"Call all your friends,
tell them I'm never coming back.
Cause this is the end,
pretend that you want it,
don't react.
The damage is done,
the police are coming too slow now.
I would have died. I would have loved you all my life.
You're losing your memory now..."
~Ryan Star 'Losing Your Memory'
Chapter 10: "Blood and tears"
March 20, 2022
10:34 p.m.
"Ready?" his voice asked me from behind the door as I put one of his t-shirts over my head.
"Yeah," I called to him, letting him know he could come in. As he did, I was already crawling under the warm covers and he sent me a smile; I knew he could see the look of happiness and relief that my face held every time I'd stay the night with him instead of having to go back to my aunt's.
"Got everything you need?" Cato asked, closing the door.
"Not quite yet," I said suggestively, patting the spot next to me with my hand, inviting him to join me. His smile only widened when I did that and it was a matter of few seconds before he was already lying down beside me. It had become a ritual, almost. I snuggled into his side and lied my head on his shoulder, appreciating every second of getting to be so close to him. I have never felt safer in my entire life.
"Clove," he whispered all of a sudden and I looked up.
"Yeah?"
"I'm so glad you're here." he confessed and I felt my face break into a bright smile in response.
"Me too," I murmured, before pulling myself up and catching his lips in a soft kiss. He responded enthusiastically, as he did every time when I was the one to kiss him. Usually, it was him that would initiate anything. I wasn't very experienced in this department. That was actually an understatement since all the experience I had was with him and him only. And yet, sometimes things just feel right. You can't quite tell why, but they just do.
In that moment I was sure I knew what I wanted. And I simply followed through, because it felt too good and too right to ignore. I never really thought of how I'd feel the next morning. I didn't care if it was stupid. I was frozen in that moment with Cato and that was all I cared about. Besides, the times we lived in were the most unpredictable and dangerous yet. We never could be sure that we would live to see the next day. It was Purge again tomorrow and although the first one I spent with Cato and the rest almost seemed too easy to survive, I was smart enough to realize that this may not be the case this time. Cato had warned me too many times before. I knew I could not just assume no one would get hurt.
And so I decided to give in to him. To his kisses and his touch and affection he's been showing me for what seemed like years now. We were young and stupid, but we cared for one another deeply. I knew I wouldn't regret anything. I thought to myself that if I were to die tomorrow, at least I'd know I really have lived.
When I woke up hours later, at first I wasn't sure what had really happened the night before. Only after I felt a body moving next to me did I remember everything, all the details. It wasn't the fact that I didn't wake up alone; I'd slept in his bed many times before when I would be too exhausted to go back "home" to my aunt where I'd have to hear her drunk complaints throughout half the night. But this was different. I felt different.
"Good morning,"
His voice sounded different.
"Hey," I whispered back, feeling my cheeks go red. It took me another minute to get up the guts to look at him. And when I did, I was faced with the most beautiful smile I'd ever received from anyone. The way he looked at me was always something else, but this time it was a whole new level of special.
"Are you okay?" he asked, looking a bit concerned and it wasn't like I didn't know why.
"I'm fine," I promised. "you?"
"I'm great," he said, his smile growing bigger. "Are you sure everything is okay? You seem a little... off-"
"Well, I do feel slightly different, I guess that's why," I responded, looking away. "But I'm good, really."
"You're not... in pain?" he asked and the way I looked at him must have made him regret asking me that question for a reason unknown to me.
"I'm fine, Cato," I assured him again and to prove that I was telling the truth, I moved closer and kissed his cheek softly. He looked somewhat disappointed by that, so I rolled my eyes and kissed him properly to which he responded with enthusiasm. I pulled back before things got any more intense and as if on cue, Finnick stormed into the room, like something was on fire.
"HEY!" he yelled, making me basically jump away from Cato like I was burnt. Finn laughed at my reaction and I could feel my entire face turning red again. I frantically made sure I was fully covered even though I knew I hadn't fallen asleep naked. A memory from our intimate night flashed through my mind and I blushed even harder. Finnick seemed clueless as to what was actually going on, as he was used to seeing us sleeping in the same bed; I could only hope he would not catch on. "Well good morning to you two!"
"What do you want, dickhead?" Cato snapped at him shamelessly, throwing a pillow at him, which his best friend swiftly caught with another laugh.
"Today's the day, my dearest!" Finn sang, making me raise my eyebrows. "Today we're gonna Puuurge!"
"Yes, we know, thanks for the wake-up call," Cato murmured, looking rather annoyed.
"Now, don't be mean. I know you guys have been awake for a while," he winked at me to which I just shook my head with a half-hearted smirk.
"You're an ass, get out," Cato growled, throwing another pillow at him and once more failing to actually hit him. I knew he didn't really mean all those things he'd call his friend, but that was just his attitude whenever I was around. He didn't like it much when Finnick would force his way into our intimate moments and we didn't really have many of those. Today, though, was really different for us so I could sort of understand why he was mad.
"Awww, I love you too," Finn mocked before dropping both pillows that Cato had thrown at him and walking out of the room, laughing.
"What a moron," Cato summed up, shaking his head, but that bright smile of his quickly returned when he looked at me. "you're all red, little girl."
"Am I?" I asked stupidly with a shy smile. "Well, thanks for pointing that out."
He laughed. "I'm sorry," he whispered, continuing to stare at me like I was a piece of art. He sensed I'd become slightly uncomfortable so he finally looked away. "I guess we should get ready or we'll be late for school."
I nodded and watched him put a t-shirt over his head. He glanced at me and I smiled. He looked at me somewhat sentimentally, making me wish I knew what was on his mind. Just as he opened his mouth to maybe reveal a secret or two, my phone buzzed. I crawled to the nightstand and snatched it. "It's Gale," I said, more to myself than Cato. "I'm sorry, I gotta get this."
"Of course," he murmured and I could hear his voice losing all its enthusiasm. "I'll be in the kitchen."
"Ok," I smiled one more time, but he just walked out of the room. I felt something heavy sinking in my stomach and I let the phone buzz a couple of more times until it stopped. I sat there, torn and confused. Did I have any regrets regarding last night? It wasn't how I had pictured my first time with Cato because it happened so spontaneously, but it was definitely the most amazing and passionate experience of my life. Was it also the same for him? I wasn't even sure if it was the first time for him, too.
My phone buzzed again, making me snap out of all these thoughts. "Yes?" I answered it, the tone of my voice probably a notch too snappy.
"Hey... sorry, did I wake you?" I heard Gale's voice and to my horror, my stomach instantly felt like it was filled with bricks. Like I felt... guilty.
"No, um," I stuttered, "I was awake. What's up?" I asked genuinely curious since we were literally about to see each other in less than an hour.
"I just wanted to let you know I'm not going to school today, my mom's feeling sick so I'll stay home to help get everything ready for tonight," his voice somewhat broke and I hated how I instantly knew why. Had I not known what tonight was, I'd have thought he was talking about prepping a party. Next time he talked, his voice was no longer this casual, "So I.. I was hoping you could stop by on your way home from school?"
My stomach couldn't possibly feel any heavier at this point. Not only had I not told him I was Purging again this year, but he just made me feel a dozen times worse about it by asking me to come over so we can have a minute with each other, just in case one of us doesn't make it through the night. "I, uh-" I stuttered again, squeezing my eyes to stop the tears. "Y-yes, of course, Gale. I'll be there."
