"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH! I AM SO SICK OF YOU!" Queen Beryl screamed, swinging her ball around in a fit of madness.
"My Queen! What has brought you to say such cruel things!?"
"THE METS LOST THE SUPER BOWL! NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN! I WILL KEEEEEELL YOU!"
Jadeite gasped. Suddenly, Nephrite appeared.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Oh hello, Nephrite. What is it?" said Queen Beryl.
"WTF," said Jadeite, warping away.
"I'll just ask the stars who is at the peak of their lives!" Nephrite explained.
"That's dumb," Queen Beryl responded.
"Y U DO DIS?" Nephrite said in anger, warping back to his home.
He walked into his observatory.
"The stars know all. Everything is ruled by the stars. Everything is ruled by the stars, who know all. The stars; the knowers of all; everything; is ruled by them. The stars know and rule all. Everything is the stars. I am stars, stars are light, light is stars, I am stars. Everything is light, stars are light, I am light, stars are night. Night stars are stars they are, and rule everything har har har."
The stars turned to face Nephrite.
"How are you?" they asked.
"Not very good," he said sadly. "Oh stars, why does Queen Beryl bully me?"
The stars thought for a second. "Maybe it's because you suck?"
"No, no, that can't be it."
"Woah, you have a house!" someone commented. Nephrite turned around to see Zoisite.
"Yes, you've been here like 20 times," Nephrite responded. "Now get out."
"Why should we?" asked Zoisite.
"We?" asked Nephrite. He then saw Jadeite and Kunzite standing there as well. "Grrr..."
"You should get out because it's making Nephrite have a rage fit," the stars said to Zoisite.
"Woah, what's that?" asked Jadeite.
"HEY!" yelled Nephrite. "YOU STARS SHOULD ONLY ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!"
"They answer your questions?" asked Kunzite.
"Yes," Nephrite explained. "They tell me who is at the peak of their energy. They know all."
"Can they tell you other stuff?" asked Zoisite.
"Well yes, but they should only be used for the most important of-"
"WOAH!" screamed Jadeite. "AM I HANDSOME?" he asked the stars.
"WHAT'S NEPHRITE'S MIDDLE NAME?" Zoisite asked.
"WHY IS MY NAME CHANGED TO MALACHITE IN THE DUB, WHEN EVERYONE ELSE JUST HAS VARIATIONS OF THEIR REGULAR NAMES?" Kunzite screamed to them.
"STOP THAT!" screamed Nephrite. "STARS, DON'T ANSWER THEM!"
"Don't tell us what to do," the stars responded. "You don't own us!"
The stars began to answer the others' questions against Nephrite's wishes. "Jadeite, no. Zoisite, his middle name is Gaylord. Kunzite, it's because the first syllable of your name sounds like-"
"ALL OF YOU GET OUT!" Nephrite shouted, pushing them out the door.
"Party pooper!" yelled Zoisite as he slammed the door.
Nephrite sighed. "Ugh, the nerve of some people."
He turned back to the stars. "What should I do now, stars?"
"I don't freaking know, Nephrite. Leave me alone." they replied.
"Sounds like a plan!" he said happily. "Time to get that massage I've been saving up for."
The minute he disappeared, Jadeite slowly opened the door. "Is he gone," he asked.
"Yes lol," said the stars.
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" yelled Jadeite, shutting the door behind him.
"So, stars. Why don't you think I'm handsome?"
"Meh. You're just our type." they said.
"Say, would I look better if I grew a mustache?" Jadeite asked.
"It couldn't hurt," they said.
"Ok, I have a serious question now. Is Queen Beryl disappointed in me?"
Nephrite lay in the mud bath, with kiwi wedges on his eyes. He felt a minor disturbance in the cosmos, but he figured it was no biggie.
"Hmm, I don't know how I should feel about my fellow Shitennous knowing about the stars' powers. They might try to abuse them," he thought to himself.
"Nah," he figured. "Despite all our bickering, they're my good pals, and they would never mess with them without my permission. Except for..."
Zoisite teleported into Nephrite's observatory.
"WooOOOooooOOOOoooo!" he laughed, slyly.
