Do you remember love?

by Nessa Yavetil

Is it possible to live without love? For some time, she thought she could do it; she thought she could be the perfect smiling doll forever. But the world she had so carefully built one night started to collapse between her hands, and that's when he appeared, to pick up the pieces. This is a little story about the side effects of a happy ending. ExT. For mature readers only.

10. The Glow

10. The Glow

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"To be born again for your sake;

Letting me forget with your voice and your touch;

Breaking off the chains that bind my heart and feet;

To be born again in your arms."

Oruha - Clover

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...

Sometimes, unexpected things happened.

Like meeting again, in the strangest of situations, with someone you thought you would never see again.

Like ending up, by a feat of chance or of fate, spending the night at that person's house. Once. Twice. No… three times, actually.

The first one because you had no other option.

The second one, because all your other options sucked.

But, the third one…

Unexpected things: to find out that this person was so much more than it seemed. To find out there was someone who could truly see you and accept you, with everything you had; the good and the awful, the light and the dark. To find out it was possible for someone to like you, despite all your inner struggle and your ugliness and your contradictions, or better yet: because of them.

And that all of that would happen just when you had lost all hope that it would ever happen.

Yes, unexpected things happened sometimes; but nothing so surprising and unexpected as this thing that was stirring in my chest, this feeling of finding myself again in a place I thought I would never be, feeling again this warmth that I thought forever lost, buried for years in the bottom of my heart…

It was a hopeful and frightening thing at the same time, because… what to do with it? Should I do anything at all? I was so used to just do nothing about what was in my heart; yet now I had the distinct feeling that I would cause more hurt by not acting rather than by doing it, and it made everything so much more complicated and confusing…

But... how? How to let that person know what I felt, if I myself couldn't find the words, if I myself couldn't understand it completely yet? So many times I've helped Sakura-chan and Li-kun to express their feelings; yet now that for the first time ever it was me who desperately needed to say something, that it was me who needed to pour my heart out into words, there was no one to help me, and for the first time I realized how hard it was. Yet anyway, I had to do it, I had to find a way; I just couldn't go to sleep one more night with that feeling of having something huge bottling up inside me, and not having done anything about it. Not having him so close. No.

"Eriol…" I started, feeling how my face turned red and I started to babble. "I want to thank you… for what you did last night."

"What did I do?" he said, looking at me with a strange glow in his eyes, and for a moment I forgot about everything else; words were erased in my mind, and I could only smile shyly and look down.

How could I tell him? What he did, I didn't know exactly what it was; I could only feel its effects, and even that was too difficult to put into words. And he, for once, didn't seem to realize of what was happening inside me; didn't seem to notice the tremor that ran through my body as his hand touched my face and he got closer to me, his eyes fixed on mine.

"Tell me…" he said. "You think you could stay here on your own?"

No! I thought, but it was impossible to say it out loud. No, of course I don't want to be on my own, do you need me to say it? Don't you realize?

How would I want to sleep all alone, after having done it in your arms?

"Y-yes." I muttered, unable to get the words I really wanted to say out of my mouth. "I think so."

"Then… good night." he said, and that strange glow was still in his eyes, but I couldn't watch it for too long, because suddenly he got a lot closer, and I was trapped between his body and the wall, my heart pounding at a maddening speed as I felt his hands brushing my face and burying themselves into my hair and his warm lips pressing themselves for a moment against my forehead. Unable to help myself, I closed my eyes and sighed. Perhaps… perhaps there wasn't any need for words. Perhaps he had understood, and just this would be enough; my closed eyes and his lips kissing my face, just like the other time; but no, it wasn't like the other time, it was completely different from the other time, because now there was something I wanted with all my strength, something that was close, so close; almost within grasp, and my whole body trembled in excitement at the thought that this time it would happen, and my heart leaped inside my chest when I felt his lips touching mine; and yes, it was happening, and at the moment there was nothing that I wanted more than that, than to feel his arms wrapping around me and his mouth kissing me for real, with everything he had, and merge into that kiss and show him, by doing so, everything that happened inside me.

Without words.

But then, as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped.

Why?

I opened my eyes, and I saw a strange, somewhat sad grin on his face. He looked at me for a moment, and, to my surprise, he turned around and walked away, until he disappeared behind his bedroom door.

No.

No, no, no!

What the hell had just happened? Why did he so suddenly stop, leaving me alone in the middle of that hallway?

I stood there, leaning against the wall for a few seconds; my heart beating wildly inside my chest as I struggled to catch my breath and understand what had just happened. Did he not want to kiss me? Why had he left all of a sudden? What was I supposed to do now; go into my room and try to sleep, and pretend nothing happened?

No, that was impossible. Besides… he wanted to kiss me, I knew. I felt it. Even if it was no more than a touch of lips, there was something in his mouth, in his hands; some kind of restrained eagerness, and his gaze, the way he had been looking at me all day, that inexplicable glow in his eyes… I realized I knew that glow. I've seen it lots of times, I knew what it meant; even though I've never seen it in the eyes of someone while staring at me… until now.

The mere thought of it made me quiver inside.

He wants me.

He really wants me.

Then... why?

Maybe… maybe it was my fault? Maybe I hadn't been clear with him? In truth, I hadn't said anything to him… I hadn't shown anything, and the truth was that, until now, I wasn't even sure of what I felt.

Until now.

What do you want from me? he had asked me twice yesterday, and neither time was I able to give him an honest answer. But I suddenly realized I knew it now, I knew the answer to that question, I knew what I wanted, and I also knew, with a deep and absolute certainty, that if I really wanted it I would have to go and get it. He had made himself very clear. What happened the other time, will never happen again… ever.

I finally understood the meaning of those words.

Gathering all my courage, I walked towards his bedroom door. I put my hand on the doorknob. I took a deep breath. And then, I opened it.

He was standing there, his back turned to me and a bottle of wine in his hand. He turned around as soon as he heard the door, and I could see a look of genuine shock on his face. No, he didn't expect me to do this. And I, to say the truth, didn't expect it either; yet here I was, words tangling in my mouth and heat burning my face, but I was going to say it, whatever it takes. I was going to do it.

"I can be on my own…" I muttered, as I closed the door behind me and stared at him intently, hoping he would understand. "But… I don't want to."

He stared back for a moment, and then, the expression of his face changed, softened; I saw a faint smile forming in his lips, and I felt oddly relieved.

Finally… you have understood.

I walked towards him, slowly, still unsure of what I was going to do next but knowing in my heart that I had to do it, and I stood there before him, staring at him for a few seconds.

"Can I have some of that?" I said, pointing at the bottle he had in his hand. He nodded, smiling, and as he filled two glasses with that intense red wine, I looked at him again, and I realized of something extraordinary. I wanted to be closer to him. Closer than I had been last night. Closer than I had ever been.

He offered me one of the glasses, silently. I grabbed it and took it to my lips, not moving my eyes away from his; I felt the sweet taste of wine playing in my mouth for a moment, and then, without giving it a second thought, I emptied the entire glass in one big gulp, put it down on the end table, and then, holding my breath, I went to him, grabbed his face and caught his lips with mine.

It was as if everything had stopped for a second, as if everything had went still; everything but the wild pounding of my heart. An irrational fear overcame me then, a fear that brought me back to the last time I had dared to do something like this, and the disastrous consequences it had. But it only lasted a moment, because then he reacted; and it was impossible to describe the thrill that ran through my veins when I felt his mouth answering me, his lips pressing against mine, his arms wrapping around my body and holding me closer to his; and for a moment I felt as if I was floating, weightless. Yes, this, this was what I've needed for so long without knowing; this was what I've longed for and what she would never, ever be able to give me: the hunger, the surrender, the warm arms embracing me, lips that pressed against mine, hands that held on to me as if they never wanted to let me go, and that shocked willingness I felt in him as he kissed me back, as if this was something he has also needed and dreamed of but never really expected to happen...

