This was originally a By Night chapter I adapted and expanded to better fit into the flow of the main story.

She wishes it comes as a surprise when she wakes up in a cold sweat but the only difference between this and most of her nights is that she doesn't remember the details of the nightmare, only its ending. A flash of light glimpsed through a ship window; just enough to let Ashara Shepard know which of the horrors from her past she'd been dreaming of.

Gasping, she looks across the bed at the beautiful asari lying next to her and as she breathes in her lover's clean, warm scent, the Spectre's body starts to settle down. With a silent smile, the commander brushes her fingers lightly over the side of Liara's crest. Her bondmate doesn't wake at the contact, but she does turn slightly, leaning closer and purring.

Shepard kisses her bondmate gently on the forehead before rising from what is now their bed. As wonderful as it's been to spent every night by Liara's side, the asari's presence hasn't been enough to banish the memories of a war Ashara can still hardly believe is over. Still, the fact that she's not sleeping well is no reason for Liara to have to wake up in the middle of the night along with her. Not tonight anyway.

Her body is pretty much back to normal. It's been two weeks since she left the hospital, and five days since she was declared fit for active duty, and only small aches remain to remind the Spectre of yet another brush with death. If only her brain was the same… Shepard runs her hands over her face, trying to banish the residue of sleep along with the pain. She wishes she could be more together for Liara. The asari has her own share of regret and loss to deal with, and the commander should be focused on helping her instead of wrestling with her dreams night after night.

At least for right now, she doesn't feel like taking back up the fight and so she dresses quietly, careful not to wake her beloved as she slips into a pair of slacks and her N-7 sweatshirt and heads to the elevator. A shower can wait until the morning; right now, she needs to stretch her legs and hopefully clear her brain.

Even though she's not on duty, the Spectre keeps her habit of heading to the command deck first, and when she arrives, Samantha's already there, still thumbing through the comm traffic despite the late hour. Most of the relays are back on line by now, bringing with them a never-ending series of requests for help cleaning up the misery the Reapers left behind. The Normandy is off to Palaven at the moment, delivering a load of medical supplies, but no matter their efforts, there's not nearly enough time or enough resources to fix all of it, not now, and not for a long time to come.

Sam's clearly feeling the burden too, her fatigue evident in the weary smile she gives Shepard. "I didn't expect to see you down here, Commander," she says. "I thought you weren't on duty until this afternoon."

"I'm not." She hopes she doesn't look as tired as she feels, though she suspects that's wishful thinking. "I just thought I'd check in and see how everyone's doing."

"It's all quiet down here, ma'am. Even Joker's asleep in his chair. I just got a report from Dekuuna, though. They're short on food and there've been fresh outbreaks of disease in the refugee camps. They were hoping you could do something for them."

Ashara sighs. The Normandy had helped to evacuate some of the elcor from the path of the Reaper invasion, but the ones left behind suffered greatly. "I'll see what I can come up with."

Maybe she can get Hackett to spare some ships to help them. It feels better to be dispatching relief supplies than deploying troops, but it's still wearying. For the hundredth time, she curses the Catalyst. How in God's name did that thing think that this tidal wave of blood was the solution to anything? And if she had taken one of the other choices it offered, would it have changed anything? Would synthesized life-forms be suffering the same way? Would they even feel pain?

"What're you going to do when this is over, Sam?", the commander asks, trying to get her mind away from questions she'll never be able to answer. "When the state of emergency ends and the Alliance starts letting people muster out, are you going to stick around?"

"I don't think so." Sam looks slightly ashamed of her admission and before Shepard can reassure her, the specialist tries to explain. "I mean, being a part of this crew has been the most incredible thing I've ever done in my life but I'm no soldier. I joined the Alliance because they paid for my education. I expected to spend my time in a lab, not on the bridge of a warship."

"Well, you did a hell of a job, Sam, even if it wasn't what you signed up for. If not the Alliance, then what's next for the best comm specialist in the fleet?"

Samantha beams at the compliment. "The private sector, or at least what's left of it, probably. A nice, safe job putting my degree to use in a way that doesn't involve getting shot at seems like just what the doctor ordered."

Shepard pats the specialist on the back. "You've earned the break. No need to feel guilty about taking it. Besides, you're not going to be the only one leaving. It isn't public knowledge yet, but Liara and I are going to try and find someplace quiet to settle down when we things settle down."

"Thank you, Ma'am," she replies. "It's good to know that I'm not the only one who's had enough war to last her a lifetime."

"No," Ashara thinks to herself as she makes her way back to the lift, "You definitely aren't."

Down in the gun battery, the commander is unsurprised to find Garrus awake as well. "Calibrating?", she asks with a laugh.

"Hey, you never know," the turian offers. "The Crucible might've missed a Reaper or two and it never hurts to be prepared." He pauses for a moment and when Ashara gives him a skeptical look, he changes his tune. "All right, it's probably unnecessary, but this helps me to clear my head."

