Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.

Sorry this chapter is a little slow, no worries the next with pick up the pace.

Living For

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Its been three days since they have died. Today is the funeral, Thursday of all days. I'm not sure who set up arrangements but I wish I was included. Even wordlessly I could have helped, been there for support. So the last two days have been, in the words of Darry, 'As good as could be expected.'

Tuesday I woke at four in the morning, Sodapop was sleeping next to me soundlessly. For a moment that early in the morning I thought everything was back to normal. But I know better than that, nothing will ever be the same again. I laid there for about an hour debating on whether I should go to school. I was sure that Darry was to go to work, Pony and Soda were to stay home. After laying out all the pros and cons I slid out of bed and hopped in the shower.

It didn't take me that long to get ready and once I was, I patiently waited for Darry to wake up. As I sat at the dinning room table I caressed my face with the sleeve of another one of my father's shirts. This one was a button up as well but it was light green color instead of plaid. I wore a tank top under it with my jeans and converses to top off my outfit. For a while I debated on wearing some of Mom's clothes because that would have pleased her. I'll save that for another day I thought as Darry came out of his room fully dressed.

Brother made coffee for himself and glanced over at the table absently, he did a double take when he noticed me. "Lucy what are you doin up? I thought I would call you kids in today."

I shook my head at the idea. If I stayed home I knew that I would go insane. Probably take another crack at the bar. My hands are feeling a lot better today so I took off the bandage, I wouldn't want to fuck them up again.

"Are you sure you want to go? Are you ready?"

Shrugging was my answer to him. "Did you eat?" I wanted to tell him no and that I wasn't planning on it. My stomach was sick and nothing seem appetizing. But I shook my head no.

Darry tried to get me to eat some toast but I wouldn't do it. All he got out of me was a few sips of OJ, which is one of my favorite beverages but still didn't taste good. After a while Darry was ready and he dropped me off at school on his way to work. He told me to be careful and that if I needed him to pick me up that he would. Putting my hand over his heart I smiled, he told me he loved me too.

The day at school was like every other, excepts with some unexpected visitors. In first hour literature everyone moved their desks away form me like I was a disease or something. I didn't really care though, if they wanted to be immature that was okay with me. The worst part about that hour is that Julie Holland was in there. Me and her were friends in elementary school but she ditched me because she realized that I wasn't good enough for her. It cut me down deep, it hurt Natalia too. The three of us were great friends. Natalia and I are way better off without her.

But there I was trying to imagine I wasn't there even though I chose to be there, I heard them talking about me. People talk shit about me everyday so I really didn't pay attention to it. Later that day Julie came up to me at lunch when I was just sitting there staring off into space. I was outside today and was surprised she would come out in the cold to talk to me. She smiled sweetly at me so I tried to be polite even though she didn't disserve it. With her polished pink finger nails she tapped on the table.

"Lucy I heard about your parents, I'm sooooo sorry." she was using a fake sarcastic voice, all high pitch and annoying. When I didn't respond she made a disgusted face. "Well good riddance, right?"

The soc started to walk away, swaying her hips like she owned the fucking place. I lost it, I leapt across the table and grabbed that bitch by the hair. I dragged her ass off campus so I knew I couldn't get in trouble for beating her up. Sure some people watched from the other side of the road on campus while I beat the shit out of her. Two-bit pulled me off of her, holding me back. Telling me that was enough and that I needed to calm down. I wanted to yell at her and him.

Her face was barley recognizable with all the blood. Julie's perfect perm blond hair was caked in it. She stood up shakily and stared at me frightened. She threatened. "I'll get you back for this on day Curtis, you just wait."

She walked away but not back to school. The rest of the day pretty much was filled with people coming up to me. Greasers would come up and tell me they were proud of me for getting the soc girl. Soc bastards came up to me telling me to watch out. Than there were a lot of people saying they were sorry for my loss. Like Natalia and Rocky, they came up to me crying when they saw me. Telling me if I needed anything that I could come to them.

When I got home no one was there so I just chilled on the couch staring off into space. Mom's friend from work stopped by, Denise. She cried a lot so I made her some tea. The lady is nice enough but I really had nothing to say to her. Her time there was short but it felt like forever. No one was home by four so I went into the backyard to try and do pull ups again.

My hands were still banged up so instead I curled my legs onto the bar. I hung upside down for a while, feeling the blood go to my head. Dallas Winston came into view, he leaned on the pole that I hung on. He told me I should stop being a baby so I flipped him off. It's not my fault I can't speak. Maybe I can speak when they are finally laying in their graves but not now. I can't handle this by myself and I want to run. Dally stared at me for a while and than left when Darry and my brothers got home.