And I felt just... overcome. It was really something out of this world to be in his arms like this, so unreal yet so inexplicably real at the same time, that I could barely believe that this was me, the shy and restrained Tomoyo, that it was my mouth pressing against his without shame, without holding anything back; and him, someone with whom I'd never, ever even thought about being in a situation like this before, not holding back either as he kissed me eagerly, over and over again, as if he wanted to seal some secret pact with his mouth... And yet somehow it felt right, it felt as if this was exactly what I wanted, what I've needed, and I could just let go, my head spinning as I let myself fall into the kiss and I learned how to respond to his lips, to his tongue that ventured inside my mouth searching for mine; to his hands that ran through my back and buried themselves in my hair... My arms went around his body by their own will, I merged into the exquisite embrace and kissed him until I was out of breath; pressing myself into him and sighing against his mouth and feeling an intense heat spread through my whole body.

Yes, this was what I wanted, this was what I needed; and for a while, it was enough.

But only for a while.

Something was awakening in my body, some kind of strange agitation; and it had to do with that night from a week ago, with the memories that started coming back to me and I couldn't help but relive: his gaze, his hands and his lips overcoming everything, his hot breath on my face, my neck; the exquisite fingers stroking me inside and out and the crude pleasure of it, one that I never thought myself capable of feeling. I felt the temperature of my body suddenly rising and my heart rate quickening; and not really thinking about what I was doing or where I wanted to go with it, just following some sort of impulse, I started pushing him, until we were by the edge of his huge king-sized bed, and then I pushed him a bit more, and the next moment he fell down on the soft mattress and I fell on top of him, and when I realized this the blush came back to my cheeks. He seemed a bit surprised himself, but before I could over-think it he was kissing me again, and his lips were so sweet, they were like a drug; they were full of fire and life and I, I couldn't think about anything anymore. I felt his arms wrapping around me and drawing me closer, and I let myself sink into the feelings; into the heat and the tingling and the strange agitation that were taking over my body with every second.

Unexpected things: what I felt when I noticed the thing that pressed against my thigh; so close to that place between my legs. The shudder that ran through me when I realized what it was, what it meant, and the shock it was; maybe because this was still all so new to me, maybe because I still couldn't quite believe that I could cause something like this to anyone. For a moment I was startled, and he seemed to realize what it was that startled me, because he stared at me with a strangely amused sparkle in his eye; and then, without the tiniest bit of shyness, he pulled me even tighter against his body, and I couldn't help but gasp into his face.

"Will you believe me now, when I say that I like you?" he whispered in my ear, and I couldn't help but chuckle and blush violently, all at the same time. No, this definitively wasn't like last time; that time he had been like a ghost, the ghost lover from my dreams, one that just gave me pleasure and requested nothing, never showing any sign of his own desire, and that was okay then, it was what I needed; I couldn't even deal with my own wants back then, I couldn't have possibly dealt with his. But now, now it was so different...

Now I would have died if he didn't want me; I needed him to want me, I needed to know what it was to be desired; and to feel it, so clear, so impossible to hide, so shamelessly evident right there, close to my weakest spot, to know I was the cause of this, shocked me and at the same time aroused me in a way I couldn't explain. My cheeks were burning red at the thought, but it was kind of nice; it was actually starting to feel very nice, to awaken some kind of tingling inside me that grew stronger with every second, like a void in my stomach, but a void that was... unexpectedly pleasurable. A strange desire started to overwhelm me; a desire to press myself against his body, to feel more of it, and I blushed even more when I realized what I wanted, and how my breath had quickened, along with my heartbeats.

What to do now with all this?

My face was burning, the memories of the other night kept running through my mind, giving me goosebumps; I couldn't free myself from them, and I knew I wanted to feel again like I've felt at that moment, I wanted to let go of everything and just surrender to the warmth of his hands and his closeness and relive all of those sensations; but not exactly like that time, no. That time had been nice, and pleasurable, extremely pleasurable; but it wasn't fulfilling. It wasn't enough, and now I was starting to glimpse why. That time he gave me comfort and pleasure, but I gave him nothing; I was able let myself go, but he wasn't; he remained under control the whole time and just gave me what I needed; and now I understood why that wasn't enough, why that could never be enough; why in a way, it was just as incomplete and unrewarding as it had been with Sakura.

But this wasn't like last time.

Unexpected things: the startled look on his eyes when he felt my hands moving up his face, taking his glasses off as I laid a kiss on his forehead, to feel the small frown there, and not giving him time to wonder to lay another one on his temple, and another on his cheek, and another, and another. The indescribable heat that flooded my chest when I saw the frown loosening, the eyes closing and his lips forming a faint but delighted little smile as he surrendered to the caress; the small sigh that escaped from them, and the sudden and overwhelming desire of making him let out more of those sighs.

Encouraged by his responsiveness, I kept laying wet, burning kisses down the line of his jaw, on the side of his ear, until I reached his neck. Not thinking about what I was doing, like possessed by some animal instinct, I buried my face there and rubbed it like a cat, breathing in the subtle aroma of his skin. He smelled like woods and incense, like damp earth and coffee beans a hint of something undefinable but strangely animal, musky, that reminded me of all things earthly, like sweat and sex. It was intoxicating, and I couldn't stop smelling it. I felt him gasp, I felt his fingers burying into my hair, pressing my face against his neck, and the steady rhythm of his heart growing faster when I placed a soft kiss there.

What a delightful surprise, the smoothness of his skin against my lips, and the throbbing pulse underneath, and his chest so firm under my hands; what an unexpected discovery all that hardness that was his body, so unlike the softness that had been Sakura's, so different and yet causing me just as much agitation inside; it was inexplicable. This thing I was feeling, was so similar to what I felt when I was with her, but at the same time so infinitely different that I couldn't understand it completely; it didn't make any sense, because what enticed me and aroused me now wasn't the tenderness, the fragility, the innocence -as it was with her-, but just the opposite. I could feel the strength in him; to touch him was to sense the things that I could do to him, things I would never dare to do to her; and I realized that all the restraint, all the carefulness I had forced in myself with her weren't necessary anymore; and inside me an urge that I would never have imagined possible before tonight was growing, and disturbed me: a desire to press myself against his body and touch him in ways that were anything but gentle, to bite him and sink my nails in his skin and... God, it was disturbing but at the same time strangely arousing, to realize that if I wanted, if I dared, I could do those things, that he would most likely let me, and not just that: that he might even want me to...

I laid wet kisses on his neck, grazing his skin with my teeth from time to time and feeling him squirm and shudder in my arms, and his breathing becoming more labored and his arms holding on to me more strongly by the minute, and it was driving me crazy, but it wasn't enough, it still wasn't enough; I wanted to feel more of his skin, I needed more of that intoxicating heat, and I needed it now. The shirt, I thought like in a trance. Not stopping to think about what I was doing, my hands went for the buttons and started to undo them. But I hadn't finished undoing the second one when I suddenly remembered Sakura's eyes that night, and I immediately stopped. Never, ever again I wanted to see such eyes.

"I'm sorry." I muttered, my face turning violently red as he stared at me a bit surprised. "Can I...? I mean... is it okay if...?"

"God, yes." he said, chuckling a little but also smiling reassuringly. "You can do whatever you want."

I smiled back -although a bit shyly-; and with a racing heart I continued what I had was doing until the fabric disappeared and his torso was revealed to me; the wide chest, the fair and smooth skin, the shadow between his clavicle and his shoulder, the line of fine, dark hairs traveling down below his navel... And it was all beautiful, in its own and unique way; a different kind of beauty from what her body had possessed, and it shocked me how much I wanted to touch this body, to study it, to discover all those places with my fingers and memorize them and make them mine.

Somewhat shyly, but with a growing fascination, I let my hands wander down his chest, marveling at the warmth and the softness of his skin, as my mouth left a path of kisses on the side of his ear. He gasped, holding me against his body; and I was startled by the sudden jolt that passed through my body when that particular part of his anatomy pressed against the tremulous territory between my legs, insinuating new and until now, unthinkable pleasures. I gasped, feeling my body shudder and heat and wetness gathering there, and my heartbeats rapidly increasing. Something inside me was going wild, and wanted to feel more, to discover more; and feeling a bit bold, I started to run my hand down his belly, past his navel and below, touching with growing hesitation as I got closer to the place where the skin ended and the fabric of his pants started. I let my hand linger over that limit for a moment, not really sure of how to go on; not really sure if I was supposed to do this or if he expected me to do it or what would it make him think of me. But then, a memory flashed through my mind, the memory of his hands touching me that night in almost the same way and how it felt, and an unbearable heat burned in my cheeks, and I knew I had to go on. Without a doubt, something amazing would happen.

