New chapter! I'm thinking of illustrating some parts of this... It's a little saddening. I don't want to let this story end yet. How would you guys feel about a sequel of sorts? Though, this story hasn't ended just yet, so I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, this chapter is pretty long. Well, at least longer than most of the other chapters. In this chapter, we not only get to see what triggered Lovino's ED, but also ways to help with it. I mean, most of Antonio's efforts are probably what you should do to help someone with an ED, but if you can't, the next best method would be the Actual/negative mind comparison. You'll see what this is later in the chapter.
Alright, I'm done blabbering. Same warnings as before and I hope you guys are enjoying reading this story to at least some extent.
Chapter 10. "I'm a prisoner to this girl Ana,
I'm captive to her will,
I can't help but do what she says.
How can I be so fat still?"
"Why did you think you could wear something like that?"
Lovino froze, his textbook open in front of him and a taller student hovering over him. The classroom excitement for when the teacher stepped out had died down and he could feel all eyes on him.
"Seriously though, your brother's skinny. You? Not so much. When you sit like that, you can kinda see your fat." The boy sneered above Lovino.
Lovino determinedly avoided eye contact with the boy. Instead, he chose to focus on anything out of the window. Thoughts swirled around in his head. Lovino was the type of person to just punch and ask questions later...so why was he not doing it now? He kept urging himself to do something, to stand up to the boy and give a swift punch directly on the nose, then walk out.
But the more Lovino thought about it, the more difficult it seemed to become. The boy kept spewing insults at Lovino, and he couldn't do anything about it. He imagined someone, anyone, coming to the rescue. Lovino tried shying away, to curl in on himself, but still the boy continued.
After class Lovino could honestly say he felt like shit. He was beyond upset with himself that he didn't say anything. Maybe that's what he deserved, since he couldn't even defend himself. He was weak. When had he become so weak?
He sighed and decided to skip lunch. It was boring hanging out with just his brother anyway. He found a quiet place on a small bench in the hallway. He supposed he could spend this time re-reading his favorite book, it didn't seem like anyone was going to come around to bother him.
Fifteen minutes passed in peaceful silence, but Lovino found he couldn't focus on his book anymore. His hand reached down and gripped what fat was on his stomach. He could pinch it. He didn't realize how much he hated it. He grimaced and reached up to pinch his arms. Everywhere was squishy.. That boy in the class wasn't lying. A sudden, disturbing thought ran through Lovino's mind. Had he been this ugly and fat all along? Did people look at him and laugh at how ugly he was? Embarrassed, Lovino gripped the book tighter and tried desperately to focus on reading.
His efforts were in vain as he spent the remainder of the lunch hour brooding over his weight. He'd have to change, somehow. The lunch bell rang and Lovino packed his things, dreading his next class.
Lovino noticed him in class. He always sat with two other obnoxious idiots. Lovino didn't particularly like the blond one. They sat a couple seats from him in his class and he could always hear the boy with curly brown hair laughing at his two friends' antics.
Now, Lovino considered himself bisexual. He often would glance out of the corner of his eyes to admire the Spaniard. His name was Antonio. Lovino knew he didn't have a chance with him. He was too good for Lovino. He, himself was way too ugly for him. He'd never notice him. With those thoughts continuously bombarding him, he chose to seclude himself even more. Nobody would want him, let alone Antonio.
Lovino's goal weight is 110 pounds. If he can reach that, he'll stop. He skipped more meals gradually, sometimes even fasting for a day or two. He secretly bought a scale and kept it in his closet. Every night he'd weigh himself, recording his weight in a small notebook. Within two weeks, he dropped almost 10, 15 pounds. Lovino really couldn't believe it. If he lost weight this rapidly, what's to stop him from losing a couple more? He didn't have to shoot for a mere 110 – he could probably make it to 90, or even 80. Lovino considered this. Was it okay to lose that much weight?
He decided to look it up. While searching, he came across various pictures of people who definitely looked to be 80 pounds or less. They were everything Lovino wanted to be. Thin. Hipbones, collarbone, thigh gap… Perfection. He bit his lip as he stared at the images, wishing he could look half that thin.