The commander raises an eyebrow suggestively. "What's distracting you? Thoughts of a certain quarian, perhaps?"

Garrus shakes his head. "Sadly, we've barely had time for much of that kind of distraction. Between the repairs to the Normandy and you coming back to the land of the living, we've been pretty busy these last few weeks."

"As long as we're talking about my resurrection," she says playfully, "I heard you gave me up for dead."

If turians could blush, she's pretty sure Garrus would be bright crimson right about then, but her old friend settles for burying his face back in the targeting servers. "Did Liara rat me out?"

"Nope."

"Ashley? Doctor Chakwas?" Shepard doesn't react to either of the names. "Tali?" She smirks. "Really?", he asks incredulously. "My own girlfriend?"

"Oh, don't be too hard on her. You know she can't keep a secret."

"True enough," he concedes. "I guess I just couldn't believe you could really cheat death again." He looks up from his work. "You know, James argued it would've been a hell of a way to go out, blowing up the Reapers. Really one for the histories."

"It would've been." She takes a deep breath. "I almost didn't make it back."

"That's what Miranda said. The way she told it, you took a pretty epic amount of punishment. Reaper canons, exploding space stations… Even Wrex was impressed."

"It wasn't just the injuries," the Spectre admits. "I was…" She runs a hand through her hair, deciding on the best way to explain what she'd been feeling after she activated the Crucible. "I was so tired. Everyone had expected me to fix everything for so long."

"You expected it of yourself too."

"I did. But it wore me down, and when the Crucible finally fired and it was done, I just wanted to sleep. It wasn't the same thing as wanting to die, but I still almost couldn't find the strength to wake up again."

"You did though."

She nods. "For Liara. I put her through so much already. I couldn't leave her just because I had a few cuts and bruises."

"A few cuts and bruises?" Garrus laughs. "Well, whatever you want to call them, I'm just glad you made it. I mean, otherwise Liara probably would've become a recluse and I'd have ended up having to give the speech every Shepard Day?"

She raises her eyebrows incredulously. "Shepard Day?"

"You know it's coming. Statues, fireworks, pastries shaped like your head. And now you get to stick around and enjoy all of that."

As little as that idea appeals to her, the commander can't help but join in on his laughter. "You're probably right. Still, I think I made the right choice."

"Wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the, ah, victory celebrations?" he teases her.

"Something like that." She turns to go, but before she does, she adds, "You and Tali make sure that you find the time to do some celebrating of your own. We all have to remember that whatever it cost, we're still alive. If we lose that, then what the hell was the point of all of it?"

It's nearing the start of the morning shift when Shepard finally makes it back to her cabin and when she undresses and crawls back under the covers, she finds Liara already half awake. "Ashara," the asari murmurs sleepily to her bondmate, "Where were you?"

The Spectre kisses the back of her lover's shoulder blade. "I couldn't sleep. I was just making the rounds and checking on the crew."

Liara pulls herself together at the mention of Ashara's insomnia, sitting up in what is now their bed. "More bad dreams, love?"

"Yeah." Shepard shakes her head. "Virmire this time. Kaidan."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" There's a hurt behind her question, and Ashara feels a pang of guilt stab her at the sound.

"You seemed so peaceful and I didn't want to disturb you," she tells Liara defensively. "Besides," the commander adds before kissing her bondmate appreciatively, "You do more than enough for me already."

Liara returns the kiss, but when it ends, Ashara can still see a hint of irritation in her beautiful, blue eyes. "I appreciate the sentiment," the asari tells her, "But I want to help you with this. And…" Liara hesitates for a second, clearly reluctant to say what's bothering her, but in the end, she decides on honesty. "When you asked me to move in, you said that you didn't want to wake up without me anymore. You aren't the only one who feels that way, love. Sometimes, when I turn over and you're not there, there's a moment when I forget that you aren't…"

"I wasn't thinking." Ashara brushes away the beginnings of a tear from Liara's eye. "I'm so sorry about all of this. I promised you a new life, but instead I'm still being weighed down by the old one." She sighs. "I thought I was done with this shit. Years ago, after Mindoir, it was like this. The dreams, the guilt… It took me a long time, but I finally got past them, and for years, I believed that nothing could hurt me the same way again. Basic, first combat deployments, Elysium, none of it really phased me… I thought if I could deal with what happened to my family, I could handle anything. But this, the whole galaxy burning… I wasn't ready."

Liara's arms wrap around her, pulling her lover tight against her warm body. "No one was. No one could have been. I know it won't be fixed overnight, but we have time now. Just, please, stop blaming yourself for needing help and let me give it to you."

"You do help," Ashara protests once more, "So much. I don't know where I'd be without you."

"I can do a little more," Liara replies, and as her lips find the Spectre's neck, Ashara does her best to relax and enjoy the sensation. There'll be a new shift in the afternoon, and new problems to face after that, but at least for right now, she just wants to be here with her bondmate.