Chapter 9: Afraid
" Feeling afraid is a normal human emotion. As normal as breathing. It's what you do about being afraid that will make or break you."-Unknown.
I watch Carly-Ann sleeping, one arm flung over her purple hippo and the other hand resting under her cheek, and my heart aches. Tomorrow's the day that I go into court and fight for my daughter.
" She asleep?" Michael's soft voice murmurs from beside me and I nod, turning so that my body is pressed next to his, one arm around his waist while my head rests on his chest.
" What if this is the last time that I get to watch her sleep?" I ask, my voice breaking as hot tears of fear burn in my eyes.
" Dani," he whispers his arm tightening around me as he leads me from Carly-Ann's room, down the hall to his room, " Sit." I climb up onto his bed, bracing my back against the head board, pulling my knee's to my chest.
" I'm scared Michael. Scared because tomorrow can be the day that someone takes Carly-Ann away from me," I say burying my face in my hands.
" Baby," he whispers pulling me into his lap, " That isn't going to happen."
" You don't know that. What if the judge feels that I was wrong for never making the effort to find Nathanial and introducing him to his daughter? What if the judge is sympathetic with him and decides I'm not doing a good enough job on my own," I cry, my body racking with sobs, " It isn't fair Michael. She's my little girl. The reason I get up every morning, the reason I work so hard. Having her is what has pushed me to be the person that I am. He was never there. He missed ever moment, the big ones, and the small ones. Now all of a sudden he can just up and decide he wants to take a shot at being a Dad? Does he not realize the emotional rollercoaster this is putting Carly-Ann through? Does he even care? You didn't see him Michael, at the deposition. He looked the same. Same hair, eyes, same everything, right down to the gleam of coldness in his eyes. I cant allow my daughter to be subjected to him. Carly-Ann, she's bright, pure, innocent, and being around Nathanial, that will only drain that from her. How can this be happening? What did I do wrong? Is it because I got to comfortable? Was it wrong to think because I was finally doing a job I love, Carly-Ann is happy and loved more than any other child in the world, that a man loves me and I love him, that everything was going to be okay for once?"
" Shh, Dani, it's going to be okay," he says lifting my face to his, " You aren't being punished Daniella. Your being tested. Everyone is tested in life. Sometimes they are small, inconsequencal tests, and then there are the big one's. The one's that will change you, help shape you. But I can promise you that everything is going to work out."
" How do you know?" I ask, staring at him as he wipes the tears from my face.
" I just do," he whispers, " Something inside of me tells me that everything is going to be okay."
" I hope your right Michael," I whisper curling up in his lap and holding on for dear life, because right now he is the only thing that makes any sense.
I stare in the mirror, trying to collect myself, but its proving to be nearly impossible as I fight another wave of tears.
" Dani, are you okay?" Janet's voice calls through the bathroom door causing me to jump as I turn and fumble with the lock and throw the door open.
" Janet," I say throwing my arms around her, " What are you doing here?"
" You really think that you, Michael, and Carly-Ann were going to go through this alone?" she asks pulling away to look at me.
" What are you talking about?" I ask confusion setting in when she drags me from my room. I walk hand in hand with her down the stairs, and turn into the living room to find Rebbie, Katherine, my mom, Brandon, and Kyle all sitting and waiting, " What, what are you all doing here?"
" We're here for support. We're going to sit in the court room, right behind you," Brandon says getting to his feet, crossing the room to hug me. I hug him tightly feeling a renewed sense of hope.
" All right so like I've told you before this kind of proceeding is a little different then others. I will question you, as will Nathanial's lawyer, and vice-versa. Some other people will be questioned. Carly-Ann's pediatrician, the social worker. Your brothers and mother both have come to me and said they would like to make a statement. At the end of it all the judge will want to take Carly-Ann into his chamber to talk to her personally, and when that is done, you will be able to make your statement to the judge, as will Nathanial. And then we wait," Jamie says checking her watch as we walk through the court house.
" How long usually, does it take for a judge to come to a decisions," I ask stepping into the elevator.
" A few hours. I've never seen a judge take more than a day to come to a decision," she says running a hand over my shoulder. The elevator doors open and I take Carly-Ann and Michael's hands. It's now or never.
