A/N: And now with this chapter, we start getting into the emotionally meaty parts of the story. I meant to say in the last chapter that this one would feature Explanations, not Revelations, that will be in a future chapter. I had some trouble with the chapter title at first, until I decided a big theme I wanted to shine some light on was that black and white side Samira has to her feelings. The 'bad' side is the one that has stifled her emotions, leaving her pretty much non-committal to forging personal bonds with men, and the 'good' side is that hidden part that is within Samira to let her love again.
P.S. Thanks to Notavailable42 for the follow! I have a new twitter I'll be devoting my fanfiction updates on: EruFanFic
Chapter 10: The light and the dark of a heart
As the weeks passed since establishing Skyhold, the Inquisition worked hard to cement itself as a real organization, and with Samira as its leader, she mostly was keeping busy planning moves that helped secure potential alliances with noble houses. Every day at dusk she stepped out of the Inquisitor's shoes and stepped back into Samira Trevelyan's boots, training physically and staying on her toes magically speaking. Sometimes she would spend two hours training with Cassandra, or with Cullen, but when they weren't available, she would spar with Iron Bull. Bull was particularly the hardest to train with, despite the relationship the two had, he spent no time coddling her.
"Are you gonna charge me or not?" Bull grunted at her as he held a shield up, waiting for her to charge him with the sword she gripped in her right hand.
"I'm simply contemplating a strategy!" Samira called out to him, twirling the sword around by rotating her wrist.
"Afraid I'll knock you down again, eh?" He teased, knowing that would annoy her.
"Of course I am! You're more than twice my size, I'd be daft to keep trying the straightforward way."
Longswords really aren't my thing anyways.
"The point of this exercise in particular is to get you used to taking hits. Most assholes out there aren't going to hesitate to throw you down and gut you if you let them. The more accustomed you become to pain, the better you'll be able to take it."
"So, I learn to use the pain to my advantage?" Samira brought her hand to her chin thoughtfully.
"Yes, and if you build up your tolerance, you might just be able to shake off something that could get you killed otherwise. Works for me." He shrugged.
"Bull, that's because you're huge." Samira crossed her arms, wagging an eyebrow at him.
"Still doesn't mean it can't help you. Now come at me!"
"Here goes nothing." She threw her sword arm at the shield as she charged and immediately found herself back on the ground, with the wind almost knocked out of her.
"Good! Now let's go get a drink!" Iron Bull threw the shield to the side and extended a hand to help Samira up.
"I can't, not just yet. I had plans with Solas, it's a magic thing."
"Eh, you know how I feel about all that Fade crap." He rolled his eyes at the thought of it, spirits and demons were probably the number one thing he had a distaste for.
"Yes, I know how you feel, but you know it comes with the package." She turned her back to him and was about to leave, before being startled by Bull smacking her on the behind. She turned and gave him a light chiding look before pulling at his horns downwards for a quick kiss.
"Mhm. See ya later, Kadan." Bull turned and walked away to his destination: Herald's Rest.
An hour passed talking with Solas about the Fade, magic, and the ancient Elves before Samira noticed the time. Ever since she last spoke with Solas and entered into a dream-like state of the Fade with him, she found herself enjoying his company more and more and recognized she had many more things she could learn from him.
"I believe that marks the end of our talk for now. Good night, Inquisitor." Solas rose from the table and bowed to her as Samira left.
As Samira exited the main hall of Skyhold, she breathed in the night air and contemplated between going to the tavern or somewhere else for the night. She looked out to see a candle was lit bright in the stables and decided to follow her gut instead of going for her usual drink.
I suppose I should stop and see Blackwall. I sort of feel bad for blue balling him two weeks ago.
She snuck up on him from behind when she saw he sat in a chair at the contained fire, his back was to her.
"Did you miss me, Warden?" She laughed as she squeezed his shoulders, even though he wasn't startled.