"Good," he sighed with relief. "I'm looking forward to seeing you then," he told me and I could hear his smile in the way his voice sounded. "I'm missing you."
I tightened my grip on the phone so that my shaking hand wouldn't drop it. My dear, sweet friend. So caring and forgiving. And here I was, about to disappoint him once again.
"I miss you too," I confessed truthfully, deciding I needed to hang up before I break into tears. "See you later, Gale."
March 21, 2023
10:42 p.m.
Time remaining: 00:08:17:45
I could feel Gale's heavy breaths on the side of my face, as I tried to get him to run at an even pace so that we wouldn't end up falling too far behind. I had my arm wrapped around his torso, while his hung over my shoulders. I couldn't imagine how much pain he was in but we had to get off the streets as fast as possible. We had to get out of downtown; it was too dangerous.
I glanced up at his pale face and felt nausea trying to get the best of me. I was so scared for his life. He almost died on me. They both almost did.
"Speed it up!" I heard Cato's voice egging us on, as he began running faster, gun at the ready. Johanna waited for us to catch up then grabbed Gale's other arm to help me out. I sent her a grateful look and the three of us carried on, trying to keep up with the fast pace Cato had started. I couldn't breathe, but I kept on running, knowing what could happen if we stopped.
I choked back some upcoming tears of fear and exhaustion and I prayed. God, let us make it through the night. God, don't let my mother lose another family member. God, don't let Jakie grow up without his big sister.
"Stay back!" Cato whisper-yelled and only then did I realize he had been waiting for us to catch up and must have noticed some kind of danger ahead. "Stop," he said, holding his arm out towards us. Jo and I listened and as soon as we did, I felt Gale weighing down on me. I ignored how heavy he was and sent Cato a questioning look. He didn't have to explain anything, though. Soon enough we heard some gunshots followed by a woman's voice:
"I'm doing God's work!"
Cato peeked his head from behind the building to check and I unwrapped Gale's arm from around me, hoping Johanna would be able to hold him steady for a minute. I approached Cato and stopped right next to him to see what was going on for myself.
And then I saw her; the woman was on a rooftop with a machine gun and a megaphone. "He uses an earthquake, a virus to keep the population under control," she announced walking back and forth. "The masses nourish and flourish... I am that virus tonight! I am a one-woman fucking plaque and you're all in my path!" her voice echoed around the block and she followed it with more gunshots.
Cato glanced down at me and I saw all the fury his eyes were filled with. I licked my dry lips and held my breath, my eyes watering.
"I am the Holy Trinity!" the woman continued. "I am the Father Fucker, Son of a Bitch and Holy Shit!"
"When I move, you move, understand?" Cato ordered, first shooting me a look before glancing back to Jo and Gale. "Stay close. Don't stray. Okay?"
Johanna and Gale both nodded. Cato stared at me with raised eyebrows, apparently waiting for my confirmation. "Yeah," I told him, letting him know I fully understood. I mean, he'd trained me. I knew how this thing worked.
"And my MP-9 silver-tipped Auto Magnum!"
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to tune her voice out but it wasn't working. I was so full of hate and rage that it almost felt like my skin was on fire. How did this happen? How could people end up like that?
"The right arm of the free world and the left hand of God!" the woman exclaimed and followed her foolish statement with another round of gunshots, turning away from where we stood.
"Go!" Cato told us and so we ran. I was the first one to cross the street with the three of them following me. Cato was now helping Johanna with Gale, his free arm holding the gun in case he needed to use it. We ran into another dark alley and continued a few blocks down, following Cato's directions. I had no idea where he was taking us but I didn't care as long as he had some kind of plan.
At this point, anything was good enough.
March 21, 2022
12:34 p.m.
"Hey Clove!" Johanna yelled at me from our table in the cafeteria, as soon as she saw my-distracted-self enter. "Grab a soda for me!"
I guess most people would be surprised by how bossy Jo was, but I've spent enough time around her to get used to it. And I mean, she would do it for me. Actually, she probably wouldn't. But it was still just a stupid beverage. I walked to the vending machine and inserted some coins. Before I got around to picking anything, I felt arms wrapping themselves around my waist from behind. I shuddered, as more memories from last night appeared in my head. I turned around with a light blush covering my cheeks. "Hey," I whispered softly.
"Hey, beautiful," he said, smiling down at me. "You don't drink soda, what'cha doing?" he asked almost suspiciously, but I knew he was just playing.
"It's for Jo's lazy butt," I explained briefly, before pushing one of the buttons and bending down to take out the Pepsi can. "Listen, I need to tell you something."
"I know what you're gonna say," he said, his arms dropping to his sides and I frowned. "You just wanna be friends and it's not me, it's you..."
"Shut up," I swatted his arm with a smirk and he grinned.
"What's up then, baby?" he asked and I frowned and stared at him curiously. "What?"
"You never called me that before," I pointed out. "What's your deal?" Now I was the one narrowing my eyes suspiciously, except that I wasn't playing at all. We spent one night together and all of a sudden he goes baby-ing me?
"There is no deal, Clove," he almost laughed, apparently finding my reaction to a simple word quite amusing. "What, do you not like it?"
"I just-" I paused, trying to determine whether I was overthinking this or not. "Never mind... look, I'm going home now. Well actually, I'm going to Gale's. So I'll meet you at your place later, ok?"
"Okay," he agreed, kissing my cheek. "Just be careful and try not to be late."
As he turned around, I just couldn't help it. I grabbed his arm to stop him. "Wait a second... call me crazy, but you're acting really odd. I was half-convinced you wouldn't like this."
"Clove," he said with a very unfamiliar look on his face. A happy expression painted on it like it was there all along. "I noticed he was absent today, so I kind of expected you to tell me you were going to see him. We all know what day it is today, so go and spend time with your friend. I'm perfectly okay with it. Besides," he moved closer to me, almost taking my breath away as I realized how good he smelled. "I'm pretty sure you spent last night in my bed, not his," he whispered and I felt goosebumps all over me instantly. I hated and loved the effect he had me on me. Especially after last night. "I'm not worried," he winked at me and kissed me softly. "Please, don't be late, little girl. See you at 5."
And with that, he just snatched that Pepsi from me and walked away to where Johanna and Finnick were already enjoying their lunch. I stood there, half-stunned, half-excited for what seemed like a good few minutes. Finally realizing that I had no time to waste, I left the cafeteria and hurriedly caught the bus to Gale's place.
Watching all the people we were passing by, I couldn't help but feel blue and helpless. All those kids that may lose their lives and/or families tonight... All those wives losing their husbands...
I shook my head and blinked any upcoming tears away. I took my phone out of my bag and noticed a text message from Cato. I sighed before clicking on it.
'Wish you were here'
Who would have thought Cato could be such a sweet guy? I guess I was something real special to him; Finnick and Johanna mentioned a handful of times how they thought Cato had undergone a personality-changing brain surgery. That's how much they thought he'd changed for me. I smiled and replied a short, but sweet 'I miss you too' before doing what I'd intended to do in the first place. I put my phone to my ear, anxiously awaiting for an answer. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait too long.
"Hello?"
"Hey!" I gasped, smiling like a dork; I was so happy to hear his voice. "Hey, buddy! How's it going?"
"Clovey!" Jake screamed happily, making me grin. He was the only one who called me that and the only one who would ever be allowed to call me that. "I'm good! Aunt Annie just handed me her cell phone, I knew you would call!"
