Warnings: Okaaay, let's hope that no one goes, "Eh? What the heck is going on?!" And yes, there is only the epilogue left after this.
Chapter Nine
Tsuzuki was already up and about when Hisoka opened his eyes blearily.
"Hisoka!!!" Tsuzuki exclaimed happily, sprouting the adorable puppy-ears and tail that melted everybody's hearts. So far, only Tatsumi seemed to be outwardly immune to Tsuzuki's charm. But whenever Tatsumi looked at Tsuzuki, Hisoka could sense…
Hisoka shook his head, banishing all thoughts of Tatsumi. What Tatsumi felt for Tsuzuki was purely the other's man business and wasn't of his concern.
Hisoka used to be unaffected by Tsuzuki's mannerisms and antics as well, but after a while, his defenses had started slipping. More often than not, they would get into an argument with Hisoka seemingly having the upper hand, yet ending up giving in to the other without even knowing it.
He supposed that Tsuzuki's puppy-dog charm was universally effective.
"Hisoka! What do you want for breakfast?"
"Anything except your cooking would be fine," Hisoka muttered groggily.
"You're sooo mean! What's wrong with my cooking?"
"Not only is your cooking terrible, your taste buds must be failing from old age as well," Hisoka answered irritably. He wasn't in the best of conditions today.
"Mou…"
"Quiet, or I'll kick you out of the room!"
Tsuzuki walked over and took his customary position by the side of the bed.
"Hisoka…"
"Just go away, I have a headache." Somehow, he felt guilty for telling Tsuzuki off. The other had only meant well, after all.
But then, things had always been that way between them. Tsuzuki would openly display his affection, and Hisoka would just swipe him away.
"Ne, Hisoka, have you ever wished that sometimes it were things that changed instead of people?"
Hisoka buried his head into his pillow. His brain didn't seem to be functioning very well. Thinking about weird philosophy only made him feel worse.
Tsuzuki placed a hand on his forehead worriedly.
"Hisoka, you have a fever."
"Uh huh…" Hisoka didn't really bother to listen to what Tsuzuki was saying.
"I'll get Watari," Tsuzuki said before hurrying off.
Hisoka wanted to tell him that no, he did not have to get Watari because he didn't want to go through another one of Watari's checkups and he was sure that he would be fine after a day's sleep.
But Tsuzuki was already gone.
***
"Um…I think he'll be fine after a day's rest."
If Hisoka had the strength, he would have glared at Tsuzuki and said, "See? I told you so," but since he hadn't, he just turned to face the other side of the room.
He could feel Tsuzuki's worry through their bond. Why was Tsuzuki making such a fuss over an ordinary fever?
"Are you sure, Watari? I mean, he doesn't fe…look very well right now," Tsuzuki asked anxiously.
Hisoka noticed the near slip that Tsuzuki almost made. He had been about to say 'feel' instead of 'look'.
He had almost forgotten that whatever he was feeling, Tsuzuki would feel as well. Not as if Tsuzuki himself had a fever, but more like…
Hisoka knew he wasn't drawing the best of comparisons, but it was as though Tsuzuki was touching the fur of a puppy and being able to feel if the fur was rough or silky. If the puppy had a skin disease, Tsuzuki wouldn't exactly experience the pain, but he could feel the effects by touching the fur that would either be coarse or unkempt.
Hisoka supposed that his fever must really be affecting his mind processes. Puppies, of all things.
Tsuzuki was giving him weird looks. Of all the times for the man to be reading his mind…
Tsuzuki must have thought that he'd finally gone crazy.
Hisoka knew that he was blushing. But since his cheeks were already flushed from his fever, nobody really noticed.
Except Tsuzuki.
Hisoka could feel Tsuzuki laughing through their bond.
He wanted to strangle his partner right then and there.
"I guess I'd better be going," Watari said, totally oblivious to the byplay of the other two. "Get some rest, Bon."
Tsuzuki saw the scientist off before settling beside Hisoka, propping his elbows on the bed and looking up at the young boy with a playful grin on his face.
"What?" Hisoka demanded, annoyed.
"Nothing," Tsuzuki answered, still smiling.
Hisoka closed his eyes and tried to sleep, totally ignoring his partner.
He found that he couldn't sleep, not with the way Tsuzuki was looking at him. He seemed to be able to feel the other's intense gaze dissecting his every feature.
Finally opening his eyes with a sigh, he said threateningly, "Tsuzuki…"
"I'm sorry." For some reason, Tsuzuki felt hurt. The elder Shinigami sat back up and looked away from Hisoka.
Hisoka closed his eyes again. He didn't feel as awkward now, but Tsuzuki…
"You looked so cute with your eyes closed."
Emerald eyes snapped open again.