Soda made us blue eggs for dinner, his specialty. All three brothers tried to get me to eat but instead I went to my parents room. I locked myself in there with the dresser again and I laid in their bed alone. My brother's talked about things over dinner. Sodapop mentioned getting a fulltime job at the DX and dropping out to help pay bills. Darry mentioned that we needed to move because we couldn't afford this house. Just down the block he told them. Ponyboy told them he miss Mom and Dad. I didn't sleep at all that night after I heard that. While my brothers lay in there beds asleep I went outside and hang upside-down.

I was like that until sunrise but eventually fell because I woke up on the ground. Must have passed out or fell asleep, either way I woke up not hanging upside-down. Wednesday was pretty much like Tuesday, minus beating anyone up. During lunch I went to the announcement board and picked up a paper with all the gymnastics teem information. I'm still not sure why I did that but its been sitting on the night table on Mom's side of the bed since yesterday.

People came up to me and said they were sorry, most of them I didn't even know. The nurse pulled me in a few times making sure I was alright. She told me that Darry had called the school to keep an eye on me. I didn't mind, he had the right to ask them. Sure I'm sixteen but he's worried about me. He even told me on the way to school. Now that I think about it maybe I should have been listening.

Yesterday morning he had tried to get me to talk, he failed. Soda came along for the ride too, we dropped him at the DX station before I got to school. They both were telling me about funeral plans and how that it was Thursday. Soda wanted me to wear something nice even though I don't own anything nice. Darry told us that the court date was next Friday so we had time to move this weekend and stuff. But really I think he was telling me that I had until next Friday to get my mouth to work. My two brothers would ask me question I couldn't answer because they weren't yes or no questions. It was very frustrating. Before I got out of the truck Darry told me not to beat anyone up, I nodded and went to the jail they call school. Its very cut and dry.

Today, day four of hell, I'm standing half naked in my parents room. I took Soda's advice in looking nice for the funeral. I've been staring into my mother's closet for over an hour now and I've got two hours until the funeral. She has so much to choose from, but only a few that I could wear to a funeral. There are only five black garments in her closet.

Two skirts, two dresses and one shirt. The shirt is old looking and is collecting dust so that's out. So were the skirts if I couldn't wear the shirt with them. That leaves the dresses, a spaghetti strap and long sleeve. The long sleeve one is a little too big for me when I tried it on that leaves the spaghetti one. I haven't tried it on so I might as well just wear it. Before putting it on I hung the other clothes back up.

I was distracted by cry in the room next to me. Its Ponyboy, poor kid is taking this so hard. We all are but I can't imagine what its like for him, he's just thirteen. As I tried to ignore his weeping I pulled the dress over my shoulders. To my left I looked into the body mirror and examined myself. Truly I looked like shit. My hair's wet, there are bruises on my temples and my shoulders are really bony. I guess that was from not eating but who cares, I'm not hungry. As I looked at the girl in the mirror I remembered Dad saying that he loved it when I wore my hair up.

With lots of effort I managed to put my long hair into organized bun. Small little curls fell around my face shaping it. For a moment I though I looked nice but than I noticed the bruises again. Walking over to the dresser I pulled out Mom's makeup kit. I lightly put cover up over my bruised face and hid the bags under my eyes. Stepping back I looked myself over. I looked a lot better without the bags, there was two things missing though.

Mom always hated black so I decided to wear a scarf and gloves to cover my ugly hands. She had a big collection of them and I decided to wear a yellow one around my neck, covering up the necklace Dad gave her. Also I slipped into a pair of yellow gloves that hugged my wrists. Yellow was her favorite color, next to pink. On my lips I rubbed a light color to make them stand out more. Now I was ready.

Wait! My mind shouted, I need shoes. For another ten minutes I debated on just wearing my converse but decided against it. They would ruin my mother's clothes. I grabbed a pair of Mom's black heels, the only pair she had. I suppose I could wear yellow heels but they were all ugly. My feet slid into the heels nicely, I examined them in the mirror. They were closed toe and had a thin strap around my ankle. Now I was ready to go. With a heave I pushed the dresser back in its place and opened the door. I'm the only one that ever goes in to my parents room so I shut the door behind me.

