Disclaimer : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners
Warning : Angst, More Dead People (honestly, if this is coming to you as a surprise...where the hell have you been?)
Notes : If it weren't for Shizzy making me solidify a plot, there would have been smut (or at least soft porn) this chapter, but we have to forego the porn so this story can actually continue (and perhaps eventually end XD). Also, apologies for the wait and sorry this chapter really isn't interesting... It's relatively mellow, but hey, a roller coaster's gotta have its slow points, right? Right. (just keep believing that).
Dedication : To everybody who thanked Shizuka - you guys made her happy n.n Also to everybody who leaves long reviews - I love hearing about what you liked (or didn't like) about the chapter and your thoughts and everything. A part of me wishes that I could go one-on-one with people, going over the chapter, seeing how things come across to different readers and everything xD; Guess I'm a bit of a dork ‹3
Candy Cane : 10 : Distraction
There's a field nearby, with words written in stone: My love will not die. Please let it be known.
This place is dead, it echoes through town. There isn't one voice, I haven't heard a sound.
The planes flew in, their bombs did, too. The city fell flat, the fires, they grew.
When the smoke comes in, it'll color this town, but I'll still have you, So I'll say it aloud:
I'll be your distraction... I'll be your distraction...
The friendship we made, is a waste of our time. There's no one left here, to show future that's kind.
It's a world of hate, gone incredibly wrong. We cared too late, We just followed along.
And the boys went down, with a gun in their hand, their weapon of choice, their knees in the sand.
If that field nearby, was still there to be used, would you ever have known? Those words were for you.
The Hollow shook his head, spraying rainwater from his white hair for a split second. Ichigo's inner world was pouring once again. "This has got to stop…" he grumbled. This was the second death since Nell. The first was Shibata Yuuichi.
He waited until Ichigo was asleep before pulling him into the inner world.
"What's this about?" Ichigo snapped half-heartedly.
"You're pathetic."
"You dragged me in here to tell me that?"
The Hollow snorted. "If you keep this up, you're going to get a lot more people killed," he stated.
Ichigo stared at him, angry and scared. After a moment, he looked away. The rain became sharper, like sleet.
"I know you want to lose that memory, and there is a way I can help, but you have to be willing to do it, or it won't work."
Ichigo looked back up at him. "How?"
The Hollow stepped closer to him. "Are you willing to do whatever it takes to keep those memories from affecting you?"
The boy tensed. "I can't let anybody die because of me…" he whispered. "Yeah. I'm willing."
Renji didn't know whether touching the boy was a good idea or a bad one. He wanted to comfort Ichigo, but he needed something to calm himself down as well. Being around Ichigo and needing to calm him down had abated Renji's frustrations, but now he wasn't quite so sure that would work. Ichigo was a complete mess of emotions and Renji wasn't faring much better.
"I'm sorry…" Ichigo whispered. "I'm…disgusting…"
"You're a lot of things, Ichigo," Renji said, "but 'disgusting's not one of them."
Ichigo lifted his head a bit to look at Renji, only to find the man's back facing him. "How can you say that…?"
"Because I love you, and nothin's gonna change that."
Ichigo rolled over again to face him. "Do you…really mean that?"
"I don't say things like that if I don't mean them," Renji said, looking back at him. "I don't want to ask because I don't want to know, but if you wanna tell me something—anything, then tell me."
The boy watched him, silent for a moment. "I'm sorry…" he repeated, not knowing what else to say.
"If you say that one more time, I'm gonna smack ya upside the head," Renji growled softly, reaching over and running his hand through Ichigo's hair. "I know you have a reason for doing what you did."
"He helped… When… With that – I wanted to forget anyway, and he got rid of the memories for me… I had to do it, or else more people would've died because of me… I wouldn't be able to fight…"
Renji sighed softly and pulled Ichigo into a sort of half-hug. That would be the reason – hell would freeze over before Ichigo did something solely for himself. "Ichii… People would give anything to have a friend as selfless and self-sacrificing as you…but promise me…you'll be a little more selfish from now on. Do something just for yourself every once in a while, okay? Just promise me you'll do that."
Ichigo closed his eyes and snuggled himself into the older man. How do you respond to that? "I—… Okay…" he sighed.
"You have to say 'I promise I'll be more selfish' or else I'm not making you breakfast."
The boy smiled. "Can you deal with me being whiney?"
"I didn't say whiney – I said selfish," Renji retorted, smiling as well.
"Semantics," Ichigo pointed out, nuzzling into Renji's neck. "Yeah, I promise I'll be more selfish," he added softly.
"I'm holding you to that," the redhead said, slipping away, but not before pressing his lips to Ichigo's forehead. "Come on, let's go see what we can dig up for breakfast."
Ichigo took Renji's outstretched hand and helped himself to his feet.
Within five minutes, Ichigo was sitting at the dining table, watching Renji make pancakes.
"I find it weird that you know how to cook," Ichigo said, uneasy with the silence. "I mean, I'm around this stuff all the time and I can barely make a grilled cheese."
"You wanna know what's weirder?" Renji replied. "All I know I learned from Shuuhei."
"You're kidding," Ichigo said with a chuckle.
"Hey, he was my senpai."
"So he taught you how to cook?"
"Well, not exactly," he said, coming over and setting a plate of dollar-coin pancakes in front of Ichigo. "Macadamia-nut pancakes."
"No syrup?"
"Trust me – just eat them."
Ichigo picked up one and took a small bite out of it and learned why he didn't need syrup. The pancakes had macadamia nuts and white chocolate chips, turning them into melt-in-your-mouth breakfast cookies, essentially. "Oh wow – these are good…"
"Don't shovel them down – you'll make yourself sick," Renji warned with a smirk.
"So what do you mean by 'not exactly'?"
