The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf

Chapter 10

No offense meant to the Irish or anyone who takes offense to any of this.

Bobby picked up a rolling pin, began beating himself on the head with it, and vowed to kill someone else before the day was over.

Bobby was wandering the halls of Hogwarts listlessly.

"I feel so… listless!" Bobby said sadly. His brows furrowed. "I do not like being listless. I need to kill someone to make myself feel better."

And so Bobby now wandered the halls of Hogwarts with a purpose: to find someone to kill.

He came upon Neville Longbottom. The boy tripped. No, he couldn't kill Neville Longbottom—the boy might beat him to it.

He then came upon Draco Malfoy. Gag.

He'd kill that pansy later.

Next he came upon Millicent Bulstrode. She could probably kill Draco Malfoy (gag) with her bare hands. He'd have to keep her around.

He came upon some random Ravenclaw, about whom there is very little known. He couldn't kill him/her. There wasn't enough canon information on him/her to make it worthwhile to kill him/her.

He continued wandering with a purpose.

Then Bobby noticed that a crowd was gathering.

Good. He thought. Finally they're going to recognize my greatness.

The crowd continued to gather.

I'm so under-appreciated.

Bobby heard raised voices. It sounded like two boys, probably between the ages of fifteen and eighteen. His keen sense of hearing tuned in on the voices a little more. One sounded like he was approximately five feet and five inches, give or take about a quarter inch. The other sounded precisely six feet, three and one-ninth of an inch.

Bobby hurried on towards the voices.

It did turn out to be two boys. And yes, one of them was five feet and five inches, give or take about a quarter inch, and the other was precisely six feet, three and one-ninth of an inch.

Score, Bobby thought victoriously.

The boys turned out to be Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas. They were arguing. Quite loudly.

Bobby's curiosity was aroused.

Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas were arguing quite loudly about football. Or soccer, if you insist upon being an obnoxious American.

"Football is awesome!"

"Quidditch is awesome…er."

"Oh yeah? Well…. Your MOM is awesomer!"

"What?"

"You heard me, Finnigan."

"WTF?"

"HA! I'm too quick-witted for you, aren't I?"

"Really? Try this one on for size! You smell!"

Dean Thomas burst into tears.

Bobby's eyes narrowed with glee. He would kill the one who made the other boy cry. Boys shouldn't make other boys cry. It was just wrong. Plus the kid had an annoying Irish lilt.

And so, Bobby waited for the crowd to move on.

Which it did, about five minutes and thirty-two seconds later.

"Seamus Finnigan?" Bobby said in a low, creepy voice.

"Yes?" Seamus Finnigan replied in his annoying Irish lilt.

"Prepare to meet your maker," Bobby said serenely.

"Mum?" Seamus Finnigan asked in his annoying Irish lilt.

"No," Bobby said flatly.

"Dad?" The annoying Irishman tried again.

"No," Bobby said, irritation showing in his tone.

"Doctor Johnson?"

"FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN'S SPORK: NO!" Bobby screeched.

Seamus Finnigan wiggled his finger around in his right ear. He seemed to now be deaf on one side…. This may prove problematic, he thought.

"Look, kid, can I just get this over with?" Bobby asked, sounding more and more American every second.

"Oh, sure!" Seamus Finnigan said in his lilting Irish voice.

"Thanks."

Bobby raised his button on high and brought it swiftly downwards, reveling in the deadly hum it made as it swooped down upon its prey.

Bobby smiled, happy for the first time since he had killed that Granger girl. That is, he was happy. Until he heard the voice of that Potter brat again.

"But I wanted to have babies!"

Special thanks to my brothers (who shall be referred to as J and M), who helped me with this chapter simply by saying "You should kill Seamus!" Well, they said more than that, but that's how it all started. They have also helped me make a general plan for chapters 11- 17.

Let it also be known that I have nothing against Seamus Finnigan and that I actually find the Irish lilt endearing and kind of cute. Oh and I personally can't stand the canon Draco. He reminds me too much of a guy I know and hate. I much prefer the fanfiction Draco. Anyway, just remember that my goal through this whole thing is to just have fun skewering everyone that I possibly can.

By the way, I am American. So by skewering Americans, I am also skewering myself. It's all in good fun.