"Of course!" I said, bittersweet tears filling my eyes. "I always think of you. I miss you so much, bud, I hope I can see you soon."
"I miss you too," he told me, sounding much sadder. "You're going to be safe tonight... right?"
I stiffened, my smile slowly disappearing from my face. He always asked that question. And I always had to lie to him. "Yes," I choked out. "Yes, of course. Don't you worry, kiddo. More importantly, are you guys alright?"
"We're great. Aunt Ann wants to know do you need anything?"
"No, I'm fine," I told him, forcing a smile so that he wouldn't sense there was something wrong. Wiping my cheeks I said: "I will call you again tomorrow, okay? Like always."
"Okay," he agreed. "I love you, Clovey."
I squeezed my eyes tight, making more tears fall down my face. "I love you too buddy. Bye now, Jakie."
"Bye!"
I hung up, as my hand went limp and fell to my lap, squeezing the phone tightly. I bit my lip to stop it from shaking and tried my best to compose myself before reaching my destination. It was killing me that I had to be apart from Jakie. But at the end of the day, at least I didn't need to worry about him. He was safe and sound in Canada with my dad's sister. She's always been a good aunt. And she has two sons, twins, about Jake's age so he couldn't have possibly ended up at a better place. Their family was having a rather hard time with money and despite that, they always called and asked if I needed anything. I knew I could count on them. I knew they'd take me in if I were to tell them I wanted to come to Canada. But I couldn't leave Gale. There was no way his family could move there, too, besides our government was making every little process extremely difficult.
The New Founding Fathers were anything but stupid. The borders were closed from January 1st until the end of Purge so that people couldn't travel outside of the country. People couldn't miss so much work or school. The perfect solution to a perfectly fucked up agenda. Of course, you could still travel to the United States. There were actually some foreigners doing that; taking a trip to America to Purge. To be able to kill legally. That was the one thing our stupid government was indeed right about to a certain degree; people would do horrible things all the time if they were legal.
I finally got off the bus and as I walked to Gale's apartment building, I tried to block all those thoughts out. I wanted to spend a few, relaxing hours with my best friend before this country takes a sharp turn straight into Hell again.
Gale couldn't be happier when he saw me, which really made me realize just how much he wanted to see me before 7 o'clock tonight. It gave me a bit of an uncomfortable feeling; as if he could sense something was going to go down. I decided I would wait with telling him I was Purging again this year until it was time for me to go because I really wanted to avoid him getting angry with me before it was necessary. That time came way too fast and I wasn't nearly ready yet to be yelled at.
"I have to go now, Gale," I started carefully, hoping he wouldn't ask why. Hoping that just maybe I wouldn't have to tell him the truth.
"I know," he said, surprising me. "What time do you guys meet?"
I frowned, staring at him uncertainly. "Um," I said in a hoarse voice, trying to think of an answer, but Gale just held up his hand to stop me.
"I know you're Purging tonight, Clove," he stated the obvious, but I still felt like someone just removed the ground from beneath my feet. I could tell my face paled, as he continued to gape at him in a way I found hard to describe.
"Oh," I murmured weakly, looking down. "Who told you?"
"I wish you'd have told me yourself," he said, clearly not wanting to spill the beans. I knew it was Johanna, though. They were dating after all. Something I found super easy to forget at times. "But it was sorta obvious to me."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, but he just shook his head.
"It's fine..." Gale told me, not doing a very good job at trying to convince me he really felt that way. "If I'm not mad at Jo, guess it'd be wrong to be angry with you. It just sucks to know both of you are gonna be out there tonight."
I licked my dry lips, still not ready to look up. I felt a slight pang of jealousy at the fact he didn't single me out like he normally did, even despite being with Jo. This time it was me and Jo. But I couldn't blame him. Of course he was worried about her, too. "We're going to be fine. I'll keep my phone on in case you-" I paused to swallow hard, as fear for my best friend almost overwhelmed me. "In case you need our help."
I knew Gale could be quite too proud at times to accept help from people, especially if it was from Cato. But if his family's lives depended on it, I knew he would call. There were a bunch of us, after all. Trained and armed. We would be his only chance. "I'll remember that," he said with a small smile, probably trying not to give in to the horror we were about to go through yet again tonight. In that moment I realized just how much I didn't want to leave him. I just wanted to stay at his place where I could at least be sure he was okay. Where I would feel the safest. His neighborhood was of course not the greatest, but there were much more dangerous areas in the city. Last year he didn't even hear much going on outside, which was quite surprising. I could only hope for the same this year.
"I'll see you tomorrow... ok?" I said, unable to stop my voice from shaking slightly as I whispered my goodbye.
"You will," he swore, pulling me in for a hug. I buried my face in his shoulder, trying not to completely break down. "You watch yourself out there... please."
"I will, I promise," I whispered pulling back so I could look him in the eyes. "Listen... I know that you hate Cato for talking me into this and that you're worried about me, but trust me when I say that we are trying to make a change. It may not be the best or the right way to do it, but look around you," I paused to let out a resigned breath. "what about this whole thing is right?"
Gale watched the pained expression on my face for a little while before looking down and nodding. "I know," he choked out. "Just... stay safe."
I nodded too, placing my trembling hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze as if to assure him nothing bad was going to happen. As if to promise things I had no control over. "You too."
March 21, 2023
10:55p.m.
Time remaining: 00:08:04:28
As soon we made it far enough not to be able to hear the crazy roof woman's voice anymore, we were forced to make another stop. Because there right in front of us stood a broken truck, smoke surrounding it, dead bodies of soldiers scattered around the street. I felt something of weird taste irritate my throat and nostrils and I coughed along with Johanna who had the exact same problem. "What the hell is that?"
"Is that tear gas?" Gale asked, covering his mouth and nose with the palm of his hand. Cato looked around to make sure we were alone and then began examining the area.
"Smoke canister," he then told us before waving his arm at us, "stay close."
Before I was able to close the distance between me and him, out of the blue I was grabbed as the man lying on the ground in front of me came back to life and was now getting up, his hands squeezing my arms. I let out a muffled scream, looking at his blood-covered face.
"Hey!" Gale barked, moving in to help me, but Cato was much faster and before long he was already grabbing the man away from me.
"Get off her!" he snapped, letting him fall back to the ground. The man struggled to take a breath as he rolled onto his back and stared up at us with pain filling his bloodshot eyes.
"We were just doing our duty!" he choked out like he thought it would justify killing dozens of helpless and scared people. For another brief moment, he choked on his own blood, and hopefully on his meaningless words as well, and then he stopped moving. I gaped at his lifeless, bloody face with a mixture of shock and pity that I knew he did not deserve.
"Are you alright?" Gale asked me, placing his hand on my shoulder. I shook my head with a weak smile. "What the hell happened here?"
"Look at his uniform," Johanna whispered suddenly and I shivered slightly when I heard her disgusted voice right beside me. "This is one of the bastards who came into my building." she realized, glancing at Gale as if for confirmation.
"And that looks like their truck," he simply added with a nod. "I wonder who attacked them..."
"Come with me," Cato said, heading for the truck; the doors to the trailer were wide open. He swiftly jumped inside and we followed him, absolutely amazed at what we discovered inside. There were, of course, a bunch of guns and other weapons hanging on the walls, so without wondering we began collecting some. As I took off a hand gun and checked if it had any bullets, I took a closer look around, now noticing all the monitors, each one displaying a different location.
