A/N: Here we go again. This is a really loong chappi. 9 pages! Hope you don't fall asleep while reading it. ;) Although it's hard to stay off the fluff (like I'm kind of an addict, lol), I try to push the story forward in the next chapter. We still have to get rid of that witch, don't we? ;)
~oOOo~
So, war had finally reached Downton Abbey. Lady Sybill had become a nurse and the house was now a place where officers could recover from their injuries. This showed once more how good-hearted Lord and Lady Grantham really were. Anna was nothing but proud to work for them and she did her best to help, even though she could only help by cleaning. As soon as she could be a part of this, Anna was happy. Of course it was not easy for the Crawleys to adjust to the new situation. Lord Grantham had the most problems, so it seemed. At least that' what John told her after hinted about a conversation they had a couple of days ago.
„You're late, Bates", Lord Grantham greeted the valet impatiently.
„I'm sorry, M'lord."
John could see that his Lordship was unnerved. While he was dressing him, he cautiously asked:
„Is everything alright, M'lord?"
„Yes, yes, of course. Would you hurry? I want to have the living room at least five minutes to myself before the stupid table-tennis begins."
„Do you regret to have agreed to this?" John asked in a calm and serious voice, which made Lord Grantham look up. He knew this tone of his old comrade. It had a weird power over him. Every time Bates uses it, it calms him down. He had this voice used more than once on him when they had been in Africa.
„No, of course not. This way, at least I have the tiny feeling that I am of any help."
John nodded understandingly and before he could stop himself, Lord Grantham exclaimed.
„I hate it to be useless, to be considered an old man who can't hold a gun anymore."
John helped his Lordship to get into his jacket.
„I know what you mean, Sir."
Robert looked through the mirror at his valet, and for a second the first signs of age vanished from his face and he saw the young Bates in the polished glass, with a sparkle in his eyes instead of hurt, frustration and self-hatred.
„Do you think it ungrateful of me to wish to be at the front, Mr. Bates?"
John looked up and he, too, saw a younger version of his commanding officer. His friend.
„Of course not, M'lord."
Their eyes locked.
„It has been hell", Robert said, memories of fallen bodies – no, comrads – flashed before his eyes. He could even hear the gunfire and the screams, smell the gunpowder and the blood.
„Yes, Sir."
Robert knew that memories hunted him as well.
„Then why do I want to go back?"
For a second, they just looked at each other, than John looked down and reached for the brush.
„As you said, you want to feel useful. You believe it is your duty to fight and you think that you could make a difference on the battlefield."
„But I couldn't."
John Bates was the only one Robert could talk about these things to. He had been to war with him, saw and knew what he did. John looked at him again.
„No, Sir, you couldn't. A war is not won by one person. It's not won at all, I believe."
By those words, another picture came into Roberts memory. It was after a day of battle. Night had fallen upon the land, but it was a full moon and he could see just fine. Saw the battlefield, what once had been an open field, had now become a cemetery, where the bodies still needed to be buried. He couldn't help but close his eyes for a second to get this horrible picture out of his head.
„I guess you're right, Bates. Of course, you are. We have seen it."
In silence, John finished dressing his employer. When he was standing in front of him, adjusting his bow tie, he could feel Roberts look on him. As he looked up he could see something in his eyes that made his heart tighten. He had seen it before and didn't want to go through this again.
„Don't, Sir", he simply said and turned away.
Robert watched Bates putting away the brush and folding his night clothes. He had thanked John Bates many years ago for saving his life. He had told him not to worry about it, but Robert always felt the guilt welling up in him when he looked at his friends cane. He probably hated it just as much as John did. It was a constant reminder of the debt that Robert could never clear. He had offered him money, he remembered. But Bates wouldn't take it, no matter what he had said. It was good that he could finally repay him, at least a little, by giving him a job.