Hesitantly, shyly, deeply aware of my clumsiness but encouraged by a growing curiosity, I let my hand venture lower; and my cheeks burned with a raging fire when I felt the bulging thing underneath that fabric, but even more when I noticed the shudder of pleasure that ran through him, and the faltering gasp that escaped from his lips as he felt my hand there. In a mixture of shyness and excitement, I realized that I wanted hear more sounds like that from his mouth, and feeling a little more confident, I started to stroke, to explore, to get to know that part of his body that until now had been something completely unknown to me; and to notice in awe the effects that my explorations caused in him.

Many incredible things happened at once; as he gasped and trembled I grew more and more fascinated with what my fingers did to his body, with how that part of him hardened more and more, as if some great energy was gathering there awakened only by my touch, and the rest of him was just eyes that closed, breathing that turned more and more labored, lips that pressed together, hands that grasped me even harder...

I touched him over the fabric until there was nothing left to do there, until I realized that it was no longer enough, that something else was needed. I wasn't sure of what or how but I was beginning to learn, to understand; my hand moved by its own will, undoing buttons and zippers and finding the inexplicable limit between the cold cloth and the burning skin; playing there for a moment until I finally dared to go further, venturing into the world of hardness and heat that hid underneath that fabric. It was a bit shocking, to feel that part of him that was like steel and velvet at the same time; and the moan that escaped his throat when my fingers closed around his flesh. It was a lot like the sound I've made that time when I felt his fingers slide inside me, and the memory of it and how it felt made my body quiver all over again. God, I needed to make him moan like that again; I needed him to remember my hands the way I remembered his. But, could I? Unlike him that time, I didn't really know what I was doing, I didn't have any experience and so I didn't know how to touch him or what he would like; but I started moving my hand through that length anyway, slowly, tentatively, while fire burned my cheeks and my heart pounded in my chest and I feared that I was too clumsy or that... But then I saw him gasping, I felt his hands clutching the fabric of my dress, and his head sinking into the mattress, and the sounds he made... My insecurities started to fade away like by magic. I was giving him pleasure, it was quite obvious, and suddenly I didn't feel so clumsy anymore; I even started to feel kind of powerful, and for some reason that turned me on in a way I couldn't quite explain. At the moment he was at my mercy, completely abandoned to me and my touch; and intoxicated by that feeling, I started to play, to experiment, to try different rhythms and pressures to find out what he liked better, and to see in awe how his body responded to my touch like flowers did to the sunlight.

Faster now, stronger. He was almost completely lost now, his breath coming out in labored gasps, and it was a real surprise when I heard actual words coming out of his mouth.

"T-tomoyo..." he uttered. "I-if you keep this..."

"Shhh." I whispered against his ear, and then rose my face until my eyes were locked with his. "Just for a change... stop talking, Eriol."

He looked surprised and almost as if he wanted to chuckle, but he couldn't; as I continued to stroke him, and the only thing that came out of his lips was a moan. I couldn't care less about what he wanted to say to me, I just didn't want anything to disrupt this; I wanted him to surrender to me completely, to abandon himself to my hands like I had done to his, to make him feel like he had made me feel… Staring into his eyes to show him how determined I was, I kissed his half-open lips, swallowing his protests; and it was a taste sweeter than any wine when he finally let go, his eyes closing, his head sinking into the mattress. I felt him moan against my mouth, and the memories of that night came back to me in full strength; I remembered how he had driven away the cold of my body with his hands and his lips, I remembered the amazing feelings that had rushed through my body and a great heat flooded my chest when I realized this time it was me giving them to him. My movements became more and more eager, almost frantic; and I knew this couldn't last much longer, something amazing would happen any moment now. I wasn't wrong. Soon I felt fingers digging into me, his body tensing and a moan escaping from his throat, and suddenly there was something warm in my hand and it startled me a bit but I didn't let go, I kept going as the waves of pleasure shook his body, and only when he finally quieted down and his hands loosened their death-grip on me and fell limp to the mattress, and his body relaxed and he laid there absolutely still, only then I let go. I looked at his face then, and what I saw was probably the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen: the small beads of sweat on his forehead, the locks of dark hair falling messily over his face, the eyes still closed but not as tightly as before, framed by those long, dark eyelashes, the faint smile that was hinted on his half-open lips, the satisfaction his whole semblance irradiated... and it was all mine, it was all my creation, I've done this; and for a moment the world was just that, everything else was erased, and I felt something close to happiness.

I remained like that for a few seconds, watching him in silence as his breathing slowly returned to something closer to a normal rhythm. Finally, he opened his eyes, and looked at me with a smile that I'd never seen on him; cheerful and innocent, it looked like a child's smile. Sitting up, he grabbed my hand, reached for a tissue on his end table and quickly cleaned it. Then, stroking my face and moving a lock of hair out my eyes, he said.

"God, Tomoyo... what did you do that for? Not that I'm complaining."

I smiled, perhaps a bit slyly.

"I was trying to make a point."

"Which is…?" I saw his eyebrow raising, and my grin widened.

"That I can make magic too."

He chuckled.

"Well... point throughly made. But, I was really selling you short when I called you beautiful. You're not just beautiful... you're amazing. Everything you do… is amazing."

I blushed a bit when I heard him say this; but his eyes were so close to mine and so bright and clear, I could see through them as if through a crystal; and I knew he meant every word. I felt something warm spreading through my chest, and a smile started to form in my lips, just for a moment, because before I could realize it his lips were on mine again. I gasped as he kissed me and held me against him; the sudden contact with his body stirring that fire inside me that hadn't faded out the tiniest bit; if anything it had intensified, it burned in my chest and my belly and didn't seem to be going any time soon. I felt an inner tingling, a need that wasn't satiated with all that had just happened; on the contrary, it had only grown stronger. This was how I felt that night at Sakura's, after it was over, and I suddenly realized this was how he must had felt as well, the night of the bar, after he comforted me with his hands and his lips without asking anything for himself.

But fortunately, this time wasn't like any of those other times.

Impatiently, not really sure of what was I trying to do but unable to stop myself, I drew closer to him, deepening the kiss and feeling the tingling in my skin intensify as I felt my breasts pressing against his bare chest and my thighs tightening at each side of his hips. His hands ran down my back, and up my legs, and all I could think of were those words that were struggling to escape from my mouth, that plea that kept repeating itself inside my head and that made a furious blush come to my face, because saying it out loud would be just too embarrassing… But I needed it so badly, I couldn't keep holding it back; not being here, so close and with my body feeling so good against his; and before I could realize it I heard a sound, a whisper, a faltering voice that I couldn't almost recognize as my own, murmuring against his ear.

"Eriol... please… touch me again... like you did the other night."

He suddenly went still and stared at me intently; something dark and undefinable sparkled in his eyes.

"My dear... I really want to, but... you do remember how the other night ended, right?"

"I know." I said, blushing. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone like that, but I was so... confused, and scared. My head was such a chaos... I didn't know what I wanted."

"And do you now? I'm sorry, but I need to ask... because I don't think I could handle going through that all over again."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... it was difficult, and confusing for me too. Do you have any idea of what I was thinking back then?"

I just stared at him, a little surprised, and shook my head no.

"I knew I wasn't the one you really wanted, but... I felt that you needed something that night, something besides words... A moment of pleasure, of... letting yourself go. I saw it, earlier in your room... what you did... how you stopped... how you wouldn't allow yourself, not even in your fantasy. So, I thought maybe I could give you just that, that moment of freedom that you needed. I didn't think it would affect me so much. But I was wrong. The moment I touched you, I was like a teenager again; all I could think of were all the things I wanted to do with you and couldn't allow myself to do. Oh, Tomoyo, you don't have an idea. You don't know the kind of things I was thinking, and the torture it was, to stick to my plan and remind myself all the time that it wasn't real, that you didn't really want me, that you just wanted some relief. You were so vulnerable… you would have probably let me do anything I wanted; and I had to struggle with myself, to not take advantage... I'm not proud of how tempted I was. I heard your moans; you were so freaking wet and warm it was driving me crazy, and all I could think of was how I wanted to rip all of your clothes, and travel every inch of your body with my mouth; to lick you and taste you and push you down on the bed and have my way with you right there, and make you moan even harder, to make you scream and say my name over and over again... I'm sorry. I shouldn't be telling you these things. But then you ran away, and it was like a reality slap; I came back to my senses and realized it was nothing but a dream, a fantasy, that you just didn't feel like that, that you didn't want any of the same things... at least not with me. That anything I could have done would have been dirty and wrong; that maybe it already was... It felt pretty shitty. You may not know what it's like... but I don't want to feel like that ever again."

