(Peyton's POV)
'I'm sorry.' There are so many things to say, and that's the best I can think of? What the hell? I thought, but even though my mouth hung open, I could not think of one more word. What was I supposed to say to him? What would make this better? I closed my mouth, then opened it again, but still, I could think of nothing, except how ticked off I was at myself for standing here like an idiot.
A grin crossed over his face, and I lost all trains of thought. He was so gorgeous. He always had been, of course, but now it was even more pronounced. I wanted to close the distance between us and kiss him for hours, since neither of us needed air. I wanted to show him just how good it could be to be intimate when we were both immortal. I still didn't know what he was thinking, though, so I stayed put.
Just as I wanted to turn and run away, he opened his mouth, and I held my unnecessary breath, waiting for the perfection I knew his voice would be. He actually laughed, a real laugh, that I wasn't sure I would have been capable of just yesterday. I wasn't so sure about now. I could almost feel myself healing, just being in his presence. "You look like a fish out of water. Opening and closing your mouth," his words came out at a quiet murmur, which I heard perfectly, even from across the clearing.
Suddenly, I could handle it no longer. I felt myself losing control of my muscles, and in a heartbeat-which is an ironic way to measure time, considering neither of us actually had one-I was standing in front of him, looking into his golden eyes. I can't be sure who initiated the hug, but in the next instant, his arms were wrapped around me in a perfect Lucas hug and my face was buried into his now granite hard chest.
Taking in a deep breath, trying to imprint his new scent in my mind, wondering when he would gather his senses and push me away, I kept my arms tight around him, knowing I would let go as soon as he wanted me to. I felt a sob wrack my shoulders, and wondered where that had come from. I would be crying if I could be, and I wasn't even sure why. How strange. I supposed they would be tears of joy.
His arms tightened around me, although I hadn't thought he could grip me any tighter, and I heard his own intake of breath, as if he was also trying to memorize me scent, and he too was wondering when this was going to end. I wondered how long he would put up with me. He had to hate me now, that had been the point of my letter. I had been hoping he would. Now I wished I had never written it.
Of course, I had only been wishing that since about two minutes after I had written it, and that feeling had doubled once I had left it where he would find it, but I can't change what happened. If I could, I really would, especially knowing that he had been changed anyway. With that thought, I pulled my head back and looked at his eyes, remembering the blue they used to be. I felt another dry sob wrack my shoulders.
His fingers snaked around, lifting my chin so I couldn't avert my gaze. His fingers felt evenly matched finally, and I didn't feel like I would break him if I tried to hold his hand. Or do more. She wanted to test that theory, but she knew that it wouldn't be well-received. She forced herself to focus on the moment instead, and she watched his lips move. "Sorry for what?" he asked, his voice still a whisper.
Closing her eyes for a brief moment, she replayed the sound of his voice in her head again and again. She wanted to be able to replay it when he finally came to his senses and left her like she deserved, and she was pulled back into the pain like she knew would happen. She opened her eyes when she remembered he wanted an answer.
Swallowing, she realized they were still wrapped in each other's arms, and she hoped he never realized that, because she had never felt more whole than she did in this moment. "I, um, well, I'm sorry for everything, I guess. I mean, I'm definitely sorry for the way things ended, and I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise. I'm just sorry," she said after a moment.
For a moment he didn't say anything, and I couldn't help but imagine kissing him. His arms were still around me, and since he was still relatively new born, even if his eyes had already changed colors, I couldn't have pulled away if I wanted to. Not that I wanted to. There was no way I was letting him go until he let me go. "Really?" he gaze bore into mine golden and beautiful.
Under his intense stare, which hadn't changed, despite the change in eye color, I felt a chill run up and down my spine. I knew he could feel my shudder, and I wondered if he knew why I was shuddering. He pulled away in the next second, so I was pretty sure he didn't, but I didn't feel like voicing the correction. Not yet. Not until I knew whether or not he still loved me.
Before I could blink he was across the clearing, sitting amongst the trees, and I felt the hole creeping up on me again. The pain would be soon after, I knew. He had rejected me, I was sure, and in that moment, I felt every ounce of pain I'd felt begin to come rushing back, like the tide was threatening to engulf me completely.
Still, I stayed where I was, nodding, and I would answer his question, because there was still an inquiry in his gaze. "Well, yeah. That was seriously the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I hated myself for doing it, but I thought it was best for you at the time," I couldn't help the bitter laugh that was trying to hide the pain. "I guess it ended up not mattering anyway. I'm sorry you're stuck like this, anyway," I said.
