A/N IMPORTANT
I posted two chapters this week, if you opened this one first go back and read the previous chapter or else this one will not make any sense. :)
Okay, this chapter is written differently, see the end for the full explanation about why. Thanks for sticking with me.
Update: Thank you to my betas beautifulnightmarex and Tds88, as well as my pre-reader Beachlover! They are amazing, I am lucky to have their help and guidance!
Chapter 9: Losing My Religion
Bella's world is hazy, almost as if she's in a foggy tunnel, the edge of her vision tinged with black shadows. It's disorienting trying to figure out exactly what is happening. She is drowning in panic and the room feels like it is caving in around, suffocating her every breath.
"Bella?" Edward questions, jumping up and moving in her direction.
"Bella, what's wrong?" he asks frantically. "Jesus, Bella, you're hyperventilating!"
"She's having a panic attack." Jasper determines also coming towards her.
"Get Carlisle!" Edward yells, holding her face gently.
"Bella, listen to me, you need to slow your breathing down. Come on, baby, let's do it together. Breathe in." Looking into her eyes, he takes a slow breath willing her to do the same. "And then out. That's right, breathe with me, in...out."
She tries to focus on his voice; it's familiar and a part of her recognizes a certain amount of comfort in his touch.
"That's it. That's my girl." He soothes.
"Edward, what's going on?" Carlisle asks as he, Esme, Alice, and Jasper rush back into the room.
"She's having a panic attack," Edward answers, not breaking eye contact as he continues to breathe in synch with her. "What should we do?"
Carlisle comes over and kneels next to Edward, taking her wrist, he feels her pulse. "Just keep doing what you're doing. It will pass soon. She just needs to breathe through it."
Edward maintains eye contact as they continue to breathe in and out. Slowly the pressure on her chest eases and the dizziness fades.
"What the hell happened?" Jasper asks.
Back in control of her breathing, she attempts to assess the situation to decide what to do. Aro and James are coming to take her back to hell. There is no way she can allow that to happen. Caius made her promise she wouldn't let him win. He said getting away from Aro was all her mom wanted for her, and being free is the best way to honor her memory. Shifting into survival mode, she evaluates her environment. She needs to escape. There is no other choice. She can't let anyone stop her.
She needs to go now.
Finally able to move, she roughly pulls out of Edward's grasp and jumps out of the chair. She looks desperately around the room for the best route. Her heart is pounding, and everyone else's panic is only feeding hers. Lights and colors explode around her, preventing the ability to think clearly and calm down.
"Devo andare, devo andare," she mumbles, looking around the room, not realizing she slipped back into her native tongue.
"What is she saying?" Edward slowly approaches her, clearly confused by the change in language.
His face looks stricken as he tries to calm her. A part of her wants to go to him, but Caius warned against trusting anyone. Her mother trusted people and ended up dead.
"It's Italian," Alice whispers. "She's saying she has to go."
"Why is she speaking Italian? Is she Italian?" Jasper questions, looking to Edward for the answer. Everyone else stands still, stunned by her chaotic behavior.
"No…I don't know!" Edward yells, frustrated by his inability to help her.
"Don't you think it's strange she's suddenly speaking Italian?" Jasper asks, appraising her suspiciously.
"Jasper, back the fuck off. I don't really care why she is speaking Italian right now. The only thing I care about is helping her calm down," Edward snarls, never taking his eyes off of her, continuing to slowly move in her direction.
"Bella, what's going on? Where do you have to go?" Edward asks in a calming tone, gently grabbing her arm to stop her harried movements.
"Don't touch me!" she screams. Edward jumps back and holds up his hands in submission. "Tu non capisciha intenzione ditrovareme!"
"Alice, what is she saying?" Edward whispers.
"You don't understand. He's going to find me," Alice translates.
She tries to move to the door, but in her disoriented state ends up walking backwards into a corner as everyone surrounds her. Why won't they let her leave?
"Bella, let me help you," Edward says, trying to get her to focus on him.
"Nessuno mi puo aiutare!" she cries, desperate to get out of the room.
"She's saying that no one can help her," Alice translates through her own tears.
"Sweetheart, no one is going to hurt you here. Let us help you. Everything will be alright, just let us help you." Esme tries to break through her panic with a motherly tone.
Don't they understand, no one can save her from Aro and James? The only choice is to escape. She slowly moves against the wall trying to find a way out. Trying to show their support, the family positions themselves around her, moving when she moves, but their good intention does nothing but fuel the feeling of being trapped.
"Carlisle, what the hell is happening?" Edward watches her closely.
"I don't know, Edward. She's not grasping the reality around her. This is more than a panic attack. Does Bella have a history of these types of episodes?"
"Not that I know of. About two years ago, she had a bad reaction to a case, but she just shut down. Nothing like this. Fuck! I can't stand seeing her like this. Tell me what to do to help her!" His own eyes fill with tears as he watches her struggle.
