This one's for Cactuis in the cold!! Thanks for reviewing and suggesting! I changed just a few things from the suggestion, but I hope everyone likes it and I'm sorry it took so long!

Warnings for mild language and bad pairings!!

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"Jeez it's cold out here." Ed grumbled as he and Roy snuggled closer together in a cold rock cave. Roy had offered to light a fire if Ed would find wood, but there was a 7-inch layer of snow on the ground and all Ed had on was his tank top and pants and boots. Envy had stolen any clothes they hadn't been wearing when they went to sleep last night, leaving Roy with only his pants and socks. Ed knew it was Envy who had stolen them because no one else would wear a stomach-revealing parka in this weather except a crazy homonculus. As much as Ed had wanted to track the stupid thief, Roy wouldn't let him go. Partially because he was sure Ed would freeze to death out there, but also because without Ed's bodyheat, he was going to freeze in here. Roy wrapped an arm around Ed to pull him closer and Ed pressed himself against Roy's chest. Of all the days Roy could've ripped his gloves on an icicle, now was definitely the worst.

Envy grinned in an icy mirror he'd found in his own little cave as he tried on Ed's and Roy's jackets. He didn't like Roy's shirt, so he'd already burned that to keep warm. He heard foot falls behind him and turned angrily toward the sound. The FullMetal runt couldn't possibly have found him so soon. Envy blinked.

Was that a prehistoric hairball rolling his way?

"Yummy." It said. Envy was now able to locate the mouth.

"I don't think so, Buddy. I may be hungry, but not for an owl pellet from the dawn of time. I think I'll pass."

"No, no. Girl-pop."

"You got popsicles?"

"You are a popsicle, you idiot! You're gonna make me use actual grammar and spell it out for you? Come here Babe, 'cause I'm gonna dip you in the pond over there and make you into a popsicle!"

Envy wasn't sure what to say. 'I mean, an owl pellet is threatening to eat me.'

"What's your name?" The homonculus stalled.

"Yet von Hackedon. Yours?"

"Nice name. Mine's Envy." Envy stepped forward to shake Yet's hand after remembering his manners. Then he realized he was a stupid retarded idiot of a homonculus because he'd allowed the speaking hairball from the jurassic to get a hold of him. The hair muffled his screams as he was carried to the freezing glacier pond that "Yeti von Hackedon" liked to swim in. He died a very painfully cold death, and was very much enjoyed by Yeti von Hackedon after dinner.

Ed left Roy to go hunting for wood again, but no luck. His arms stung from the cold and he couldn't move his fingers. He heard crunching behind and whirled around, looking for a thick parka'd head and a tiny bare waist. Instead, he saw an uncooked dumpling the size of Roy's ego waddling toward him. He let his arms drop from their fighting stance.

"Is that edible?" He asked no one in particular.

"I don't know, but in popsicle form it tasted OK." The dumpling replied. "You look cold, do you want to borrow my coat?"

"What?"

"Ever since I ate that popsicle, I can take off my coat. I hope it doesn't smell too much." The dumpling shouldered off a hairy layer, leaving himself with a thick, shiny skin-tight fur coat. He handed Ed the thicker, shaggier coat he'd just removed and Ed carefully but gratefully accepted it. It was very warm and it actually smelled kind of nice. He studied the now-human-shaped figure standing in front of him. The smooth white coat of hair obscured some of its features, but Ed could tell the furry creature was in good hsape with round shoulders and biceps and a flat stomach.

"Um, hey...What are you? And are you a boy or a girl?" Ed asked.

"I'm Yeti von Hackedon. And um...After I ate that popsicle, I figured out I can change back and forth. Isn't that kinda cool?"

"Um...Yeah I guess. So you're a Yeti?"

"No, that's my name. My brother's Don, but after that one year at summer camp, everybody started calling him 'BigFoot'. It's a long story."

"Wow, that's cool. I'm an alchemist."

