A/N: I can't tell you guys how sorry I am for the wait. I know I promised quicker updates, but what can I say? Life came in the way... oh and I just bought season four on DVD, so I just hadto watch it before I continued writing.
However, thank you for the great reviews, here's a new chapter, enjoy :)
Chapter 10
Santana's POV:
After my almost-collision with Quinn in front of the spanish room I was so glad that Rachel and Kurt were saving me. If they wouldn't have found me... I really don't want want to know what Quinn and the others would have done with me. They didn't have cups in their hands, so obviously they weren't planning on slushie-showering me, but that got me questioning: What the actual fuck did they plan to do with me? I felt a cold shiver running down my spine. Don't want to know...
With Kurt's arm wind around my left arm and Rachel's around my right I was dragged under the bleachers. I knew Brittany would be there, what made my heart start to race. Stupid, stupid heart. I really loved the way the blonde made me feel, but in moments like this I just wanted to rip my heart out to stop it from beating. I was afraid it might actually jump out of my chest, or at least Rachel and Kurt might hear it, it was... embarrassing.
And then I finally saw her and my heart jumped around even faster. Brittany was sitting on her usual place, the couch, and I saw her throwing a cigarette away quickly. The way she looked at me she hoped that I didn't see it. I smiled shy at her and she stood slowly up, returning my smile instantly. Brittany didn't bother to even look at Rachel and Kurt. When they both let go of me she wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her face into the crook of my neck. I'm pretty sure she was able to feel the goosebumps forming there. I put my arms around Brittany's neck and pulled her closer, shutting my eyes and breathing in her sweet scent with a note of smoke. I heard a quiet awww next to us and knew that Rachel and Kurt were watching Brittany and me, but right now the blonde was more important, and when I held her close I felt all the fear of running into Quinn or getting beaten up by Puck flowing away. The things this one girl makes me feel...
"What are you already doing here?", Brittany whispered into my neck and placed a small kiss on it. Thanks to the way we stood, Rachel and Kurt weren't able to see this intimate act and I sighed in relief.
"I almost ran into Quinn... They brought me here...", I whispered back. Of course Brittany knew who they were and she nodded once. "You know... you can't run away forever... Eventually you have to go back into school...", she said after a small pause. I sighed again. I knew that I would have to go back in eventually, I just had no idea how to get through this... Rachel and Kurt (obviously) wouldn't be able to protect me, and I really didn't want to drag my favourite blonde into this.
"Yeah, I know...", I murmured while I held her close. What I wanted most right now was to stay like this. Because with Brittany in my arms nothing else mattered. It was like the world stopped spinning, like time stood still. After a minute of comfortable silence the blonde slowly loosened her grip around my waist and took a step back, turning her head around to look at Rachel and Kurt. Oh... yeah, right. They were still here.
"You can go now. I'll take care of her.", Brittany said to them and Rachel nodded at her. The brunette and the boy shared a quick glance at each other and began to walk away. When Rachel passed me she threw a tight-lipped smile at me and Kurt petted my shoulder a second with his hand. I followed both of them with my eyes until they disappeared, and when I turned back around I gasped. Brittany stood right in front of me with a evilly smirk on her face and one eyebrow cocked. I gulped audibly, my eyes wide. I knew what that look meant by now, and gosh, yes. My dick knew, too. Brittany made the final step towards me, so our bodies were flushed together and my hands found their way to the blonde's slim waist automatically while hers traveled around my neck.
I was expecting a kiss, but when Brittany leaned her face closer, she just rested her forehead against mine. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly in and out waiting for the blonde to speak.
"I'm single.", Brittany breathed.
"What?", I replied dumbly and opened my eyes to find hers staring back at me. Brittany chuckled at me and leaned forward to peck my lips one time.
"I talked to Puck. We broke up, so... I'm single."
I didn't want her to be single. I mean, I was like... sooo glad she and that asshole broke things off, but I wanted her to be mine. The only problem... I knew that this would be way too fast. Before I would collect all my bravery to ask her to be my girlfriend I wanted to take her out first. I wanted to do it right.
I smiled at Brittany and connected our lips again, this time with her bottom lip between mine, sucking gently before leaning back and looking up at her. I could get lost in that beautiful blue orbs... I could just-
"What are you thinking?", Brittany whispered. I bit on my lip and caressed the skin of her waist through the shirt with my fingers slowly.
"You're beautiful, Britt.", I whispered back and almost instantly I saw a deep blush forming on the blondes face. She looked down and shook her head quickly. When she raised her gaze back up to lock her eyes with mine she smiled though.
"You are the real beauty. Inside and outside."
