A/N: This chapter picks up right where the last one left off with Roy's confession in Ishval. We've taken some artistic liberties with the story line in this one as well. Primarily, Havoc being with them in Ishval since that was never indicated in the manga or anime and the final scene of this chapter which is loosely based on a scene that did occur in the manga and anime, but that we have altered to suit our story.
"I was in love with you then, you know." Still am, if I'm being honest with myself, he thought.
He wasn't sure why he felt he should tell her now. It was far too late, but he felt he had to say it out loud anyway.
Riza stopped and stared at him. Hers was a look of shock, and happiness, and sadness all in one. "But...why didn't you...? Why didn't you just tell me?!"
He stopped walking when she did. "I was going to, but there just never seemed to be a good time," he shrugged, just a small lift of his shoulders. It didn't make a difference now. He'd made the mistake and now he had to live with it.
"I wish you had told me. I didn't know, Roy. I always thought maybe you did, but was never sure. I would've-" she paused. She decided she might as well say it, too. "I would've said I felt the same way. I have since that year you taught me how to dance. That and the other time you kissed me. You never said anything so I didn't want to assume you did. That's why I joined. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. If I was here, I could help you and protect you. Plus, I was thinking of joining the military anyway because of my way with guns."
He gave a short, humorless laugh at the irony of the whole thing.
"Looks like we both screwed up then," he said. "I wanted to tell you, but the timing was never right. I didn't want to put it in a letter and something always got in the way when I tried to tell you in person. First your father died, and next I was being shipped off to this God forsaken place." He motioned to the empty landscape around them. "I didn't think it was fair to you to ask you to wait for me, so I was going to tell you after the war if I made it back, but..." He trailed off. She knew how that one ended.
She shook her head and beckoned for him to keep walking with her. "The military doesn't have to be a permanent thing, you know. But I know you and I have worked too hard not to earn our place here. This battle is terrible. I'm sure, with your power, you've killed many. As I have done with weapons. And it may not mean as much to you as it does to me, but I for one am glad that at least we can be here in the dark times together, fighting side by side." She sighed. The fates were certainly crue for throwing them into this situation. "Considering the law, I'll understand if you don't want much to do with me."
He looked at her out of the corner of his eyes as they walked. "Hey, now, none of that. Of course I still want you around. Who else is going to watch my back for me?"
He was trying to make light of the situation, but really he felt worse now than he did. She felt even more out of reach than she did before now that he knew he could have had her if he had just been man enough to tell her how he felt so long ago.
She gave him a look, then smirked a little. "True enough. You were nearly killed the other day because your senses weren't focused. I bet you were in incessantly chatting with that Hughes guy." Her expression was solemn. "If I hadn't been there, you could've died. Do you understand what it would've been like to find out you died while I'm left in an empty house waiting to hear from you? The fear? No, I don't suppose you do. However, I am here as a soldier now. Regardless of how inhumane this war is, I still intend to do my duty." She looked back at him. "But I want to keep an eye on you, too."
He smirked a bit at her description of Hughes. If only she knew what they had been talking about.
"And I intend to keep protecting you, as well. After all, your father did ask me to look after you."
"I'm the hawk's eyes around here." She teased. "My eyes are better than yours."
A few more weeks passed with no end in sight to the war. Roy returned from a mission. Exhausted, he returned to his tent instead of going further into the camp.
Elsewhere in the camp, a group of soldiers were eating dinner around the fire. There was a commotion nearby.
Maes Hughes looked up, startled, as medics ran past. "Wonder what happened?"
Havoc plopped down in a seat across from him, having just returned from patrol. "Rumor has it a state alchemist got ambushed in a mission earlier. It's not looking good." he said. "They haven't released his identity yet."
Riza overheard this because was sitting at the next table over and started to worry. She instantly stopped eating her food. She excused herself and rushed out.
Hughes watched this and smirked, amused. Someone was worried.
Riza rushed through the camp until she came to Roy's tent. She ran inside. "Roy! I mean, Major!"