(Lucas' POV)
It had been an unconscious reaction to pull her into my arms. It was a moment of weakness and I had been unable to resist, especially when she hadn't pushed me away immediately. I had been able to allow myself the illusion that she actually didn't hate me. I had seen the pain in her gaze as she apologized, and I figured she hated the closeness, but didn't want to offend me.
So I had taken myself as far away from her as possible, and was surprised by what she said after. It was the hardest thing she had to do? Why had it been so hard for her? I understood the bitter laugh, because now she was stuck with her mistake for the whole of eternity, but I didn't know why she apologized to me, because it had sounded sincere.
That was what had me truly confused. I tried to work it out in my mind, and I could see the self-control she had to exercise to stay in her spot, but for some reason I just couldn't let this go. I deduced that she had to be feeling guilty, but it wasn't her fault. "Don't," I said, cutting myself off so I could regain control of my voice. "Don't feel sorry. It wasn't your fault," that was all I could manage.
For a moment she froze completely, and I knew from experience that she was thinking, considering what I said, and trying to figure out what I meant. I could almost see the wheels turning in her mind, and I wanted to be close to her, to brush her hair out of her face and leave a linger kiss on her lips, whisper to her 'Stop thinking,' like I used to.
Just thinking about doing that, I almost did. In fact, I was standing in front of her again before I had stopped myself, and I almost reached out and touched her, but I managed to keep my hand at my side. She took in a shaky breath, and I wondered if she was remembering those moments too, but I couldn't ask. I couldn't stand it if she wasn't.
Looking like she was in pain, I saw understanding alight in her golden eyes. I think it was understanding, anyway. I couldn't be sure after it had been so long since we'd really known each other. I couldn't be sure I'd ever really known her, anyway. She lifted the corners of her mouth in what was supposed to be a small smile, but wasn't real. "It's not that easy," she said sadly.
Tilting my head, I looked back at her, wondering what exactly she was talking about. Before I could even consider a response, though, she seemed to realize it was a little confusing, because she opened her mouth again to continue. "Lucas, you can't tell me not to feel bad, because I do. I left because I truly thought it would be better for you if I did. I didn't want to. I thought I had to," she said intensely.
It would be wonderful to believe that was true, but it wasn't. It couldn't be. Her letter had said… I let that thought trail off, unable to deal with the pain that would come with it. I focused on the moment, because I could see her now, with me, even if it would never be in the way I wanted it, and I didn't want the moment tainted by the pain of the past.
What she said just wouldn't stop buzzing around in my mind, though. I just couldn't leave it at that, as much as I wanted to. I understand why she thinks so much, now. There is just so much room in my mind now, it's impossible not to fill it with thoughts. I opened my mouth, trying to hope that this wouldn't sound needy and full of pain. "But you said, in your letter," I couldn't choke out the words.
Luckily, she seemed to get what I meant. She immediately raised her eyebrows in disbelief, and after a moment of shocked silence, she started laughing, but she tried to cover it up with a cough, which we both knew was ridiculous. "You believed that? How can you believe the lie, but not the truth? Honestly, I thought that letter would never fool you," she murmured, mostly to herself, but I heard, of course.
Unable to think of anything to say to that, I just stared at her, wondering if it could really be the truth. Was the letter really the lie, and everything else the truth? She had seemed sincere in her feelings all year, even if she'd been confusing in the beginning. So why did it really have to be that she had been lying all that time? Maybe because that made it easier to believe she could just leave like that.
No, I can't let myself go down that train of thought right now. If I let myself begin to think that, then I won't be able to let her go when she wants to. I know she'll want to leave again. I can't count on her hanging around for any amount of time. I'll just have to try to be her friend now, while she'll let me, and maybe we can talk about some of the bigger things, before she leaves again.
With a sigh, I collapsed on the ground, pulling my knees up and resting my head on them, not because I needed to sit, but I wanted to be able to hide my face from her. I wanted to do nothing more than stare at her, but I didn't want her to be able to stare at me, too, because I didn't want her to see what I was feeling. She used to be good at that. Or at least I'd thought she'd been. I wasn't sure about anything anymore.
Without making a sound, she was suddenly in front of me. I could sense her presence as she reached out, and I looked up, her face was inches from mine, as she kneeled. I wanted to reach out and kiss her, but I was able to resist the urge, barely, by remembering the pain. If I focused on enough of that, I could pretend I wasn't still in love with her.
