Thanks for the reviews!
I still don't own BoB, only Livia and some other random mentioned characters are mine.
Alright, this is a bit longer chapter...
Chapter 10 Remember the Good Things
When Livia got out from headquarters she ran straight to nurse's barrack not seeing the couple of guys from Easy who stood on the yard and watched after her. When she got to nurses room, Matilda, Rita and Kate were there. The three nurses turned to look at the door when it was thrown open and saw Livia standing there looking lost. Now the tears came widely down her cheeks and Matilda went to the door and put her arm on the blonde's shoulders.
"What is it?"
"Paul... He's dead." Livia sobbed. "My brother is dead!"
"Oh my God, Livia. I'm so sorry." Matilda said quietly.
Matilda led Livia to sit on her bed and she cried for a while on her shoulder. No one noticed that the letter which had been on her hand fell down on the floor when Livia tried to control her desperate crying.
Livia was still crying on Matilda's shoulder when they heard the door thrown open. Everyone except Livia jumped a little when they realized who it was who stood there by the door. Matilda, Rita and Kate watched to the lieutenant Speirs in amaze until he spoke.
"Can you leave us for a moment?"
The three nurses made no sign to disobey this man, they were all scared of him, though Livia had assured that he wasn't so bad after all.
"Yes, lieutenant." Matilda moved Livia a little so that she could get up. When she went to the door Kate and Rita following her, she looked to Speirs.
"She's very upset, lieutenant. Don't say anything what might get her even more off the rails."
When the only answer she got was a angry stare, she understood that it was a stupid thing to say, so she left the room as fast as she could.
When Matilda had closed the door behind her, Speirs stood by the door for a moment watching the nurse who was sitting on her bed. She had calmed down a little mainly because she was wondering why Speirs was there in the nurses room. He moved slowly towards her and when he was by the bed he saw slightly amazed teary, green eyes watching at him.
" Winters told about your brother, miss McMillan." Speirs had a gentle look in his always so hard eyes.
"I didn't expect you to come here, lieutenant." Livia sobbed. It was true, she certainly didn't expect Speirs to be there. If it had been Winters, Nixon, Luz of some other guy from Easy, it hadn't surprised her, but Speirs was totally different thing.
"I just wanted to say that I am sorry." He said quietly.
"I don't remember how Paul looked like." Livia said suddently surprising him and herself aswell.
"Of course you do." Speirs said gently.
"No, I don't. It's fourteen months when I saw him last time." Tears came widely again from her eyes. "I can't get his face to my mind."
Then Livia broke down again. Speirs sat on her bed, and without thinking who it really was who sat there, Livia buried her head on his lap crying unrestrainedly. Speirs stroke gently her head until she managed to calm down again.
"I'm sorry, lieutenant." She sobbed when she pulled back.
"It's alright." Speirs said calmly.
"I don't know what I will do... I miss Paul." She needed to get it out and Speirs just happened to be there on that moment.
"You will survive. We all have to." Speirs had a serious expression on his face. "We have to survive for those who we have lost and will lost. So that we can remember them always and make sure that they aren't forgotten." Then something catched his eye on the floor and he picked it up. It was a envelope where stood; To my sister Livia McMillan.
"Was this given to you?"
"Yes."
"Have you read it?"
"No." Livia wiped her tears. "I don't know can I even read it."
"You have to." Despite it sounded like a command, Speirs' tone was surprisingly soft. "You might learn something new about him even if it isn't a long letter. It might make you understand and you will have one more good memory of him."
"But it doesn't help me to remember his face." Livia said quietly.
"But you have pictures of him, don't you?" When Livia had nodded, he continued. "It's not always the picture you need for remembering him. It's the good things about him which you remember."
Suddently a weak smile appeared to Livia's face.
"What is it?"
"It's quite stupid, lieutenant." Livia said quietly.
"It doesn't matter. I'm happy to listen, if you want to tell me."
"Well, it happened when I was 15 and Paul was 19 ." Livia had to smile when she remembered the episode from some years back. "I went to a small barn near our home with Dan – he was the first guy I had a crush on – and we found Paul and our neighbour girl Lisa there. And well... They were kissing in a quite passionate way... There was some real confusion when Paul realized that I was there with Dan who was also one of his best friends. We were having quite a verbal war, when we realized that our father was standing on the barn doorway. He had been walking the dogs and heard noises from the barn and decided to come and check the source of the noise. You can guess that there was some more confusion... And yelling."
Speirs gave Livia a couraging look when she kept a short pause. He was actually interested of hearing the end of her little story.