"Fascinating. Can you fix this for me?" Yeti held out a comb that had snapped in two.

"Easy." Ed clapped his hands and patted the comb and in a flash it looked brand new.

"Wow...Th-that's pretty amazing."

Ed was a little confused as to why Yeti was blushing.

"A-am I blushing?" he whimpered.

"Yeah. Why are you doing that?" Ed replied.

"Well, it's just that... when I'm a girl, you look very handsome."

"Uh. Really?" Ed was flattered. Even when Roy had first tried to woo him, he'd never really complimented Ed. It was a nice feeling.

"Yes. And you look very strong too."

"Thank you." Ed squeaked. He raised his eyes slowly to meet Yeti's. He could hear his heart thumping in his chest.

Roy stepped out to see if his shrimpy little subordinate had fallen into a snowdrift. What he saw chilled him even more than walking in the snow without shoes on. A guy with a shiny white coat like a dalmation's but without the spots, was leaning down to kiss Edward.

"How dare you!" At Roy's scream, Ed jumped.

"R-Roy! W-wait-um..."

"How could you do this to me? What have I ever done to you to deserve this?"

"Well it's more like what you don't do." Ed shouted back, recovering him his guilt at being caught. How dare Roy treat him like that when he was always flirting with random women!

"Oh really? Well I'll show you what I'm going to do!"

"Oh yeah-" Ed was cut off by a whoosh of flames as Roy rubbed his torn glove pieces together and incinerated Yeti von Hackedon. Ed's eyes widened.

"How...How could you do this!" he ran and stood over Yeti, afraid to touch him.

"Hmph. You can finish this stupid patrol mission on your own. I'm going back to Central." Roy ran angrily down the mountainside, heedless of the icicles already decorating his hair.

Ed dropped to his knees next to Yeti.

"Damn." He couldn't help imagining human alchemy, but he just couldn't do it. Not after what happened last time. As he chewed his lip in worry, a blue light started to shine from Yeti's body. Ed watched in wonder as the skin began to regain its color and soft glow, the fur its sheen, and soon the eyes blinked open.

"Yeti? Are you alive?" Ed leaned over the body again.

"Yes...How strange."

Ed couldn't help himself. He threw himself over Yeti's warm, soft body.

"I don't think this is normal... ...At all." Yeti remarked. Something occurred to Ed suddenly.

"Hey, if you don't mind me asking...What the hell did you eat earlier?"

"Umm...Envy."

"...Yeti? That's a feeling. Do you mean some kind of ivy?"

"No, she said her name was Envy. I turned her into a popsicle and ate her for dessert."

"Wait, did he have long greenish hair?"

"Yes, she did."

"YOU ATE ENVY?"

"Yes, I already told you that." For a moment, Ed was frozen and stunned. Then as Yeti sat up, Ed wrapped his arms around his neck.

"I LOVE YOU!"

"What, er, really?"

"YES! YOU ATE ENVY!"

Yeti and Edward wrapped their arms around one another and after a moment, Yeti pulled back to look Ed in the eye.

"Um, Edward? When humans fall in love, they get married, isn't that correct?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well um...Do you want to get married?" Yeti blushed slightly.

"Well, I guess if you want to."

"Oh yes!"

"OK then, but on one condition: We have to go back to my home town and get my brother's blessing, OK?"

"What do you mean?"

"We have to ask if he's OK with it."

"Alright! Here, hang onto my back, my fur coat can now double as a hang-glider!"

"That's awesome!" Ed climbed on and Yeti took a running start before gripping both sides of his fur coat and jumping off a nearby cliff.

"Brother! We weren't expecting to see you again so soon! Your automail isn't broken, is it?"

"No, I'm fine Al. How're you?" Ed smiled at his adorable younger brother.

"Well, I'm really good...Yeah...Winry and I are really good..."

"Well um, there's someone I wanted you to meet and she's a new friend of mine. Her name is Yeti." Ed motioned Yeti forward. Al made a face like he'd just watched a cat hack up a hairball(1).