Oh dear God.

I could barely believe what I was hearing. I felt myself blushing violently, I couldn't almost hold his gaze; such was the embarrassment his words had caused me.

Dammit Hiiragizawa, do you have to be so straightforward?

Yes, he had to. It took me only a second to understand why. He needed to be sure that if something like that happened again, it wouldn't be half-heartedly and regretfully, like it was last time. He needed to make sure that he wouldn't feel as if he was taking advantage of me; that I was no longer that little bird who trembled in the middle of the storm, something weak that needed shelter and comfort and protection; that I was with him as his equal, perhaps as one of the few people who could really know him, who could really understand him, and no, I wouldn't want it to be like last time either, I wouldn't want him to touch me as if I was some porcelain doll that could break, I wouldn't want him to restrain and hold back and just give me what I needed; no, that would be Sakura all over again, I didn't want to be for him what she was for me. Not ever.

Then, I realized something.

"I... I know what it's like." I muttered. "I know exactly how that feels, Eriol."

I would have wanted to look down, to look away, to look anywhere but him, so that he wouldn't see to what extent I understood what he meant, and how it had hurt me to be in such place, but I just couldn't remove my eyes from those gray, intent ones that stared at me. I wanted to look away but a part of me refused to, a stubborn part. So, I faced him.

"Do you?" he asked, surprised.

I nodded.

"Then... you must understand why I don't want that again, Tomoyo, for neither of us. It's just... cruel."

He was right; it would be a cruelty, for the both of us. He had to say all that to make sure I understood that he wanted me, completely and full-heartedly, and wouldn't take any less than that. That he would only be with me if I wanted him in the same way.

And yet, besides the awkwardness, besides the shock, something else had awaken inside me as I heard his words; as the things he said to me really sank in. I couldn't help but imagine how would it be, if I let him do any of those things he had refrained from doing last time, and my breathing quickened; I felt heat gathering in my chest and in my belly, and a throbbing feeling stirring between my legs; and I realized somewhat ashamed that there was wetness already there, and God, how could he have done this to me with just words?

Could he really have wanted me that much?

Sometimes unexpected things happened; but the most unexpected for me was to realize that I wanted, I wanted to do the things he said, I wanted to know that level of intimacy I'd never dreamed of before, I wanted to know those pleasures and feel those feelings. And that I wanted it with him; not anyone else, because he was the only one who had really seen me, even in my darkest, most pitiful hours, and still embraced it all; because he was the only one who had been able to look through my mask and understand so much and yet made me realize that I didn't need it; because he was the only one who had managed to, somehow, break through my defenses and get close enough to see my tears and to wipe them away with infinite tenderness, and make my chest feel warm under his gaze and my body ache for his caresses... Because there was only one person I could really be myself with, and it was Eriol Hiiragizawa.

Unexpected things: the shock that was to realize that I wanted it, that I wanted him, and that, for the first time ever, what I wanted was something I could have. Not in a dream, not in a fantasy; for real. It was right here, within grasp, and despite the pang of fear the thought gave me, I wanted to reach out and take it.

My heart was pounding forcefully in my chest and fire was burning my cheeks when the words, hesitant, almost inaudible, escaped my mouth and went to die against his hear.

"It won't be like that... I promise. Eriol, this isn't like last time. I'm not scared nor confused anymore. I know what I want now."

His eyes opened wide as he stared at me; static, almost disbelieving.

"I want to be with you." I continued, in a whisper. "And I want to do all those things you said. You don't need to hold back anymore."

A small smile formed in his lips, and his hands surrounded my face, which burned.

"Are you... sure of this?"

I nodded, slightly, not trusting my voice. His smile widened.

"You don't know... how good it is to hear that."

"I can make an idea." I said, smiling a bit shyly. "Kiss me, Eriol. Last time I couldn't tell you how much I needed it... but I can now. Don't you dare to stop kissing me."

He did as I asked. My cheeks were burning; but it was such a delight to feel his lips on mine, that it distracted me from thinking about what would be happening really soon; and that was kind of a good thing, because despite that I wanted it, the thought of it gave me a feeling of nervousness that started to grow by the second. He must have realized it, because his hands were running through my arms and my hair, gently, so very gently, as if he was trying to reassure me, and when he pulled away from the kiss, his eyes were looking at me seriously.

"Hey... we don't have to do anything right away, you know? If you're not..."

"I know. But I want to. Right away." I said, and I saw the smile reappearing on his face, barely for a second, before he pulled me for another kiss, this time a long, intoxicating one, and I let myself go; I was almost breathless when I felt his arms tightening around me and drawing me even closer to his body, my breasts pressing against his chest and my thighs fitting perfectly at each side of his hips, and his lips moving down my neck. An intense heat was gathering in my body, making me gasp and sigh; and once more, I found myself muttering against his ear.

"Touch me, Eriol."

I felt his lips forming a smile against my neck, and his hands started sliding through my back, moving down slowly and leaving a trace of trembling skin wherever they passed. I closed my eyes, surrendering to the feelings; his hands reached the small of my back and then kept going down, brushing against my buttocks over the fabric of my dress, and kept going down my legs; until they reached the end of the fabric, which wasn't too far away. Then, they ventured underneath it, and I suddenly felt their warmth on my thighs, moving up again, towards my bum, stroking and rubbing as his face buried in my neck and he whispered against my clavicle.

"Like this?"

I felt my skin quivering and my nipples hardening against his chest, and more sighs escaped from my lips. Yes, just like this. Yes, this was it; lips burning kisses on my skin like the most exotic caress, hands that wouldn't stop moving over my body, exploring under the fabric of my dress, sighs escaping and the touch of warm hands on my buttocks, rubbing my trembling skin and bringing it back to life, yes, this was; curious fingers dipping between my thighs, brushing only for a moment the secret place that hid behind the underwear, and the jolt of pleasure sprouting from between my legs and spreading through my body...

Magic, for God's sake. No one could ever say this man wasn't a mage, Clow reincarnation or not.

He kept kissing me, and the indiscreet hands reappeared from underneath my dress and moved up, fingers brushing slightly against my belly as they kept moving up, until they reached my breasts, and I shuddered when I felt their warm touch through the thin fabric. I remembered what had happened just yesterday, in his bathroom; how I had ran my hands over my body pretending they were his, and I let out a sigh.

"Like this?" I felt him murmur playfully against my ear, and yes, this was what I wanted, but it still wasn't enough; there was still too much fabric between us, and suddenly I wanted to get rid of it and feel his hands directly on my skin. He must have thought something similar, because as he continued to kiss me, his hands kept moving up until they reached the strips that held the dress to my shoulders, and I shuddered as I felt them move down my arms, taking the fabric down with them and I closed my eyes, my body trembling as it got more and more exposed. I felt the cold air against my breasts, but they were immediately covered by warm hands that caressed them gently, and I couldn't help but lay my head on his shoulder and gasp as his fingers started playing with my breasts, stroking them, rubbing them and pinching my nipples softly, and God, it was amazing, time seemed to disappear, to stop and the only thing that existed were his hands on me, his mouth leaving a trail of wet kisses on my neck, and that tingling that ran through my skin and that gathered between my legs...

With my cheeks flushed, I saw his face descending on my breasts and suddenly a warm, wet touch that made me gasp and quiver; a kiss, and then another, and another; I felt his tongue brushing against my nipples, warm lips surrounding them, a gentle suction, and I went completely and absolutely wild. The feeling was so overwhelming that I couldn't help but moan loudly as his mouth savored me like there wasn't anything more exquisite, and my hands tangled into his hair by themselves, holding his head against my chest, and I never wanted it to end, there was nothing better than this, or so I thought...

I didn't know how wrong I was.

A bit disappointed, I felt his lips leaving my breasts and kissing up the trembling path of my chest again, until they caught mine, as his hands moved down my back in a light, feather-like caress; so I just sighed as they moved lower and lower, until the fingers found the small zipper there, the last and only thing that still held the dress against my body.