Hisoka was silent as he tried to think of a suitable comeback to that statement.
For now, he couldn't think of any, as his brain seemed to have shut down from embarrassment.
Tsuzuki seemed amused.
"You don't have to think of a way to yell at me, you know…" he said, ruffling Hisoka's hair, which annoyed the other.
"Though I suppose I don't really mind," he said after a moment's reflection.
Hisoka peered up at him from under long eyelashes warily. That was said sincerely. Tsuzuki didn't mind at all.
In fact…in fact…
Hisoka felt the heat rising in cheeks all over again.
In fact Tsuzuki found even that cute as well.
Tsuzuki must be crazy.
"You should sleep," Tsuzuki said while pulling the blankets up over Hisoka.
Hisoka wanted to remind the man that it was because of him that he couldn't get any sleep, but couldn't bring his heart to it when he looked into melting amethyst eyes.
It seemed that he had just developed a soft spot for Tsuzuki's eyes. Or maybe it had always been there, and he'd only just discovered it.
"Sleep, Hisoka," Tsuzuki said softly.
Hisoka closed his eyes and felt himself drifting off with the constant reminder of Tsuzuki's steady presence by his side.
***
Hisoka opened his eyes to find that he was in a vast field, with soft sakura petals falling gently to the ground with each gust of wind.
He didn't know what; but something to compelled him to walk on, a foreign yet magnetic presence that beckoned to him.
It was a very dark night, the sky devoid of any presence except for the…
Except for the bleeding image of a crimson moon.
This was his dream of what happened before his death.
He wanted to run, but he couldn't. He merely stood there, held by that frightening force, making him wait till a familiar figure emerged.
The demon in the guise of a silver angel.
This time there was no woman, no brutal murder, only him and the man who took his life.
They looked at each other for what seemed like eternity, but was in a fact only moments.
Muraki smiled. Hisoka wanted to cry at the sight of that smile. He tried to bring himself to run, but he couldn't free himself from the man's hypnotic gaze.
Muraki walked towards him slowly. Hisoka remained standing as he approached, green eyes wide with fear.
And still he couldn't bring himself to run.
Muraki ran a finger down his cheek, whispering words that he heard, yet didn't really hear.
Hands made theirs way down his trembling chest, further down…
He didn't run.
He didn't want this; he didn't want this…
He did nothing as the man repeated what he had done to him not only once but twice.
All the while, emerald eyes stared into the crazed eyes of a murderer.
// No, I don't want this…someone save me… //
There was a soft whisper…Muraki was saying something…
Let me see the radiance of a dying spirit…
// Tsuzuki!!!!!! //
***
Hisoka woke up in Tsuzuki's arms, drenched in sweat and tears. Crying into Tsuzuki's chest, he drank everything of Tsuzuki almost desperately—the warmth, the comfort, the reassurance…
He remained crying.
Tsuzuki held him silently until the weeping diminished into quiet sobs before saying quietly, "It's a dream, Hisoka. A dream."
Tsuzuki didn't ask if he was all right all not, because it was obvious that he wasn't. He didn't ask if there was anything that he could do to make Hisoka feel better, because he knew that he was already doing everything he could.
He only told Hisoka that it was dream.
It might have seemed foolish to others; they would think that Tsuzuki was only stating the obvious.
But it was part of what Hisoka needed. He knew that it was only a dream, but fear of a dream is as real as any other fear.
Having Tsuzuki confirm that it was just a dream helped to ease the fear.
Tsuzuki laid him gently back onto the bed and climbed in with him, pulling the covers over them. Wrapping his arms around of Hisoka, he was love, concern, and support.
Hisoka merely closed his eyes, unable to return to sleep so soon after the horror of the nightmare.
Tsuzuki began softly humming. He did that the first time they were like this, saying that it was a song his sister used to sing to him--a special song. It helped soothed the fears away.
His mother used to sing to him before she called him a monster.
He liked the gentle quality of Tsuzuki's voice.
Gradually, Tsuzuki began to place the words to the tune.
Wash the pain away, let me touch your soul.
Wash the fear away, I will never let you cry.
Wash the tears away, let the laughter flow.
Wash the doubt away, I will make you fly.
Again and again, Tsuzuki repeated the song. Like Tsuzuki, it was all simplicity, innocence, and warm affection.
Tsuzuki said that it was a special song that no one else knew about. He said that it was one of the few things of his sister's that he still kept.
He shared it with Hisoka. He said that he wanted Hisoka to hear it as well.
Wash the pain away, let me touch your soul.
Tsuzuki had already done that. He tore down all the barriers that barred anybody from reaching Hisoka's soul. Their souls, blending and existing together, stretched out between two beings; Tsuzuki had indeed touched his soul.
Wash the fear away, I will never let you cry.