"They were tracking people down..." I murmured more to myself than anyone else, but my comment drew the attention of others and made them stare at the monitors, as well. Cato came closer to me, frowning at the scene before him.
"This is some high-tech shit," Jo announced, drinking it all in. "Somebody spent a lot of money trying to do some heavy-duty Purging. Look at this. They're accessing
the city's traffic cams."
"Traffic cams are controlled by the government. How did they get into these?" Gale asked, his eyebrows furrowed in consternation.
"Maybe you just answered your own question," Jo whispered without turning to check his reaction to her shocking revelation.
"Truck 3, come in!"
We heard a voice coming from the speaker placed next to another monitor to our right and on it, there was an interactive map of the city with red, blinking points in several different places. "What the fuck is this?" I asked, bending to take a better look.
"Look at this," Cato breathed, pointing to one of the red spots. "Seventh Street. Johanna, that's your place,"
"Why is it all red?"
"You're being targeted for something, along with all these other buildings on the map," Cato continued. "Here and here... All around the projects. All over the damn city."
"Look, I'm telling you, this is the New Founding Fathers," Johanna insisted, purposely staring at Gale as she spoke. "It's our own fucking government doing this. And look at this mark," she turned around and pointed at the wall visible from the inside of the truck. There was a white graffiti of the NFFA flag, the mark of the New Founding Fathers campaign logo, a red cross sprayed over it. "That's Carmelo's mark, I told you he was the real deal, Clove." she said, throwing me a 'I told you so' kind of look. "His group took these fuckers out."
Maybe Johanna was actually right. Maybe there really was a group of people out there that, just like we used to, were out during the Purge fighting the regime, leaving smoke and corpses behind them.
"Truck 3, please respond!"
"Everybody got a weapon?" Cato asked hastily, because I was sure he could tell we had to get the hell out of this place. And as if on cue, we heard a loud noise of an upcoming truck and as we all turned heads, there it was, coming at us from around the corner.
"Shit, there's another one!" Gale gasped, "It's a fucking army!"
"Here, take this!" Cato said, handing another hand gun to him before hopping out of the truck. "Come on, let's go!" he waved at us. I followed him and he helped me down and the four of us headed back into the darkness of the night, not knowing what awaits us.
March 22, 2022
05:26 a.m.
"Move it, guys! We have four minutes left!" Cato called to us, glancing at his watch anxiously.
"We're almost done!" Finnick shouted, while helping me with the last explosive we were setting up at the main entrance of the mansion we were about to blow the heck out. Well, we were not blowing up the actual house. Just all the security gates and fences that had been put up to shelter another filthy rich Beverly Hills celebrities from the slaughtering that millions of Americans had no way of protecting themselves from. That was basically what we were doing. We were trying to give them the foretaste of what has been forced down our throats every year without our consent. Barely anyone was coming to this area during the Purge anyway, since those properties were impossible to enter with all their fancy and expensive security systems. But it was almost comforting to know that at least for once it would be them as well, forced to face all the demons and fears that we had to fight every year. We silently hoped it would make them realize just how wrong and injust Purge really was and that maybe a few of them would come out and stand up for the rest of this country. Maybe they'd realize what it felt like to be someone's living target for no reason whatsover. Because tonight it didn't matter to anyone whether you were rich or poor, attractive or not, a kind or a horrible human being. If you found yourself on their path, you die. No matter what you do or say. No matter who you are.
"Clove, I need more light," Finnick whispered hastily. I directed the light from my flashlight so he could see better, feeling my hands starting to shake.
"Finn," I gasped, checking the time again.
05:28
"We have to go," I told him, grabbing his shoulder.
"Wait," he insisted.
"Clove, where the fuck are you!?" I heard Cato's anxious voice coming from my walkie-talkie. "You have less than two minutes left!"
"We're coming, buddy," Finnick responded, holding his own device to his mouth. "Go, Princess, I'll catch up with you in two seconds."
Before I could protest, the sound of shooting reached my ears and I was pulled to the ground by Finnick who covered me until the shots stopped. As soon as they did, he did the last thing I would have expected him to do. He pushed me down from the stairs leading to the main gate. I fell ten feet down on the concrete, managing to put my arms first by which I avoided cracking my head open. I cried out when I finally hit the ground, an agonizing pain shot through my entire body. I heard some distant voices calling things I could not understand. Then I felt a sudden blow of air to my right, as if something heavy just fell down right beside me. More shots followed and I felt a warm body laying on me right before an explosion took place right above us, almost blowing my ears up. Pieces of metal and bricks fell on us like heavy rain, but they only got my left arm and leg since someone was still on top of me, most definitely getting hit with everything that was coming down. I choked as the smoke made into my eyes and nostrils and for second I forgot where I was or what was happening. Pain was all I could feel.
My ears were ringing and all I saw when I opened my eyes were blurry figures making their way towards me. I reached for my gun, but it wasn't there. I realized I must have dropped it when the shooting began. The body weight on top of me suddenly left me and I curled up on the concrete ground like a broken doll. I couldn't move my right hand and through the tears in my eyes, I could see the left sleeve of my black jacket ripped to pieces.
Then it was like the volume has been turned up and I could hear everything again. A few more screams and several gun shots later, I was finally able to make out who and what was yelling.
"CLOVE!" I heard Cato's panicked voice cut through the air like one of the bullets that had just been sent our way. "Finnick!"
I turned my head to my right and my breath was taken away.
He was lying there, unconscious. All bruised up and bleeding on almost every inch of skin that was visible; his entire face and neck, his hands scratched up and seeping blood. I gasped and slowly turned my entire body on my side, ignoring all the pain I was feeling. "Finn," I choked out, as I tasted blood in my mouth. "Finnick!" I cried, reaching out to try and shake him awake. But he wouldn't.
"Clove!" I heard someone else scream at the top of their lungs. "Stay where you are!"
More gunshots filled the brief silence, but I didn't care. All I cared about was my friend, lying there next to me, looking like he was- "No," I whispered, the saltiness of my tears mixing with the metallic taste of blood. "Finn, wake up," I tried again, propping my body up on my elbow so I could place my other hand on his swollen cheek. "Finnick..."
And that's when I saw it. Blood. A lot of it. Escaping his body from a gun shot wound on his chest. I stiffened, feeling my heart beating so fast I expected it to explode in my chest any minute. More yells accompanied my vast heart-beat, creating music that I knew I would never be able to forget.
I didn't know where I was anymore. Or what I was doing here. I heard more distant voices calling things I could not understand. The pain was all I could feel.
The saltiness of tears mixed with the bitter taste of blood...
I didn't know where I was anymore.
March 21, 2023
11:24 p.m.
Time remaining: 00:07:35:41
We were able to escape the truck without being spotted and about thirty minutes later we stopped again. Cato began frantically looking for something in his jacket and I frowned. "What is it?"
He didn't answer. A relieved smile crossed his face before he took something small out of one of his pockets and walked past me. He stopped when he got to this huge, gray door and in a matter of seconds, he opened it. But then he was faced with another thick, black door and a security panel on the side of it.
I let out a heavy breath. "What is this? What are you-" I cut off my own question when I saw him punch in a code without hesitation. The door opened instantly, he pushed it inside and switched on a flashlight.