Roy looked up from the letter he was writing to his aunt, instantly alert. He was on his feet immediately when he saw her expression. "What is it? What's happened?"
Riza saw him standing there in one piece. Relief flooded her and she let out a broken sob. "I thought you were attacked! I'm sorry I burst in on you like this."
Acting on instinct, he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. He had never seen her this scared before. "Hey, it's alright. I'm still here, see?" He took one of her hands and moved it to his chest so she could feel his heart beating.
Tears pooled in her eyes. She had never been so scared in her entire life. She could never leave his side unless she could trust who she left him with. She wanted so badly to be with him and keep him safe. Her fingers on his chest scrunched together, clutching his shirt. She looked into his eyes.
"Feel any better?" He smiled at her and reached up to brush her bangs back out of her face.
"Yes. I'm just so incredibly relieved that you're safe." She wiped her eyes. "Pardon my intrusion, sir." Looked at him. "I'd die...if someone hurt you. I'd shoot them first. But I'd still die."
He couldn't help but chuckle. "I'm sure you would shoot them, too." He wiped away a stray tear for her.
He was touched by how much she cared for him. He knew he shouldn't be holding her like this, but when it was just the two of them, it was hard not to fall back into old habits from before the war.
"I want to go back in time and tell you how I really felt back when I first realized it. I wish I could so badly." She noticed the way he was holding her and knew it wasn't allowed, but it had been so long that she couldn't resist letting him do it. "I've missed you."
In response, he hugged her a bit tighter. "If only it were that easy," he said about going back in time. "It's my fault, too. I should have told you."
He pulled back just far enough to be able to gaze into her eyes. It was killing him to be this close to her but still so far away. "What if, just for tonight, we forget about being the Hawk's Eyes and the Flame Alchemist and go back to just being Riza and Roy?"
She looked up at him, intrigued and enamored, but weary. "I . . . would like that very much."
He looked at her a moment longer, a small smile on his face, before leaning down to press his lips to hers. He kissed her slowly at first, then with increasing intensity. Here with her like this, he felt human again for the first time since he came to Ishval.
Riza lacked the words to express the way she was feeling at this moment. Roy's lips on hers just made sense. It all made perfect sense. He was her best friend. She loved him so much it threatened to burn her alive with its heat. Her lips moved with his, her handed slowly working their way up his back, feeling all the contoured muscles beneath them.
He let her go for a moment to shrug out his uniform jacket. It was hard to pretend they were just Roy and Riza again with it on, symbolizing everything keeping them apart. Left in a t-shirt and his uniform pants, he pulled her back to him, one hand on her waist and the other at the back of her neck as he continued to kiss her.
Riza moaned slightly. This feeling building up inside her chest was too incredible, too intense. How she had missed him. Missed the feel of his lips on hers. She brought a hand up to run through his hair before resting it just above his neck.
Against his better judgment, he slowly broke the kiss. How could something that felt so right be considered so wrong? He wished this could last forever, but knew that they'dl have to go back to the way things were tomorrow.
She was breathless. She gazed into his eyes and smiled softly. She could tell what he was thinking, because she was thinking the very same thing. "I-I still love you. I always have."
He pulled her against him again, hiding his face in her hair. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to maintain whatever self-control he still had. "I feel the same."
She held him to her. She wished they could stay like this forever. "What would Roy and Riza do now?" She asked quietly. Her heart was racing.
He smiled slightly. He kissed her forehead and then her cheek. "Whatever they want to do," he murmured softly against it. "Although, I think Roy might like for Riza to finally have all the letters he wrote her." He reluctantly pulled away from her and reached under his cot. He returned after a moment with the bundle of letters he'd kept. "Here."
She frowned and slowly took them from him. She looked through, observing all the postmark dates. "How did you even get these?" she asked, genuinely confused. Had they all been sent back here to Ishval?