„I'm glad you're here, Bates", Robert blurted out before he could stop himself. John stopped in the middle of his work. Although both of them were close at heart, they didn't say it very often. It both made them feel uncomfortable, mostly John.
„So am I, M'lord", John replied without turning. Robert smiled. Bates had never been good with this emotional stuff, he thought.
„I have business in town today, so could you please tell Mr. Branson to have the car ready at eleven?" Robert asked. With that, he changed this sensitive topic and didn't speak of it again for a long time.
~oOOo~
Later that day, Anna was kneeling on the floor, dusting the electrical outlet in the living room. Suddenly, she heard a giggle and the second door in the big room opened.
"Be quiet" she heard a man's voice and carefully looked up from her position behind the sofa.
It was Ethel and that officer who she had been talking about for several days now. While she still was giggling, he gently pressed her against the wall by the door and started to kiss her neck. Anna had trouble to stay calm. How could Ethel be so stupid? You just have to look this man in his eyes to know that he is up to nothing but flirtation and mischief.
"Don't, Charles. I have to work", Ethel protested weakly and put her arms around him at the same time.
"You have to work all the time. When can I see you alone? Really alone?" he whispered hoarsely and pressed her against his body. Anna felt sick.
"Why would you want to see me alone, Sir?" Ethel asked playfully.
The man grinned and pinned her against the wall again.
"Because I want to rip this hideous uniform off your body and check where else you might have red hair."
Anna gasped. How dared he speak to her like this?
He let his hand wander down on her butt, massaging it firmly.
"After this is done, I will caress your most secret place with my tongue until you scream my name."
Anna wanted to cover her ears with her hands. This was disgusting.
Ethel giggled again and they were about to kiss, as they suddenly heard Mrs. Hughes calling for her. They instantly broke apart, Mrs. Hughes came into the room and commanded Ethel back to work. With a last angry look at the officer, she left. The man followed a few seconds later.
Anna let out a breath. No one had seen her. With a shudder, she got back to work, trying to get the images out of her head that the impudent man had created with his words.
At dinner, Anna couldn't even look at Ethel. Or anyone else. She was still shaken by those open-hearted words. She had never heard anyone say such things. She was appalled, of course, but there was another feeling that wouldn't vanish. She felt a certain warmth in her lower regions that made it hard to focus. At first, she had seen Ethel and the officer do those things, but soon it was herself and John who were fooling around in his bed. So she didn't look up while eating dinner and barely spoke to someone. Every time John spoke, she felt his hands on her skin and his hot breath on her neck, heard him moan after he rolled on top of her…
Anna felt very ashamed of herself. As soon as dinner was over and everyone went upstairs, she caught John at the top of the stairs. The others had already gone through the door.
"Mr. Bates?" she asked. It felt so wrong to use his last name, but of course it was safer this way.
"Yes, Anna?" John turned around, smiling at her and more desire rushed through her body. She better made this quick or before she lunged at him.
"Would you mind if I don't come over tonight?"
"Is everything alright? I noticed that you were awfully quite at the table."
"Yes, I am fine. I'm just so tired…"
She hated to lie, especially to him. But what else could she say? That she wanted him so much that the thought of him and her alone in his chamber made her body tingle with lust? That she didn't trust her fingers to stay on his calves? That right now she even wouldn't mind if he took her right here, at the top of the stairs?
Sure, she could tell him that. But that would probably be the last words she spoke to him before he fled from her, taking his love with him.
"Look at me" John ordered. She almost didn't. But she knew she had to reassure him that everything was fine or he would worry for her the whole night. Pleading to god that her eyes wouldn't give her away, she looked up from her hands. His look was worried and he leaned in a little.
"You would tell me if something was wrong, right?"
"Of course. I'm tired, that's all."
Gosh, she could smell him now. She wanted to bury her nose into his shirt.
He searched in her eyes for a sign of worry, fear, maybe even regret. Annas heart was beating fast. Then, he smiled again and let it go.
