Chapter 10

Nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.
– Jean de La Fontaine

Edward

Okay, today's the day. I'm gonna do it, I tell myself for the millionth time. The guilt has been growing and growing—Bella deserves better than for our friendship to be a secret, and if I'm going to ensure that she keeps my secrets, then I need to get a move on asking her out.

But something twists in my gut every time I think about this plan. I've gotten to know Bella and she's … nice. She's more than nice; she's a really cool person—one I'd like to at least be friends with. And if I date her and then it falls apart, there isn't a chance in hell we'll remain friends, and that really sucks.

And do I really need to do this? Last night, I told Emmett what Bella said, that now that she knows my secrets, she'll keep them, but Emmett just shook his head.

"Do you really think she's going to tolerate being your closet friend for very long? If she does, she's dumber than I thought. And once you go public with this, the rumors are going to start flying, so you might as well get some action out of it and iron-clad assurance that she's not going to talk."

I don't like it, but I've known from the beginning that I'll do anything to keep my secret, including keeping my best friends in the dark and basically taking a vow of chastity. I've gone this far, so what's a little bit further? And it would be nice to get my dick wet again—it's been ages since anyone but Rosey Palm and her five sisters came for a visit.

I know from yesterday that Bella's intending to be loyal to me. So now's the time. I need to make my move.

And then I go and almost fuck it up this morning by touching her in the hallway. Honestly, I have no idea what came over me. I just … reached out and tickled her, and I know Alice saw it. But I guess everyone will know by the end of the day anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I try not to think of the consequences of that, but as the morning wears on, I slowly become a nervous wreck. And Jesus Christ, I tickled Bella this morning! How the hell am I gonna face her in biology and explain that when I can't even explain it to myself?

I'm on my way to class, but somehow my frigid feet steer me to the nurse's office instead. I claim I have a headache, and she looks at me with barely disguised pity. I hate coming here—it's bad enough when I have to, but today I'm just being a wuss. Fuck.

I'll face Bella at lunchtime. Explain, or … something. Although, if I sit with her at lunch, my roving fingers from this morning will probably be the least of both our worries.

My heart rate skyrockets just thinking about it, and I try to keep my breathing under control as I fish a Xanax out of my pocket. I nicked it this morning from the stash Dad keeps in the kitchen for me—this is the first time I've considered taking one without being forced in a long time. But it's not as if I could have said, "I'm going to have a panic attack at lunchtime today because I'm going to destroy my social status by eating with Bella so she'll like me and keep my secrets." Jesus, that even sounds bad in my head.

Downing the pill with some water from the sink, I lie on the nasty little cot and try not to think about anything.

I jump when the bell rings, rubbing a hand over my eyes as the clamor of hungry students spills into the halls. Well, that's one way to pass the time. It's not as if Xanax hasn't knocked me out before.

I pass the nurse in the little hallway, and she gives me a perky smile.

"Feeling better?"

Fuck, if she only knew.But I nod and try to force my lips upward, and it's enough for her, just like it is for everybody else. I can't imagine what my life would be like if people weren't so self-absorbed and actually paid attention.

As I approach the cafeteria, my breathing picks up and my palms begin to sweat. I can do this. Why the hell am I so freaked out about doing this? But that accusation does little to console me as I round the corner and try not to stumble down the stairs.

I go through the lunch line, then circle back around through the doorway and wait like the stalker I apparently am … until Bella walks in. I want to follow her, but my feet seem to be stuck to the floor.

As I watch, she takes a chicken sandwich and Coke, and suddenly, she's nearing the end of the line and my chance is getting away from me and … somehow I lurch forward. My throat is like a desert. I swallow hard, then manage to whisper, "Hey."

She startles but doesn't turn around. "H-hi."

I put my tray down beside her so I don't drop it and grip the back of my neck, wiping the sweat away and trying to force myself to breathe.

"Um … would you have lunch with me? Today? I mean, like, not a lunch date or anything, just, um … you know what I mean …"

Her head whips around, and her eyes get really big.

"Wh-what?"

"Um … lunch. Will you sit with me?"

She's staring at me as if I just grew another head. Oh God, does she not want anyone to know we're friends? I always assumed …

"Uh … it's okay if you don't want to," I stammer. "N-never mind." My cheeks are on fire, and my stomach is churning—all I want to do is hide from her forever. But as I turn to bolt, she grabs my arm and—Whoa. What the hell was that?

It's as if she touched me with a branding iron, but now it's just little electric tingles. I must be fucking hallucinating from that Xanax—

"No, I … I want to. I'm sorry. I was just … surprised. Um … but what about—"

"Fuck 'em," I say, and it comes out way more confident than I feel. But I did manage to say it, and wow, look at that smile spreading across her face. She looks … beautiful when she forgets herself and smiles for real.

I pick up my tray and walk out into the main room, and passing her table and mine, I seat us at our own table away from everyone else.

And there's silence. I can feel the stares of the whole room, and my cheeks are burning again, but it also feels … good. For the first time in three years, I feel like I'm not hiding.