"A little. You've been busy since last time we talked." He raised an eyebrow at her as she sat in a chair pulled up to the fire.
"Yes, but I figure I had to squeeze in time for you. How have you been?" She rested her back against the chair and brought her green eyes to his, piercing him.
"Been thinking, a lot." Blackwall's typical brooding made an appearance in the conversation.
"What about?"
"Corypheus. At least in a fortress like this we'll be able to see him coming from miles away if he tries surprising us again."
"Something tells me you've got other things on your mind too." Samira prodded him, sensing he was leaving some things unsaid.
"Corypheus made a hundred enemies when he kicked down our door, and when he came after you, he really made it personal. I swear I'll take that twisted bastard down, even if I have to die to do it." Blackwall said stoically, which gave a jump start to Samira's heart.
"I'm not losing any one to Corypheus, especially not you. And I've never been in the habit of saying that sort of thing to anyone, Blackwall." Samira crossed her arms, not liking the idea of losing him.
"Samira, you can't afford to think I'm special. I'm no different from any soldier lost at Haven. I can't deny I'm very fond of you, but whatever you want to call this is…" Blackwall looked down, his voice changing to a softer tone.
"What?" Samira could feel herself growing prickly.
She knew what he was getting on about, and didn't want to address it, but couldn't help herself but respond. The dark part of her wanted to deny it all, not let her have a chance to be happy with someone. The light within her that had been slowly growing protested this, pulling Samira into a direction that could either spell heart ache or fulfillment: love. She let her instincts guide the way this time, a hard feat to do when her conscious was always in control of her actions.
"It's impossible." Blackwall finished, not wanting to admit it.
"Why is that?" Samira moved to the edge of the seat and crossed her legs, her eyes still locked with his.
"My lady, don't. You're the Inquisitor, the Herald. People flock to your banner, ready to serve...to die. And I'm a warden. Duty calls above all else, our lives aren't ours to live." Blackwall rose from his chair.
"Well, I don't believe in all that; completely sacrificing everything and nothing in return? I believe one could fulfill one's duty and live their own life." She uncrossed her legs and moved to leave, but not before he grabbed her wrist.
"Samira, I...I hope you can forgive me for pushing you away. Come with me to the Stormcoast and I'll explain to you why I feel this way." He sighed, and Samira knew that this wasn't over, whatever 'this' was.
"That sounds ominous. Okay." She squeezed his hand and kissed him on the cheek before leaving to go to her bed chambers.
The next morning, Samira put on her typical black vest jacket outfit and met Blackwall in the stables.
"Bringing Raven with this time?" Blackwall said as he finished saddling up his Ferelden horse.
"Of course, she's barely been out the last two weeks. I'm sure she'd like to stretch her legs." She patted Raven after brushing her mane and took her position on top, ready to ride. The ride to the Coastlands was long of course, but not nearly as long as Samira's first trip. Leliana's scouts continued to find newer, better routes throughout Thedas.
"I trust we're almost there? You haven't said a word of what this place has to do with anything." Samira stretched her arms out, ready to go back to Skyhold, but remained patient.
"Up this hill here. We can tie the horses up at that tree." He led them to the tree at the base of the hill and they proceeded. When the ropes were fastened securely, Samira followed Blackwall's lead up the hill. After some time of silence and looking out to the sea, Samira saw Blackwall bend down and pick something off the ground.
"The Warden-Constable's badge." The way he acknowledged it Samira found odd.
"Dropped it, did you? Must have lost it last time we were here. How careless."
"How careless, indeed. After all, I did earn it. I shouldn't have let it go so easily." Blackwall sounded different then, as he almost spaced off in his own thoughts.
"I suppose it worked out then, us coming here…" Samira said, not knowing exactly what to say.
"Samira, this was my life before I met you. Crumbling ruins, endless battles. Death. I haven't known anything else for a long time, and being around you has...stirred things." He turned back from his thoughts to her when she approached him.