Now it was my turn to blush and I giggled like an idiot. Ugh...and now I really want to slap myself. Like so often in the last few days. "No, Britt, you are-", I tried to argue, but got cut off when Brittany's lips crashed into mine to stop me. Surprised I gasped into the kiss and Brittany used the chance to slip her tongue into my mouth to let hers massage mine gently. I sigh-hummed in pleasure and instantly responded to Brittany by pulling her closer until we were one.
Kissing Brittany was by far my favourite activity now. I used to like to play computer games or xbox, but Brittany's lips on mine...? Waaaay better.
I made a mental note to hide all my nerdy-freak-game-stuff before Brittany would come over the next time, that would be just embarrassing if she ever found it. However, Brittany and me were standing under the bleachers, kissing sweetly for the next few minutes, until we heard a bell and I broke away.
"Fuck, Britt, I need to go to spanish!", I said panicked. I know Rachel and Kurt brought me here so the blonde could just take care of me and that's really all I wanted right now, but I wasn't five anymore. I needed to go to class, like... now. Brittany sighed and nodded with a disappointed look on her face.
"I'll come with you...", she said in a low voice and I smiled at her. She was so sweet and caring, I had really no idea why everyone was so afraid of her. I didn't understand why everyone was saying stuff about her when they didn't even knew her. She was that amazing person, I didn't know why she didn't want the world to see the real her. Brittany leaned back towards me to give me one last, long and deep kiss, before she took my hand and dragged me by her side back into school.
And now being able to hold Brittany's hand made me feel like fucking superman.
/
After Brittany and me arrived to spanish only three minutes too late we took place on our usual seats next to each other. I gave my best not to look at the others, but whenever I raised my gaze I saw people staring at me. Thank god Brittany was sitting next to me with her hand under the table on my thigh. Her touch calmed me down. She seemed to sense my tension and took care of it. I turned my head to the side, only the slightest bit, and smiled at her, what she returned instantly. She squeezed my thigh one short time (not a sexual action) before looking back to the front.
When we walked along the hallways I was glad that Quinn was no where in sight, just like Puck. I knew I had to face them eventually, but I wasn't sure if I could handle that now. To my luck they weren't here in this classroom either, even if they were waiting for me earlier in front of it. I saw Rachel and Kurt in the second row sitting next to each other, turned around towards us and smiling encouragingly. I smiled back at them. They were really good friends. I could call myself lucky to have them.
When my eyes scanned the room further I suddenly froze. A few rows in front of me to my right a pair of eyes were staring back at me, hurt and confusion visible. I gulped but never looked away. It was like I just... couldn't look away, you know? The boy kept staring at me for what felt like an hour, but really it was just a few more seconds, before he shook his head sadly and turned back around. I felt a sting in my heart. I didn't intend to hurt Sam the way I did. He seemed okay with the fact that I couldn't date him because I had the hots for someone else, but now... He just looked like he felt betrayed.
"Are you okay?", a voice next to me whispered and pulled me out of my thoughts. Was I okay? Clearly not. But I didn't want to worry Brittany, so I nodded at her with a grateful smile. The lesson seemed to go on for hours and hours, I had no idea what the teacher (Was it Mr. Schuester?) was talking about, I didn't even returned the smiles Rachel and Kurt were throwing at me anymore. I just sat there, thinking about all that confusing stuff that happened and would happen in the near future. I had to talk to Sam. I needed to make him understand...
I needed to tell him how sorry I was for leading him on even if my intentions never were to be his girlfriend or something like this. I needed to tell him that me having a dick didn't change - okay, no, I wouldn't go that far into detail. I just needed him to know that it was wrong what I did, that Brittany is what, or rather who, I want. I had to say sorry.
While thinking about Sam and during the rest of the lesson, until the very last second, Brittany's hand never left my thigh.
/
"No.", Brittany said stubbornly while crossing her arms above her chest. She looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes and that adorable pout and shook her head lightly. I sighed at her behaviour. We just got out of class and I told her that I was going to look for Sam so we could talk, but she insisted to come with me, what I didn't think was a good idea.
"No.", she repeated. "I won't let you go alone. No."
"Britt... I have to do this on my own.", I said.
"No, you don't. I can come with you. I'm your... friend." She whispered the last part and a small blush appeared on her face. She was adorable, I just had to smile at her now.
"Yes, you are my friend. You are my special friend, but I want Sam to be my friend again, too. Eventually..." I didn't expect him to fall into my arms as soon as I said how sorry I am, but I really hoped he would forgive me someday and then we could built our friendship back up...
"Eww... San... but he's gross.", Brittany pouted again and I chuckled.