He didn't know. He didn't know if there would come a day when both of them wouldn't cry anymore. But with Tsuzuki the tears were lesser. Did he do the same in return? Did Tsuzuki cry as often as he once did? Or did Hisoka make the tears lesser as well?
Wash the tears away, let the laughter flow.
He had stopped laughing after he was abandoned by the people around him. Till now, he had not even smiled a true smile. Could Tsuzuki make him smile? He had long since forgotten how. Tsuzuki smiled and laughed, but they were almost always false. He liked it when Tsuzuki gave him one of his true smiles; he treasured each and every one of them. They told him that he could make Tsuzuki smile.
Wash the doubt away, I will make you fly.
Was it possible? Could he really be free from all the pain, fear and tears?
Could Tsuzuki make him fly?
The promise…Tsuzuki said that together, there was nothing that they couldn't do.
He leaned into Tsuzuki's embrace as the other tightened his hold.
Together, there was nothing that they couldn't do.
***
Everything around him was dark. He was in a cold, empty room, trapped within the hostility of the blank, staring wall.
He touched the walls hesitantly. Could he get out?
He turned again to face the one person he did not want to see.
He was in another bad dream.
This time, he made himself back away, away from the demon before him.
They stared into the other's eyes with each step they took.
Hisoka stopped when he felt the rough surface of the wall behind him. Muraki's silver gaze remained locked onto his.
Rough hands traveled down his body, taking what they wanted, giving nothing in return.
He was crying again.
Let me see the radiance of a dying spirit…
Pain…he felt only pain.
Listlessly, he looked past the shattered glass of a broken window that revealed the world outside.
He could see only a moon that was drenched in blood.
Pain…
// Tsuzuki, help me… //
***
Hisoka woke up, his chest heaving as pain wrecked his body. He could barely feel Tsuzuki's soothing presence through the pain that now controlled him.
Raising trembling hands to his face, his vision was filled with red when he saw the marks that Muraki had left on him.
Two ancient sets of curses, pulsing in alternation with each other, flaring a brilliant read against his fair skin.
He could feel Tsuzuki's shock and horror rolling through their bond in waves.
He felt himself spiraling down into darkness…the welcomed darkness, where he wouldn't feel the pain anymore.
He could hear Tsuzuki calling him frantically.
"Hisoka, you're burning…Hisoka!"
Darkness overcame him.
***
This time, Tsuzuki wasn't holding him when he woke up. The other was running his fingers through his hair in the way he always did, his face pale and worn.
Tsuzuki smiled when he saw that Hisoka was awake.
It was a false smile.
"Would you like anything to drink? Something to eat?" Tsuzuki asked.
Hisoka shook his head.
Silence fell. Not the silence that they knew and treasured, but an uneasy, ominous silence.
Hisoka looked into the other's eyes, but Tsuzuki turned his face away with the pretense of wiping away non-existent dust from his eyes.
Tsuzuki was hiding something.
"Tsuzuki…" Hisoka reached out through their bond.
Tsuzuki backed away from his mental touch.
"You're hiding something," Hisoka accused. He was starting to get rather alarmed. Tsuzuki had never rejected his empathic touch before, why had the other cringed away just now?
"I'm not," Tsuzuki answered. This time, he drew Hisoka into a hug. It didn't offer the comfort that it usually did. "There's no need to be afraid."
Hisoka forced the man to meet his eyes. "You're lying."
Tsuzuki had been crying. And from what Hisoka could feel through their bond, he had been crying for ages. Inside, Tsuzuki was still crying; it was just that he didn't have any tears left.
Tsuzuki immediately released him when he realized that Hisoka could feel everything that he was trying to hide through their contact.
"Tsuzuki…what's wrong?"
Tsuzuki seemed about to place a hand on his, but withdrew it in mid-air as though he had thought the better of it.
"Nothing's wrong, Hisoka," he said soothingly.
Hisoka finally lost his temper. "You're lying! Something's wrong and you just won't tell me!"
"I would never lie to you…"
Emerald eyes burned in fury. "Even that one sentence is already a lie, because you just lied to me by saying that there was nothing wrong."
Tsuzuki didn't answer to that.
"You can't lie to me any more. Not with what we have between us now," Hisoka told him coldly, "You should know that."
"That doesn't mean that I have to tell you everything!"
Hisoka fell silent at that. True, that didn't mean that Tsuzuki had to tell him everything.
"But you shouldn't have lied to me," Hisoka said quietly.
Tsuzuki turned away, but Hisoka could feel the sudden wave of grief and anguish that flooded through their bond.
"I'm…sorry," Hisoka said finally, "It's just that I'm worried…and you wouldn't tell me anything, sorry."
Tsuzuki turned to face him again, violet eyes unreadable. None of them spoke for a while.