"Is it okay if...?" he started whispering against my ear, and I merely nodded, sighing in a mixture of shyness and excitement when I heard the zipper opening; but the hands continued their descent through my legs, until they reached the border of the dress, they slid underneath it again but this time when they moved up they took the fabric with them, and I felt myself blushing all over as more and more of my skin was exposed, until the dress passed over my shoulders and was discarded, thrown to the floor and forgotten, a small bundle of cloth that meant nothing anymore.

His eyes descended over my body with a dark and hungry look, and suddenly a great shyness overwhelmed me. The fire was burning my cheeks, but then he leaned over me and I heard him whisper in my ear.

"I'm sorry… you looked really pretty in that thing… but this is so much better. You're like a piece of art."

I felt myself blushing, but this time it wasn't due to shyness. His words radiated heat to my entire body, and I raised my eyes, just to meet his deep and bright ones, and they looked at me as if I really was a work of art, and it was impossible to resist that look. He kissed me again, and I let myself fall into the kiss; his arms wrapped around me and pulled me closer to him and I felt his warm, bare chest against mine, and it was such a delightful feeling, that I was unable to hold back the blissful sigh that escaped from me. Suddenly I needed more of that contact, more of his skin on mine, and not thinking about what I was doing, I slid my hands underneath his open shirt, and pulled until it fell down his shoulders and soon it was as discarded and forgotten as my dress. I touched his bare arms, I ran my hands through his chest, his back, marveling at how smooth his skin was, marveling at how nice it felt to just run my hands through it, and to feel his running through mine.

In that mist of raging kisses and touches we fell down on the bed, among the messy sheets, until I was lying on the soft mattress and he, supporting himself a just a few inches above me, descended over my breasts again, and soon the air was filled with my quivering gasps. It was unbelievable what his mouth did to me, an inexplicable and exquisite torture, and I gave in to it; it was as if my head was sinking into feathers, and my body didn't weight at all; all I felt was the warmth of his mouth that seemed to overtake everything else, and the more and more intense tingling that his touch awakened in my skin, and my breath that came out in strangled gasps. I could have stayed like that forever; and I felt a great disappointment when his lips finally left my breasts, leaving my hard, wet nipples exposed to the cold air, and God, why did he torture me like this? Then I realized that his mouth had started to move down, leaving a trail of hot kisses on my ribs and my belly. Lower, and lower yet; his tongue dipped for a moment into my bellybutton, and I shuddered when I noticed it kept moving downwards, slowly but relentlessly, until it reached the border of my panties, the last piece of clothing that I was still wearing.

"What are you...?"

"I want to try something." he said, playfully. "You tell me if it's not your thing."

An intense quiver ran through me as I felt the playful kisses along the thin edge of the fabric, moving down my hip, and I watched him half-terrified, with my skin burning like fire and my heart beating faster than ever; but I couldn't stop him because for some reason, to see him there, his head between my legs, aroused me in a way I just couldn't control; and I knew I didn't want him to stop. I realized I was clutching the sheets in two tight fists; he stopped for a second to look up at me, showing me a somewhat malicious grin, and then he moved even lower, and suddenly I felt a wet kiss in the tremulous skin of my thigh.

Against my will, I felt a soft moan escaping from me; a sound that could had been a plea or a curse. He was teasing me, I knew it, yet I didn't want him to stop; his mouth moved down my thigh leaving a trail of hot kisses, and then up again, so very slowly; and yes, it was a game, but such a tantalizing game, I didn't understand how I could enjoy it so much and yet it could make me so desperate at the same time; it was a terrible torture to see, to feel his lips nipping and playing over the increasingly tremulous and sensitive skin of my thigh, inching closer and closer to the place that was the center of my cravings, it was almost shameful to realize how much I wanted him to get there; my breathing was getting more and more labored as I felt his tongue leaving a wet line in the exact border of the fabric, and the heat between my legs became almost unbearable, and I didn't care about anything else anymore; I was going crazy, there was nothing I had ever needed with such urgency, with such desperation as what I needed then.

"E-eriol..." I muttered, my voice sounding like a whimpering plea, that turned into a gasp when I felt a warm puff of breath through the fabric.

"Yes, Tomoyo?" he said, looking at me again with that smug grin still on his face, and God, I wanted to smack him for playing with me like this; it was unexplainable what he was doing to me, what he was turning me into; there was no more shyness nor nervousness anymore, just crude need and anticipation; and then, I finally felt the warm, wet touch of his lips were I needed it the most, and God! God, it wasn't like anything I had experienced before; nothing had prepared me for this, and I couldn't refrain the strangled moan that escaped from my mouth when I felt his placing soft, playful kisses there. Something inside me convulsed, I was shaking all over and I couldn't feel anything but his lips and his tongue, pressing, playing against the thin fabric, breathing in it and moistening it and warming it and giving me just a taste of what bliss could be like, and soon I felt the fabric grow even wetter than before, and soon I felt I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Stop... playing." I gasped. He smiled, looking almost perversely pleased that I was practically begging him, but I couldn't care less; all I felt was relief when his hands finally pushed down my underwear, releasing me from the last piece of clothing I had, and left me wearing nothing but the intense flush of my skin. A loud moan escaped from my throat when finally, I felt his lips and tongue against my trembling, aching skin. His mouth was so hot and so wet and so amazing it was overwhelming; intense quivers and tremors ran through my body as he kissed me and licked me and I lost track of everything; my head buried into the mattress and my hands into his hair by their own accord, holding on to it as if it was the only thing that could prevent me from sinking, while gasps and moans escaped from my mouth unstoppably.

I could never have imagined that anything would feel like this; his mouth on me was a paradise I had never even dreamed of, and with every minute, with every touch something inexplicable was growing inside me, something that was like molten lava flowing through my veins and it just grew bigger and bigger. I abandoned myself to it, to the feelings, and in the mist of pleasure I looked down at him and I saw his face between my legs, the dark locks of hair falling over his forehead and tickling me, his hands grasping my hips and my thighs and for the life of me, it was the most erotic thing I'd ever seen in my entire life. He kept at it until my moans grew louder and my urgency way too obvious; and then he finally stopped being playful, his mouth growing eager, hungry against me, as if he was really eating me up and I was his favorite dish, and I was lost under the assault of his mouth, I could just whimper and squirm and through a fog I realized that my breath was coming out in raging gasps, and my back was arching by its own will, and I couldn't think about anything anymore; it was as if I was drowning in a deep, bottomless ocean, I was drowning in an unutterable pleasure that just grew and grew, and God, how could anything be any better than this? I never wanted it to end, yet at the same time I felt I would die if it lasted much longer. I had to make a conscious effort to not grab his head and just push it against me, something was tightening in my belly and suddenly I couldn't even look at him anymore; because his tongue ventured inside me and did wonders I never imagined possible and I lost it completely; I wanted to form words, I wanted to say don't stop, oh for God's sake don't you dare to stop, but the only thing that escaped from my throat were incoherent sounds and moans and I felt my body shaking violently, a volcano of feelings bursting inside me and there was no way to stop it, and I let myself be dragged by it; my hands digging into his scalp while his tried to hold me down in place and everything vanished around me.

And the volcano exploded, and only when the explosion had ended, he stopped.

For some seconds I just laid there, unmoving and confused, like floating into an odd limbo. I still couldn't believe what had just happened, what he had done to me with his lips and his tongue and how quickly my body had reacted. My heart and my breathing seemed to be running a wild race, but other than that my body laid limp and fainted on the bed, as if all the energies had been drained from it...

I felt him move up, until his face was above mine again; and I opened my eyes, still misted by a pleasure that hadn't faded out completely, and I found his gaze, dark and sparkling and full of something undefinable that could had been a mix of contentment, pride, desire and something else, something I couldn't quite place but that reminded me of tenderness or...

I was having trouble breathing; my lips showed a faint smile as I reached up and softly caressed the side of his face.

"What you just did... God."

"I take it it was your thing, then?" he said, and there was a spark of amusement in the corner of his eye.

"Idiot." I chuckled. "Did I pull your hair too hard?"

He smiled back at me.

"Yeah... but it was worth it."