"Come on," he said, motioning with his head for us to follow him. Johanna and I exchanged confused looks but did as we were asked. I wrapped my arm around Gale once more and we went inside. Cato locked the door behind us, double-checked that it was for sure secure, then led us down the hallway. I decided not to ask any more questions; it clearly seemed that he wasn't in the mood to explain. He's never told me about this place before. I knew that we were somewhat near our school, though. A moment later Cato stopped and after a 'click' sound, the light was on and we were finally able to see the surroundings.
We were in a conveniant store.
Instead of explaining anything to us, Cato walked off and down the pharmacy aisle and began collecting different things from the shelves like he owned the place. I watched him for a while, but then I heard Gale's panting beside me and decided it would probably be a good idea to have him sit down.
"Careful," I whispered to Johanna as we both sat him down on the floor. He winced and I did, too, when I saw how the blood had seeped through his clothes. "Wait here," I told him. He looked at me with eyes full of pain but nodded. I sent him a sad smile before getting back on my feet and walking away.
He was still in that aisle, looking for something when I approached him. "What is this place? How come you have access to all this?"
Cato glanced at me before going back to his previous task. "I have a friend who works here. Her dad owns this store. She gave me the keys in case of an emergency." he explained grabbing another box of pills from the shelf. "I'd say this is one."
He then without another word went back to where Jo and Gale were sitting. I followed him back to my friends with furrowed eyebrows. Cato squatted next to Gale and laid out everything he'd gathered before him. "If you could take off your top, I'll dress your wound."
Gale looked up at me, surprised. I felt the corners of my lips go up slightly forming a ghost of a smile and I nodded to encourage him to do as he was asked. He took off his jacket with a quiet hiss of pain before Johanna assisted him with pulling his shirt over his head as slowly and as carefully as she could.
"This is gonna sting," Cato warned him before pouring a clear liquid over his wound which I presumed should help with disinfection. Gale bit his bottom lip hard and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to muffle a moan he knew was coming.
I couldn't watch him suffer like that. He was here now because of me. It was all my fault. I couldn't stand it.
I walked away.
March 22, 2022
08:23 a.m.
I woke up to my body trying to take a deep breath, resulting in horrible pain crushing my entire midsection. I gasped breathlessly and opened my eyes wide in shock.
Where was I?
I choked when I tried taking in more oxygen, which only made my chest hurt like it was burning.
"Nurse!" I heard a strangely familiar voice call out, as through tears of pain I saw a moving figure of a girl standing above me. "Call the doctor!"
I continued to choke on the air, afraid it would deliver more pain, clenching my fists so hard my nails broke the skin on the inside of my hands.
"Clove, it's okay!" I heard the same person say to me. "You're gonna be fine!"
More people showed up out of the blue and I saw them fussing around me, but I couldn't really tell what they were doing. Before long, I was out again. The blackness surrounded me once more and it just felt so peaceful. So quiet. I couldn't really feel anything. I couldn't remember anything. It was blissful. Sooner or later, though...
... you always have to wake up.
The next time my eyes opened, I was able to take a deep breath without making my body scream in pain. Glancing down at my arm I saw a wire coming out of my vein and leading to the IV that stood right beside the hospital bed. I was also able to make out Johanna's concerned face, as she moved her chair closer to me with bloodshot eyes and flushed cheeks. I didn't want to ask her. I was so afraid of asking her, but I knew I had to... sooner or later.
"What happened?"
My voice didn't sound like me. It was a voice of the old me; that broken, little girl who I hated so much. Jo gave me a teary look as if asking me not to make her do this. She didn't look like herself, either. Excluding a few scratches on her collarbone and neck, physically she seemed just fine. She licked her dry, chipped lips and took a breath before looking me in the eyes. "Cato and Finnick are in surgery."
I felt vomit literally make its way up my throat, as soon as those words left her mouth. I pulled my body to the other side of the bed and puked on the floor, choking and shivering. Johanna came running immediately, her hands trying to keep me steady as I continued vomiting. She turned her face away, but before she did I could see tears marking her cheeks. Was there something she was not telling me? How bad was it?
Without glancing at me, she handed me a bunch of tissues from the windowsill and I cleaned myself up a little, knowing it was time to compose myself and get all the answers. "What... happened?" I asked again. She stayed quiet. "Johanna,"
Finally, she looked at me again, not caring much to hide her tears anymore. She waited for another minute or so and then in a small voice that was so unlike her, she said: "They must have heard us back there, so they sent a few guards. They started shooting at us. I saw... I saw Finnick pushing you off the stairs right before he got shot. He landed right beside you and that's when Cato tried to get to you," she paused, squeezing her eyes shut. "But he got shot halfway there and collapsed on the ground."
I swallowed hard, tears filling my eyes despite all of my attempts to hold them back. And I just waited. Waited to hear the rest of it.
"We began shooting at them so that we could get the three of you back to the van. But you and Finnick were unconscious. And Cato couldn't even walk. He got shot twice, in his leg and abdomen."
"How..." I choked out. "How is he doing.. now?"
Johanna wiped her cheeks hastily and shook her head. "I'm not sure... Clove, we were an hour and a half away from the end of Purge. We tried our best to stop the bleeding, but-"
I closed my eyes, feeling nauseous all over again. Cato and Finnick got shot. They couldn't stop the bleeding. For an hour and a half, they just tried to stop the bleeding.
"How long have they been in surgery?" I decided to ask a more technical question since it didn't seem like Johanna had any solid answers.
"We got here around 6:30 and they admitted you guys at 7 a.m. sharp... It's 11 now," she whispered.
"And what's wrong with me?" I questioned her more for whatever reason because I really did not care.
"You have fractured your wrist and took a really bad fall, so they were worried about internal bleeding, but they've checked you thoroughly and you seem fine. They gave you some morphine for the pain,"
"Can I get out of this bed then?"
"I don't know-"
"What DO you know?" I snapped before I could stop myself. Johanna pulled back from me with wide eyes, only half-surprised by my attitude. She didn't get the chance to respond, though. Gale chose that particular moment to show up in the doorway, his pale face regaining some colors when he saw me awake. Ignoring the awkwardness he walked in on, he took a few shaky steps to my hospital bed and held me in his arms gently, careful not to hurt me.
I stayed in his embrace for a little while, my eyes wide and blank as if I didn't feel anything. As if I didn't care.
An hour later, without seeking a permission from my doctor, I sneaked out to Cato's room.
I dreaded the moment he would wake up. As much as I wanted him to, as much as I feared he wouldn't, I still was scared of the moment I'd have to look him in the eyes and not only tell him what was going on with his best friend, but also tell him just how much I hated him for what had happened to us. Gale had been right all along. This was not a protest against the system that for years have been killing American citizens with impunity. This was no act of bravery from young high-schoolers. This whole thing that Cato had created was just one thing and one thing only: stupid. I didn't know how I hadn't realized that earlier. I didn't know how I could ever find it so righteous and exciting. How could that ever deliver any adrenaline? How could I do it twice?
I didn't know how long it had been since the last time I felt this way about the guy lying in front of me. I didn't want to feel that way, but my thoughts were so intense I was not able to stop them anymore. I was in pain and in shock and I didn't care much for whatever excuse he would come up with.
Finnick was dying.