"Does it…does it have anything to do with me?" Hisoka asked tentatively, fearing Tsuzuki's reaction.
Tsuzuki didn't say anything, but Hisoka already knew the answer. Tsuzuki might be adept at shielding his emotions, but that was discounting the presence of their bond.
"If it does, I want to know what it is." Hisoka decided to push on. If Tsuzuki wouldn't tell him, maybe Watari could, or Tatsumi.
"Don't ask them anything!" Tsuzuki said sharply as a faint wave of alarm passed through the bond.
"Then you could at least tell me."
Tsuzuki looked pained. "Hisoka, please…everything's fine. You don't have to…"
"If it's about me, I deserve to know."
Tsuzuki suddenly jerked his head away, but not before Hisoka saw a gleam of tears in his eyes.
"It isn't important, Hisoka."
"Then why are you crying?" Hisoka asked.
Tsuzuki smiled weakly. Hisoka wanted to tell him to just give up on the pretense because it didn't work anymore.
"It's something else."
"You're lying again."
Hisoka placed a hand on Tsuzuki's arm hesitantly. "Tsuzuki…please…it's even worse not knowing."
Hisoka gasped as Tsuzuki suddenly pulled him into his arms and started crying openly.
"I'm sorry…I'm sorry. It's all my fault…"
:: Grief sorrow pain guilt remorse ::
"Hisoka…I'm sorry…why does it always happen…"
"Tsuzuki…what…?"
Tsuzuki suddenly pulled away and brushed back the hair from Hisoka's face.
"No…we still have time…"
He hugged Hisoka tightly. "We still have time…"
Hisoka lifted his head to look at the other. "Tsuzuki, I don't understand."
Tsuzuki finally let go of him and turned away, clutching his head in his hands.
"I…I can't…it's…"
He suddenly reached out to pull back one of Hisoka's sleeves, revealing the scars of the two curses that Muraki had placed on him.
Their eyes met for one moment before Tsuzuki lowered his eyes to the ground, his fists clenching and unclenching angrily.
Hisoka merely stared at the scars on his arms, stared at the welts crisscrossing each other almost angrily, half of it still fresh, half of it dull with age.
"Everything's going to be fine, Hisoka," Tsuzuki said softly.
"Tell me…"
And Tsuzuki finally told him.
He told him without words, but expressed more than any word could say.
Tsuzuki thought of blood and death, of life and suffering…
And finally of hope and defeat.
Hisoka listened, staying perfectly still as Tsuzuki's thoughts washed over him in waves.
At the end of it, Tsuzuki was crying again.
Hisoka let the other man hug him, let Tsuzuki try to comfort him, for that was what the other was trying to do.
And in return, Tsuzuki took comfort from the act of reassuring, took in warmth even while he was giving it.
There were no tears in Hisoka's eyes as he stared blankly ahead. He had experienced death before. He had been through torture that made death a means of escapism.
To go through it again…
He didn't want to die. It didn't matter last time if he died or not, because back then he had no one.
But this time, he had Tsuzuki. He had a family, a family that he only gained after his death.
He didn't want to lose any of them.
Perhaps he should be crying, but the tears just wouldn't come.
The marks of the fatal curses showed perfectly on his otherwise unblemished skin. There was the first curse that had led him to where he was now…
And the second that would take him away, take him to yet another world, one that was beyond the one he was in right now.
What happened to Shinigami after they died?
He supposed he was going to find out soon.
"We still have time," Tsuzuki whispered hoarsely.
Hisoka understood. The last time, he had suffered for three years under Muraki's curse.
"Three years…" he replied softly. Three years of pain and suffering, knowing nothing but torment and the ever-present longing to die.
Three years…
Hisoka looked into the Tsuzuki's amethyst eyes, the eyes that he had always thought were so beautiful.
Three years of pain…it was worth it.
He buried his face in Tsuzuki's chest. The tears were finally flowing freely now.
For Tsuzuki, it was worth it.
***
-- Just one question: I don't know if I'm wrong in my assumptions…but if the number reviews are a way to tell you if a chapter is good or not (personally, I don't think so, but most people do), than the last one wasn't as good as the rest. Was there a flaw in it? If I'm lacking in anything, or if you feel it was terrible, just say so, please?
-- As for Muraki, I really hate to spoil it, and I know that people are going to yell at me, but no Muraki/Tsuzuki confrontation, which means no fighting or something of the likes. I know, it's a tragedy (I love it when Tsuzuki bashes Muraki, only that he's hardly capable of it emotionally, suckers), but I just couldn't fit it in. Besides, Tsuzuki-san now has something even more important and pressing on his mind than revenge. ^^ I do so love angst. (But too much angst also makes people ill…oh well)