hospital bed, brewing in the stale air for what felt like and eternity- although she guessed that the actual time scale would be somewhat less infinite.
Her chocolate eyes widened at the sound of footsteps shuffling in her direction and her heart skipped a few beats. His arrival was long overdue but that didn't matter now, so long as he was there. Her smile verged on coming alive again but alas it was not who she wanted it to be. Instead of Troy's drowning blue stare looking back at her, she was met with the image of her consultant.
Dr. Coleman, or so his name badge read was a small, scrawny man who over the last 3 days had repeatedly spoke almost directly to her mother as if completely overlooking her. She was 18, she didn't need to be treated like a child by some expensive old man acting like he knew her life history, what was best for her. There was only one person who knew her well enough to judge her and she loved the fact that he wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.
The doctors beady eyes were stern but lightened by the surrounding creases as they bobbled between Maria and the bound notes in his hand.
"Gabriella has been assisted through recovery of her physical injuries at this point by an alternation of the opioids methadone and buprenorphine…"
The monotonous sound of his droning meant nothing to her. The hospital staff may as well have been speaking a completely different language and she had other considerations that she needed to attend to. It wasn't that she didn't care, but what he was telling her was what she already knew. She knew about the effects of withdrawal, about the pain and the temptation, what she didn't know was whether she could make it through.
Momentarily glancing down at her feet, she noticed for the first time several yellow and purple bruises scattered across her legs yet didn't even have the faintest recollection of how they came to be there. Sighing, she figured that if no one could tell her what she needed to be told then there were more pressing issues requiring her concentration.
It had been two days since she had last seen Troy, or even felt his presence and that scared her. It instilled a fear in her that succeeded that of the pain, of the fact that she couldn't control her body as it violently shook in spasms or of the hollowness of her blood as it seeped through her sans the heroin it craved.
The moment that he had opened up to her he was gone again, almost as though he had revealed too much, then again, maybe it was simply the fact that he didn't want to return or want to see her at all. The thought hurt her because the only thing she could do was wait, she only hoped that she would see him again soon.
As agony seared through every inch of her, his lack of presence seemed to make crawling back into her miserable shell of a life a far more attractive choice. He had promised her, and she needed him to stay true to his word. She needed him.
She could still hear his reassuring voice in the back of her mind and it was her only form of comfort, without which she found herself empty and alone.
And she was back at the beginning again. Was it possible that beyond infinity lay nothing but emptiness?
Fazing out her thoughts and Dr. Coleman's drabbling she put all of her concentration into playing with a lock of ebony hair, picking at the dry ends and twisting it sadistically around her finger, pulling it tight so that she could feel the pain. Depression had such a strong hold and she desperately sought a distraction.
She needed reasons, not merely solutions: when had she gotten lost in the vortex and become so absorbed in emptiness?
Was she nothing but a black hole?
The past two nights had been unending and relentless, like a nightmare that she couldn't wake up from. It was the nights that she feared most. There, callous blackness reigned supreme, creeping up on her with a cunning stealth that caused trepidation to take over and surrounding her in a thick mist. Gabriella often envisaged the night as the ultimate predator, and, much like a predator observes its prey before swooping in for the kill, she too was under surveillance.
But what lies in the shadows isn't a physical being, a monster from childhood memories; it is something even more sinister, for it is real.
The darkness acts as a mirror reflecting ones own fears, reflecting the deepest secrets that haunt the wounded soul, sucking every inch of life from it. It preys on fear, and on those who are most afraid.
Dreading another night alone Gabriella began to shake again, loosing complete awareness of her surroundings as violent convulsions ran through her like an electric shock.
She knew that darkness didn't act alone: Solitude was it's greatest ally.
Abandoned without her shield, she could feel it, she could feel the dark eyes cast over her. Watching. Capturing her every move. It was only a matter of time before it unleashed it's fiery attack and no matter how prepared she was, Gabriella knew that it would catch her off guard, forcing her to fall into the trap of her own dismay.
Night brought her face to face with her greatest demons. Desolation. Loneliness. Isolation. Any resistance was not worth the effort because the battle was all but lost. It seemed as though it was only a matter of time before it ensnared her fully and until that moment she would have to live on borrowed life as her soul struggled to hold its shattered self together.
Recovering slightly from her phase, she grasped both sides of the bed that she was now perched upon, almost feeling it whither below her touch. She could escape this hospital ward, she could escape from the country but darkness would still chase her.
There was only one place where she knew it wouldn't reach her and if she went there she wouldn't have to be alone, she wouldn't have to live in constant anxiety that at any moment the night would catch up with her. Yet here she was, stuck in limbo between two worlds and she couldn't keep the thought from running through her mind.
Darkness couldn't reach her on the other side.
The intense whiteness around him blocked out all other sensations, the empty glare blinding him with it's perpetual light. Troy had forgotten the harshness of it, having spent most of his recent time in another place, a place where dusk broke as often as dawn and where reality transcended into dreams, at least for those who basked in life.
His time on earth had ended long ago, as had his capacity to dream. His world: it never slept.
He couldn't even begin to explain it but despite being surrounded on all sides he could still see her from where he was. It was almost as though she was right there beside him but time had taught him that despite illusions, Gabriella was over a million miles away.
He sighed deeply, contemplating whether he could ever return to be with her or whether he should keep watch from afar. His cerulean orbs followed her every movement, they seen her as she stood up from the edge of the hospital bed and look around one last time, reluctant to leave, fearing that she may have left something behind. She was deathly pale, her skin verging on some shade of grey and pain was etched across her imitated smile. She moved slowly and without any force in her stride, like she was struggling to find her feet.
It took the utmost power of resistance not to run to her side, to block out her suffering and he shut his eyes tightly, trying desperately not to loose sight of his intent. But even when he wasn't looking, Troy couldn't escape from her image.
He had denied it one thousand times over, tried to convince himself that it was neither true nor possible but seclusion only mirrored his heart as the solemn soundless place that he 'lived' in screamed the truth.
Silence always has the loudest voice.
So he remained motionless, sitting with his head resting on top of his bent knees and his arms slung around his legs. Troy was never one to be so torn over a course of action, indeed he was usually the type of person who would make a decision and stick with it, for better or for worse. But with Gabriella it was different.
Troy had always had a secret dream, a wish that he dared not speak aloud and so he kept it concealed in the depths of his mind and in the depths of his heart. He voiced it only to an almighty power and to his own deep conscious. Some would say it was a façade, a cry for approval from god, but he knew otherwise. And even though in all of his years his wish never materialised, he always held onto the glimmer of hope that told him that maybe one day he could live up to his aspirations.
Troy's dream was simple: He wished he could become a good person.
He couldn't be with her, or even be near her for as long as he still set out to achieve his ambition. It called for selfless sacrifice, an act for the greater good. But no matter what way he looked at it, he could never truly do what was in her best interests without staying as far away as he possibly could. He had finally come to terms with the idea that so long as he was near her, he could never let her go and he was sure that that was selfishness in its purest form. She had to be set free of her chains, and of him because she could never move forward without letting go of the past.
She could never take off and fly with her mistakes still haunting her.
And so, he knew that he had to give her up and stand back, only to watch her from a distance.
All conquering love had done it again - it so often fell short of it's name - he just couldn't believe that he had been the fool to get caught twice. Leaning back he tilted his head upwards, searching in a vain notion that he would find a clue telling him that he was doing the right thing. The future had never looked more joyless or more without hope, but he had convinced himself that there was no alternative. Love hurt so much more than he remembered.
Troy didn't realise it, but it was at that moment that she needed him to be less than what he was.