Don't ever let them see you cheat
Don't ever let them see you bleed
Don't ever let them shake your hand
Don't ever let them let them believe that scam
-Skinny by Filter
When I woke up this morning, I had a massive hangover.
[what the hell happened last night?]
My head ached moremoremore than it did when I didn't eat – and I suddenly had an urge to make art in the toilet.
I rushed to the bathroom and emptied out my stomach. Once I had finished, I leaned over and sat on the bathtub. I rubbed my eyes and my head before something weird started to happen.
my stomach twisted in knots, my bones rubbed together to dust, my intestines were being tugged apart, my body was being crunched together
I tried deep breathing but it wasn't working. I felt like hellmetitsmatch and I couldn't stand up for more than five seconds. I dropped carelessly to the floor and let the coolness from the tiles evaporate into my skin. My stomach was making my body burn and I needed the tiles like a fish needed water.
I felt another presence come into the room and sit down by me. This person put my head in their lap and began to massage my hair and hold my body close.
{you wished it was spencer…or moremoremore importantly – mommy}
"Hush little Carly-kins, Spencer and Angie are exhausted after last night." Ana whispered in my ears.
My stomach erupted at the thought of Spencer and Angie, alone in his bedroom, in the dark.
I began to cry when it became harder and harder to breath. Ana pulled me closer and rocked me back and forth in her arms.
"You'll be okay, Carly-kins, Ana's here for you." She sang into my dying ears.
Her presence should have made me scared and angered but I couldn't help but collapse into her arms and cryuntilalltheriversdriedup.
(nobody else made you feel okay when you were at your lowest)
I stared at the phone as he hung up. I wasn't even sure I knew how to breathe at the moment.
"That's the price you pay to be beautiful," Ana said softly. She carefully took the phone from my hand and put it next to my alarm clock.
that's the price you pay … to lose everything
"But…I….how…I don't even remember what happened last night!" I tried to cling on to the mountain of life.
"Gibby does." Ana sighed out of boredom, beginning to file her nails.
I retrieved my phone and began dialing Gibby's number.
"Hello?" He answered.
"Hey Gibby,"
"Oh hey Carly! Everything alright?"
"Kind of," I replied before shaking my head. "No. Actually everything's not alright…did Freddie tell you?"
There was a long pause before Gibby said anything. "I was with him."
ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod
I nearly choked on my decreasing saliva. "What?"
that's the price you pay … to be nothing
"I was with him," Gibby repeated as if that made everything make sense.
but it doesn't and it never will.
"How? How did it happen?" I began to see black dots cover my vision.
please carly, please eat breakfast
no! she won't!
please carly, please don't let yourself fade away
you're too late!
"It may be because of last night –"
"Do you remember what happened last night?" I asked him before time could run out.
"Of course I do. It started when Sam ordered the Apple Martini –
"This party's getting boring. There's nobody here." Sam complained as the waiter walked away.
"Because everybody's off, getting ready for senior year." I said.
"Who cares about being a senior? That just means more work." Sam groaned.
and moremoremore lying…if I make it that far.
"Come on, Princess Puckett, aren't you a little excited to be one more year closer to getting away from Briggs and Howard?" Freddie asked, snaking his arm around her shoulders.
i wondered if he could feel her b:o:n:e:s.
Sam shrugged her shoulders and Freddie's left arm. "I just wanna get out of that hellhole!"
Freddie chuckled and pulled her closer so that her head was positioned on top of his shoulder. He started whispering something to her and I turned my head away.
a w a y g o e s t h e c a r l y a w a y g o e s t h e s h a y
Gibby leaned over to me. "They should stop being cute."
"Yeah," I whispered. "Yeah they should, shouldn't they?"
[you only wanted them to stop because they make you want to grab gibby's collar and pull him closecloseclose and make fireworks]
"Your Apple Martini, miss." The waiter handed Sam the glass. "And more Cherry Vodka's."
"Actually," I piped up. "Can I…can I have an Apple Martini too?"
I didn't pause because I was nervous::wimpy::scared. I paused because I was dizzy::faint::terrified.
The waiter didn't hide the fact that he rolled his eyes and walked away. Sam picked up her glass and handed it to me.
"Try mine first." She ordered, her ocean eyes focused on my coffee eyes.
I brought the glass up to my lips and let the liquid FALLFALlFAllFallfall inside my mouth and pour down my throat. It tasted like my favorite candy as a kid and it was enticing. I brought the glass up to my lips again but Sam snatched it a w a y.
a w a y g o e s t h e c a r l y a n d h e r n e w b e s t f r i e n d
"See? Isn't it delicious?" Sam teased.
"I want more!"
"You're getting your own!" Sam refused me another sip.
I sighed and drank the rest of my own drink. It tasted so plain after the Martini.
plain…like you.
The waiter came back with my glass of Apple Martini. "My name is Patrick. Don't wear it out."
"We weren't planning to…" Freddie's voice trailed off as the waiter walked on it's path.