"What happened then?"
"Our father yelled first to Paul that Lisa was only 17... I guess he got a rather good picture about the reason they were in that barn. And when he turned to Dan... God, I think I have never seen my father so angry. Though there was no way I and Dan would have done anything bad... But dad was still really pissed." Livia gave out a little sigh. "But then Paul decided that he would prove dad wrong, althought the reality was that he had a reason to be angry and worried... I don't still know how he did it without dad's notice, but he pushed Lisa straight to Dan's arms and looked dad to his eyes. Then he said in rather calm voice that actually it was Lisa and Dan who were first there, I and Paul had just came to check the noises we heard from barn."
Livia laughed shortly and ended her story.
"I don't know how he managed to convince dad, but he believed Paul. And actually Lisa and Dan forgave Paul pretty soon too. They got married just before Dan's unit was sent to mainland in 1942."
"That is just what I meant, you have to remember the things which make you happy." Ever so slight smile appeared to Speirs face and it was gone again so fast that Livia wasn't sure if she had seen right.
" He – like my other brother Colin – was always so protective what it came to me. I will miss it, though sometimes it felt more like annoying than nice." Livia sighed. "They both got a lot of troubles because of me, but specially Paul managed always explain the things so that our parents got really confused and didn't know who to punish of mischiefs I did. So usually we all got out of troubles without any consequences."
"I think we older brothers think that we have to look after our little sisters." Speirs commented.
"You have a younger sister?" Livia raised her eyebrows a little.
"Actually I have two of them."
"Oh, that's nice." Livia didn't know what else to say. Well, she wanted to know their names and ages and everything what Speirs remembered about them, but she wasn't going to ask, not now anyway.
"Is your other brother in the front?"
"Yes. Colin is somewhere in mainland at the moment."
"Well, you have him watching over you in the future."
"I hope so, lieutenant." Livia sighed.
"I know it's hard to accept the fact that you lost your brother, but you have a reason to be proud of him. He served his country proudly, I'm sure of it." Speirs looked straight to Livia's teary eyes. "Life won't be the same without him, but you will..."
Speirs' sentence was interrupted when the door was thrown open again. Luz, Malarkey, Shifty and Guarnere had heard about Livia's brother from Matilda, and now they were going to comfort her, but Malarkey who was the first to see Speirs with the nurse, stood by the door and Luz bumped to him.
"Geez Malark, would you move a little." He snapped.
"Sorry, sir. We did't know you are here, sir." Malarkey said ignoring Luz. He was watching straight to angry looking Speirs, who had stood up fast from the bed when he heard the door opening.
Then also Luz, Shifty and Guarnere realized that it was Speirs who was there with Livia and they all straightened their backs and stood in order.
"What do you want?" Speirs snapped.
"We heard about Livia's brother, sir." Luz replied watching to the nurse who watched them her eyes red of crying.
"And wanted to come and see how she is doing?" Speirs stated and his expression got a little more softer.
"Yes, sir." Luz and Guarnere said in unison.
"Alright, I'll leave you then." Speirs gave a surprisingly gentle look to Livia. "Remember what I told you."
Livia just nodded and when Speirs went to the door he stood and watched too four men standing there.
"I'll be behind the door and listening you. If you make her cry, I'll shoot you." He said quietly and then he left the room.
"What was that?" Malarkey whispered.
"I don't know, but that man always scares the shit out of me." Shifty sighed.
"He isn't so bad." All the men turned to look to Livia when she had spoken. She sat on bed looking sad and lost.
"I'm so sorry, Livia. Matilda told us just a moment ago that you lost your other brother." Luz said.
Althought Speirs had calmed her rather well, the tears came to her eyes again when she saw these four men standing there looking compassionate.
"Are you alright, Livia?" Malarkey asked watching the teary eyed nurse.
"Christ Malark. The girl just heard that her brother has been killed and you ask is she alright." Luz snorted. "Are you fuckin' out of your mind?"
"Oh, guys!" She cried out and jumped up. Then she almost ran to Guarnere's – who was closest man for her point of view – arms. He put his arms around her and all the men waited until the nurse had calmed down again. When Livia got the control of herself, she sat on her bed again and looked up to the four men standing there.
"Thanks guys. I really appreciate it that you came to see me." She said quietly.
"Of course we came, Livia." Shifty said and sat next to her. "Though Speirs seemed to beat us on that."
All four men were still amazed about the fact that they had found lieutenant Speirs there. They all knew how Livia felt what it came to him, but they had no idea that Speirs would be compassionate enough to come and comfort her.