"It looks like a white seal chimera from Antartica." he said without thinking.

"Thank you! I love being so sleek and smooth now that I can take off my over coat. I've been called an owl pellet and a hairball when I was wearing that." She ended with a growl.

"So, um, come on in." Al said. Ed and Yeti followed him into the Rockbells' house. Suddenly, Al wheeled around and grabbed Ed's shoulders, looking down an inch or two into Ed's face.

"IwantomarryWinry-pleasecanwehaveyourblessing?" he gasped in one breath.

"Really? You and Winry?" Al nodded shakily

"Yeah sure. But only if you give us your blessing." Ed grabbed Yeti's hand and pulled her up next to him.

"What! Are you sure?"

"Yep. She has great taste and she's really strong."

"Well if you're happy, then yes."

"So, uh, did you guys have a date in mind?" Ed asked Winry and Al. Yeti was blushing deeply, which through her coat, made her face look dog-poop brown.

"Well we were-" Al was cut off in midsentence by the door slamming open.

"Edward!"

"ROY?" Ed glared at the colonel in the doorway.

"I wanted to apologize for running off like that in the mountain-Ahgh! Bread mold monster from hell alarm!" Roy stepped protectively in front of the person behind him, who Ed realized was Riza Hawkeye.

"I'll take care of it, Sir." Riza stepped under Roy's arm and pulled out a strange looking plastic gun. She pulled the trigger and out of the muzzle squirted something wet and misty. Ed sniffed.

"Hawkeye! Don't spray her with disinfectant!"

"Her?" Roy and Riza both gasped.

"She's my freaking fiance you stupid colonel!"

"And she's...a seal? Covered in hair? A new species? Taller than you?" Roy put emphasis on the last and was rewarded with a violent, angry rant from Ed before Yeti snapped at Roy.

"You killed me! Incinerated me!"

"AUGH! Resurrrected dead mythical mountain creature alarm!" Roy jumped in front of Riza for the second time. After a moment, she said "I'm not sure what to shoot it with, Sir. Any requests? I have a gooze-gun."

"Stop shooting at my fiance! What the hell are you doing here anyway!"

"To apologize and to tell you that-" Roy took a very deep breath "Riza and I are getting married and I found out the Fuhrer was in love with Envy, so when YOU ate him, the Fuhrer committed suicide so then I got the lieutenant here to intimidate all the higher-ups, so now I'm Fuhrer which means that you can do whatever you want because I say so."

Ed was speechless for a moment, then

"Wow! Thanks...So you and Riza?"

Roy nodded, smiling at his beautiful subordinate (RIZA!! Not Ed!).

"Hey! I just thoguht of something really romantic! I know this guy, lives in Scotland...Well, what I mean is, how about a triple wedding riding on the Loch Ness monster's back?" Yeti broke in.

"Whoa! Are you serious?" Ed and Al spoke at the same time.

"Oh yeah. If we're lucky, we could each ride a different one! There's a bunch of those little dolphins in there!" Al looked at Winry, Yeti looked at Ed and Roy looked at Riza. After a bit, it was decided they would all be married on the lock. Al and Winry would honeymoon in the mountains, Roy and Riza would go to the beach, and Ed and Yeti would go back to the Himalayas for a honeymoon of skiing, hang-gliding and, in general, freezing.

The wedding photographer's reputation was completely ruined by his collection of pictures of big, blurry, brown-gray, bloated water animals being slipped on (and occasionally slipped off of) by three slimy-shoed, awkward brides in ridiculous dresses and soaking wet grooms who were trying to keep everyone upright.

But he did win a prize for actually photographing a mythical creature.

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(1) Go to http://www.elricalchemist. to see fanart of Al's expression.

I do not own Gooze, just thought I'd say that.

R&R please! Suggestions always welcome, but PLEASE nothing dirty!!