~oO0Oo~
G-grandpa…." Lovino started, really at a loss for words. His eyes were wide and he had a steadily growing tint of blush staining his cheeks.
Romulus crossed his arms, raising a brow at Antonio. "...Carriedo… Can I speak with you for a moment?" He said in a gruff voice.
Lovino cringed. What was his grandfather going to do? Was he going to ban Antonio from seeing him? Was he going to beat him up? He grasped Antonio's arm tightly.
But Antonio seemed to put on a brave front. His expression was neutral, showing no signs of fear or worry. Instead, he nodded and turned to lovino, shooting him a kind smile and gently removing his hand. He mouthed a "Don't worry" to him, before standing up and following Romulus into the hallway.
Once the door was closed, Romulus sighed. He looked Antonio up and down and furrowed his brows. "How long has...this been going on?" He asked him .
He thought for a moment, wondering what he should tell Lovino's grandfather. He didn't necessarily feel intimidated, he could understand how it must seem to suddenly discover your ill grandson in a relationship with a strange boy. "Almost two months." He decidedly answered.
Romulus nodded. "I know your family. Your grandfather and I were friends when we were younger."
Antonio smiled a little. "I had a feeling. Both my grandfather and dad talked about a Vargas."
"This is a difficult time for Lovino, I have nothing against your relationship, other than the fact that he didn't tell me and I am barely finding this out now. So I have to ask, why are you dating him?" Romulus changed the subject, narrowing his eyes at Antonio, who only frowned in response.
"I know it's a difficult time. In all honesty, I find plenty of things great about him. It sounds awful to hear you ask that because it sounds as if there's nothing to be gained from dating Lovino, when in fact it's an honor to simply just admire him. He is more than this illness and I'm beginning to think you don't see that." Antonio glared at Romulus intensely, never backing down or losing eye contact.
It almost looked like a flicker of anger flashed through Romulus' eyes, but he surprised Antonio by sighing heavily and slumping his shoulders. He ran a hand through his messy hair and leaned against the wall. "You're probably right. I'm old. I don't know the first thing about this illness and I don't know how to help Lovino. But...I saw him eat. I saw him put that candy in his mouth." Romulus murmured.
Antonio nodded, smiling a little. "There is hope for Lovino. He's not too far gone. I can tell he's strong and can fight it. But you also have to be willing to help him. You have to learn this illness inside out to be able to understand it and help him beat it. He can't do it alone."
Romulus gave Antonio a peculiar look. "...You really did your research..."
Antonio nodded earnestly. "Of course I did. I want to help Lovino. In any way I can."
Romulus gave a half smile, extending his hand to Antonio. "I knew your parents would've raised you right. I can see that my grandson is in good hands." He said softly.
Taking his hand and shaking it, Antonio beamed and grinned. "Of course." He responded. "We'll help Lovi get better."
~oO0Oo~
They returned to the room where everyone looked up anxiously. Lovino looked terrified, but his face soon became relieved and Feliciano sighed. Antonio took his seat next to Lovino, reaching out and taking his hand. Lovino's eyes widened and he glanced nervously at his grandfather, who pulled up a chair at the foot of Lovino's bed.
"I'm fine with it. But you and me are going to have a talk about keeping secrets. Especially if it's about dating." Romulus said sternly, but his eyes were kind.
Lovino slowly nodded, shyly interlacing his fingers with Antonio's. "...The book..." He murmured.
"Hm?" Antonio tilted his head, smiling.
Lovino shifted, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. "T-the book...I liked hearing you read it..." He slumped down the bed, looking as if he was going to cover himself with the blanket.
"Oh! You want me to read more?" Antonio asked happily, picking the book up and flipping it open to the page where he left off.
"I like stories." Feliciano murmured, getting up from his chair and crawling onto the bed to lay beside his brother. Lovino moved over to give him room and the two stared intently at Antonio.
"I am very curious to hear about this apparently great book that you keep reading, Lovino." Francis admitted, leaning back in his chair. The rest of the room seemed to hum in agreement.
Antonio nodded, looking down to the book. "Alright, sorry if you don't know what's happening at first, but it's really good, it'll keep your attention." He told them.