Biting on her lip, she looked like she wanted to ask me what was wrong, but she was afraid of the answer. I shook my head. I didn't want to go into it now. Well, I wanted to talk about it, but I couldn't. I needed to, but at the same time, I needed to avoid the talk. I placed my hand on hers, which was resting on my arm, reveling in the feel, her skin which was now not hard and cold, but the same texture as mine.
Her eyes slipped closed, as if she was reveling in the moment as much as I was, but I didn't want to disillusion myself, even as a part of me felt like I was falling even deeper in love every moment I was still in her presence. I smiled at her when her eyes opened, and she sent me a half-smile back, the one I wanted to believe was just for me.
Before I made a conscious choice to lie down, I was on my back, laying in the field like we used to, and she was laying next to me, and we weren't as close as we used to lay, but our arms and legs were barely touching, so she was close enough to drive me crazy. I looked up at what stars we could see from between the trees, and I realized that it had been less than an hour, but it was probably about an hour or so from dawn. Would we still be here then?
To be honest, I'd give anything to see her again in the sunlight, with my new senses. I could remember what she looked like, but those were my dim, human memories, and they weren't as clear as they could have been, because I'd tried to suppress them so much before I was even changed into a vampire. It had been a fine line, between being scared to remember, but hating to forget, and I'd fallen in the former category for a long time.
There was silence for a long time, an I'd give anything to be able to reach out, and link our fingers, like we used to, or even just our pinkies, anything, if I knew I wouldn't be rejected, but I knew that was impossible, and I couldn't really survive anymore direct rejection from her. I needed to stay in safe territory. "So," I finally broke the silence, "At least the weather is supposed to be good for the wedding, right," I tried.
A laugh burbled up, but she managed to keep it from coming out. She looked over at me, one eyebrow cocked. "You're seriously talking about the weather?" she asked, then she seemed to wince, but I had a feeling it wasn't at anything I did. "Of course you are," she murmured, to herself, bringing her gaze up to meet mine. "I'm glad they're still together," she changed the subject from the weather.
Not sure what to say, really, I just nodded. "Yeah, some couples aren't that lucky, but I'm sure they're going to last forever. I just wish I wouldn't have to disappear out of their lives," I cut myself off with a wince, and knew instantly that wasn't the right thing to say. I wish I could take back the words as I saw her move away, but they hung in the air between us.
As she stood among the trees on the opposite side of the clearing, her phone started ringing, and I saw her internal battle as she tried to decide whether or not to answer. I looked up at the sky, and noticed the first rays of the early dawn light would be coming through the trees soon. I tried to ignore the fact that I had just completely ruined the time she had been willing to give me.
After what seemed like an eternity, her phone stopped ringing, but a few seconds later, it chirped, letting her know she had a voicemail. She flipped it open, and in the surrounding silence, the sound of her pressing buttons sounded way louder than it should have. I heard the sound of a male voice perfectly through the phone, and when she slammed it closed, I had to resist the urge to wince.
For a few seconds, I couldn't look up at her. I wished she would stay here with me, but I knew that wouldn't happen. This Julian who, from what Haley implies, is her boyfriend, asked her to meet him, so why would she hang around with me. I looked up finally to see her eyes looking at the sky, before her gaze met mine, and I had to force myself to stay still.
Swallowing, she glanced back up at the sky, which wasn't quite bright enough yet to allow either of us to be hit by the rays of sunlight. I could see the regret in her gaze, and I wonder what she was regretting exactly. It didn't make much sense, but then, she never had, really. "I, um, I have to go. I'll see you around," she bit on her lip, hesitating.
Instead of trying to speak around the lump in my throat, I lifted a hand in a wave, which probably seemed more like a dismissal, but I just couldn't say anything. I was feeling the sting of rejection even more than I thought I would. I should have known that she would be leaving, but a part of me had hoped she would stay so we could talk.
Trying not to look at her, I laid back on the ground. I heard her stand there for a few moments, and I rested my forearm over my eyes, trying to control the pain that had never really been controllable. I wished she would just leave me to wallow in my pain in peace. It took another minute or two, but eventually she did.
A/N: Hey, aren't you all a lucky group. You get to read the next chapter of this fic, because my muse for this one was working with me. What did you think of the interaction between Lucas and Peyton? I knew it would end up being angst-filled, just because they are. I got a new fan for this fic in between the last chapter and this one, so I just wanted to say a special thanks to that person. I'd say I'm going to try to update more often, but I really just don't have the time now, what with graduation and then moving to another state, so when I get settled, I promise I'll try to get back into writing again. Until then expect updates to be way irregular. I hope anyone still reading continues to read when I can get updates posted.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.