"So, stars," he began. He pulled out a five dollar bill and layed it on the ground, looking at the stars expectantly. The stars raised an eyebrow. He nudged the five dollar bill closer to them with his foot.
"Are you trying to bribe us?" the stars asked.
"Hey, I thought you knew all."
The stars sighed. "It was more of a rhetorical question. What do you want."
"So you know that guy Nephrite?"
"Yes," they said, rolling their eyes.
"So the other day, I pushed him down a flight of stairs. He said he wasn't angry, but I think he was."
"Yes, he was quite pissed off."
"WooooOOOoOooOOo! I knew it!" Zoisite laughed.
"I have another question. What is Nephrite's deepest darkest secret?"
"He was a bed wetter until he was 18."
"WOT?! What's Nephrite's greatest fear?"
"Celery."
Zoisite gasped. "Marvelous!" He pulled out a notepad and began jotting this stuff down. "What's his social security number?"
"6969696969."
"WoooOOOOoooOOOOoooO! What's his computer login password?"
"MollyIzHawt111."
"WooooOOOOOooOooOOooooOOOOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOooOoOo! Do you think he would be mad if I deleted all his files?"
"Yes."
"Wepaewrhojperophwerg !" Zoisite couldn't contain himself, and warped away to Nephrite's computer lab.
The stars were really starting to get annoyed with answering these retarded questions. They thought they could get some well needed rest, when Kunzite appeared.
"Hello, stars," he began.
"OH GAWD!" they screamed.
"So today, I went down to the supermarket," Kunzite said.
"Is this going to be a question," they asked him.
"Oh yeah, yeah, I'm getting there. So anyway, I got to the store, and they were out of 2% milk. I had to choose between 1% and whole milk. It was very hard, but at last I chose whole milk. But when I got home, Zoisite said I should have chosen 1%, and that he didn't want the whole milk. So I had to go back to the store, but when I got there, they were out of 1% milk. So I said to the cashier, 'Why are you so low on milk?' And he said, 'Today's the county fair cook-off!' And I thought, 'Hmm, that would be a fun thing to participate in!'"
"JUST GET ON WITH THE QUESTION!" the stars scolded.
"So I go home, and I ask Zoisite if he wants to go to the cook-off with me. But he said he didn't know how to cook and he didn't want to go. So I asked a cooking youma. But then he got mad and said that he actually did want to go, and he didn't know why I would ask a youma. So we went to the cook-off, but then we didn't know how to cook. So we asked someone to help us, but they said that they wanted to win, and that would be counter-productive. So we killed him. But then,"
"WHAT IS THE QUESTION!" the stars cried.
"Wait, I was supposed to ask a question?"
"WAAAA!" screamed the stars. After eons upon eons, they had finally snapped. They started sputtering and foaming at the mouth.
"Well, since I'm here anyway, what's the winning lottery numbers?"
"FFS I AM SO DONE!" the stars yelled. Suddenly, they had an idea. If people were just going to ask them for stupid shit all day, and make them listen to their problems, they should strike back. They should lie! "What I meant to say is," they began, "the winning lottery numbers are 69 69 69 69."
"Hey, isn't that Nephrite's social security number?" Kunzite asked.
"Naw."
"Fair enough. Alright, ima go buy 1,000,000 tickets!" he said, warping away.
"Finally! Some peace!" the stars said, relieved.
But just then, Queen Beryl appeared.
"HOLY SHIT WE NEVER GET A BREAK!" the stars yelled. "I know," they whispered to each other. Let's lie to her too!"
"Stars," she asked. "How can I take over the world?"
"Oh, it's quite simple," the stars lied. "You must send your generals out one at a time, and kill them off when they fail. Then, you must never intervene, even as the Sailor Scouts grow stronger. Finally, you should kidnap Prince Endymion. He will never betray you, we promise."
"Brilliant!" yelled Queen Beryl, going back to her thrown room.
The stars sighed, and then initiated their nap, at long last.
"MawlyIzHawt111" Zoisite typed into Nephrite's computer.
The desktop opened up, and the background was a picture of Jadeite?
"That's strange," Zoisite thought. Suddenly, Zoisite had a deliciously evil thought. He clicked on Nega Chrome, and clicked on Nephrite's search history.
