Year 2

Chapter 9: Filch – the Paranoid Anti-social Stalker

New chapter by Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

{-9-}

There was blood on the walls. There was a cat on the floor, not moving. Harry stopped his trek to see what was going on. There was Filch and some professors as well. This couldn't be good.

"My Mrs. Norris!" Filch cried again.

"There, there," the headmaster patted him on the back. "We'll catch the culprits who did this," he assured.

"I watch them, you know, sniff," Filch sniffed into his sleeve. "They're rotten to the core. All of them. Even… you! Potter! You did this!"

"What?" That caught Harry off guard.

"Came to watch an old caretaker lose his companion is that it? Come to gloat over your malfeasance?"

"What?" That was Harry again, caught off guard that Filch knew to use the word malfeasance.

"You're around here, boy, so you must be responsible! What did you do to my Mrs. Norris?"

"You know," Harry started, "for a paranoid anti-social stalker, you don't pay close enough attention to me. I'm not skilled enough with chemistry…"

"Potions," Dumbledore corrected.

"Whatever. I'm not skilled enough to pull off doping your cat enough to keep its eyes open."

"Fine, I guess…" Filch agreed.

Harry cocked his head to the side and replied, "Unless I were to use some Crazy Glue to keep its eyes open after I got the cat doped up…"

Filch pointed at Harry and screamed, "See?! See?! Punish him! He did it! He admits it!"

Harry calmly responded, "Not at all. Because I'm still not skilled enough in chemistry…" (Harry looked at Dumbledore to see if he corrected him again) "… at chemistry to figure out how to dope your cat. That is the initial issue I see."

"Fine, I guess…." Filch acquiesced.

"Unless I ordered something from offsite to do it…" Harry surmised.

"See?! See?! He admits it again!" Filch pointed out.

"Not at all. Because there is no way for me to order anything," Harry pointed out. "It's not like there is a phone anywhere in this castle – I know; I've looked."

"You could always order it by owl," Filch pointed out.

"That's crazy talk. Which suits this nut house fine, but does not get past the one thing here: I don't use owls to order supplies because that would mean I would have to believe in magic – which as this old and senile patient will confirm, I don't believe it," Harry pointed to Dumbledore who nodded that Harry was speaking the truth.

"…but you're in a school for magic," Filch almost asked.

"Don't remind me," Harry grimaced.

"Then, why are you here?" Filch was confused.

Harry grit his teeth, saying, "Apparently my parents were so concerned about my mental well-being while I was a toddler, that they enrolled me in this loony bin before I had my first shrink test. Gotta love the people that grew up in that generation of free love.

"I thought that was the 60's. Lots of free pharmaceuticals too. Good times," Filch reminisced.

Harry put his hands up in surrender. "TMI, man, T-M-I."

{-9-}

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Steve2