That was all that I could think of. Finnick was hanging by a thread; the doctors gave him a few percent chance of survival. If his organs started failing now, there would be no turning back. They'd have to take him off life support. If that didn't happen, we were still looking at weeks or months of him hooked up to the machines in a coma, unlikely to ever wake up from it and even if he did, the chances of him being the way he used to be, were slim. The chances of him waking up and recovering fully were, say, as possible as me forgiving Cato when he wakes up; close to zero.
It took hours, but once my eyes started closing despite my attempts to stay awake, I heard him grunt under his breath. I sat up straight in my chair, swallowing hard, both happy and scared seeing him finally come back to life. As I looked at his pained face, I knew I couldn't fool myself that I didn't care for him. That I actually hated him. That I would never be able to forgive him.
Slowly, his eyes opened just to squint right afterward, due to the bright light that sun was forcing into the room through the hospital window. I could tell he was hurting. I could tell he wasn't sure where he was.
Choking back a sniff, I reached out and grabbed his hand, knowing he'd recognize my touch. His features relaxed when he felt me and I bit my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. He was alive. That really was all that mattered. He was back.
"Hey," I choked out, squeezing his fingers. "It's Clove."
"I know it's you," he whispered weakly before finally managing to fully open his eyes. I almost looked away, because I couldn't stand the horror that was filling those blue eyes of his as he glanced at me. "How bad is it?"
I decided to give him a moment with me; a calm and peaceful minute that he could hopefully take comfort in. Before all hell breaks loose. I let go of his hand and placed my fingers on his cheek, leaning slightly forward to be closer to him for that one blissful minute when I tried to forget how much I wanted to yell in his face. He studied me carefully, noticing the bandage around my wrist and some more dressings on my neck and arms, the bruises on my collarbone and scratches on my cheeks. His face grew even sadder, as he noticed the state I was in. How little he knew… How much he had yet to find out…
"I'm so sorry," he choked out, tears pooling in those beautiful, cold eyes of his. "Clove, I am so sorry-"
"Shh," I hushed him, stroking his hair. I didn't want to hear his apology. I had no use for it. "Cato, listen to me," I said in a slightly shaking voice, pulling back, my hand removing the comfort it was giving him. "Things are worse than you think. Much worse."
His face paled instantly, making me wonder how much he actually remembered from what happened. "How's the rest of our team? Is Johanna okay?" he asked me hastily, his lips trembling as he spoke. There was dead silence between us for a while, before he finally said it, "It's Finnick… isn't it?"
The lack of response was an answer enough for him. He sucked in a breath as he struggled to sit up, wincing in the process. But I didn't move to help him. "Clove," he whispered, his voice sounding like it was seconds from breaking down. "Please," his eyes begged me to say something. Anything. "Just… just tell me."
"Finnick is dying, Cato," I said, the tone of my voice colder than I had expected it would be. "His heart stopped several times on the operating table and he is now in a coma, unlikely to ever wake up." I told him and without giving him a second to recover from that, I mercilessly continued: "Your best friend was shot in the chest because he was trying so hard not to disappoint you. Because he wouldn't let go. Because he was determined to finish his job. A job that probably cost him his life."
I had no idea where all those hateful words were coming from. I didn't know why I found it so incredibly hard to just be happy that Cato was alive and well. To be thankful it wasn't him also in a coma. But as the memory of Finnick's smiling face crossed my mind, I found myself falling into that endless bitterness more and more. "Finnick literally shielded me from the bullets, getting shot himself instead and yet he still covered me from the explosion YOU could have stopped."
"Clove, you know I couldn't do anything. Once you put that device into motion, it takes a long time to-"
"You could have done something!" I finally cracked, getting on my feet. "It was all YOUR idea! It was YOUR plan! You were in charge of all that! And yet when we were being shot at, when Finnick took a fucking BULLET for me when he covered me with his own broken body… where were YOU!?"
Cato looked as if I just shot him in the heart, sitting there all breathless and speechless, which only made me angrier and angrier. How dared he look so innocent? How dared he not say anything? How dared he stare at me like I was out of line?
"Finnick… has always been there for me when you weren't. Always. All those times you acted like a dick for a stupid reason, it was HIM that stood by me. It was HIM that I could count on. When I had no one, at least I knew he was there." I spat out, clenching my shaking fists, making my knuckles turn white. "And he was there last night to protect me. He was there to save my life. He was there," I rubbed it all in, even more, watching his frozen, devastated expression. "Where were YOU?"
He still said nothing, just watching me in utter shock, regret painted on his face. But he had no more words for me. No more 'sorry's'. No more "'I couldn't do anything's'. He just sat there, trembling from pain and I could no longer tell if it was his injuries that were hurting him or his heart.
I didn't know if I meant all of what I just let myself shout out. But I cared so little. The rage I felt was white hot and it was burning inside of me. I didn't want to look at him. I wanted to be as far away from those blue eyes of his as possible.
Without another word, I spun around and left him alone to digest the horrors he had woken up to.
March 22, 2023
12:05 a.m.
Time remaining: 00:06:54:41
I was sitting with my back pressed against the cold wall behind me, my eyes closed as I tried to compose myself before going back to the rest. I wasn't doing a very good job with that so far; my hands were still slightly shaking and my heart kept pumping out blood like crazy.
Breathe. I told myself. But my body wouldn't listen.
"Hey."
My eyes opened wide at the sound of his voice, but I said nothing when he sat down beside me, his arm brushing mine and that certainly didn't help calm my heartbeat. "Are you okay?" he asked me softly and I worked up the guts to look at him.
"Yeah," I whispered with a weak nod. "How's Gale?"
"I disinfected and dressed his wound, then gave him some pain killers. I think he'll be alright."
I licked my dry lips, feeling rather at a loss for words. "Thank you.." I said, hoping he'll know just how much I meant it. Words, all of a sudden, seemed to lack any value for me. "Are, um..." I paused, feeling a large lump tightening my throat. Afraid I'd break into tears any second, I swallowed hard and looked away. "Are you okay?"
I sensed his laser focused gaze on my face but dared not looking him in the eyes. It seemed like it took him hours to respond;
"I'm all right, Clove." he tried assuring me, but I knew better. None of us were all right. We were, in fact, as far from all right as humanly possible. "You don't have to worry about me."
"Of course I do," I argued, still incapable of facing him. "I always do."
He didn't say anything for a long while and we were surrounded by this blissful silence for a few beautiful minutes. I couldn't remember the last time that we sat like that together in a comfortable silence. Without speaking or passive aggressive looks when the other was facing away. "I never stopped worrying about you either," Cato said suddenly, making me finally glance at him with my shiny eyes.
"I know." I nodded because I did know. I knew he'd been watching me for all those past months we didn't speak to each other. I knew he'd been checking in with Johanna to make sure I was holding up alright. I decided to keep that a secret, though. "I've missed you so... so much," I whispered, making my eyes fill up with hot, unwanted tears. He stared at me, shocked to the core, not expecting a confession of that sort from me. "I need you to know that I am so sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me the most. And if I die tonight-"
"Hey," he cut me off, placing his hand on my cheek firmly, "You... are not going to die tonight, Clove," he told me as if it was up to him and him only. "You're not dying tonight. You hear me?"
I shook my head, trying to get away from his touch because it was all too much, but he refused to let me go. "You're not gonna die, little girl," he whispered softly, looking straight into my eyes and I felt warmth gradually replacing the fear I've been paralyzed with. "I won't let anything happen to you. You have my word."
Tears rolled down my numb cheeks and he brushed them away gently with his hands. "You're gonna be okay, I promise you."