Although it could seem ridiculous or even physically impossible at that point; I felt myself blushing. I drew his face to mine and kissed him; his mouth had an odd taste to it, a taste that I suddenly realized, was mine. His lips pressed against mine and I noticed a certain tension in them, a barely restrained eagerness that reminded me that this wasn't over yet, that there were still many things to do, to experience...

Even though I still felt a little spent, I wrapped my arms around him, drawing him to me; he finally collapsed on top of me and it was such a delight to feel his weight on me and his bare skin against mine, that for a moment I let myself get lost in those feelings, and the warmth of his body. But then I felt something hard pressing between my legs again, in that same spot where the sensations hadn't completely fade out yet; and to my surprise I felt them arise again, awakened by that touch. A tremor ran through my body, and I let out a gasp against his ear when I felt his hands sizing my hips and his body moving gently against mine, drawing me closer and pressing himself into me, and a bolt of electricity was shot through my legs and my belly, and I couldn't understand how could everything reemerge so quickly, if I was just coming out of that limbo of bliss; but in some inexplicable way that's how it was, and I felt myself gasp again and my arms tightening around his body and my face burying into his neck.

I was captivated by the feeling of his skin against mine; how could I have lived for so long without this? How would I be able to live without it from now on? And yet there was still something missing, it still wasn't enough, I realized as my thighs brushed against the fabric of his pants that suddenly seemed rough and uncomfortable and, no, this wasn't right, that fabric between us was no longer acceptable; an absurd barrier, the last that needed to be removed, and as I kissed him my hands moved down by their own accord, trying to get it out of the way, and his hands came to help with the task, and soon all the fabric was gone and it was only the two of us, and the heat of our bodies. It scared me a bit when I felt against my thigh that part of him that was supposed to fit inside me, because for the life of me, I couldn't imagine how that would be even possible; but I didn't have much time to ponder about it because soon enough I felt his lips on mine again, and the heat of his body enclosing me and that part of him pressing against my tremulous spot, and all I could do to refrain the shudder that ran through me was to dig my fingers into his back and close my eyes tightly, and suddenly there was nothing else besides that hardened flesh brushing against my very tender skin, rubbing against the exact center of my body and I was all out of words. Some kind of wild eagerness took over me then, and in an impulse I bit his neck, quite hard actually; and this time it was him the one that gasped and moaned. My heart was dashing like a runaway horse when his lips caught mine again and he started devouring me in a frenzy, and I forgot everything else; the only things I could feel were his mouth against mine, his tongue searching for mine and finding it; his body pressing down on me and that hardness rubbing against my weak spot as he drank the moans that came out of my lips with every movement. It was a new Eriol this one that held me like this and touched me and kissed me like this; one I've never met before and who was so different from the ghost-like one that had comforted me that night of the bar that seemed light-years away now; this Eriol that was no longer a solicit friend, but a lover; one who was giving but who was also willing to take for himself, who touched my body as if he knew it and letting me feel his desire in every kiss, in every touch. And I was finally getting to know him, and I wasn't either the same Tomoyo that hesitantly let herself be touched by him that night; because the things I was feeling now I hadn't felt back then, I hadn't felt them ever before tonight; the raw need that was growing inside me, the desperate urge to pull him against me and feel every inch of his body on mine, to somehow deepen this embrace; the need to feel him plunge in me and make me his, and make him mine. It was all a sweet torture; I was being drowned in pleasure but at the same time there was something inside me that craved for more; for something I didn't want to wait for anymore, and I found myself whispering to him between gasps.

"Eriol... please…"

"Yes." his voice sounded husky and aching, but his breath was sweet against my face. "Now?"

Just fuck me already was the one thought that crossed my mind, but I refrained from saying it out loud, because it was so coarse and unlike me it would probable make him burst into laugher, and that would kinda ruin the mood, wouldn't it? So instead I nodded, not trusting my voice. He stopped moving then, and I felt him pressing against my very moist entrance, so hard and tense... I closed my eyes tightly, burying my face into his shoulder and breathing in deeply, trying to relax myself and ease down the crazy pounding of my heart.

"No..." I heard him whisper against my hair. "Not like the other time. Open your eyes. Look at me."

So, I opened them, and I met his; his pupils were dilated with need and desire, but I also saw something else; a special and inexplicable glow that pierced through mine and into my soul and trapped it in an inexorable claw; a glow that spoke of abyssal depths, of loneliness and sadness and an ache for love, and that had been in every one of those portraits that hanged in his hallway and in the eye from my dream and in Sakura's eyes as she spoke about her love who was miles and miles away; and also in my eyes, in the reflection of my own surprised, hopeful eyes when I looked at myself in the mirror that same night, dreaming that he would like me, just a few hours ago. And now that glow was in his eyes, as he looked at me, and it was as if I could see through his eyes when he stared at me like that, I saw myself with his eyes and I saw myself shining in his arms like the most exotic gem, his body at the verge of my body and suddenly that verge was trespassed and it was no more, there was no more border that separated us, and I could feel him in a way I had never felt anyone before, and I couldn't believe the pleasure of it; a pleasure that was unlike any others I ever felt or imagined before, and it grew and grew inside me with every second, and I wanted to feel more and more of it, but it wasn't possible; it seemed as if some limit had been reached, and suddenly there was a bit of pain mixing with the pleasure. I let out a small whimper as he pressed a bit more and the pain became more distinct and acute; I closed my eyes and hid my face into his shoulder, and God, why did pleasure always have to be paid with pain?

Then I realized he wasn't pushing anymore and was still; and suddenly I felt his hands on my hair, stroking it tenderly, and I heard his raspy voice, whispering against my ear.

"I'm sorry; I didn't want to cause you any pain. Should I stop?"

I opened my eyes again, and met his. They looked a bit worried... but the glow was still there.

"No... don't." I muttered, although my nails were still digging like claws into his back and my body remained impossibly tense. "I'm okay."

He smiled faintly.

"It'll get better soon, I promise. Tomoyo, try to relax. Stay here. Don't watch from the outside."

God, he was right. This moment was mine, it belonged to me and it was unique; I would never live it again, and I already knew damn well that the sweetest things in life sometimes hurt a little. Little by little, I allowed my body to relax, to loosen a bit of its tension, and I stopped scraping his back with my nails. Not thinking about what I was doing, I drew his face to mine and kissed him; he kissed me back as his arms tightened around my body and he started moving very slowly inside me while I tried to just be there, breathing and holding him against me and feeling his warmth and his kisses and trying to not think about anything else; and he was right, it eventually started getting better, the pain was slowly subsiding while all the other feelings started to become more vivid and intense, from the furious pounding of his heart I could clearly feel against my chest, to the erratic, agitated rhythm of his breathing, and the tension that could be felt in all his muscles. But especially the way he filled me, and how I could feel him inside me; how I felt even the slightest of his movements. It was the strangest feeling ever, but it wasn't unpleasant at all, in fact, it felt kind of good; it was starting to feel better and better with every moment that passed, and before too long I found myself moving against him just a little, experimentally; the pain had receded quite a lot and it seemed to be melting into a strange pleasure, and felt as if I was being overcame by sweetness, a sweetness that mixed with the pleasure, and I started moving with him, slowly, unconsciously following the rhythm of his body. He took it very slow, and at first not very deep; and I could feel the pain fading away with each movement, as new and inexplicable feelings started to take over. Every time I felt him plunge in me, something inside me quivered; and I gasped against his face helplessly, arching my back and pressing my breasts into his chest, and the tingling grew more and more intense, and I wanted him to stay inside forever; but I also liked it when he withdrew, it was like a tide, and each time he came back it was a little bit more and those feelings bashed over me again like sea waves hitting the shoreline, shaking me more and more strongly; and I was drowning in that sweetness, holding on to him as if he was the only thing that could keep me afloat.

His hands were holding my face and I looked up; his forehead was almost on mine and his half-open eyes were so close, that I couldn't detach mine from them anymore; watching like in a trance the growing pleasure they showed as he moved into me, and that glow, that amazing glow that was still there and that spoke to me and pierced through me and captured me.

