10
Castle of Fyrien, Outside of Camelot
Arthur looked outside the castle window, wondering, not for the first time, where it all went wrong.
He trusted his uncle wholeheartedly. He turned to him initially because his father was so ill, and he didn't feel confident enough to run a kingdom. He didn't have the faith to believe that his father prepared him to be a good king. He died too soon and before Arthur was ready.
As if you could ever be ready to face the death of a parent.
It was a huge mistake. He lost so much listening to his uncle's council. He lost love, allies, and now Camelot.
He still couldn't believe that Merlin, Gaius, Leon, Gwaine, Elyan, and Percival were still so determined to follow his leadership.
They still believed that he was the rightful king.
Their faith in him reminded him of another's unwavering faith.
He threw her away.
Guinevere.
It was his biggest regret. His ego was bruised and he was full of pride when he banished her. He hardened his heart at her tearful pleas to remain.
Nights were the worst. Dreams of her filled his night. They began with him loving her, and then they merged into nightmares of her lying dead somewhere, of her being abused by men. He was tormented by her cries for help.
Initially he tried to drown out his cries by courting other princesses.
But their empty heads and lust for his title did little for him; they only made him hunger for Guinevere more.
Meeting those princesses was a stupid thing to do.
Guinevere loved him. He loved her.
And he banished her.
When he finally realized his uncle's treachery a year after her banishment, he finally opened his ears to what Merlin had been saying all along.
It was all orchestrated by Morgana and Agravaine. Gwen was enchanted.
The thing that haunted him the most is that he wasn't confident in her love for him.
He so easily believed the worst about her.
Guinevere was steadfast in her love for him. Why didn't he question a sudden change in loyalty? Lancelot before he died had been a knight for over a year in Camelot. There was not a hint of impropriety between him and Guinevere.
His regret over mistreating her would be something he'd always live with. It didn't help that he was unable to find her.
Not for the first time, he wished he could see her again.
He figured even if she were alive somewhere, she probably hated him.
It was no more than what he deserved.
His thoughts were plagued with if only's.
If only he'd waited and made a decision with a cooler head.
If only he trusted her.
If only he hadn't taken her for granted, sure that she'd always be there. How many times did he let her go? He nearly married another, and she still loved him. He'd been enchanted! Yet she still loved him. He even told her she was an inappropriate choice.
He was a fool.
The relationship was all about him. He set the pace, he made the decisions.
Did she ever have a say?
Did she ever truly feel as if she had a right to speak her mind?
As if it happened yesterday, he remembered telling her how proud he was of her for defeating that beast, the Lamia. She looked genuinely surprised and pleased by his words. Even now, he could hear her words of encouragement.
"Arthur, you are precious."
"You'll be a great king."
"I see the man you are inside."
Did he ever encourage her like that?
When he saw her kissing Lancelot, something broke inside of him. He was so hurt. He made poor choices because he was blinded by hurt.
He banished her and threatened death if she ever returned.
He was stubborn about it for a year. Merlin tried to tell him, but he shut his ears to his arguments.
He didn't want to believe he couldn't trust his uncle. He didn't want to believe that he had another family member he couldn't trust. Not after he let go of the one he trusted most.
There were no words truly to describe his feelings towards Agravaine's treason.
It cut him deep.
It made him question his perception. He thought he was a good judge of character.
He had a lot to learn.
Shortly after learning the truth about his uncle, he went searching for Guinevere. He had no success.
In the midst of that Helios attacked. They were outmatched. The famed strength of Camelot was crushed under his men.
He had to retreat. Merlin had the idea of relocating to Fyrien. It was an excellent one. The castle was well fortified and nearly impossible to get into.
They hid out there, working at a plan to reclaim Camelot.
None of his plans had worked so far.
When Gwaine left, he was angry. Now he hoped that he brought some help.
Arthur Pendragon could finally admit he needed it.
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