"I guess we have to say goodbye now, then."
"I guess."
His eyes lowered to her lips. Yes, she wanted to kiss him. Of course she did. But she was too afraid to lose her mind.
"Goodnight, Mr. Bates" she said and made clear that they would stay formal tonight.
"Goodnight, Anna."
To reassure him that everything was fine, she smiled at him. He didn't buy it, but he turned and left anyway.
Sleep came and washed Annas cares away. There were no dreams to hunt her – which she was very thankful for - and so her head could clear. Now she was able to separate the scene she had watched yesterday and the disgust she had felt from the desire she felt for John. Lust was a natural thing and there was nothing dirty about desiring a man who had confessed his love for her, she told herself. Yes, he was a married man, but she knew his heart belonged to her. She felt it every time he looked at her, touched her or kissed her. There was nothing dirty between them. Only love. And isn't desire a part of love? And a wonderful one as well, as far as she could tell.
With high spirits she went down for breakfast, sat next to her man and smiled warmly had him. She saw the dark circle under his eyes and scolded him as soon as there was an opportunity which presented itself as Mr. Carson loudly complained that the paper had been delivered wet again.
"I told you not to worry about me."
He smiled at her.
"What tells you I was worrying?"
"The big grey craters under your eyes tell me."
He chuckled.
"I am glad that you feel better today", he said and even dared to take her hand under the table.
"I do. But will you be fit enough for the treatment tonight? Or will you fall asleep under my touch?"
His thumb caressed the skin on her hand and Anna could feel how relieved he was that everything was fine again.
"I'll do my best not to."
And with a little lower voice he whispered:
"I really long to see you tonight."
Goosebumps spread on Annas back and she smiled.
"Well, if there is longing involved, I really should come, shouldn't I?"
John smiled that crooked smile that made her heart jump and he lovingly squeezed her hand. Mr. Carson sat down, the argument was over, so Annas and Johns private conversation had to stop, too.
The day rushed by and before she knew, Annas was standing in Johns room again. He silently closed the door and Anna was about to walk over to the desk, but then Johns arms laid around her waist and pulled her against his chest. He held her tight while he buried his nose in her neck, inhaling deeply.
Anna closed her eyes and leaned into his embrace.
"I missed you so much yesterday night. It is unbelievable how much it pains me to be separated from you, even if it's just one night."
Johns confession warmed her heart and she laid a hand on his cheek.
"I missed you, too."
"I love you."
Those three simple words were the most beautiful thing that John could ever say to her.
"I love you, too, John."
She turned around in his arms and looked into his dark, expressive eyes.
"You doubted my feelings for you again, didn't you?"
He smiled and the little crinkles at the corners of his eyes made his face look softer.
"Just for one second. I swear. Then I thought that you had worries and didn't feel like you could talk to me. You know you can talk to me, don't you? About anything."
She watched her hand sliding over the warm skin of his cheek over and over again. She could touch him forever, everywhere. She grinned as a thought crossed her mind.
"Well, if I remember correctly, I am not allowed to talk about certain topics. You know, the ones that make you want to throw me on a bed and make love to me."
He chuckled and pulled her even closer. His hands slowly slid up and down her back.
"The prohibition of these topics is just out of self-defense, my love. You don't want me to get a heart attack, do you? I am not the youngest fellow, as you might remember."
Anna chuckled. How she loved their little playful verbal exchanges.
"Of course I don't want you to die. But I wouldn't mind to be thrown on a bed…"
She didn't need to finish the sentence to make him kiss her. Tenderly and savouring. When the need for air became urgent, they separated. Their forehead rested against each other and Anna and John enjoyed being close again.
"Well", John said, his voice husky, "after we established this, don't you want to tell me what was going on yesterday?"
He took her by the hand and Anna was surprised to be lead to his bed. They sat down, John still holding her hand. Anna felt bad that John obviously thought that something terrible must have happened. And she felt bad that the fact that they were sitting on his bed made her feel warm...