"What about you? And Gale and Jo?" I choked out. "I can't lose you guys, too..."
"You won't," he vowed again, pulling me into a hug. "We'll be alright, okay? We can survive this."
I nodded against his chest and let him hold me like that for a minute before I decided to carry on with the one thing I've been pushing to the back of my mind ever since Finnick died. Something that needed to be said before the Purge takes that chance away.
"When my dad died," I whispered and immediately felt him tense up. I couldn't blame him; I've never spoken about my dad before. It was a taboo subject and he was well aware of that "when he died, my mom went crazy. I don't mean depressed and grieving kind of crazy... I mean she went bonkers." I sensed Cato frown in confusion, but I didn't think I had the courage to finish my story if I had to look him in the eyes. His steadily breathing chest and strong arms wrapped around me weak form were giving me the comfort I needed to be able to carry on. "For months, I was the one that had to take care of my little brother. Make sure there was food on the table. Make sure he had clothes to wear. Make sure he was safe while my mom was popping prescription pills in the bedroom and she'd go days without stepping outside. There were times I had to go and check if she was even alive because all she did was take drugs and drink alcohol with my fucking two-year-old brother in the next room."
Cato's grip on me tightened significantly and I knew he could not believe his ears. And that he probably wanted me to stop. But this had to be said.
"I was handling it. At least... I thought I was. Until one day she pushed Jakie on the wall, giving him a concussion." I swallowed hard and tasted more tears. "Because he wouldn't stop crying for his daddy."
"Oh my God," Cato whispered, resting his cheek on top of my head for comfort.
"You're probably wonderin' how it's possible that my mom didn't lose custody over Jakie," I continued, feeling anger filling me up like hot lava. "She didn't because I lied. I lied for her. I told the doctors he fell at the playground and that it was my fault. I lied because I wanted to believe so badly that she'd get better."
"And she did..." Cato murmured and I nodded.
"Yeah... but she wouldn't have, had I not decided to have her admitted to a psychiatric hospital. She was steps away from dying herself by the time they took her away and Jakie was sent to my dad's family in Canada. But there was no room for me, so they placed me in a foster home. When that didn't work out, they realized my mom had an even crazier sister and decided it'd do me some good if I ended up living with her for two years. Turned out she was the spitting image of my mother; except that she was that way because she didn't give a shit, whereas my mom suffered a mental breakdown because she had lost someone she loved more than anyone else in the world. More than her own kids, too..."
I spent a lifetime trying to come to terms with it... The fact my own mother loved me less than a mom should. There were times I hated her for that deeply. But my dad was such an amazing man that I found it hard to blame her for it.
"I couldn't do this again, Cato." I choked out, as I continued. "I couldn't be there for you seeing how broken you were. I couldn't be the person to pick up the pieces and make sure they stay in place. I couldn't go through that again. I needed to feel something; I needed to be able to grieve the way I should have when I lost my dad. But I couldn't because I had my little brother to take care of. Because no one else was going to do that for me. But when Finn died... it was just me, Cato. My mom was still away at that time and Jake was safe. It was just me and I needed it to be just me. I desperately needed to have the chance to mourn. The chance that was taken away from me that last time. I couldn't shut everything out again, it'd have killed me. It would have eaten me from the inside... I couldn't let you do to me what my mom had done. I would have ended up hating you like I still hate her for what she's put Jake and me through."
There was silence for a few, dreadful moments, filled with heavy sorrow and uncertainty. What was there to say? What could he possibly say in response to that?
"I thought you already hated me..." Cato whispered into my hair. I pushed away from him to be able to look at him. Words couldn't describe how much love and affection I saw in his eyes in that moment. We should have had that conversation a long time ago. We should have played things out differently. But people are stupid. That's right, I said it. We are a special kind of dumb at times; we don't learn from our mistakes. We take things for granted. We are incapable of appreciating the people and things we were blessed with. Until we are steps away from 'too late'.
"I never hated you," I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper. "I could never hate you."
March 25, 2022
12:38p.m.
I walked down the hospital hall that was, now, way too familiar for me, it was almost painful; like I've been living here for a while. I had gone home last night to get some sleep and little did I know I really did need it. I was secretly grateful to Cato for asking Johanna to stay with Finnick so I could get some proper rest. Of course, all I dreamed of was horrifying nightmares filled with the blood of those I loved and deeply cared for. But even despite that, when I woke up almost 12 hours later, I felt significantly better; physically anyway. I didn't think there was anything that could make me feel better emotionally. Finnick was still dying and the call I had received from Johanna, that had put me out of sleep, just made me panic even worse. She refused to give me any details over the phone, just asked me to come to the hospital as soon as possible. So I got dressed and within five minutes I was already running out the door.
I saw Jo sitting by Finnick's room in the company of the one person I really didn't want to be around. But he was there, looking like he hadn't slept in a week. What I did notice was that he was no longer hooked up to the IV and was wearing a reasonable outfit instead of that ridiculous hospital gown. I could tell he has still not been discharged due to cannulas still plastered to the middle of both of his arms.
As soon as he saw me coming toward them, his face changed colors. He looked down to the floor, unable to meet my eyes and I couldn't blame him. I was trying to avoid his at all costs, too.
"What's happening?" I gasped when I finally reached them. Johanna shook her head as if to let me know nothing had taken a turn for the worse.
"The doctor called us to his office," she explained, standing up. "He wants to talk to us about Finn."
"Why?" I choked out, not liking the sound of that.
"I don't know," she sighed. "Cato figured that you'd want to be here for that, though, so I called you."
I swallowed, trying to moisten my dry throat and stop the horrible itching. I glanced at Cato, who still refused to return the favor. I watched him for a brief moment, debating with myself whether I should say something to him or just keep my mouth zipped. "Ok," I finally whispered. "Let's go then."
Nothing else was said. We walked side by side to Finn's doctor's office, silence filling the air between us. A nurse let us in and told us to take seats and that he would be right with us. We waited for about ten minutes, unwilling to make any kind of small talk. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Cato and Johanna exchanged looks a few times, but I decided it was best to ignore that. I sat to Cato's right, feeling rather stuck. I could feel the warmth radiating from his body and all my heart was telling me to do was to hold him. God, how I missed that-
"Good afternoon, guys," doctor Grant greeted us, closing the door behind him and snapping me out of my wishful and hopeless dreams. "How you all doing?"
"Fine," Cato responded dismissively; I knew he really wanted to know what was so urgent. Maybe, just like me, he was expecting a bit of good news for a change. "Why are we here?"
Doctor Grant sat in his chair in front of us and clasped his hands together, an uneasy look on his face that I really didn't want to try and interpret on my own. "As I am sure you've already figured out, it's about my patient and your friend, Mr Oddair," he began, making all of us sit up straight, trying to prepare for whatever was to come. "It seems as though time has come to discuss the next step in his treatment. We've found Finnick's entire medical history and it's very clear to us that he had picked the person that would be allowed to make decisions should it was ever necessary," he continued and I was close to telling him to just make his point already, instead of going around it in circles. "Finnick has undergone a very difficult surgery during which his heart stopped beating four times, he has been given a blood transfusion, but he never really stabilized ever since."
"What are you trying to tell us?" Johanna finally asked what all of us had on our minds. Doctor Grant let out a heavy breath as if bracing himself for the bed news he had to deliver.