"Mrs. Delford gave them to me. I went back to visit you when I was on leave...but you weren't there anymore. She found me in town and broke the news," he explained. " She'd been holding onto them in case you ever came back. I wrote to you at least once every month that I was away, but I never got any responses after the first few. She told me there'd been some sort of blockade keeping the mail from going through for months and that no one knew about it until all the letters came flooding in one day." He frowned. "I really thought I'd never see you again after that day."
Her eyes widened in response and tears threatened to escape. "I never knew. Roy, I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I thought….I thought maybe you had died! Or that you'd...forgotten about me. I couldn't stand the waiting any longer so I decided to get out of that house. It held nothing but painful memories for me. Especially when I thought you'd never come back." A tear managed to trickle its way down one of her cheeks. She clutched the bundle of letters tightly to her chest in a sorrowful embrace. He'd come to see her, and she hadn't been there! She felt like a fool.
"It seems like all I ever do is make you cry," he said softly. "I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention...I just thought you should have them since they were meant for you. I had gotten flowers for you too, that day, but I'm afraid I don't have those anymore."
The comment about the flowers made the knife in her heart twist, and she broke into more tears. She bit her lip to stifle her sobbing, embarrassed. It was too much. Too many emotions were overflowing from her, and it felt as though her chest would break. Sadness, and regret, all of it was so heavy. She brought a hand up to hide her face from his view. "I...should probably get back. Thank you for the letters. I'm sorry, again." She turned to go.
He stepped forward and caught her wrist before she could leave then gently pulled her into his arms. He held her there tightly against his chest. "Don't apologize. You did what was right for you and I understand. I know it must have been lonely in that house after I left. I just wish I could have been there for you. Or that you could have gotten the letters to help you through...then maybe everything could have turned out differently." he sighed. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you about the letters, after all."
She shook her head, keeping her face hidden. "No, it's okay. I'm glad you gave me the letters. You can let me go, I'm fine. I don't want you to see me like this." She tried to push against him. She wanted to run away back to her tent and not come out until morning. She needed a good cry, but she would die before letting him watch her have one.
"I'm not going to let you be alone, not like this." For years he hadn't been able to be there for her when she needed someone and he wasn't going to let that happen ever again if he could help it. "I love you, Riza Hawkeye. Nothing is going to change that. You don't have to hide from me."
Of course this only made her cry harder. She knew he wouldn't let her go. He was such a stubborn man. She lifted her arms to return his embrace as she tried to stop the tears. At least long enough to convince him that she was all right. "I...love you, too." She muttered against his chest.
He rested his chin on top of her head and closed his eyes."I'm terrible at this whole comforting you thing, aren't I? I'm trying to make you feel better, but you just keep crying more…"
"Just...don't speak for a moment. Just hold me." she whispered. "Just for a moment, Roy. Then I really should go back."
True to their word, they only let themselves slip back into old habits that once during the war. After that, they returned to being the Flame Alchemist and the Hawk's Eyes. They did what was asked of them in the name of serving their country and never looked back. They had both made the choice to be here and they would follow through with it regardless of their personal feelings.
Some days were harder than others. The guilt of everything they had done, all the lives they had taken, would weigh on each of them heavily. On these days, they would often seek each other out between missions and patrols. They'd sit together somewhere in the camp and talk. Sometimes about the war, sometimes about other things. Hughes and Havoc would join them when schedules permitted, but it wasn't often that all four were available at one time.
Riza held her cup in front of her, the circles under her eyes were the darkest they'd been yet. Her hands were shaking, which was very unlike her. As a sharpshooter, she always had steady hands and perfect focus. Right now all she could think about was all the blood. "I just don't understand how any of this could come to pass. Why are we killing the people of our own country? The ones we are supposed to be protecting?" she said aloud to no one in particular.
Havoc sat in their circle, a guilty and gaunt look on his face. He couldn't answer. He had no answer. It was out of their hands and they all knew it. They were following orders, but it didn't stop them from feeling like villains.
Mustang stared blankly at his hands, the same hands that had been used to kill so many. He didn't have an answer for her either.