Almost an hour and a half passed and at that point, Antonio's voice seemed to waver. When he sighed and closed the book, everyone seemed to realize how late it was getting.
"I need to go and buy that book now." Arthur said, standing up and stretching. "This was very enjoyable. I'm glad we came."
Antonio stood up as well and Lovino gave him a pleading look. He laughed and whispered, "Relax, I'm not leaving. I just need a drink." He reassured him.
Lovino frowned. He reached behind him and pulled the bottle of water Antonio had given him earlier, holding it up to him.
Antonio shook his head. "Ah, no, I'd rather you drink all of it, my love." Antonio said in a raspy voice. He laughed softly at the pout Lovino gave him.
As Antonio searched for the vending machine, a tug on his shirt's sleeve caught his attention. He turned and Feliciano was standing behind him, looking nervous. "I...I read up on it and...and I think there's something Lovi should try." He told Antonio.
Antonio stopped and his eyes widened slightly. "What is it?" He asked in a hushed whisper.
Feliciano fidgeted and stammered as he tried to explain. "Well, you see- I think Lovi should try...writing." He continued in a rush. "But! I mean, he should write down the things his negative mind is thinking, and then next to it, write the positive, the opposite of it!"
Antonio grinned, clasping Feliciano's shoulder gently. "That is a terrific idea! It might do him good to tell apart which thoughts are which."
Feliciano nodded, looking relieved. "Only problem is, he probably won't listen to grandpa and I. I think if you urged him enough, he'd be maybe willing to do it."
"Of course. I'll talk to him about it." Antonio smiled. To be honest, Antonio had no idea where to start to cure this illness of Lovino's. Alfred and Lovino didn't get enough time alone to talk, and he really couldn't think of any reliable options. But Feliciano's plan seemed like a good idea. If Lovino could identify what the negative side of his mind was constantly telling him, he could begin to fight against it. But….Had Lovino ever outright say he was going to try and get better? Antonio was sure he must've. Lovino was unhappy right now, so surely he'd do his best and cooperate with them, right?
Antonio and Feliciano eventually made it back to Lovino's room to see a woman neatly dressed sitting at his bedside. She had her hair pulled up into a bun and was jotting things down on a clipboard. Lovino was frowning and had his arms crossed stubbornly.
Romulus stood and walked over to them, explaining in a whisper. "The therapist. She says that Lovino is going to need constant supervision. Since the hospital staff is a little busy tonight, they will allow one person to stay with him overnight."
"B-but if it's you, where am I going to go for the night, grandpa?" Feliciano asked worriedly.
Romulus smiled. "...Once the therapist told Lovino and I that, he insisted that Antonio be the one to stay. I tried to reason with him that you haven't even gone home to change, Antonio. But that boy wouldn't change his mind."
"It's definitely no problem at all." Antonio grinned, barely able to control the bubbling happiness he felt at Lovino choosing him. "I can run home real quick and grab a few things while you two are still here. It won't take more than fifteen minutes." He told the two.
Romulus nodded slowly. "…I'm sure you can understand my concerns at letting my grandson's boyfriend stay the night with him...Alone..."
"Concerns? I can assure you, there really doesn't have to be any." Antonio assured Romulus.
They were interrupted when the therapist coughed to get their attention. "Who will be staying?" She asked the three.
"I will, m'am." Antonio spoke up.
She motioned for him to follow her out into the hall, where she then began to explain what he was supposed to do for Lovino. "Try not to fall asleep. I cannot stress this enough. People with anorexia tend to get sneaky and clever. They will resort to any method to find time to either purge or not eat." Once Antonio nodded, she continued. "I will not require you to keep conversation up the entire night, but it is recommended. There is hospital staff, but they are a little busy tonight so make sure that it's something important if you want to call them."
Antonio once again nodded. He definitely didn't mind the extra time with Lovino. It made him feel better to know that he'd have a constant eye on him. Once the therapist explained and said her goodbyes, Antonio prepared to leave as well.
"We need to head out too." Arthur yawned, glancing outside at the sunset. "We'll be sure to drop in again sometime tomorrow." He told the group. Antonio walked with Alfred and Arthur out into the parking lot, where Alfred pulled him aside.