"He was very kind. He got me thinking..." Livia said quietly.
"I'm sorry if I sound stupid, Livia. But are we talking about same man? You mean that lieutenant Ronald Speirs actually was kind?" Luz seemed so amazed that Livia had to smile a little. Luz had that effect on her, no matter how bad she felt he always managed to cheer her up.
"Yes, George. Lieutenant was very kind to me."
"God damnit. I never thought Speirs would have a soft side." Malarkey gasped.
It didn't take long when Matilda and Kate came back to the to the room and saw Livia smiling to something what Luz had just said.
"It's nice to see you smiling, Livia." Matilda stated.
"These guys have that effect." Livia replied.
"Yes. Though they are punch of morons." Matilda grinned. Then she looked to Luz. "I hope you didn't make her cry more."
"No we didn't." Luz replied.
"Good. Now you can tell me, why lieutenant Speirs is leaning on the wall there in aisle just opposite our door?"
"Damn, he is there?" Guarnere gasped. "I never thought that he would do that."
"You knew that he was there?" Kate asked.
"Well, he said that he would be there in aisle listening to us, but I didn't really believe it."
" Are you saying that he was still here when you came?" Matilda looked first to Guarnere, then she glanced to Livia who seemed a little confused.
"You knew he was here? And didn't bother to tell us?" Luz raised his eyebrows.
"Yes. But I thought that he would been gone before you got here." Then she glanced to the clock on the night stand. "Livia, he was here almost 40 minutes!"
Only now Livia realized that Speirs had been there in their room rather long. She didn't know what to say and felt her cheeks to become a bit warmer.
"What did you talk about?" Matilda watched interested to Livia, as did others.
"He told me some things which helped me... I think..." She cut off her sentence and glanced to men, which seemed very interested. Matilda got the hint.
"Alright guys, you should go now. Actually you aren't even allowed to be here. This is our private room." She said vigorously. She wanted to hear what Speirs had said to Livia and she also wanted to give something else to think to nurse who just had heard that she had lost a brother.
"Oh yeah, guys." Matilda called after the four men when they were by the door. "It would be better if you don't tell anyone that Speirs was here. And I mean it this time, it's better for everyones point of view." All four men realized that Matilda really meant what she said. She was so serious and specially Luz knew that this time it was better to do like she asked. It was better for Speirs' point of view also and he certainly didn't want to piss off the Dog company lieutenant.
"We promise. Right, guys?" Luz said when the three other men agreed with him.
When guys were gone Livia told Matilda and Rita what she and Speirs had talked about and they both seemed as surprised as guys were when they had find Speirs there. Then Livia told Rita and Matilda that she wanted to be alone for a while, and when they left the room Livia followed them to the door and peeked to the aisle, but Speirs was already gone. Matilda guessed why Livia looked to the aisle and smiled a little. Livia saw it but she just shrugged and closed the door. Then she sat on her bed and took the envelope which Speirs had placed on her night-stand. She opened the envelope and took the letter inside to her hands. She held it for a moment before she started to read it.
My lovely sister,
I will love you always and forever.
It felt like I had to say that first because in case you are reading this letter I'm not among the living ones anymore. But don't be too sad over it, I'm not saying that you shouldn't mourn over me, you should – I am impossible to replace – but don't do it too long, Livia.
Livia smiled a little when she wiped the tears off her cheeks, seemed like Paul hadn't been serious even when he wrote that letter, it was very typical for him. The letter was long, Paul had written over three pages about the war and his feelings, but it was the last lines which Livia would remember forever.
Livia – my sweet sister – don't think what it might had been without this war, rather think what it will be when this madness is over.
I wake up in the morning, so far away from home, trying to make it through the day. Many miles are between us, but I'm sending my love with this letter. Now all bad times are over and the road is free – I'm coming home.
Remember Livia, I will always be watching after you. Take care of yourself.
Your always loving brother,
Paul.
PS. Don't let those Yanks to take you as a push over. Thought I know you so well that I guess you being the one who is pushing over them...
Livia couldn't help smiling a little, there was some sad things Paul had written on the letter, but there was also the joking style written things which were typical to him. And Speirs had been right in one thing, she learned something new about Paul – she had no idea that there was a little poet inside her oldest brother. Livia was happy that Paul hadn't known that his sister had been in France in the middle of the war, if he had known, he would have written something about it. Of course he had known that Livia worked in Aldbourne, but it seemed like he didn't know how the things had been during last three months.