"No, he's not. Don't be mean."
"Yes he is. Have you seen his mouth? That's just so creepy!"
We looked at each other for a second in silence before we broke out into laughter. To make fun of Sam wasn't what I intended here, but gosh. Brittany was just so cute. Moments like this one made me realize that I was so okay with the fact that I was falling in love with the blond girl. Fast and hard.
(Wanky...)
"I will see you as soon as I'm done talking with him. Meet me under the bleachers...?", I said after we stopped laughing. She sighed and nodded slowly.
"Okay... but promise me to be careful...", she added and looked at the ground, as if she was embarrassed to show me that she actually cared for me. I smiled and brought my index finger up to lift her chin so she would look at me. I turned my head around and saw a guy coming out of a classroom and walking around a corner. And then we were alone. I looked back at Brittany, who was now staring back at me and before I had the chance to lean forward to kiss her, Brittany's lips were already on mine and I gasped into the kiss. Unfortunately we broke apart before one of us could deepen the kiss, and we smiled at each other shy.
"See 'ya...", Brittany whispered and I repeated her words. Then I turned slowly around and made my way to the auditorium. I had sent a message to Sam and he agreed to meet me there in five minutes. I sighed in relief when I arrived at the auditorium without having seen someone. Somehow it felt strange that I haven't seen Quinn yet. Before school she seemed pretty eager to cross my way, but nothing happened yet. Not that I was complaining, I definitely wasn't, I just couldn't shake off the feeling that something was wrong...
When I finally arrived in front of the stage I took a seat in the first row, waiting for Sam to show up. First I didn't even recognize him, I was too busy thinking about Brittany's lips on my own and all the little unicorns inside of my stomach were running around wildly, but then he cleared his throat and I snapped out of my day dreams blushing. Sam stood there awkwardly with his hands inside of his pockets, a forced tight-lipped smile on his face.
"Hey...", I greeted him and he nodded in acknowlegdement.
"Hi...", he replied clearly uncomfortable.
"Do you... uh... maybe want to sit down?", I asked and pointed to the free seat next to me, but Sam just shook his head. "No, I'm fine like this..." I nodded at him, not really sure what to say anymore.
"So... uh... I guess you heard about my-"
"Yes. I did. And you know what, Santana? It's not even the fact that you have the same thing like me down there. I'm just... I'm so mad that you were leading me on like this! Why did you do that? And like... are you a guy? I mean, you don't look like one, it just... ugh! I don't know what to say here! I made a complete fool out of myself!"
I had my eyes wide after Sam's little speach and felt tears swelling up inside of me. One second I felt so strong, I wanted to tell him everything, and in the next I was a vulnerable mess, my vision got blurry and tears started to roll down my cheeks. Embarrassed I whiped them away quickly, not wanting to let Sam see me like this.
"S-Sam... I'm so sorry, I can't tell you h-how sorry I-I am for this...I just... I don't think you would understand...", I sobbed uncontrollably. Fucking tears just wouldn't stop rolling down my face. I pressed my hands to my eyes, maybe this would stop them. I felt so bad for hurting Sam, he was a good guy, and he deserved a girl who would treat him right, and that certainly wasn't me. After a minute or so I looked back up, Sam staring back at me with mixed expressions on his face. Like he didn't know if he should comfort me or continue to yell.
"I can't do this right now.", he eventually said and rushed past me, out of the auditorium.
/
Brittany and me were sitting on the couch under the bleachers with my head on her shoulder and her arms wrapped around me. I haven't said a word since I came from the Sam-incident. I was grateful that the blond girl didn't question the tears in my eyes or my silence, she just held me close and repeated to whisper the words everything will be fine in my ear. Break was almost over, we had like ten minutes left, and I really didn't want to spend my free time crying in the arms of my favourite person.
"He hates me...", I eventually murmured. Ugh, my voice sounded like crap. Brittany tightened her grip around me and kissed the side of my head once.
"I'm sure he doesn't hate you... give him time, he'll come around.", the blonde replied and I sniffled.
"I don't think so. He was so uncomfortable and awkward around me... it seemed like he wanted to run away from me as fast as possible..."
"Then he missed the chance to be friends with the most amazing person ever."
I smiled up at Brittany. She always knew how to cheer me up even in situations like this. Around her I felt like I could finally be me. And let me tell you, it felt good to not have to hide the entire time.
"I'm not.", I said lowly. I wanted to add a small because you are but Brittany already shook her head with a serious expression on her face. "Don't try to argue with me, Lopez. You are amazing." Then a cocky smile appeared on the blonde's face and she leaned towards me and pressed her lips against mine in a quick kiss. For a few seconds we were staring at each other lovingly, like there was no one else in the world except us. And then a thought just popped into my head and I couldn't help but say it out loud.