This is what making love feels like, I thought, and I felt myself blushing in a very stupid way, because until yesterday I had never thought I would ever know this, not in any form, not with anyone. It was more amazing and delightful than I could have imagined; and I let myself be carried away by the sensations. There was nothing else, nothing mattered anymore; just his body finding its home within mine, and the quivers that passed through me, and his hands that never stopped touching me, and it was intoxicating; like drinking little by little that sweet and delicious wine and feel its warmth slowly spreading through my body, feel that pleasant giddiness, and how little by little my arms and legs stopped responding to me and my body felt lighter and lighter, like floating in a different reality.

It felt amazing, but I realized it still wasn't enough. He was still holding back, still keeping it gentle and controlled as if he was afraid to hurt me, and suddenly I realized I couldn't have that anymore. I needed to show him that I wasn't delicate, that he didn't need to be so careful, that I could handle so much more and that I wanted it so much, that I wanted him to let go too... but, how? I felt as if something hot and wild, like liquid fire was growing inside my belly and spreading through my veins with every minute that passed, with every movement he made, and suddenly, like possessed by some kind of primal instinct, I pushed him back and made us both roll over, until he was the one lying on his back and I was the one on top. He stared at me with wide-open, somewhat surprised eyes; but before I could even give him time to think, I positioned myself on him again and pushed down on his length. The suddenness of it made the feelings increase violently, leaving me on the verge of pain again; but I saw his eyes be eclipsed by utter delight as I did this, and to see that was just... priceless. I took a moment before I started moving, breathing heavily into his face and giving myself time to adjust to the new feelings; in this position I could feel him deeper and more intensely, and it could easily become a little overwhelming. But then I moved, and it was also mind-blowing empowering to be the one controlling the movements now, that I couldn't resist the urge to try things, to experiment, to see what felt better, and soon I found a rhythm I liked and that was far from than controlled gentleness of before. I felt him groan and quiver underneath me as I moved; his hands reached for my hips then and seized them somewhat roughly, urging me to move faster, and I realized he was starting to lose that cautiousness of before, I was beginning to break his control; and it was an incredible turn on, to know I could do this to him, and yes, this is what I wanted; I want to know this part of you as well, Eriol, I want to know everything there is, I'm not scared, see? I'm not fragile.

I couldn't stop looking at him, taking everything in: how his eyes were fixed on me, on my body as he watched me move, how hungry his lips were against mine every time I went down for a kiss, how his hands fondled my breasts for a moment, and then tightened on my hips again when I started moving a bit more forcefully, and how he gasped and quivered every time he went deeper inside me; and even if it still hurt a little when I did this it was worth it just to see him like this; so beautiful and with his skin so flushed and so lost within my flesh it made me shudder all over, and something incredible was overcoming me little by little, something that was even more than the throbbing pleasure that I felt between my legs and the heat that burned my chest and the tremors that ran through my skin, something that was all those things combined together but also went beyond them, something that was everything and that made my heart give a jump; because I had realized, in a very lucid instant, that in this moment he belonged to me completely.

Mine, mine, mine, it was intoxicating, I couldn't stop thinking it, feeling it; he was mine like no one else has ever been, and I was his as well, we belonged to each other, even if only for a moment; and even if the cold and the loneliness came back later again, it wouldn't matter, because I'd known this, I'd had this; and no one and nothing could ever take this away from me. Something clenched inside my chest, but I couldn't pay much attention to it because he suddenly sat up and kissed me almost roughly as his hands wrapped around my back and he started moving underneath me, rubbing my insides so deep it made me cry out and forget about everything else; pleasure shaking my body, moans escaping from my mouth and dying against his... I tried to keep up, meeting his thrusts and increasing the rhythm just a little, and I saw him close his eyes shut and moan and press his head against my shoulder. I realized then what I had to do to take us both to ecstasy, but I wanted to delay it, I wanted to keep savoring this for as long as I could; it was all too amazing and breathtaking to let it end. But soon enough even the smallest of movements became a bit too much; that fire that had slowly built inside me was now burning me, and I just wanted to let it burn and consume everything...

In the haze I was in, I noticed he pulled me against him and started moving me in a way that was way past gentleness; it was raw and intense, but all I could feel was a raging pleasure that grew stronger and deeper with every thrust, and my nails were digging into his back again and I was just clinging to him and letting out strangled moans against his neck, his shoulder; I was close, so close to that ecstasy I didn't want to delay anymore… I wanted it, I wanted to reach it right here, in his arms; and suddenly he hit some place inside me that I didn't even know existed, and God, I was there. Pleasure exploded within me, spreading through my arms and legs; every thrust after that was just bliss, and all I could do was just to hold on to him and moan as the feelings shook me and my body convulsed around him, and soon I felt his fingers digging into my hips and his body shaking and trembling too; and suddenly so many things were happening at once that I lost track of all of them, just waves of pleasure breaking through me and his mouth suffocating a moan against my shoulder and his arms clinging to me and moans and quivers and gasps, and a new warmth filling me inside and ragged breaths and a flash of raptured eyes and bliss, a bliss so deep it didn't know words and it was just being there, right there and right now, feeling all those things.

And then... peace. Suddenly, an unbelievable peace.

We stayed like that for a moment, leaning against each other; eyes closed, breaths heavy and labored. Little by little I started feeling that his arms loosened a bit the death-grip they had around my body; one of his hands moved to my hair and started stroking it softly, and I opened my eyes. His were two dark pools, but still had that glow and I just stayed there, watching them in silence. He was breathing with difficulty, but I saw a faint smile forming in his lips; and it was a beautiful smile, a smile of contentment, of happiness, and I couldn't refrain my desire to kiss it; a soft and short kiss. I had problems catching my breath too.

Exhausted, we fell back into the mattress. I rested against him for a moment, and it was weird when I finally felt him withdrew from me, leaving me with a strange feeling of emptiness between my legs. But then he hugged me and pulled a bed sheet on us; and as I laid against his chest I felt how his body relaxed little by little, I started to relax as well. His arms were still around me, his hand kept stroking my hair; I could feel the steady rhythm of his heart against my face and his warmth, and only then I noticed the sound of the rain that -still!- kept falling; and suddenly everything was so soft and placid and nice that for a moment I thought I would fall asleep. But then, I heard his voice against my hair, sounding between sleepy and amused.

"Well... I have to say it... I'm in a bit of a shock. You're way more aggressive than I thought you would be."

A chuckle escaped from my mouth, but I couldn't help but blush a little when I suddenly recalled my... impulsiveness.

"Am I?"

"Yes... it's not a bad thing, or anything. Just... unexpected."

I moved up a little, just enough to inspect the red mark my teeth had left on the side of his neck. It would most likely show a vivid purple color tomorrow; and to see it for some reason gave some kind of perverse satisfaction. It was mine, I left something in his body, a tangible memento of that night, something that would make him remember me every time he sees it; even if it would only last a couple of days. I was also sure that his back was overflowing with red half-moon marks from my nails.

"I'm sorry." I said, tracing with my fingers the mark on his neck and looking at him with apologetic eyes.

"You lying little minx." he said teasingly, as his grin widened. "You're not sorry at all. Not the tiniest bit."

I kissed him then, biting a little on his lips and perhaps a bit roughly, just to shut him up and erase that self-satisfied grin from his face. He just chuckled. Then, I laid down against his body again, when suddenly, I became aware of other… things... that I should have really thought about before. Way before.

"Eriol..." I muttered, looking up at him and feeling my face go pale. "I just realized... We didn't use any... you know... protection."

Strangely enough, he started chuckling. I stared at him, eyes wide-open and perplexed.

"What?"

"Don't worry. Being the most powerful wizard alive has a few benefits, you know?"

I looked at him even more perplexed than before.

"Like what?"

"Like, I can't catch nor carry any diseases... and I won't father a child unless I want to. You can rest assured, dear; it's still a bit early to think about children."

For a moment I didn't know if I should laugh or hit him. Finally, I went for both; and I gave him a little smack on the shoulder, trying to look indignant while I chuckled nervously.

"Well, that's... convenient. But you could have said something before, couldn't you?"

"I know... I forgot." he said, laughing. "But for me it's normal, I knew there was no risk; you, instead, had no way of knowing this, yet you forgot about it too. Now, who's the irresponsible one?"

I smacked him on the shoulder again, feeling my cheeks turn tomato red.

"Idiot. It's not as if I was expecting to have sex with a guy, you know? Thinking about contraception... wasn't even in my horizon."

He just laughed.