The gang and my brothers were lingering in the living room. They all looked dressed up and a lot more formal than they are used too. Some more than others, regarding the fact that they don't have suits. Johnny was wearing a pair of jeans with a black button up shirt. Dally was wearing the same thing only with the buttons undone with a muscle shirt underneath. Two-bit was wearing black trousers with my mother's favorite Mickey shirt he owned. He wore a black tie around his neck loosely. Steve wore a full suit and tie along with my brothers, it was probably his father's. Ponyboy was crying still but silently next to Johnny, who had his hand on my brother's shoulder.

All of them looked at me, some smiling in approval. They all stared at me for a while before anyone said anything. Two-bit was the first to speak. "Glory Lucy you look mighty pretty."

I wanted to smile and say thank you but couldn't. As I walked across the floor I clicked and clacked with my heels. "Lucy's right, lets go." Soda said.

"The girl didn't say anything Sodapop." Dally said annoyed.

"Don't start Dal." Johnny said as everyone followed me out the door. Darry told me I should ride with Steve because I shouldn't jump in the truck with a dress on. Before he could finish his sentence I was in cab of the truck. Pony slid in next to me on my right and Darry got in on the driver side. The rest of the guys rode with Steve in his car. The ride was silent except for Pony's light sobs.

I put my hand in his as we rode. The ride seemed like it was taking forever and Pony wasn't calming down so I started to hum to him like I did Monday. Darry would glance at me every few minutes and smile while I hummed. By the time we got the cemetery Pony's eyes were dry. Pony helped me out of the truck and I held onto his hand as we approached a growing crowd around two holes in the ground.

We all circled around the holes, leaving a pathway for the coming caskets. Pony let go of my hand and left me alone as he went off with the gang and my brothers. The crowd and me waited for them to return. Natalia and Rocky were on the other side of the holes staring at me, I wanted to tell them to stop. They both were crying too. Crying along with my parents co-workers and friends. People I didn't know showed up, they were crying as well. The officers that told us the news were there and dressed up. I bet they felt sorry for us, who wouldn't?

Most of the men kept themselves composed as they stuck out their chests for strength. Women wore vales over their faces, they held handkerchiefs in their hands dabbing at their eyes. Tim Shepard and his brother were there. Tim had his arm wrapped around Rocky. Those two have always been good buddies, I wonder if they're dating now. I wonder if Curly was okay with that. I wouldn't ask though.

Than I could see them carrying my parents over to their graves. Two-bit and Dally were on the right side of my Dad's casket, Steve and Sodapop on the other. They placed him next to the right hole, that's the side my Dad slept on in his bed. Mom was placed next to the right hole by Darry, Pony and Johnny.

A priest walked up the aisle between people and opened his book as my brother and friends dispersed into the crowd. Soda came up on my left and held my hand but I pulled way. If I was going to be able to over come my heartache this was the place I was going to do it. I needed to do it alone too or else I would never be myself ever again. He looked at me confused so I put my hand over his heart. My twin nodded his head with tears in his eyes.

The priest was praying and speaking to God for my parents. I'm not sure if I will call on God to help ever again. I don't know if I can bring myself to pray to him at night like I've done for this long. He took away my parents. Why did he do that? Was it punishment? If it was why was he punishing all these people. He has his reasons I'm sure but I wish I knew them, it would be easier to accept. We stood there for about thirty minutes listening to him preach. Finally the time has come that my parents be placed in the ground.

Dad was first, while they lowered his body weird things happened. The priest got louder, almost like he was willing me to listen or for God to listen. Light tear drops began to fall from the sky as he said his last prayer for my father.

The whole scene was so surreal. A group of people circled around a priest and dead bodies. The sky overcast and rain falling down from the heavens. As my mother started to get lowered I felt like jumping in after her. My body twitched, I ached to go after her. As she was half way down I could no longer control myself so I had to leave. My stomached turned around and around, dizziness was taking over my body. Vomit was rising in my throat just like it had Sunday night. Once I was about a hundred feet away from the crowd I fell to my knees.

I leaned by body on the tree I was next to. My throat hacked and heaved out anything that I had eaten the last three days, which wasn't much. Whipping my mouth I stood up and walked into the rain. Stretching out my arms away from my body I let each droplet hit my skin. It ran down Mom's dress and dampened my hair. I breathed through my mouth calming myself down. Letting my arms fall to my sides I shivered.