"What are we?"
Brittany furrowed her eyebrows confused and looked at me questioningly. "What do you mean?", she asked, never breaking eye contact.
"I mean... I like you. Like... a lot. B-but I... uh... I have no idea what we are doing and what all that...uh, kissing stuff means to you..." There. I said it. Brittany finally broke our staring contest to look at the ground, obviously thinking about my words. She bit on her lower lip and sighed quietly. I felt a knot starting to form in my stomach and held my breath. What if she was just about to tell me that it was all just fun for her? That it didn't mean anything. Yes, she broke up with Puck because of me, but... I know that she never had real feelings for him, so maybe she was just playing with me now, too?
No. I shook my head lightly, more to myself than Brittany. She wouldn't do that. She trusted me with the whole Quinn-Puck-story. She protected me from them and didn't freak out because of my anatomy. There was no chance that this all was just an act, right?
"I like you, too...", Brittany began to speak and squeezed my shoulder gently with the hand that was thrown over the back of the couch. "Like... a lot.", she admitted, repeating my earlier words, a blush creeping its way on her beautiful face. "Aaaaand... I would like to... uh... would you... do you..." To the end her voice grew smaller and smaller until Brittany just went mute. I looked at her patiently, waiting for her to complete her sentence, or question as it seemed.
"Doyouwannagoonadatewithme?"
I had no idea what Brittany just said. She looked at me flushed and wide-eyed, her grip on my shoulder stiff.
"I uh... what?", I asked dumbfounded with a raised eyebrow. Brittany sighed again, but not in that annoyed way, more like she collected all of her bravery to repeat her question. Slower this time, I hoped.
"Do you... maybe, uh... want to go on a... date, with me?"
My heart jumped and I was kissing Brittany before I even realized I was doing it. It was more like a quick closed-mouth-pressed-against-closed-mouth-kiss, but it lasted longer than just a peck, and everytime I was this close to Brittany my pulse quickened and the need for oxygen became unnecessary, like I needed Brittany more than the air I was breathing.
"I'd love to.", I whispered against Brittany's lips and slowly leaned back. Brittany was still holding me with her arm around my shoulder and I nuzzled my nose into the crook of her neck to inhale the blonde's sweet scent. I heard Brittany giggling in her adorable way, like usual and began chuckling, too.
"That's amazing. You're amazing.", Brittany said when we went back to being quiet. I nodded against her shoulder. It was really amazing. Brittany just asked me out and I had said yes. It was like a fucking dream just came true. Satisfied I sighed. Being in Brittany's arms made me feel so safe. She made me feel good, like... really good. I knew she cared for me. I wanted to slap myself for ever doubting her. We sat there, just like this, for a few more minutes in comfortable silence. I listened to Brittany's breathing. Somehow it calmed me down.
"San...?", the girl next to me said unsure. I turned my head a little bit, so I was able to look at her and waited for Brittany to speak further. She looked really nervous and that made me just feel the same. I gulped when the blonde opened her mouth. Somehow I had an idea where this conversation was heading.
"I wanted to ask you something about... uh... you know... yesterday. We haven't talked about it yet, and I was wondering... I mean, I don't know-"
"Just ask what you want to know.", I interrupted Brittany's adorable rambling and smiled at her shy. Of course I knew that eventually she wanted answers for the shower-accident yesterday, I just hoped that this might be rather later, but the sooner I talked to her about my condition, the better. Right?
"You've got a dick.", Brittany stated and my eyes widened at her straight-forwardness. I felt the heat rising to my face, but nodded.
"That's not a question though...", I said embarrassed. Brittany chuckled and nodded, too.
"I just needed you to confirm it. There was still the possibility that I just imagined everything that happened yesterday... I mean, your kisses totally made my head spin.", Brittany said and winked at me with a cocky grin and I just blushed harder.
"However...uh...", the blonde began again, "I guess that just makes me a little confused about... you know. You totally look like a girl."
"I am a girl.", I said, maybe a little too harsh. "Look... I was born that way, I can't change that, and actually... I don't know if I would even want to change that. Yeah, I want to be normal, but it just makes me who I am. That's me. I am a girl, born with a penis, and I hate that that simple fact makes everything so damn complicated. I hate that-"
"San, stop it. First of all, it's always just as complicated as you make it. Forget about Quinn and Puck for a second. Forget the others. I care for you, that's what matters. And I don't care that you are different than other girls, because you're right. That makes you you. And I like you... And second, don't ever want to be normal. You are so special. You are so special to me, okay? Don't forget that."