"Nothing was going on. I just..." she let out a sigh. That was really uncomfortable. She thought she was confident about it now, but admitting this to John wasn't easy somehow. He always had thought her to be pure. She didn't want to ruin this picture.
"What is wrong?"
"It's really embarrassing. Yesterday I was cleaning in the living room and then Ethel and that officer came in..." she looked at him questioningly.
"I know. She is all over him."
"Without a doubt. They were kissing and hugging and...well..."
John looked at her and squeezed her hand supportingly. Anna sighed again. She just should get out with it:
"He told her that he wants to see if she was a redhead everywhere and that he wanted to caress her most intimate part with his tongue until she screamed."
There it was. Anna looked down. John needed a second to let it sink in.
"Well, now we know for a fact that he is no gentleman at all. I'm sorry that you had to hear this."
Gosh, she hated herself. John thought that she had been appalled and shocked by this. Well, she had been of course, but...
"That's not everything."
"Did he say more?"
"No."
Anna averted her eyes. Her cheeks turned red and her heart beat faster.
"Of course I was shocked to hear those barefaced words, but what really upset me was that...I can't tell you. You will despise me."
John laid a finger under her chin and lifted her head so that she had to look at him. His look was serious.
"I could never despise you, Anna. I love you."
But would he still love her when he heard what those words did to her?
"Just get out with it. A problem shared is a problem halved."
He smiled at her, but she looked away again. She realised he wouldn't let it go. And a part of her wanted to talk to him about it, if she was honest. He was older and a lot more experienced than her. Maybe if he told her that she wasn't a slut or worse, she wouldn't feel bad about it anymore.
"Well, then. After I heard those words, I couldn't stop picturing it. Not Ethel and him of course...but you and me."
Her face was hot. She must look like a tomato, she thought to herself.
"I wanted you to do it to me, John. I wanted you so much I didn't dare to be alone with you. Gosh, how awful that sounds. I am a slut!"
She buried her face in her hands and wished that she hadn't confessed it. But just for one second, before she heard John chuckle. Totally surprised, she looked up.
"You find this funny?!"
"A little."
He looked at her with a boyish grin on his face.
"I thought you had erotic dreams about me all the time?" he joked.
"Not all the time" she weakly protested and he chuckled again. As he saw how upset Anna was, he gently raised her hand to his lips and kissed it.
"My love, I forbid you to call yourself anything but a lady. I told you once that you were the finest lady to me. Do you remember?"
How could she not remember this day, where she had poured her heart out and with that changed their lives forever? She nodded.
"I still think of you this way, even though you tried to seduce me so many times."
She looked at him shocked, but he grinned at her teasingly.
"You have every right to feel desire, love. I thought you knew that. It's part of who you are. There is nothing to be ashamed of. And I have to admit, the fact that someone as lovely and beautiful as you desires me, is very very wonderful to me."
Anna smiled at that and at once she felt relief wash away the shame.
"So you don't think low of me now that you know my dirty thoughts?"
He chuckled.
"Love, you have no idea what dirty thoughts are. If you would be in my head, you would call me a slut."
Anna laughed.
"Or just a man. Men are only thinking about one thing. That's what my grandmother told me."
"And she is absolutely right."
They laughed again. John was so light-hearted that Annas troubles turned out to be nothing, that he couldn't stop himself from teasing the lady of his heart a little more:
"In fact, right now all I can think about is the fastest way to open the buttons of your dress."
Anna grinned, happy again, and laid her arms around Johns neck.
"Did you work out a plan, yet?"
Without hesitating, his arms where around her waist, pulling her close to him. His fingers moved upwards to her neck, gliding under her dress, fumbling with the first button. A shiver ran down her spine and she forgot everything. John was all she could see, feel, smell and think about. Anna allowed herself to close her eyes and enjoy his finger on her neck and his breath on her cheek for a moment.