"It's actually really cool that you're so involved with Lovino." He told Antonio. "It's always nice to feel like you have at least one person you know you can trust." He gave a sideways glance at Arthur, who smiled.
Antonio laughed softly. "Thanks. I actually really can't picture myself in the future with anyone else except Lovi."
Alfred chuckled. "That's great. I'm sure you two will be able to have a future together."
~oO0Oo~
Antonio opened the door to his house and crept in. He heard the clattering of plates in the kitchen, and the sound of the TV in the living room. As he made his way down the hallway to his room, he saw his father, sitting at the couch. Antonio silently cursed.
He slowly crept behind the couch, crossing his fingers that he not be discovered. After making it past the living room and into the hallway, he silently entered his room and closed the door. He wanted to try that exercise that Feliciano had suggested with Lovino. He wanted more than anything to know what kinds of thoughts were in his head. He packed a notebook and a pen as well as a new change of clothes. He opened the door and crept into the bathroom, across from the office where he packed his toothbrush and toothpaste.
Once he decided he had everything, he checked to make sure the coast was clear before making a silent run for it to the front door. It was as he opened the door that it creaked. Loudly. His dad glanced over his shoulder and Antonio tried to hurry out the door, but he was called out to.
"Antonio? Get back in here." His father demanded.
Antonio sighed. Closing the door and walking over to him. He crossed his arms and grimaced. "I tried calling you. You're behind on your work." His father said in a stern voice.
"I'm….busy with something more important." Antonio hesitantly explained, hitching his bag onto his shoulder. His father didn't seem impressed, and lowered his gaze to Antonio's bag.
"Where are you going?" He questioned.
"Not going, staying. I'm spending the night. Look, I'll make up all the work sometime. But right now, just let me go." Antonio pleaded. He didn't wait for his father to answer, instead he turned and left, slamming the door behind him. He really didn't have time to deal with his father.
When he finally got back to the hospital, it was to meet Romulus and Feliciano getting ready to leave. They both smiled at him as he ran up to them.
"A nurse is checking up on him right now. You can head right on in." Romulus told him. Feliciano gave him a tight hug and they parted ways.
Antonio opened the door to Lovino's room. The nurse had just let him lay down and they both turned to look at him as he walked in. "Oh. Are you the one staying with Lovino?" She asked in a cheery, high-pitched voice. Antonio nodded and walked over to the bed. The nurse continued, "He is doing pretty good. After he's released, he's required to go to counseling at least twice a week and a nutritionist at least once a month. Think you can do that, Lovino?" She asked as she turned to Lovino.
He nodded shyly and with that, the nurse left the two of them alone.
"She treated me like a fucking child." Lovino grumbled, scooting over and patting the space on the bed for Antonio. He smiled and accepted Lovino's offer, crawling onto the bed and snuggling up close to Lovino, wrapping his arms around his small waist.
"She's just doing her job, mi amor." Antonio said softly, resting his head on the juncture of where neck met shoulder. "We all want to help you get better."
Lovino blushed at Antonio's actions, not sure whether to push him away or let him embrace him closer. He shifted uneasily before deciding on a response. "Um...I do..." He stammered. He waited until Antonio lifted his head to look at him with wide eyes before continuing. "I mean- I've wanted to for a long time… But every time I come close, I get...thoughts. No one can hear them and I can't ever speak of them. It just feels...lonely." He finished with a sigh.
At that, Antonio reached up, cupping Lovino's cheek and leaning forward to kiss him. Lovino could've definitely sworn it was the gentlest, most endearing kiss he's ever received from Antonio. When he pulled away, Antonio gazed at Lovino sternly. "You are not alone. I am always here. I will never judge you or turn you away. You can always rely on me, Lovi." He said softly, kissing him once more to emphasize his point.
Lovino was blushing furiously, trying to focus on anything in the room that wasn't Antonio. "Ah- um...w-well...thanks… That… that means a lot." He fumbled to say.
Antonio grinned and returned to resting his head on Lovino. "...I want to know what those voices say."
Sighing, Lovino finally wrapped his arms around Antonio, holding him against him. "Well, good luck. I won't be sharing anytime soon."