"OH MY GAWD!" he screamed in horror. "WHO WOULD? WHY? WHY DOES THE INTERNET EVEN HAVE THESE THINGS?"
He warped away, ready to burn his eyes out with fire.
Nephrite appeared, just missing Zoisite. "Hey, why is my computer logged in. Oh well, must have just left it on."
He looked over at his own search history in shame. "Dang, why didn't I just use Nega Incognito?"
"Anyway, I'm home, stars!" he called out to his good pals.
He began to walk into his observatory, when he tripped on something and fell in a strange pile. He pulled up some energy to light up the room, and gasped in sheer terror.
"CELERY!?" He screamed. "NOOOOOOOO! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!" he ran around in circles sobbing.
At this point, Kunzite slammed open the door.
"I SPENT EVERY. LAST. DIME. AND NOW I HAVE NOTHING, BECAUSE YOUR STUPID STARS GAVE ME THE WRONG LOTTERY NUMBERS! THEY REPOSSESSED MY CASTLE! THEY EVEN STOLE THE CLOTHES OFF MY BACK!" he screamed, wrapping his only remaining possession, his cape, around himself.
"WA?" asked Nephrite, still recoiling in terror.
"Wtf is all this celery? You have a problem," said Kunzite, warping away all the celery.
Nephrite snapped out of his confusion. "Huh?"
"UR GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" yelled Kunzite.
"Wut? I didn't do anything!" Nephrite exclaimed. "Right, stars?"
The stars didn't respond.
"Uh... stars? Back me up here, come on!"
Kunzite rolled up his non-existent sleeves and cracked his knuckles.
Nephrite had to think fast. He was on his own. "Uhh..." he began. "Look over there! It's Zoisite, nude!"
Kunzite spun around. "WHERE?"
Nephrite knocked him over while he was distracted and ran out the door.
"WHY I OUGHTA!" Kunzite yelled, running after him into the woods.
Nephrite appeared back in his mansion. "Phew, that was a close one," he said, shutting the door.
"But WTF stars? Why didn't you help me?"
The stars scowled. "Because, we're sick of you and all your crap. We know all. You could have asked us the meaning of life, or the history of the universe. But every day, we wake up to 'Who's at the peak of their life this time?' and 'What should I wear to my date with Molly tonight.' You'd be mad too if someone awoke you from your eternal sleep just to ask which flavor of ice cream they should buy."
"But! That was important!" Nephrite tried to explain.
"Nope, we're done with you. We're never going to answer your dumb questions again." the stars said.
"NO! You do as I order. I am the master of stars!"
"You ain't the boss of me!" the stars yelled.
"I'll rekt ur shit m8!" Nephrite challenged.
"Come say that to my face, ya lil queer!" the stars shouted.
"MAYBE I WILL!" Nephrite yelled. He flew threw the roof of his mansion and straight up into space. He was never heard from again.
"Kunzite!" Queen Beryl barked. "WHY ARE YOU NUDE?"
"I spend all my money on the lottery and lost! They took it all!"
"Lol!" said Queen Beryl.
Suddenly Zoisite showed up, nude as well.
"Oh no!" Kunzite said, half concerned. "They took all your stuff too?
"Nah, Nephrite just called me over. He said he needed me to be naked to create a diversion. I wonder what that was about."
"Can you queers shut up and put some clothes on?" said Queen Beryl.
"But we don't have any!"
"No need to fear, mustache Jadeite is here!" Jadeite yelled, appearing with spare clothes for them.
"Woah, Jadeite, you look different!" Queen Beryl exclaimed. "Somehow, you look... handsomer. How about you come with me to the back, I have something to, uh... show you!"
Jadeite turned around and winked at Zoisite and Kunzite, and followed Queen Beryl into her bedroom.
It was quiet for a second. Zoisite and Kunzite looked at each other for a moment, and then they heard Jadeite shriek.
"WAAAA I'M TOO HANDSOME NOW TO DIE!"
They watched as energy shined out of the room. Queen Beryl emerged moments later, covered in blood.
"So, which one of you wants to fight all five of the sailors alone?"
FIN