"Douche." Sam muttered.
"I think he recently painted his toenails green."
Seddie and I turned to face Gibby in confusion.
"Why…would you say that?" Freddie asked Gibby.
"Because why else would he be in such a crabby mood?" Gibby challenged. "I get crabby whenever I paint my toenails green."
"You paint your toenails green? Why?" Sam nearly choked on her drink.
"It's just something I like to do…" Gibby's voice trailed off and he hung his head low.
I leaned over and patted his head. "Oh don't worry about it, Gibs. Everybody has their own weird little thing they like to do."
Gibby brought his head back up and shrugged his shoulders. "Liquid soap removes the pain."
I saw Sam give me that look – but this look meant "Carly and Gibby, sittin' in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G!"
I ignored her look but watched her finish the rest of her drink in a big swig. "You know what, Carly? Let's dance. You and me."
"What?" I asked in disbelief when Sam pulled me a w a y.
a w a y g o e s t h e c a r l y a n d t h e b u l i m i c
"And then you guys went off to the dance floor," Gibby reminded me.
"Where we talked for a little bit during the song," I remembered.
She pulled to the dance floor and we pushed through the sea of horny boys and slutty girls. Sam picked a spot that was far a w a y from Freddie and Gibby but close to the middle of the dance floor.
"What's up?" I asked her as the music began playing a slower beat.
if i die young
bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
"I like this song." Sam swayed her body softly.
"It's depressing to me," I said. [that's why you listen to it when you fall asleep]
sink me in the river, at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
"I like depressing songs."
I nudged her shoulder. "Of course I know that. You always have."
Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
she'll know I'm safe with you when she sees all of my colors
"You and Freddie know that. My mom doesn't care what type of music I listen to." Sam confessed what had really been eating her. [oh the irony]
"Aren't you and your mom still taking those therapy classes?"
"We stopped a couple months ago because she couldn't afford them," Sam explained. "So when we stopped, she went back to her normal ways."
life ain't always what you think it ought to be
"Stopped paying the bills, screaming at your cat to get a job, making riots downtown?" I sighed.
ain't even gray, but she buries her baby
"I don't think she even knows where I am half the time I'm not at home…or even cares." Sam's eyes were lost in the crowd of people.
"Just because she wasn't ready to be a mom doesn't mean she doesn't care about you," I told her softly, trying to find them again. "And you always have Freddie and me. Forever."
the sharp knife of a short life
well, i've had just enough time
"Forever feels so short now…have you noticed that? Like everything could just end now." Sam worried.
"I try not to think it about," I admitted. "I mean after next year…everything changes. I hate the thought of it."
"We were supposed to do iCarly forever, always stay together forever," Sam reminded me. "What happens when forever ends?"
there's a boy here in town who says he'll love me forever
who would have thought forever could be severed
"Let's not think about that," I pleaded. "Let's just think about tonight. You and me. You and Freddie. Gibby and me. Just us four – forever.
"That's all I remember," I told Gibby. "Everything else is just like that Katy Perry song. It's a blacked out blur, but I'm pretty sure it ruled, damn!"
"You guys were wasted," Gibby emphasized. "Even Freddie!"
"Oh my God-"
"But then I brought you all home, Sam went with Freddie inside his apartment-"
"Oh my God!"
"I don't want to learn the details of last night," I heard Gibby shudder.
"Listen Gibs, I've got to –"
"Are you sure your okay? You don't want to talk about it?"
"…I've got to go pee." I said shyly.
"Oh…never mind."
We hung up and I ran to the bathroom.
When we were shopping for the black dresses, Sam and I decided to go to the food court. She ordered chili fries (268), buffalo wings (430) and a large Coke (460). I got a water bottle (0) and a Greek salad (105).
Sam ate all of her food without hesitation while I drank my water and picked at my salad. While she was swimming in 1,158 calories, I stayed ashore by eating at most 50.
We talked a little bit as she ate : who was going where, who was doing what/who, who Wendy was going to say she met over the summer, what iCarly bit we should do soon, and why Angie was always so peppy.
"I think her mom made her take peppy pills." I said.
"I think she was a cheerleader all her life and never learned when to stop smiling." Sam and her buffalo wing said.
"I think she's fake and secretly trying to steal all of Spencer's artwork." I said.
Sam stared at me with her big blue eyes as she sipped her coke. "Hmm…I think you're right. Who else could be that peppy without a motive?"
"And maybe she's done this before which is why she's so good at staying peppy," I thought aloud.
"Maybe she's a prostitute/spy." Sam suggested.
We stared at each other for a second before we started cracking up. Other teenagers and families looked over to us but Sam and I didn't notice. [they thought we were messed up but they'll never know how right they were]
"I agree with you on the first one though," I said when we managed to stop laughing.
"Tell me," Sam and her drink asked me. "Why do you hate her?"