When Livia had read Paul's last letter, she glanced on the clock on the table and realized that she had spent almost an hour alone. She wandered out of the nurse's barrack and found out soon that the whole Easy had been gathered on the yard. She heard Winters yelling commands and guessed that they had some kind of exercise going on. When Livia appeared around the corner, Nixon was first to see her. He walked towards her and soon she was in his tight hug.
"I'm so sorry, Livia." He looked compassionate when he let her go. "I would have come to see you, but Dick didn't let me."
"It's alright, Nix. I got some comfort from others... Don't worry, I'll be fine." She smiled weakly.
Livia found out that every man in Easy knew already about her brother, but she had actually expected it, things like that couldn't been kept secret for long. When guys had payed their condolences to Livia, she heard Winters' a bit annoyed voice.
"Hey guys, would you leave her alone? And we have exercises to do."
There was some 'yes, sir's' muttered and guys returned to their formation. Then Winters signed to Livia and she went to him.
"I talked with mrs. Neeson and she agreed with me and Sink that you can have few days off. You can go to see your parents, if you want." With mrs. Neeson Winters meant the head of nurses.
"Thank you." Livia nodded. "I might go to see them."
The rest of the day Livia spent almost like in a dream. She didn't have to do her work and when the guys were taking a drill which might take all night, she didn't have anything to do. She just tried somehow spend her time and when in came dark she went to bed early.
On the next morning Livia asked one of the jeep drivers to drive her to her parent's house, which wasn't far from Aldbourne, there was only about four miles separating the places. When the driver had gotten the permission to drive her, they drove to Livia's parents place in silence. When they were there she agreed that he would come to pick her up on the next morning. When Livia entered her parent's house she saw her mother, whose eyes were red of crying and her father who looked sad and serious.
"I miss Paul" She cried out when she went to hug her mother.
"We thought that you have heard about him. We were expecting you yesterday already." She heard her father say.
"I had to think... I just couldn't come yesterday." She said sobbing.
"Well, now you are here and that is the main thing." Her mother said when she let her go.
The rest of the day Livia and her parents talked about Paul and what they remembered about him. It helped Livia a lot and she realized what Speirs had ment by saying that she didn't always need pictures of him for remembering him. It was the good things about Paul she did remember. It was rainy day and Livia thought that the weather suited well her current mood when she sat on their livingroom caressing the head of one of their springerspaniels later on the evening. Her parents were sitting there too and suddently her mother brought up the subject which Livia had been avoiding and feared.
"I hope you will stay here in England during the end of this war."
"Well, actually..." Livia hesitated, but she knew that she had to tell her parents. "I was asked to jump with Easy again and I promised to do it."
Her parents stared her for a moment, and then her mother gasped.
"No, Livia. We want you to stay here. I can't let you go. Not now when Paul is killed and Colin is God knows where."
"I'm sorry, mom. But I have to do it. I want to help. I can't leave them, not now." Livia tried to explain knowing that her mother wouldn't understand her.
"You can help here. You can help in Aldbourne. You don't have to go with them." Livia saw tears in her mother eyes, but she just shaked her head.
"I have to do it, mom."
"Robert, tell her that she can't go with them." Her mother turned to her father.
"You have to think about this, Livia." Robert McMillan was very serious. "Think about us, if you are killed over there... We don't want to take the risk."
"It's not your risk to take!" Livia snapped and stood up. "I will be taking the risk and I will go."
"Have you really thought about the effect of your decisions, Livia?." Her father looked at her.
"You can't stop me!" Now she was sceaming, she was angry because her parents didn't understand her.
"We both understand that you want to help, but you are helping these men also here, you don't have to jump with them." Her father said with rather calm voice.
Livia marched to the livingroom door and turned back to her parents.
"I'm going to jump with them and there's nothing you can do about it." With that Livia marched to outer door and left the house banging doors. Jeep would come to pick up her back to Aldborne only next morning, but she wasn't going to wait for it. She started to walk towards Aldbourne, she was boiling of anger and thought that her parents would never understand her.
"If Paul was here, he would understand. Or Colin." Livia muttered by herself when she wandered in the pouring rain.
She had been walking about a mile, she was soaking wet and cold, and she wasn't wearing her uniform, actually all of her stuff were at her parent's place, but she wasn't going to turn back now. She was determined to walk to Aldbourne even if it would take a whole night. Suddently she heard a voice of the car coming behind her and turned to look behind. When the car had reached her, it was fast stopped and Livia realized that it was a military jeep. The driverside door was open and Livia saw Alex Penkala's face looking at her amazed.