Oh, my God, I can breathe again.

I take a full, deep, glorious breath, and it intoxicates me. My head is spinning as I grin at her, punch drunk on how free I feel.

"So … what shall we talk about?" I ask, feeling like I'm on top of the world.

She smiles at me again, but it wavers as her eyes dart from side to side.

"Everyone is staring at us."

I glance around, but it's as if this feeling of freedom is a shield from all that, unless …

"Um … yeah. Do you not want to be here?"

"No, I—"

Mayday. Mayday!

"I do."

Never mind.

A strange warmth spreads through my chest at her words. Is this what friendship with a girl feels like? I wouldn't know—I was thirteen the last time I let myself feel anything toward the opposite sex other than lust. But whatever it is, it feels … good.

"Where were you this morning?"

"Huh?"

"Biology. You weren't there."

Oh fuck. "I was losing my shit in the nurse's office over what we're doing right now." Yeah, that's not gonna work as a response. "Oh, um … headache."

Her eyes widen and become … softer, somehow.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine now." She smiles and that weird heat flares in my chest again, but I really am fine. Finer than I've been in a long time. "So, what did you do last night?"

With each question I ask her, Bella relaxes a little more, and the room around us fades away. It's just like the afternoons in the library—we laugh and tease each other, and when the bell rings, I'm amazed that lunch is already over.

"I guess we should go," Bella says, moving to stand.

"I … yeah," I stammer, reeling a bit from the abrupt realization that we're in the middle of the cafeteria and of the school day, not in our own little world in the library.

"Will I see you … after school?" she asks, her cheeks turning pink as she stares at her tray. Her swings between outspoken, quirky geek and shy schoolgirl are making my head spin, but something tightens in my chest when she looks down and blushes like that—as if she's so unsure.

"Yeah, I'll be there," I tell her, grinning as she raises her head and smiles wide enough to make that little dimple on her left cheek.

And when the hell did I ever notice that before? I shake my head, but I'm still smiling as she walks away from me to join Alice and Angela as they walk past us.

I did it. Okay. I give myself a mental high five, but deep down, I know I'm just trying to hang on to this feeling of success. The fallout is coming, and I have no idea what's going to happen.

No one has the balls to say anything to me in the hallway, but I can hear the murmurs as I grab my books from my locker.

"Are they dating?" "Nah, they can't be. He's just messing with her." "Why would he bother with someone like her?"

I slam my locker door, making the three sophomore girls jump and scurry away like the little gossiping hoes they are. Why am I so fucking angry?

I storm down the hall, but by the time I get to study hall, my heart is pounding for a different reason. My palms are again slick with sweat—I'm about to be the center of attention, and that's never a good thing. In fact, it's a thing I usually avoid at all costs.

Mike, Tyler, and Jasper are already in their usual seats, and I take my place right in the middle. Bella is on the other side of the room, but I can't look at her. I have no idea what I'd see, and I need all the courage I can muster just to stay here.

"Dude, what the fuck? Why were you slummin' it at lunch today?" Tyler asks, his gaze hard.

I can feel my cheeks heating as my jaw tightens, but I don't respond.

"Yeah, Edward, what's up?" Austin chimes in. "Are you looking to trash bash?"

"She's not trash," I force out through gritted teeth.

"Oooh, what do we have here? I think Eddie likes this one!" Tyler crows, an evil gleam in his eye.

"She is a nice piece of ass." Mike speaks up for the first time, and a shiver runs down my spine, remembering his drunken hands all over Angela before Ben stepped in. She wasn't the first, and the others had no one to save them. "Maybe I'll take a turn with her too."

"She's mine!" I blurt, surprising everyone, including myself. Oh shit.

"For now," Mike mutters, his eyes roaming over Bella in a way that makes my skin crawl.

"Have fun slum-diving, if that's your thing," Tyler says, shaking his head, but I'm still stuck on Mike's words, and my own. Now, I have to ask her out because if I don't, they'll all think I'm a pussy, or one of them will do it themselves just to fuck with me, or … what if they think she refused me?

My stomach is tight and queasy all at the same time, and I just feel … icky. My eyes are drawn to Bella, but she's turned away from me, her head resting on her fist so her hair covers her face. Did she hear any of that? Fuck, I hope not. I wish I hadn't heard it.

As I turn to face forward, my eyes fall on Jasper. He was quiet through the whole exchange, and he's watching me, his brow furrowed and an almost-smile on his face. What the hell is that about? I shrug it off and try to get some actual work done. It's still gonna be a long fucking day.

I finally make it to my last class of the day, and I'm just about to sigh in relief … until I remember who sits on either side of me. Oh, motherfuck.

They're waiting for me—both of them staring me down the minute I enter the room—Lauren with pure disdain and Jessica with barely contained amusement. The nurse's office is looking really good about now.

I'm barely in my seat when Lauren strikes first.

"Why the fuck would you sit with her?" she demands, her eyes blazing.

"Oh, come on, Laur, you know he's just playing a game with her. It'll be fun to watch, especially the ending," Jessica sneers, winking at me.