" I would like to call Daniella James to the stand," Jamie says, and I nod walking steadily to the front of the court room. I listen only half-heartedly as I'm sworn in. I'm floating somewhere between reality and dream as I wait for Jamie to start her line of questioning. So far everything has gone well. Everytime Nathanial's lawyer has tried to turn bad light on me, Jamie has been successful in turning it the other way around. Carly-Ann's pediatrician testified that she has always been a healthy child, right on target for physical and mental growth. The social worker testified that Carly-Ann is in a nurturing environment, with a lot of love, and is extremely bright for her age. Now it's my turn, and I'm just hoping that I don't drop the ball.
" Daniella," Jamie says leaning against the corner of the desk, " How old were you when you met Mr. Christianson?"
" I was fifteen and a half the first time that I saw Nathanial, but we didn't meet until a few weeks after I saw him hanging around my high school."
" And did you start dating right away?"
" Well he kept asking me out and I kept telling him no because I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen, but as soon as I turned sixteen we were dating."
" How was the relationship?"
" At the time I thought it was a dream come true."
" At the time? Can you elaborate on that?"
" Well, it wasn't until after we broke up that I realized things were never really right. He was jealous about everything. He didn't like the amount of time that I devoted to dancing, so I slowly pulled away from it. He didn't like the rules my mother laid down for us, so I started rebelling. He was very controlling."
" Can you tell us why you and Mr. Christianson ended up breaking up?"
" I had ran away from home and I was staying with him, and that's when I realized at first that things weren't as wonderful as I had thought they were. He would leave me alone a lot, and when he would come home he would be really distant. I found out I was pregnant and when I told him he got so mad. Said I was trying to ruin his life, that I was worthless, and then he proceeded to beat me, badly. I thought for sure he was going to kill me and the baby, but when it was over he just left. He just left me there. So I got up, packed my things and walked home. I never saw him again after that, until now."
" Your honor, there is no proof that this beating happened," Mr. Smyth speaks up.
" And your point? Miss. James was asked why she and Mr. Christianson seperated, and she answered the question. Miss. Colbert you may continue with you witness." Judge Lee Morgan says, his voice carrying an authoritative ring to it that makes me shiver.
" Thank you, your honor," Jamie says, " Daniella, has Nathanial ever tried contacting you before this, ever asked for a relationship to be established between him and Carly-Ann?
" No. In five and a half years, there has never been a phone call, card, letter. Nothing."
" You love your daughter don't you Daniella?"
" More than anything in this world."
" And because you love your daughter, would it be safe to say that you would do what is in her best interest?"
" Yes, I would."
" So would it also be safe to say that if you felt that it was in Carly-Ann's best interest to have a relationship with Nathanial that you would put aside whatever feelings that you may or may not have for him, and allow a relationship to be established?"
" Absolutely."
" Do you feel that it would be in Carly-Ann's best interest to have a relationship with Nathanial?" I take a deep breath and turn my eyes to Nathanial's, searching for any clue that he's changed, and instead I find the same cold, calculating stare he gave me the day that I told him I was pregnant.
" No."
" Thank you, that's all your honor."
" Mr. Smyth your witness," the judge says and I steel myself when Mr. Smyth steps away from his desk.
" Miss James," he says shoving a hand in his pocket, " You say that you left my client because he beat you. If this is the case, why in Carly-Ann's deposition did she say that she has seen you in the past crying when you would look at pictures of him?"
" For a long time I missed him. Well to be more specific I missed the man he was when we were first together. That man would have been a great father."
" Are you still in love with my client?" The question catches me so off guard that I don't have the time to stop the laughter from bubbling out of me.
" I'm sorry. No, I'm not."
" Can you tell me what the relationship is like between Carly-Ann and Michael?"
" Beautiful. Carly-Ann gravitated to Michael from the very beginning. She loves him, and he loves her. He has patience with her. He never tires of being around her. He is, in essence the father that she never had."
" The way you speak about Michael, is different. When you speak about Nathanial you have a cold demeanor, yet when you talk about Michael your face softens, your shoulders relax. Would it be safe to say your in love with Michael?"
" Objection, relevance your honor?"
" Your honor I have a reason for asking such a question."
" Then get to it. Miss. James, please answer the question."
" Yes. I am in love with Michael."
" So in love that you would deny my client a relationship with his daughter out of fear of losing Michael?"