"Livia, it is you. What are you doing here?"
"I... I had a fight with my parents... I'm walking to Aldbourne." She said coming to car and when she peeked in, she saw Nixon sitting next to Penkala.
"You are what?" Nixon gasped. "Are you crazy? It's raining and cold. You must be freezing."
"I am little." Livia admitted.
Penkala got out of the car and pulled the drivers seat so that Livia could get to the backseat.
"Get in. We will drive you back to your parent's place."
"No. I don't want to go back there... Just drive me to Aldbourne, please." Livia said before she got in the jeep.
"Where's your uniform?" Penkala asked when he realized that Livia was wearing civilian clothes.
"At my parents place." Livia said when she sat on the backseat.
"You know that you can't come to base dressed like that. Not even everyone knows who you are." Penkala said turning the jeep back to the direction where they had come from. "I'm driving you to your house."
"If you want we can wait outside the house and drive you to Aldbourne." Nixon said glancing to Penkala who nodded.
"Would you?"
"Of course, kid." Nixon turned to smile at her.
"Thank you." Livia sighed. "By the way guys, why were you in this road anyway?"
"Sink asked us to do some intelligence work." Nixon said avoidingly and Livia didn't ask more about it, she knew everything about war secrets. She gave the directions to her parent's place to Penkala and when they pulled on the driveway, she looked to Nixon.
"Nix, would you come in with me? I don't want to go alone, we would start fiting again anyway."
"Are you sure?" Nixon raised his eyebrows.
"Yes. Please, Nix." Livia bleaded and saw her mother's face peeking out of the window at the same time.
"Alright then." Nixon sighed and got out of the car and then he helped Livia out.
Before they got to the door of the house, Nixon looked to the nurse.
"Was the fight between you and your parents about the fact that you will come with us again when we'll jump to mainland?"
"Yes."
"I kind of understand them. But I understand you even better."
"Thanks, Nix." Livia gave him a weak smile before she opened the door and saw both of her parents standing in hallway.
"I just came to get my stuff." She said simply and let Nixon in. "Mom, dad. This is lieutenant Lewis Nixon, he's Intelligence officer in Easy."
Her both parents looked over the dark and handsome man who had entered the house with their daugher.
"I'm sorry about your loss." Nixon said serious expression on his face.
"Thank you, lieutenant." Livia's mother snapped out of the slight amazement she had. "Do you want some tea?"
"No thank you. We have to get back to Aldbourne as soon as possible." Nixon said when he saw Livia shaking her head rather violently.
"I'm going to get my stuff and then we can leave." Livia said and practically ran the upstairs to her room.
Nixon watched after her when she ran upstairs. He had realized that he had been watching Livia often lately. It's wasn't like he was falling for her – he was married after all – but he felt like Livia had come even closer to him and the nurse seemed to like his company. Livia was almost like a sister to him, and she told almost everything to him. But one thing was bothering him. Nixon had heard the men whispering something about Livia and lieutenant Speirs, but everytime when one of them noticed him close by, they changed the subject very fast. He knew that the guys would tell him nothing and because Livia hadn't mentioned Speirs at once when she and Nixon were talking, he wasn't sure what to think. And yesterday then... When Luz, Shifty, Guarnere and Malarkey had come out of nurses barrack, they acted weird, but they hadn't told anyone why they all seemed somehow confused. And Livia hadn't said a word about it. Nixon shrugged a little and turned again to look at Livia's parents who were both staring at him a hint of amaze in their eyes.
About ten minutes later Livia got back downstairs and saw Nixon talking with her parents.
"The truth is, that Livia has become one of us, mrs. McMillan. We would do everything for her and she would do everything for us." Livia heard the lieutenant saying just when she got to the livingroom door.
"So, it's no point of trying to talk me to stay here when Easy is dropped." Livia commented and everyone in the room turned to the door.
"When is your next drop?" Livia's father asked.
"We don't know yet. But it might be soon, it's hard to say." Nixon replied and turned to Livia. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah, let's go. Alex will start to wonder soon that what's keeping us." Livia replied turning to the door.
"Livia." Her mother called after her. "Will you come to see us before you will be dropped to mainland again?"
"I don't know, mom." Livia sighed. Judging the tone of her mother's voice she still didn't want her to jump, but being the typical British woman, she didn't want to make a scene in a precense of an American Airborne officer. Nixon nodded to mr and mrs McMillan serious expression on his face before he followed Livia out of the house and to the jeep where Penkala was waiting for them.