Nearby, Kimblee scoffed. "Killing is part of being a soldier. You can't possibly tell me you thought you'd be able to keep your hands clean when you joined the military. You're the one who made the choice to be here. You knew what you would be asked to do."
Riza looked over at him, horrified by the truth of his words. Her hands began to shake even more. "But…" she started, but couldn't even form a rebuttal.
Kimblee continued. "You're kidding yourself, Hawkeye. Don't tell me you don't enjoy it. You pull the trigger, your aim is true, and your target falls. Don't you feel a sense of pride in your skills when you do it? Doesn't it feel even the slightest bit satisfying? Acting like it bothers you this much is foolish."
Riza's vision was beginning to blur. She couldn't cry, not now. But she was terrified that Kimblee was able to see through all of them.
Roy could see the effect that Kimblee's words were having on her. He and Havoc both stood, but Roy got there first. He grabbed the other alchemist by the front of his clothes and yanked him from his seat. "That's enough, Kimblee."
Kimblee smirked as he looked at Roy. "There's no sense getting so emotional about any of this. We are simply carrying out orders we have been given. We are their tools." His eyes drift back over to Riza. "If that's what you're going to do, then you should go back home and cry there. The frontlines is obviously no place for a woman like you."
Riza glared at him and said nothing.
Havoc practically growled. "Hey! She's a better man than you are, bastard!"
Mustang couldn't help himself. He decked Kimblee, knocking him to the ground. "Don't ever insult my comrades." He turned to walk away.
Kimblee laughed and jumped up. He slipped his stone into his mouth and smiled malevolently. He braced himself to attack Roy from behind.
Havoc and Riza saw what was happening and moved. They both pulled out their guns and aimed at Kimblee. "Sir, behind you!" yelled Riza.
Roy wheeled around, his hand up and poised to counter an attack. They stood facing each other, each sizing the other up and bracing for an attack.
Hughes came upon the scene just in time. He stood between the two alchemists, arms raised to either side as if willing them to stay apart. "Woah, what is going on here? Do you all want to get court martialed?"
Having his best friend step between them gave Roy pause. He lowered his hand halfway, keeping a careful watch on Kimblee.
Riza doesn't lower her gun even after Havoc does. She doesn't care about anything except keeping Roy safe. Havoc looked at her in shock. "Hawkeye! Come on, you gotta stand down!"
"Not until Kimblee spits out that precious rock of his and leaves." Riza said seriously.
Havoc walked over to stand before Kimblee. "You heard the lady. Cough it up and go away."
Kimblee glared spitefully at the lot of them, but he knew when he was outnumbered. He removed the stone and turned to walk away. "This isn't over, Flame Alchemist."
After Kimblee was out of sight, Hughes wheeled around to face Roy. "What the hell were you thinking?!" he demanded.
"He insulted Hawkeye."
"If you get that bent out of shape every time someone insults one of your friends, you're going to get yourself killed." Hughes lectured. He put a hand on Roy's shoulder and pulled him away from the other two. "I know you're in love with her and all that, but you can't just do something this rash every time you get protective!" He said in a lowered voice.
Riza looked at them curiously, not sure what was going on. She sighed. Kimblee would not be easy to beat if it ever did get serious with him. Hopefully he wouldn't make a move to hurt Roy when she wasn't close by. If he hurt him, ever, and she found out, she would hunt him down and put a bullet between his eyes.
Havoc heaved a big sigh. "Damn. What a pain." He was referring, of course, to Kimblee.
Roy sighed. "I know. I couldn't help it that time, though."
"Well, you'd better learn to control it. If anyone catches on that there's more going on there than just a professional relationship, they'll target her just to get to you. Do you want that?"
Roy stared blankly at Hughes. He hadn't really thought about it from that point of view. "Point taken."
"Good. Besides, she can defend herself. Let her."
A/N: Special thanks to reader Israeli4Sure for the nicest review either of us have ever received on a story! We are so happy to hear our readers are enjoying it. Next chapter will be up on Sunday and will include the last of our Ishval scenes and our take on the removal of Riza's tattoo - J&C