" Absolutely not," I say completely disturbed by the way Mr. Smyth has taken his line of questioning, " I grew up with a wonderful father. He was, everything to me. My best friend. If I thought that Nathanial would be, could be that person for Carly-Ann I would put aside my personal animosity for Nathanial so that my daughter wouldn't miss out on that. However, Nathanial cannot be that for anyone, let alone a five year old little girl. He's a selfish, narcissistic, bully."
" But Michael is worthy of being that person for your daughter?"
" Yes."
" Even though Michael is constantly in the press, constantly working?"
" Mr. Smyth, I have worked and lived with Michael for almost seven months, and in those seven months I have worked harder than I ever have. As has Michael, but he has always made time for my daughter. She's been welcome to every rehearsal, every show. Even on the tour, he would always come and read to her every single night, despite how physically exhausted he was. He has been there for some of the scariest moments of my life. When Carly-Ann had to have an emergency appendectomy he was right there with me. When we were in a car accident three months ago he was there for her every day and night while I laid in I.C.U unconscious for a week. To be completely honest with you, Mr. Smyth, that's what a father does, and your client wasn't the one to do it. So yes Michael is exactly the right person to be Carly-Ann's father."
" No further questions."
" You may step down Miss. James." I nod my head as I get off the stand and take my seat next to Jamie once again.
" Great job, this is almost over Dani," Jamie whispers handing me a glass of water.
" I hope your right," I murmur, sipping from the glass as I watch Nathanial take the stand.
" Nathanial, can you walk us through the day that Daniella told you that she was pregnant?" Mr. Smyth asks and I watch as Nathanial sits up a little straighter and opens his mouth.
" I went out early that day, and spent most of it with some friends of mine, and when I came home I knew something was wrong. DanI, erm, Daniella, was really quiet, so I asked her what was going on. She started crying, which broke my heart because I didn't know what was wrong, and that's when she told me she was pregnant. I'll admit I was caught off guard. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I was only nineteen, and I didn't know the first thing about babies, but I held her, and I promised her that everything would be okay. I told her that I was going to get dinner, and I left. I went to Leo's, its this little Italian restaurant, where I took her on our first date. I even picked up a dozen roses, her favorite flower. I wanted to celebrate. The girl I loved was having my baby, and when I got home she was gone. All of her things, everything. It was like she disappeared into thin air," Nathanial says, his voice weakening at the end. I roll my eyes slightly. Mr. Smyth was a good couch, and Nathanial was a grade A student.
" Did you try getting in touch with Daniella after she left?"
" Yes. I tried calling her mother's house, but there was never any answer. I even went by there one day, about six months later but I couldn't find the courage to go to the door."
" Do you want a relationship with your daughter Nathanial?"
" More than anything in this world."
" That's all your honor."
" Miss. Colbert your witness."
I watch as Jamie gets to her feet, one hand sliding elegantly to the front pocket of her blazer, the other nonchalantly playing with the rope necklace around her throat. I notice the gleam in her eyes. I know that gleam. She's onto something, and I sit up just a little straighter in my seat, taking a deep breath as she begins her questioning.
" Mr. Christianson, you say that you went out the night that Daniella left to get dinner," Jamie says, " and when you came back she was gone. Now, if you were so excited and happy about Daniella having your baby, wouldn't you have gone out and tried to find her that night?"
" Yes."
" And yet there was no phone call made to Daniella's mother's house that night from you, you didn't come to the house, nothing?"
" I was hurt. I love that girl more than anything in this world and she just up and left me. I was scared, and confused."
" You were so hurt, scared, and confused, yet did you or did you not go out that night with a group of your friends and state that you were in fact happy that you were finally 'rid' of her?"
" No."
" I will remind you Mr. Christianson that your under oath, and lying under oath is considered perjury."
" No I did not go out that night and brag that I was finally rid of her," he answers his voice growing angry.
" I would like to note that we have a sworn and signed statement from a Mr. Caleb Lewis, that on the day that Miss. James left Mr. Christianson he was in fact out with Caleb Lewis, Joshua Tanner, and a Matthew Gruber. It states that they drank, Mr. Christianson getting the most inebriated of the bunch and he proclaimed more than once he was glad to be rid of Miss. James. In fact, it is also in Caleb Lewis' statement that he always felt you didn't deserve Miss. James. Now I will ask you again Mr. Christianson, did you or did you not go out with your friends the night that Daniella left you and that you were happy about it?"