"I'm afraid there is little to no brain activity," he whispered, almost as if he was afraid saying it louder would hurt us more. But there was nothing that could possibly hurt us more. We were already in excruciating pain. "I am very sorry, but it seems to us that his chances of recovery are almost non-existent at this point."
I sat there, trying to block out his voice that sounded so distant in my ears; like it was a dream. Like this wasn't actually happening.
"He picked you, Cato, for his emergency contact, did you know that?"
Johanna and I both glanced at him and I was amazed at how well he was able to keep himself together. "Yes," he croaked. "Yes, I did."
"We have tried calling his uncle, but we were unable to reach him and we feel time is an important factor here." He carried on, giving Cato something that he probably considered a comforting look. "It is up to you what happens next. Have you ever talked to him about extraordinary measures? Do you know what he would wish for you to decide?"
I couldn't breathe. Not only did Finnick end up like this because of Cato's brilliant idea, but now he was the one to decide what the doctors would do next to help him? How could he know, anyway? Wasn't it doctors' job to decide their patient's treatment?
"Ninety days. "
I froze. My lips parted as I looked at Cato in disbelief, wishing for a way I could rewind five seconds back because I couldn't have heard him correctly.
"What?" I choked out, but he didn't look at me.
"Ninety days," he repeated louder now, making the blood in my veins turn ice cold. "Starting today. Ninety days and if his condition doesn't get any better," he paused and I saw his Adam's apple quivering as he swallowed hard. "… unplug him."
Tears blurred my vision, as I continued to stare at Cato, more disappointed in him than I have ever been. "What are you saying?" I whispered tearfully, making him finally glance at me. "You can't just do that-"
"Clove, you heard the doctor," he tried to reason with me. "He will never wake up-"
"You don't know that!" I insisted. Johanna stared at me with wide eyes, apparently at a loss for words. "You can't just give up on him, we have to have hope-"
"Hope for what!?" Cato snapped, his cheeks turning flushed, his eyes red and teary. "In the best case scenario, he will wake up mentally or physically disabled, unable to walk by himself, eat by himself, is that what you want for him?"
"I want him to live!" I barked, tears of anger and sorrow marking my cold cheeks. "I want to believe he'll get better! He can still wake up, people DO wake up!"
"Can you just put your emotions aside for once in your life and see the bigger picture?"
"And what bigger picture is that!? You killing him!?"
Cato moved back, blinking fast as those hateful words slipped through my lips so very easily. I almost looked shocked myself that I actually said that. It was too late to take it back now. Dead silence filled the room as Cato and I stared at each other with a mixture of helplessness and despise.
"That's what he would want," he whispered after what seemed like forever and I laughed coldly.
"How can you know what he would-"
"Because I'm his BEST friend!" Cato yelled, now making me pull back, more tears falling down my face and disappearing in the mass of my tangled hair. "Because I'm his brother! His whole family! Because I grew up with him and he would NOT want that!" he pointed to the door as if Finnick was lying right behind it, hooked up to all those loud machines that have been keeping him alive for days now. "Don't you think we talked about this?" he asked, trying to calm his voice. "Think we were just going Purging without ever mentioning what should happen if one of us ended up like this?" he snapped, an ugly grimace covering his face. "There is a reason I'm his emergency contact. He knew I'd do what he wished for."
I never thought my heart could ever ache so much. I had never allowed myself to feel the loss of my dad before because I couldn't afford to. I wasn't given that opportunity. I would never have thought that it was for the best; not to feel all this.
"Here is the paperwork," doctor Grant said carefully, reminding us he was still there, watching and listening to every yell that just filled this dead air in his office. "You have to sign at the bottom."
Cato glanced down at it and stared for a good two minutes or more, probably sensing my eyes on him the entire time. Slowly he reached for the paper and the pen that he squeezed in his trembling fingers. And then he just did it. Just like that, he signed it. I watched him write his name on Finnick's death sentence and it hurt more and more with every letter he scribbled.
"He said 'thirty days'," Cato whispered, as he put the pen down, staring at his signature dreadfully. "He told me not to let him rot in bed, hooked up to the machines for longer than thirty days. I'm giving him ninety. He would kick my ass if he-"
"If he woke up?" I cut him off, glaring at his profile with unstoppable tears flowing down my cheeks. "Guess that'll never happen. Congratulations, your ass will be just fine." I spat my last bitter words, before pushing the chair back, making lots of screeching noise, as I stood up. Ignoring Johanna's absolutely stunned face, I got the hell out of that office.
Far away from Cato.
March 22, 2023
02:13 a.m.
Time remaining: 00:04:46:35
I wasn't sure what snapped me out of the many nightmares I was dreaming, snuggled up to Cato's side as we sat there together in the back of the store. I wasn't sure if it was just my instinct kicking in, or if I sensed something threatening was coming our way. I wasn't sure if it was Cato shaking my shoulder or that familiar, dangerous sound of the truck closing its distance with our location.
"Clove," I heard Cato's voice loud and clear now. "Get up."
I pulled away from him and he took my hand gently and helped me up, just as Johanna came running toward us, gun at the ready. "They've found us, we gotta get," she whispered in a hurry and we didn't hesitate to follow her. I made my way to Gale quickly and grabbed his healthy arm, squeezing it a bit too hard.
"You okay?" I asked and he nodded reassuringly.
"Let's go," Cato whispered, motioning with his head to the back exit we had entered through. We knew we had a maximum of thirty seconds before the soldiers surround the entire building. So as quietly and as quickly as we could, we ran to the back door. Cato punched in the code again and walked outside first, frantically looking around. He then nodded to Johanna letting her know it was clear. She joined him outside and immediately began heading to the wall that separated the alley from another's building backyard. I saw her climb it nimbly and when she was at the top, she nodded at me and Gale.
I glanced at my best friend before we both walked outside. As I was about to push past Cato, he grabbed a hold of my arm and looked me deep in my scared, dark eyes. "Do not wait for me, you hear me?" he whispered, making my heart drop the very bottom of my stomach. "Once you're on the other side of this wall, you run as fast as you can and do not stop, do you understand?"
I heard footsteps approaching us. I didn't have a choice. As much as it hurt me, I nodded and sent him one last tearful look, as I squeezed his hand, praying it wasn't our last goodbye. I ran after Gale who managed to make it to the top of the wall with Johanna's help. He then reached for me and within a few seconds I was already with him on the other side and Johanna was crossing the backyard and heading toward the next alley. I threw one last desperate glance up at the wall, hoping to see Cato crawling his way over it, but he wasn't there.
"Come on," Gale whispered, taking my hand and pulling me along. Had I known how much further we would make it, I would have fought Gale harder to stay put and wait for Cato. But how could I know?
We ran after Johanna and as soon as we stepped into the alley, I felt a dull, blinding pain hit me out of nowhere on the back of my head.
And then there was darkness. And nothing, but darkness. And I was stuck in it, hoping I would never wake up, yet knowing at the same time that sooner or later...
... I will.
A/N: I know... it has been forever. I sincerely apologize, but I'm sure that those of you who also write fanfictions know that sometimes it seems impossible to write more than a sentence at a time.. Fortunately, though, it appears that my inspiration is back and thus I was able to give you the longest chapter yet! Nearly 14,000 words, people! :) I already have a bunch of scraps written and waiting for furture chapters, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed I will be able to update again soon! I really, really hope that you liked it and would appreciate it so much if you could let me know what you think!