The need to run was great. Getting away would be ideal, my insanity was starting to take over again. I was mad at the world. Mad at my parents for dieing. Mad at God for leaving me alone. Angry at Dally for lying. Fucking pissed off that I can't speak. As I tore off Mom's shoes I ran over to the truck and put them in the bed. Everyone was scattering away as the grave daggered filled my parents holes. I took the scarf off and tied it around the trucks antenna. After that I threw my gloves back into the truck and slammed the door. Everyone was almost gone from the graves except the gang and my brothers. Darry was searching for me when he noticed I was gone from the area. Me and him locked eyes.

Without thinking I waved goodbye to him. His mouth was moving but I couldn't hear him. As I started running he took off after me. I was down the road before he could catch me. He stormed over to the truck and kicked it before starting it up.

"I've gotta go get Lucy." he told Soda through the open window.

"You don't have to Dar, she's just going for a run. She wanted to run home." he told him.

"How do you know?"

"She told me." Soda said a matter of fact.

"Man, she didn't say a word." Dally chimed in.

"Well I understand her and she is almost home by now, lets meet her there."

Two-bit murmured getting in the truck. "Told you guys they could read each others minds."

The guys headed home, all hoping I would be there. When I arrived at my house I was completely soaked. My legs stormed into the house and I paced for about a minute before going out on the back porch. I stood staring at the bar from the porch. From where I was I could hear them come in the house. Darry was calling for me so I knocked on the back door to let him know I was there. He came out on the porch with me.

"Why'd you run off?" I shrugged and put my hand over his heart. He pulled it away and backed away from me.

"No, I want you to talk!" he hollered. "Say something God damn it!"

Soda came out with us, I looked him in the face. "Lay off Darry, she's trying to talk."

"Shut up and go back inside. This is between her and I!" I shook my head no and turned away from him. After a few minutes both men went back inside. I was left alone out there to let my emotions run dry. But nothing would come out. It was starting to get dark out and the rain picked up. Someone came out with me on the porch, I turned to see Two-bit. Oh lord, what did he want?

I shifted away from in the corner of the patio, staring at him. At that moment I wanted to crash myself into him and cry myself to death. My lungs wanted to scream to him, he looked so inviting. Without thinking I leapt at him and clenched to him. Two-bit wrapped his arms around me and held me close to his body. For the first time since my parents died I sobbed to someone. I sobbed loudly and gasped hyperventilating. I was shaking uncontrollably.

Screams were sounded around me as was thunder. I clenched his shirt with my hands. My legs started moving up and down as we stood. There was just so much pent up energy that was leaking out of my body. He started to bring me into the house, the screams got louder as he moved me. Everyone in the house was silent as we entered. Soda leapt from the couch and was next to me trying to see my face.

"Glory Two-bit, what did ya do to her?" Steve asked shaking his head like he wasn't seeing me breakdown

My body ripped itself away from Two-bit and was pacing. Soda was following beside me. I wanted to punch the hell out of something and let out my anger. I was clenching and unclenching my fists at my sides as I huffed and screamed. Dally pushed Soda out of the way, knowing what I needed. Without warning I kicked the coffee table, everyone heard a crack and gasped. It was either my ankle or it was the table. "Jesus." Pony said tears in his eyes.

They all got out of my way as I paced from one side of the house to the other. Screaming and sobbing the entire time. Hitting and kicking anything that got in my way. After the thirty seventh time I passed by the kitchen, believe me I counted, and collapsed to the ground. I began to crawl to my parents room. Everyone followed me into the room as I sobbed on the floor.

"What's the matter with her Darry?" Pony asked. "I've never seen her like this."

"None of us have Pon." Soda said sitting on the floor next to me. He tried to touch my shoulder giving me comfort but screamed at him. Like he had burned my skin. I was shaking and hyperventilating. They've never seen me like this, well I've never been like this.

"She just couldn't hold it in anymore, poor baby girl." Darry whispered more to himself than to the room. I was screaming and sobbing for another twelve minutes before I started to calm down. Finally words came out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry!" well it was more like a scream than words. My voice was hoarse and raspy from the lack of use and from crying.

"I want to go home." I'm not sure what I meant by it. I was home, in my house, in my parents bedroom.

"Honey, you are home." Soda said trying to reach for me again.

"NO!" I hollered moving way. "Don't touch me."

I panted for a few minutes and than stood up, everyone tensed like I was going to fling myself into a wall like I was possessed or something. "I'm going to take a shower."

With that I left them to dwell on my actions. As I gather my clothes from my room I also grabbed a lighter. I went over to Dallas and pulled him into the bathroom. I sat him down on the counter and shut the door behind us.