"Well, don't worry about it. Unless you're planning to have sex with some other guy, in which case-"

I looked at him, perhaps a bit maliciously.

"Well, maybe... who knows? You've opened a new world of possibilities here..."

He gave me a dirty look.

"You're so mean. I feel cheap and used now. Where's that old, sweet and gentle Tomoyo when I need her?"

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Hey, you said you wanted to know the real me... didn't you?" I said, amused. "If you preferred sweet and gentle, you should have stuck with my old-"

"But, I can't choose one or the other... can I? Since both are one and the same... well, maybe a bit less sweet and gentle now." he said, chuckling. "But this new Tomoyo I've discovered... I think complements the old one beautifully. Makes her feel more... human. More alive. I like her... a lot."

I blushed, smiling somewhat shyly, suddenly unable to say anything. He smiled, and then he grabbed my face and pulled me closer, until I felt his lips brushing mine. He kissed me with a sweetness I wouldn't have thought possible, as he stroke the side of my face and held me closer to him, and I surrendered to the kiss, letting myself be carried away and falling into the kiss, and it was as if I was floating, weightless; I tasted everything that was in that kiss and it was too much to express it with words; it tasted like warmth, like acceptance, like desire, like complicity, like tenderness, like so many things that my heart was overflown and couldn't take them all in, and it felt as if it was about to burst. Once more, I felt something clenching in my chest; I felt a tear forming in the corner of my eye, and I just let it fall.

The kiss lasted a while, and when it was over, I let myself fall back into his chest. I stayed there for a while, dozing with my eyes closed as his hand moved lazily up and down my back. A back that, I noticed, was still wet from sweat. Like his chest was. And now that I thought about it, those were least yucky parts of our bodies right now.

Making love was a pleasurable thing, it could even be a sublime thing, but it was undoubtedly a messy affair. But then again... didn't he said it, just one night ago? Getting dirty is a part of life, you can't stay forever clean. That's delusional... and also really boring.

I smiled.

"Eriol…"

"Mmm?" he uttered with his eyes closed.

"We're gross."

I felt his laughter reverberate against my face.

"Yeah, I guess you're right… Do you want to take a shower before going to sleep?"

"Mmm… yes, I think so."

He sat up, sleepily, and since I was no longer lying against his warm body, the air around me suddenly seemed very cold. He rubbed his eyes, smiling, and then offered me his hand.

"Let's go, then."

I looked at him a bit startled.

"Together?"

"Well, yeah. Why... are you shy? And now you remember to tell me this?"

Against my will, I had to laugh. Blushing a bit, I took the hand he offered me, and a moment later we were out of the bed, standing naked in the middle of the room. But if I still had any leftover shyness, it was completely gone when he drew me against his body and kissed me with a passion that made my legs falter again.

…

The shower was… interesting. The water fell hot on my hair, on my skin, relaxing my body and bringing it back to life. He wanted to wash me, and I let him, closing my eyes and feeling in delight the touch of his hands and his wet, slippery skin against mine, and the warm water that slid between us as he leaned against me and ran a soapy sponge thoroughly over my body. He left the spot between my legs for last, and once he got there, he dedicated to it with special care and attention, rubbing that soft sponge meticulously against it; and it wasn't until I was undoubtedly and completely clean that I realized I wanted to get dirty again. I pressed myself against him, running my hands down his body, and found him very willing.

What followed were just splashing sounds and sighs, half-choked kisses, my back pressing against the cold tiles of the shower, and the passion disarming me again; his body pushing against mine, and my nails leaving new marks on his back, as moans filled the bathroom.

…

The water fell cold already when we finally left the shower, shivering, with goosebumps in our skin but with sparkling eyes and idiotic smiles in our faces. He put on a dark blue bathrobe, and wrapped me into another one just like it, that was a little big for me. Then he drew me against him and wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me again like he did in the bed; a long, sweet kiss that made my head spin. I stood like that for a while, happily snuggling against his body, breathing into the soapy scent of his skin, feeling the drops of water slide down my ankles and fall into the bath mat on which we were standing. Later, when I remembered this night, this would be, strangely, the first thing that would come to my mind: the two of us standing there, wearing thick bathrobes, holding each other in silence amongst misted bath tiles and shelves with towels and shampoos and shaving creams.

…

Once we were in the bedroom again, I went to pick up my dress and my underwear, that were lying on the floor. But as soon as I tried to put them on, I felt his hand on my arm.

"What are you doing?" he said, staring at me questioningly. "I thought you were staying here?"

"I... I don't know... should I?" I muttered, confused. I really didn't know what else to expect from this night.

"And what do you think?" he said, looking a bit surprised. "Did I at some point give you the impression that I don't want you here?"

I blushed, and shook my head no. He came closer.

"And you... do you want to stay?"

I blushed even more... but nodded.

"Then, stop being weird." he said, smiling, and then he grabbed the clothes from my hand and tossed them to a chair. "Now, these don't look too comfortable to sleep in. I could lend you a t-shirt, if you want... although, I'd much rather that you don't." he said, getting closer and kissing me, as he did this he started undoing the knot of my robe until he opened it completely, passed it behind my shoulders, and the whole heavy thing fell to the floor, noiselessly. Then, getting rid of his own robe in the same way, he drew me against his naked skin, and murmured in my ear. "I'd rather feel this against my body while I sleep... and find you like this when I wake up. But it's up to you. Whatever you're more comfortable with."

A great heat flooded my chest and my face as I heard him, and I hesitated for a moment, not really sure of what I wanted; but as I ran my hands up his arms, his chest, I realized the warmth of his skin against mine felt so freaking nice, that I wasn't ready to say goodbye to it just yet.

"This... is fine." I said against his neck, still a little bit flushed. "I think I'll pass on the t-shirt."

He just smiled.

We got into the bed then, and covered ourselves with thick blankets, now that the fire in the fireplace was almost faded out and the night was becoming colder. He wrapped his arms around me, and finally, he reached out and turned off the last light that was still on; it was the lamp, that lamp on his nightstand that he had turned on the night before when he found me lying on his bed, tense, shivering with cold and dying to get closer but not daring to, full of shame and regrets; and once more I found myself surrounded by darkness, but this darkness was so different from that other one, it was a darkness so rich and so warm, that I couldn't help but smile as I snuggled in his arms; I couldn't quite believe that that suffering, fearful creature had really been me, that I could have existed in any other way than how I was now. That I could have smiled for so long without feeling it, forcing myself to do it, while now I could barely stop myself from doing it.

I was starting to fall asleep, lulled by the sound of the rain falling, the fingers that stroked my hair more and more slowly each time, and the peaceful beating of his heart against my body, when, in a fog, I heard his drowsy voice muttering to me.

"Tomoyo… what were you doing outside my house yesterday… right before the storm burst out?"

With difficulty, I opened my eyes for a moment, my lids were heavy but even so I looked up and stared at him. I couldn't see much, almost nothing at all, but in the almost complete darkness I guessed the shape of his face and I knew he was looking at me, and I could feel, more than see, that glow in his dark eyes.

"I… honestly don't know." I whispered. "But I'm so glad it happened. This storm… has saved my life."

And as I said the words, I realized they were the pure truth. Although I couldn't see him, I knew he was smiling; I felt a soft kiss on my forehead, and I closed my eyes. Finally, I could rest. And with any luck, when I woke up tomorrow, all this wouldn't have been a dream.

…

---

Author's Notes

Well, finally, the smutty chapter is done! God, you wouldn't believe how hard this was. I had set my mind on writing at least one chapter consisting almost entirely of sex; because I wanted to know if I could do it, and also... well, I like smut, sue me! But I can't even begin to tell you what a challenge this was. It's very difficult to write this kind of scenes, especially if you want to make them hot and somewhat graphic but not in-your-face porn, romantic but not cheesy, and (if possible) avoid falling into too many clichés. It's really hard, and I have serious doubts about if I accomplished what I wanted, but well, I tried. Please, be nice!

Anyway, there's only one chapter left, and I promise you it will be good, and perhaps a bit… unexpected. I'll try to upload it as soon as possible; yes, I know I always say this and then take a month to comply (this time, anyway, I have a very good reason… I had surgery in the middle!). In the meantime, as always, I invite you to leave me your comments, feedback, etcetera!

See you!