There was a peaceful silence in which Antonio simply listened to Lovino's heartbeat. He was surprised at how fast it was. Soon Lovino started threading his fingers through Antonio's hair, his mind wandering as the minutes dragged on.
He didn't know how much time had passed, but Antonio decided to speak up. Reluctantly, he pulled away and looked at Lovino, who was frowning. "I...have an idea.. Would you be willing to try it?" He asked hesitantly.
Lovino looked surprised, but hummed in consideration. "...Depends on what it is."
Antonio sat up, reaching over to the side of the bed and grabbing his bag. He unzipped it and pulled out a notebook and pen. Lovino watched him as he flipped the notebook open and began scribbling in it. Once he was finished, he showed Lovino. He pushed on his elbows in order to get a better look at what was written. In blue ink, the notebook read:
Negative Mind: Actual Mind:
He looked up at Antonio questioningly. "I want you to write down what those bad thoughts tell you. Then either write the opposite or a positive one to counter that!" Antonio explained with a smile.
"...I don't… Are you sure you want to know what those things say?" Lovino frowned, staring at the notebook in his hands.
Antonio smiled, reaching over and placing a hand on top of Lovino's. "Of course. No one hurts you as long as I'm around. Including yourself." He told him as he placed a kiss on his forehead.
"...Okay…" Lovino murmured as he took the pen from Antonio. He leaned on the headboard as he began writing. Antonio laid beside him, humming a tune as seconds turned to minutes. Antonio wondered what he was writing. He knew those thoughts occurred constantly, so he was a little scared to see what kinds of thoughts bombarded Lovino on a constant basis.
Finally, Lovino put the notebook and pen down, sighing heavily. "...Okay..." He said with a trembling voice. Antonio sat up and took the notebook from him, sitting comfortably beside Lovino as he read over it. He started with the Negative Mind.
-What are you even doing here you disgusting fat pig. You take up too much space and are inconveniencing everyone around you.
-It's only a matter of time before Antonio gives up on you. You're too much for anyone to handle. No one will love you because of how screwed up your mind is.
-You're beyond weak. You tried many times to beat this, but you still can't. What makes you think this will be any better? You're better off dead. You're living like you already are anyway. If you eat less, you'll take up less space.
-You don't deserve to live. You don't deserve the luxuries of food. You hate the person in the mirror more than anything or anyone else. Disgusting. Pig. Ugly. Gross. Unloved. Unwanted.
Antonio had to put the notebook down, feeling something in the pit of his stomach akin to dread. He turned to Lovino who had his face buried in his hands and his knees brought up to his chest. "Oh, Lovi..." He wrapped his arms tightly around the lithe boy, even going so far as to heave him onto his lap. Hot, wet tears trickled down Lovino's face and landed on Antonio's chest, soaking his shirt, as he nuzzled closer.
"...It's embarrassing...telling anyone about those thoughts… I feel like I just revealed a part of myself I've kept locked away for a long time." Lovino said breathlessly. "I don't even know how to feel..."
"Shhh. It's not embarrassing. And even if you did just reveal a secret part of yourself, I should be the one feeling ashamed at taking pride in knowing I'm the first person you told. You don't have to feel any way, Lovi. You're fine." Antonio comforted him, gently petting his head as he held him closely to his chest.
"...Why… Why are you so damn nice!? How do you know just the right things to say?" Lovino half laughed out, half sobbed.
Antonio kissed his head and laughed softly. "Because it's you. I want to understand you more than anyone else. I want you to get better."
The notebook rested beside Antonio, forgotten. Lovino soon drifted into a semi-peaceful sleep, curled in Antonio's arms. Antonio, however, had not forgotten his instructions from the nurse. He didn't let himself sleep until he knew for sure that Lovino wouldn't try anything. Keeping his hold firmly around Lovino's body, he too fell into a light sleep.
Antonio didn't understand how someone so perfect could feel so insecure, how someone as loving as Lovino could hate himself so much. But he was determined to help him. He wanted to know the Lovino before this illness. He wanted to know just how brilliant Lovino could be once he started to think higher of himself.