"I'm not playing a game with her. We're dating," I reply. If I'm going to have to do this, I might as well get some more mileage out of it.

The looks on their faces are priceless. Jessica nearly swallows her tongue, and Lauren looks as if I just told her I'm gay. But then, she gets scary. Her lips purse, her eyes seem to glow this eerie green color, and she raises one eyebrow. Shit, are those flames around her ears, or am I hallucinating again?

"Are you?" she asks, but it's a question I know better than to respond to. "That's … nice."

Oh fuck, I may be seventeen and know next to nothing about women, but I know she thinks this is anything but nice. This is dangerous. Lauren is easy to deal with when she's pissed, but when she gets like this … look out. She got like this after our little adventure in the janitor's closet, when I refused to take things further with her. I occasionally still hear a whispered rumor about my microscopic dick and missing ball.

"No way!" Jessica exclaims. "But I thought—"

"Shut it, Jess!" Lauren hisses before her mask of composure slips back into place. "Edward can date whomever he wants. I doubt she'll hold his … interest for long."

Jessica's eyes widen, but Lauren turns away before she can say anything, and so do I. But I watch Lauren for the rest of the period, and whatever is going on in that evil little mind of hers doesn't bode well for Bella, or for me, for that matter.

But all of that fades into the background as the bell rings, and I head to my locker—now I have to go meet Bella in the library and ask her out before anyone I've talked to today finds out I haven't already.

That icky feeling is back. I can't help but wonder if today hadn't gone the way it did, would I still be doing this? It doesn't matter; you're committed now, I remind myself. But my steps are slow and heavy as I approach the library door.

When I push it open, Bella is sitting front and center, and she raises those chocolate brown eyes to me as a brilliant smile transforms her face. Warmth begins to spread in my chest, but that icky feeling washes all over it and turns it into nausea, and all I can manage is a weak smile in return. Fuck.

Her brows come together slightly, but she says nothing until I'm seated beside her.

Her gaze shifts to the book open in front of her. Shy schoolgirl time.

"Um … hi."

"Hey."

"How was your afternoon?"

If that isn't the worst question she could have asked, and yet, just like her, too. Well, I acted all caveman in front of the guys about you, and then I told Lauren we were dating just to see if smoke would come out of her ears.

"Um, it was … different."

"I know, everyone was talking about us," she says, a nervous laugh I've never heard before escaping her.

"What were they saying?"

Her cheeks turn pink as she swallows. "Well, some people asked me if we're friends, but …"

"But?"

Now she meets my eyes, and I'm amazed she has the balls to do it. "But most of them asked if we were dating."

"What did you say?" Jesus, I'm an ass, and a coward. She should walk away from me just for putting her through this conversation.

"I told them no," she replies, her eyes darting away.

"Did you want to tell them no?"

"What do you mean?"

Relief and anxiety flare through me as she tosses the ball into my court. Thank God she has the balls not to let me force her to ask me if we're dating—you are such a dick, Edward—but now, I need to man up and get this over with.

"Um, well … would you like to be dating? Uh … me?" Jesus Christ, you sound like you've never talked to a human before, much less a girl. "I mean, would you go out with me if I asked you?"

Her eyes widen, but then narrow in confusion as we both turn a cartoon shade of crimson.

"Well, are you?" she asks.

"Am I what?"

"Are you asking me to go out with you?"

Oh fuck, what did I say? I try to recall my words but I have no idea what I said. If she goes out with you, it's going to be out of pity. She has to think the seizures have addled your brains by this point.

"Oh, my God, can I just please start over?" I ask, too much of a pussy to even look at her.

"Of course," she says, biting her lip.

I take a few calming breaths, even though I know she's staring at me. I even reach down to see if my balls are still there, and amazingly enough, they seem to be. If you don't need to grow a pair, then use the ones you have before they shrivel up and fall off! Holy fucking hell, I've never had this much trouble talking to a girl before.

"I … what I mean is … Bella, would you like to go out with me?" I haven't said these words since I was twelve, so they feel funny on my tongue. Maybe that's why I couldn't get them out.

"You're serious," Bella says, looking at me skeptically.

"Uh, yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, because …" She pauses, her gazing piercing me.

It's as if she can see right through me, and I struggle not to squirm under her scrutiny. Does she know why I'm doing this? Could she possibly? I meet her eyes steadily, knowing if I fidget even the slightest bit, the jig will be up. Just as the first bead of sweat begins to trickle down the back of my neck, she breathes out heavily, her shoulders dropping.

"Yes, I would like to go out with you."

"Really?" Oh, my God, did I actually pull this off?

"Yes," Bella declares, laughing. Her smile is radiant as she puts her hand over mine, and I expect to feel good, but something lurches in my chest and the icky crashes over me like a tidal wave. Oh, God, I've made her happy. I am the biggest asshole in the whole entire world.

A/N: *shakes head at Edward* At least he feels bad about it? Teaser in Shadow Fics on Thursday, and Chapter 11 will post on Monday.