"Hmm...they are quite tricky. I guess there is no way of opening them fast without ripping the fabric apart..."
John whispered in her ears while pretending to look at the button.
"Would you do it?" she asked just as quietly, laying a hand on his chest.
"What?" he asked.
"Tear my clothes apart to undress me faster?"
They looked into each others eyes, then looked down at the lips of the one another.
"No, I would not. At least not the first time."
"What would you do?"
John grinned again.
"Do you want me to say it out loud?"
Anna smiled impishly.
"Yes. Talk dirty to me."
They both chuckled.
"You really think you can handle it? What if you want to lunge at me again? We already are alone on my bed, in case you didn't notice."
"Oh, I noticed."
John thought about it for a second. Being close to her, here on his bed, definetly had an effect on him. Should he really dare to go further? They had just agreed to behave a couple of days ago. Should he break his own set up rules? The thinker in him didn't like it, but the man in him wanted this to go on. He wanted to dream a little about their first time, wanted to share his thoughts with the woman he loved. John was in the mood to play.
"Well, you better brace yourself, then. I just have to warn you: I never did this before...talking dirty to a woman."
"So you just talk dirty to men? Should I be worried about this?"
John grinned. To punish her, he opened the first button he was nestling with. He heard her gasp and smiled triumphantly.
"On our wedding night, when we are in our own little cottage, I will lead you to the bedroom. It will be lit only by candles, the bed fresh-made and inviting. First thing I will do is to take your face into my hands and kiss you tenderly to show you how much I love you. Still kissing, my hands will start wandering over you body...first your shoulders, then you back...your hips...to rest on your sweet little buttocks."
Anna giggled but John ignored it and leaned forward a little more.
"I will cup your cheeks with my hands and will massage them while pressing your lower body against mine. Then you will know how much I longed for this night to finally come."
Anna closed her eyes. She had felt his manhood that one time when he had pressed her against the wall and she tried to remember how this had felt.
„After I tasted your soft lips, I will start to undress you. Every inch of your body that will be revealed I will kiss. Your neck, your shoulders, your arms…your breasts."
Johns voice broke and he closed his eyes. Annas mouth opened slightly. Her breasts were tingling and she could almost feel his lips on her nipples, although she had no idea how that would feel. But she imagined it to be amazing.
"When you are completely naked, I will admire your body in all its beauty before I will lay you down on the bed…"
"Wait a minute." Anna opened her eyes. John also opened his and looked at her, his eyes dark and intense.
"What about you? I want to undress you, too."
He smiled. She smiled, too, and laid her arms around his neck.
"So when I'm naked and you'll have admired my body enough, I will remove your tie and your jacket."
To show him how she would do it, her hands wandered from his neck to his chest, slipping under the heavy fabric and pushing it over his shoulders. Their faces were close and John looked deeply into her eyes.
"I thought we were just making conversation" he joked, smiling.
"Conversation with extras" Anna shot back. "You're way too dressed for my taste."
With a scolding smile he removed his jacket and laid his arms around her again.
"So, you'll remove my jacket and my tie. What next?"
John had really fun doing this, Anna thought and grinned.
"I will remove your west, too, and then I will run my hands over your chest, down to your belt…"
John looked down on her lips. Anna could feel his tension and the desire that evaporated from his body, surrounding her.
She lifted her head a little so that their lips almost met.
"I will open it, then the button of your pants to slide into it with my hand…"
"Don't you think that's a little brisk?" he whispered.
"You will be mine, then. I will be allowed to have my way with you."
John burst into a laugh.
"You're impossible", he joked and kissed her, more passionate this time, his tongue immediately entering her mouth and playing with her tongue in a way that was supposed to arouse her. As if she needed to be aroused more! All of her body was hot and tingling already.