...
"Oh, and San?"
"Hmmm...?"
"Does it function?"
Startled I looked up at Brittany with shock written all over my face, and the blonde started laughing lightly at my expression. This question just caught me totally off guard, I just nodded a few times quickly, too embarrassed to actually answer. Was she really asking me this? Ugh... I wanted to sink into the ground, like... NOW.
"Soooo... you don't just shoot blanks?"
Oh dear mother...
Just as quickly as I nodded my head before I shook it now, long lost my ability to speak.
"That means... you could totally knock someone up?"
I'm sure I just reached my destination for total embarrassment. How could she speak so free about things like that? I felt like my head might explode every second from all the heat and blushing. Brittany looked at me like she actually expected me to answer, and after I gulped heavy I cleared my throat to try to speak again.
"Uh... I... yes."
Brittany smirked at me and nodded one time in slow motion.
"So I'll better be prepared for this."
/
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. It's really not that hard, Santana. I told myself. My hands were sweating and I just felt like throwing up any second. I stood inside of one of the toilet stalls, panic running through my veins. I forced myself to breathe, but I held my breath again when I heard feet shuffling and Quinn's curse-words just outside of this stall.
Two minutes ago I was washing my hands, ready to walk out of the rest room (so I could meet Brittany, who was waiting for me outside of school, so we could go), when I heard it in front of the ladies room. Quinn was yelling at everyone to move their fucking asses out of her way, and so I just did what I saw as only option. I ran into one of the stalls, hiding like a little child, hoping she wouldn't come in there or recognize me in any way.
I had my back pressed against the cold wall next to the toilet. I didn't even lock that fucking door. Ugh...
There was one little gap between the stall-wall and the door, and carefully I tip-toed two steps forward so I could look through it. Maybe the head-cheerleader just wanted to re-do her make up or something, but what I saw made my breath hitch. Quinn was standing in front of the mirrors with one hand driving through her blond hair, in the other one she held something I couldn't quiet identify thanks to the loss of my glasses. She looked at herself through the mirror. With her mouth in an o-shape she breathed heavy in and out. Quinn just looked... terrified.
Confused I furrowed my eyebrows. What was all this about? I had no chance to properly think about it, because in an instant Quinn was turning around and walking towards the stalls. My heart skipped a beat, but not in the delicious way Brittany caused. I closed my eyes, counting the seconds until the door would open and Quinn would start to yell at me, or laugh at me, or throw a sluhie over me, whatever, it never came.
Instead the door to the stall next to me opened and the girl disappeared inside. Maybe that was my chance to escape. The second I wanted to start moving I heard some rustling and I froze again. What was she doing over there? And then... ugh. Now I felt like a creep listening to her peeing. I didn't move an inch the entire time, way too afraid to get caught. I bit on my lip when I heard the toilet flush and Quinn walking back in front of the mirrow and the sinks. She held again something in her hand, tapping it on the sink anxiously, and now I was even more confused.
Was that a...
"Fuck!", Quinn whisper-shouted and slapped her palm against her forehead a few times. When I looked back up at her face I saw a single tear runing down her cheek, which she whiped away quickly with the back of her hand. It couldn't be, could it...?
Quinn stayed silent for a few minutes longer, just looking at herself in the mirror, like some sort of staring contest. In her own way she looked broken, but after everything she put me through I wasn't sure if it was a good thing to feel sorry for her...
"No... no. No. No. No. No!"
Terrified I looked through the small gap and saw Quinn looking at the thing in her hand, and after painfully slow ten seconds she threw it into the trash and stormed out of the rest room without looking back.
Phew... Now I felt safe to breathe again. My body was still kind of frozen, but slowly I opened the stall door and walked out, not really sure what to do. It was probably for the best to wait a minute longer, and then my eyes found the trash can.
Maybe it wasn't okay what I was doing. Maybe it wasn't right. But I needed to know. I looked into the bin and immediately saw it. It was stupid from Quinn to leave this here where everyone could find it, but that really wasn't my problem. Between two fingers I pulled the small stick out of the trash and looked at it confused. I've never seen something like this in real life. I mean... I would never need one of those things, so... But even if I had no real idea how to use such a thing, I knew exactly what the small plus on the side meant.
Quinn Fabray was pregnant.
/
A/N2: I can't stop listening to If I die young and Fire and Rain... last episode made me cry so hard... :((
It just feels like we lost Cory and Finn :( I can't imagine how hard it must be for Lea to lose him two times...
-Stay strong.-
What are your favourite songs from the Cory/Finn memorial episode?