Edward stays in front of her following her movements down the wall. His arms are still held in a submissive position, his hands twitch, desperate to touch her.
"Non si capisce che cosa accadrà se mi becca. Egli mi tortura, devo uscire di qui."
"She's saying we don't understand what will happen if he catches her. He will torture her. She wants to get out of here," Alice continues to translate.
"Edward, what is she talking about? Why would someone torture her?" Jasper asks, mimicking Edward's movements to the side, ready to intervene if she runs.
"Bella, I don't understand. You're not making any sense. Who's going to catch you?" Edward asks, trying to approach her again.
"LUI! Egli mi perseguiterà per sempre. Perché non può semplicemente lasciarmi andare?"
"Him. He will haunt me forever. Why can't he let me go?" Alice responds for Bella.
"Who is she talking about? She's terrified, Edward. Who's after her?" Alice asks, wiping tears from her eyes. Esme comes over to put her arm around Alice in mutual comfort.
"I don't know, Alice! Just let me get her calm before we worry about the specifics," Edward reprimands.
"Bella, I promise, I would never let anyone hurt you, but you have to tell me what is going on. You have to trust me," Edward pleads, looking deeply into her eyes, silently asking her to let him approach.
Everyone whispers in the background on the best way to calm her down. She stares at Edward, sincerity and concern showing in his eyes. There is something that makes her want to trust him, but as soon as she considers it, she reminds herself of all the deaths that have resulted from trusting the wrong person.
She doesn't want to die. She doesn't want anyone to die.
"Esme, go get my bag. Edward, I have something to sedate her, but we will need to hold her down," Carlisle states. Edward turns to look at him with wide eyes.
"Do we really need to take it to that level? She is already scared enough, you think grabbing her is the best option?"
"We need to calm her down, and right now, she's not capable of doing it on her own."
"Vi prego di non farmi male," she begs. "Ti prego, lasciami andare."
"She's asking you not to hurt her. To let her go," Alice interrupts.
"I will never hurt you, Bella," Edward chokes out, "but I can't let you go. Not like this, not ever. Tell me why you're afraid. I'll protect you, I swear."
With a sudden fire in her eyes, she points at Jasper. "It's his fault!" she screams, anger replacing the panic.
Edward looks back at Jasper, who is looking at her bewildered by her accusation. "How, Bella? How is this Jasper's fault?" He moves closer with his arms up as if approaching a wild animal.
"If he gets those files, everyone will know!"
"The Volturi files?" Jasper questions.
"Yes! You will all know, and he will find me!"
Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Esme return with a bag, taking it over to Carlisle. He pulls out a syringe before walking back in her direction. She continues to creep against the wall toward a window, planning her escape.
"Who will find you, Bella?" Edward asks.
"Aro Volturi! My father!" she screams.
The room goes deathly silent, both Edward and Jasper are speechless. They look horrified and frozen.
Realizing this was her chance, she quickly turns and using both hands fisted together, hits the window breaking the first pane. She barely recognizes the pain in her arm as she tries to break the second pane. Edward grabs her tightly, holding her arms down to prevent her from hitting the glass again. She struggles for a moment before she feels a small pinch in her arm. Her body starts feeling heavy, her eyes fuzzy.
"Calm down, baby. I got you."
Edward moves with her as she sinks to the floor, eventually being cradled in his arms. It is the first time she has felt secure. The last thing she remembers is Edward kissing her temple as she succumbs to unconsciousness.
I do not speak Italian; all translations are from Google, so I apologize for any non-grammatically correct sentences. There is no disrespect intended.
Okay, so why two chapters and change in writing style? In this chapter, Bella is experiencing a type of dissociative state called depersonalization. People who experience these states describe feeling like they are in a dream watching their life through a third person perspective.
I decided to take a bit of a risk by writing in the third person instead of first to make it realistic. I went back and forth on this, but decided to remain true to the experience it makes the most sense.
I realized the switch in perspective would be confusing and might easier to digest if it was in a separate chapter. I am a bit nervous about this one and I hope my risk was not a complete failure.
So now we know who Bella is, surprised or had it figured out? Next up, a long overdue conversation between Edward and Bella, especially now that her secret is out.
Translations:
Devo andare = I have to go
Tu non capisci, ha intenzione ditrovareme!= You don't understand, he's going to find me
Nessuno mi puo aiutare = No one can help me
Non si capisce che cosa accadrà se mi becca. Egli mi tortura, devo uscire di qui. = You don't understand what will happen if he catches me. He will torture me, I have to get out of here.
LUI! Egli mi perseguiterà per sempre. Perché non può semplicemente lasciarmi andare? = HIM! He will haunt me forever. Why can't he just let me go?
Vi prego di non farmi male = Please don't hurt me
Ti prego, lasciami andare = Please, let me go