I sighed before answering. "Although I'm happy Spencer's happy and all…but I just can't like her like he does. He and I were always the only two in the house and now she came along. Spencer was always the father I never had – because you know how my dad's away under sea and stuff – and I feel like…"
"She's trying to be your mother?" Sam finished for me.
that's why you'll always be my best friend
I nodded but didn't say anything else.
"If Angie ever tries to take that spot, you're not going to do the corny thing and accept it. You're going to put her right back in her spot – Spencer's girlfriend. Not Mommy Dearest, not Mother, not Mom, but Angie." Sam instructed me.
that's why you'll always be my best friend
I smiled a little. "Thanks Sam…only you understand why I can't accept it all."
Sam shrugged it off. "We've been best friends since we were what, eight? I know everything about you, best friend."
My smile s p r e a d across my face and I leaned over and crushed Sam.
{could you feel her ribcage?}
"Aw, Carly, I get enough PDA from Freddie!" Sam pretended to shake me off but gave me a little squeeze.
{could she feel your hipbones?]
I laughed a little as we stood up. "Ready to go?"
"Bathroom."
That was the only word I needed to hear before my stomach began c:h::u:r::n:i::n:g in uncomfortable ways.
"I'll guard the door?" I confirmed with Sam as we walked to the Doors of Death.
"Yup. And I'll be out in a mom-"
"Wait!" I stopped her as she went inside.
my heart told me to stop her – she's beautifully mine fornever
but my anabrain told me to let her go inside…
"..what should I say if people try to come in?" I settled on.
Sam shrugged. "The toilets are clogged."
She went inside and l/o/c/k/e/d the door behind her. I tried to breathe but the deepdeepdeep feeling inside my stomach didn't allow me to think anything else but pleasehelpsam pleasehelpsam pleasehelpsam.
I watched people walk around me :: drinking smoothies (430), eating chips (150) :: laughing, taking pictures, shopping, #havingfun.
I remembered when Sam and I could just walk around the mall and eat our hearts out – not worrying that one of us would hide it away in her purse or the other would throw it up.
(imissussomuch)
Sam came out of the bathroom a few minutes later looking perfect. Her freshly applied make-up hid the shopping bags under her eyes and pale moon skin. She brushed her hair back into her prettylittleliars ringlets and it looked golden blonde not ugly yellow.
"Your hair looks different –"
"Bought some blonde dye yesterday. It covers all the dead hair." Sam explained, patting her hair. "I put it on a couple days ago but the colors starting to show now."
i tried not to get upset that sam played pretend better than me. i tried to be happy that she was floating in the clouds, singing with the stars while i was 50 calories too heavy to reach her.
I sat there in the bathroom, staring at the toilet. why couldn't i do it?
I sat there in the bathroom, staring at the toilet, finally letting thoughts run through my head.
do i even deserve to live?
are they lying to me?
why hasn't sam called me yet?
why am i slowly dying?
haven't i been on santa's good list?
should i be crying?
I decided to stop thinking and start doing. I stood up, left the bathroom and ran out of the apartment, ignoring Spencer+Angie. (maybe we should give them a couples name)
88.8 lbs can't run all the way there without falling and never getting up. 88.8 lbs needs a car.
88.8 lbs needs to break open freddie's door and make him drive there.
I knocked on Freddie's door and waited impatiently for him to open up.
I waited 1..2..3..4…5.. before Freddie finally opened the door. His eyes were tired and his hair was messy.
"I don't believe you."
We drove in silence, the entire 21.3 miles. The music filled the car, patching the brokenness between me and Freddie. (we can never be creddie. we've lost too much trustouch.)
Once we finally got to our destination, he led me inside and down the white halls. We were stopped but Freddie told them who he was and they let him go with sadsadsad eyes.
I followed him in slow motion, dreading coming up to the room.
room 235…room 236…room 237…room 238…room 239-
"We're here." Freddie said monotonously as we walked into silent room.
I took deepdeepdeep breaths but I found myself shorter in breath than ever. I swallowed faster and faster and blinked moremoremore. I bit my lip and stared into the ocean that no longer flowed.
"Believe me now?" Freddie said even more monotonously.
I slowly nodded my head and stared at the ceiling – praying it would fall on me and I would wake up.
"That's the price you pay to be beautiful." Ana came up behind me, wrapping her freezing fingers around my twigsarms.
that's the price you pay… to lose everything
that's the price you pay… to be nothing
"They declared it over five hours ago," Freddie spoke up in the silent room of hopelessness. "Sam's dead. And there's nothing we can do."
…am I the only one who cried?
I originally had this scene – way back in the beginning before I changed everything – that Carly would die. But then in most anorexia/bulimia stories, Carly dies. So I changed the plot and twisted the ending so that Sam died. And yes… I didn't really want her too – because it makes me very sad – but someone had to… (was it obvious that sam died? just wondering)
The last chapter will be posted sometime this week – hopefully before Friday – and another chapter will be posted next week , with shout-outs to everybody who reviewed/put this story on favorite/alert and one page of the first chapter for the sequel :]
so….did I make you cry? ;]