John was in a similar condition. He was surprised that simple words could have this effect on him. But it was Anna who spoke them and she was the one he was talking about. It was all her. She did this to him. He never desired a woman this much. She was here in his arms, kissing him eagerly, clung to him like he was the only solid thing in the world. What wouldn't he give to be in their own home and married right now. He would be a very happy man if that ever happened…and probably hardly ever got out of bed…
Finally, Anna broke the kiss and leaned back a little. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes sparkling. She never looked prettier, John thought.
"Let's not forget what we were talking about. I think I had my hand down your pants, exploring."
He chuckled.
"You're not finished with me, are you?"
"Not at all" she grinned impishly and continued their little game.
"I won't retreat my hand before you moan into my ear. I love it, when you do that."
"When did I ever moan?"
"Oh, you know. And once we're married, you will do a lot more often."
"Oh, boy", was all John could say to that. His hands were on her back, gently rubbing it. This was safe, he thought, fighting against the need to touch her in more intimate places.
"I will unbutton your shirt now, my hands trembling for sure. It will be hard to be patient."
"Couldn't agree more", he whispered hoarsely and stole a brief kiss from her lips. But Anna pushed him away.
"Once the shirt and the pants are gone, I will press my hot body against yours, feel your skin on mine. Nothing in between."
Boy, she is so damn good at this, John thought desperately. He could feel his manhood pressing against his trousers painfully. Maybe it was time to stop this now…
"Anna, love, I can't take much more", he admitted huskily.
"Just tell me one more thing."
She looked up at him.
"Will you be gentle or passionate?"
He had to close his eyes again. Anna was too close. He couldn't think straight.
"I will do whatever you want me to", he whispered.
"And right now? Could you still be gentle? I know I couldn't."
She is trying to kill me. She definitely is...
He opened his eyes again. Her lips were slightly apart, ready to be kissed again. John wanted her. Now. He needed her. But when there was one thing that John Bates was good at, than it was denying himself the things he needed most.
"No, I couldn't be gentle now, Anna. And this is why we have to stop at once. I don't want it to happen like this. The first time I'll make love to you, I want it to be with outmost care and pleasure."
She smiled at him.
"You're sweet."
"Thanks", he replied, not knowing if she made fun of him or not.
"No, I mean it. I am a lucky girl, having someone who puts my interests over his own. You're the best of men. And you're mine."
Anna hugged him, resting her head against his chest where she could hear his heart beating. John wrapped his arms around her and buried his nose in her hair. He closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. It still was hard to believe that anyone would think of him so highly. But Anna did. He wasn't worthy of her opinion of him, but God knows he would do all he could to be one day.
"I love you, Anna. I always will."
"Me, too, John."
Her voice was unsteady and John wondered if she cried, so he pulled her chin up. Her eyes were indeed wet, but she smiled at him.
"I best get to work, before it's getting too late and you throw me out of your room again."
"Anna…my sweet Anna…"
His thumb was caressing her cheek as he sunk into her eyes. He loved her so much…
Closing his eyes, he kissed her once more, but this time he was tender, careful, as if she was made of glass and could break any second. Anna responded to his kiss, tried to be just as gentle. It took quite some time until they separated again. Without saying a word, Anna got the creme and kneeled down, going to work. Words weren't necessary anymore. It had all been said and their hearts were so filled with love that they could burst. Even when it was time to leave, Anna didn't say anything, she just came into Johns opened arms and kissed him again in this most wonderful way.
~oOOo~
A/N2: Hope you liked the chat between John and Robert. I tried to bring out their subtle but deep friendship. Did this transport to you? Is that the way you say it?^^
By the way, a thing I can't stop wondering about since I watched the court hearing of Bates: Where did the attorney get his information? How could he possibly know that Mrs. Hughes and O'Brien overheard John's and Vera's conversations? In my opinion, that's just illogical. Or did I miss something? You guys are so damn lucky that the 3rd season is about to begin in UK. So jealous! :(