" Yes I did."
" Have you ever tried contacting Daniella about establishing a relationship with Carly-Ann?"
" Yes."
" When?"
" I don't know exact dates."
" Okay, guess around when you did try contacting Daniella." Nathanial squirms nervously in is seat as he brings his hands up to the podium, fidgeting with his fingers.
" I didn't," he murmurs and my eyes flash towards him.
" Excuse me? Can you repeat that?"
" I said I didn't. Okay? Jesus. I ran into a few of Daniella's friends a few years after she left. They said she had gone to college, they didn't say anything about a kid, so I figured she either aborted it, or put it up for adoption. I didn't think about it again until a few months ago when I saw Daniella, Michael, and Carly-Ann in a magazine. They looked so happy together, and it hurt. I realized in that moment that, that picture, should have been us." I stare at him, his eyes lit with real emotion this time and I cant help but feel some sympathy for him.
" That's all your honor."
" I would like to talk to Carly-Ann in my chambers for a few moments, if it would be all right with Miss. James that she comes to speak with me." The judge says and I nod my head before turning to nod at my Mom. I smile down at Carly-Ann and pray that this goes by as quickly as possible for her.
The minutes tick away slowly as I nervously drum my fingers on the desk. Carly-Ann has been in Judge Morgan's chambers for close to forty five minutes and with every second that ticks away I grow more and more impatient.
" Dani, you okay?" Jamie asks, and I shake my head.
" Does it usually take this long?" I whisper, my fingers tightening on the arms of my chairs.
" Sometimes. Listen. You did great, and everyone who spoke on your behalf did great, not to mention the fact that Nathanial lied on the stand, there's a pretty good chance that you are going to walk out of here with your daughter," she says rubbing my back comfortingly. My head snaps up when the door to the chamber opens and Carly-Ann comes out beaming, a red lollipop in her hands as she walks back to her seat.
" At this time, I would like to hear from both Mr. Christianson, and Miss. James before I call for a recess and deliberate," Judge Morgan says and I watch out of the corner of my eye as Nathanial gets to his feet.
" Your honor I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I'm in no way perfect, but all that I'm asking for is a chance, a chance to be a part of my daughters life. I've grown up a lot, and I just want to get to know my little girl," Nathanial says his voice brimming with emotion, however I cant help but think negatively. After nearly six years of no contact with his daughter, that's all that he can say? He made mistakes? He wants another chance?
" Thank you," Judge Morgan says, turning to look at me. I take a deep breath and get to my feet.
" I wont say that the last five and a half years haven't been hard, because if I did I would be lying. But despite how hard its been I wouldn't take a moment back. I was sixteen years old when I had my daughter, and everything that I have gotten I had to fight for twice as hard as anyone else. I don't mean to speak bad about Nathanial I have worked really hard to bury the anger and pain that he caused me, but he wasn't there. He made that choice. He wasn't there when Carly-Ann had colic and the only way to soothe her was to sit with her on a running dryer, or the countless nights spent driving around town with her because that's the only way that she would fall asleep. He never saw the pain in her eyes, or heard the tears in her voice when she would ask why her Dad never wanted her. He doesn't know the little things either. Like she cant sleep without her purple hippo, and she loves the smell of rain, and she hates, absolutely hates broccoli. He chose not to know those things. I would like to think that if he would have come and made the effort to be a part of Carly-Ann's life that I wouldn't have denied either of them that, but the truth is he didn't. He said so himself. My daughter is my life your honor. Everything that I have or haven't done has been with her in mind. I was sixteen years old when I had my daughter, and as much as the memories of my past with Nathanial hurts me, I wouldn't change anything, I wouldn't take away the pain that I felt, or the abandonment, because the end product was a beautiful little girl. She is everything to me, and the only thing in my life that makes any sort of sense, and I'm just asking you, please, don't take that away from me," I say tears sliding down my face as I take my seat.
" I'm calling for a two hour recess, everyone is to be back in this court room at two o'clock for my final ruling, court dismissed," Judge Morgan says and I take the tissue that Jamie offers me. Its out of my hands and now all I can do is pray.