"These? Shuuhei made them for me once, way back in my second year at the Academy. I only got the recipe from him – I'm surprised I still remembered it. This is the first time I've made them."
"He was out by then, wasn't he?" Ichigo asked. He remembered Renji saying Shuuhei was a sixth-round student during Renji's freshman year.
"Yeah. He still tutored me, though."
"Damn. You got lucky."
"Yeah, I guess I did…"
"You guys are pretty close, huh?"
"You could say that…" Renji replied cryptically as he sat down on the other side of the table with his own plate of pancakes. He sighed. "What I was trying to say before…"
"You and Shuuhei?" Ichigo asked, guessing at what Renji wanted to say.
Renji nodded. "I was his – his pet. He did what he wanted and I did what he asked in payment for the tutoring sessions. It only lasted for like eight years…" When Ichigo didn't reply, Renji went on. "Look – a lot of things happened that I'm not proud of, but at the time…" he sighed. "Shuuhei was Shuuhei, and I wasn't anything – just a street rat that made it into the advanced class."
Ichigo stayed silent for a moment, nibbling on his pancake. "'A lot of things'…" he echoed.
"Yeah. There were…other people involved. And there was just…a lot of humiliation."
"You did it in turn for tutoring, right? So why did it last for eight years, not six?"
"Because I thought I loved him. But…that wasn't love. If it was, I probably wouldn't feel so sick about it. I wouldn't feel like a whore…"
"You…are not a whore," Ichigo said, using the same tone Renji had when he refuted Ichigo's claim to being disgusting. "Maybe you were, but that's in the past – your past. It is not my business, and you are not a whore," he said firmly. "You want me to learn to look forward, right? Not dwell on the past. So…why tell me anyway?" he finally asked.
"You have a right to know. I don't know if that whole thing screwed me up or not, and I don't want to act like Shuuhei and take you for granted, and I don't want you to act like I did and stay with me even if I'm hurting you."
A pause. "You promised…you wouldn't hurt me… And I believe you."
"Ichii – that's not—" He stopped and sighed. "I'd never try to hurt you intentionally, but I don't know what I might do that would hurt you on accident. You can't just say 'oh, he didn't mean it' or just deny it – you gotta tell me. Tell me anything—everything. Every bit of this is in your control."
"You act like I'm some porcelain doll, like one wrong move could shatter me," Ichigo snapped. He really did find it endearing (and ironic) that Renji was so scared of hurting him – the same Renji that sparred with him all the time and never held back – but at the same time, it irritated him that the man felt it necessary to treat him so delicately.
"Right now, it could. And I'm not talking about just one wrong move – I'm talking about wrong moves that could keep happening over and over again if you don't say anything. Even steel will eventually break if you nick it enough. So you gotta tell me what's wrong and what's right with you, okay? That's all I'm asking."
Ichigo let this sink in for a moment. "You have to tell me, too, then," he said finally. "You can't just make this about me – you've gotta tell me the same things. It's a two-way street, right?"
Renji gave a quirky half-smile and nodded. "Right."
"I'm not that delicate, you know. And I'm not stupid. You would do the exact same things you tell me not to do. You'd keep your mouth shut for my sake, wouldn't you?"
Quirky gave way to a rather defeated look. Renji nodded a bit. "Yeah… I probably would."
"I can take it, Renji. Don't act like I can't and don't you dare try to treat me like a princess."
The redhead chuckled. "Aww, but I was so hoping to see you in a dress," he teased affectionately.
"Renji!" Ichigo snapped, his face going pink.
He smirked. "We got a long time to figure this out, Ichigo. We can take this slow. I don't mind."
"A long time…?" Ichigo echoed, sounding slightly confused.
"It's a long time for you. Even longer if…" He stopped, not sure if Ichigo really wanted to take him up on the offer of being the third division's captain.
"If I go to Soul Society," Ichigo finished for him anyway.
"You don't have to, Ichigo," Renji said. "It's always an offer and the door's always open, but you don't have to accept the invitation – not now or ever, really. We can't force you to leave your life here just for Soul Society's benefit, and we can't force you to become a Shinigami when you die."
"What if I want to? I told you earlier – I don't have a lot left here. I have my family, but…I'm allowed to be a little selfish, right? I love them and I don't want to make them have to deal with my choice, but… Honestly, Renji, I don't have much more of a future here – not one I'd be happy with. Soul Society offers a future that…actually caters to my nature. And then there's you."
"Don't do this for my sake—"
"I'm not. I'm being selfish, remember?" he pointed out with a smirk. "I want to live in Soul Society, and I want to be with you, and…and I just want to be happy," he added softly, as if he was scared to admit it. In truth, being ordered to be selfish actually did scare him quite a bit. He hadn't really ever been a selfish child, and he wasn't sure he was even capable of being selfish. But Renji had said it was just wanting to do things for yourself, right? So he'd just started with "I want" and went from there, throwing out the wants that linked to other people's happiness, not necessarily his own.
Renji smiled and moved around the table to sit next to Ichigo. He wrapped his arms around the boy and drew him close. When's the last time you didn't have some sort of pain or sadness in those eyes, Ichigo? "There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. And honestly, I'd be fucking ecstatic to see you happy."
Ichigo gave a weak chuckle. "So would my old man…" He groaned and buried his face against Renji's chest. "I have to talk to him…"
"Well, yeah, that's a give-in…"
"You haven't met my old man for real," Ichigo said pointedly.
"Heh. I guess it'd be a good idea to meet my future father-in-law, ne?"
Ichigo backhanded him in the stomach. "Don't say things like that in front of him."
"Afraid he won't approve?"
"Hardly – I'm afraid he will approve," Ichigo said with a weak smirk.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Song Title and Lyrics: Angels & Airwaves "Distraction"
Words: 2008
Total: 22138