"Funny, that's what my life has been. Nothing really positive. The Maker must have thought it would be a good idea for us to meet."
"You tease, but...there's nothing here for me any more. We can talk back at Skyhold. I have to think." He cryptically ended it there, leaving Samira confused and still with questions but she continued with her patience, nonetheless.
On their way back, whenever they came upon bandits or a fade rift, Blackwall was just as protective over her, and Samira felt the two of them could take the world together. In the past, she always brought her friends with her, but now she was confident she didn't need the extra back up. Samira and Blackwall had grown together and knew how to fight well side by side. After making it back to Skyhold, Samira respected Blackwall by giving him space for the next few days, but after not hearing anything back from him, she started to get agitated.
I can't wait any longer! I'll send him a note!
Samira's inner teenager flared as she sat at her desk and thought of what to say in it.
"Dear Blackwall...no, that won't do. Blackwall, if you don't come talk to me, I'll...now I just sound like a cunt." Samira threw her hands up in the air, frustrated at herself for lack of finding the right words.
Stop overthinking it and just write the damn note, Samira.
"Meet me in my chambers tonight, I want to talk. -S" She stamped the bottom of the note with the Inquisition's seal and brought it to a scribe who said they would deliver it right away.
"And now I wait." Samira kicked her legs up on top of the desk, and after a couple of minutes, she found herself growing restless.
After some time, she decided to leave the chambers to get some air and came back, this time pacing almost nervously for Blackwall to arrive. It turned out he was already there, when she turned the warden was in the doorway that led out to the balcony overlooking the grounds.
"I knew you couldn't stay away." Samira couldn't help but have some satisfaction in her voice, seeing him lean up against the doorway.
"No, I couldn't." Blackwall sighed, but Samira knew it wasn't a bad thing.
"If only you knew how confounding you are, how impossibly infuriating." Samira kept smiling as he spoke, the light within her had silenced the darkness. Blackwall left the doorway and started towards her as he spoke. Samira did not falter.
"I wanted to thank you for accompanying me to that ruin. I wanted to-" When Blackwall got within a foot of her, the fire glowed warmly in his face, no longer seeming like shadows played across it.
"I just had to see you." He closed the distance, slowly but surely his face angled perfectly above hers and the distance was sealed when he took her mouth to his. Samira's body slightly swayed as the moment took them, and even though it was only a brief moment, Samira reacted fully this time, her lips were ready to part but then Blackwall broke off.
"No. This is wrong. I shouldn't even be here."
"Maker, this must be my punishment for that night I teased you! What's the problem? A vow of celibacy? A dead wife?" Samira smiled, not caring.
"Heavens no. It's nothing like that. I'm not what you want. I could never be what you deserve." Blackwall's response hurt Samira's being, she felt the exact opposite.
You poor thing, you don't even know how wrong you've got these roles reversed.
"If only you knew it's the other way around. Do you think that because you're a warden? You've got this obligation to fulfill?" Samira didn't understand why he was being like this; they had flirted and gotten to know each other so much more than she expected to and knew it had come to this moment.
"All I am, all I have, I gave to the wardens. There's nothing I can offer you. You'd have no life with me." The last part threw Samira off, all she wanted was to be with him at that moment. She brought her hand to his face and caressed his beard; he had softened her.
There's no going back at this point, I can't.
"Samira, I...I need you to end this, because I can't. I don't have the strength to say no to you now." He had a pained expression on his face, and all Samira wanted to do was stop it. Her empathy and desire for him intertwined, and although it all still confused her, she felt right in her response.
"I can't let this go now." Samira shook her head and felt a blush to her cheek as Blackwall brought his face close to her, their lips barely inches from one another.
"We'll regret this, my lady." Before she said anything back to him, she brought her fingertips to trace his lips slowly and leaned in to kiss him softly.
"Do you regret that?" Samira's inner temptress spoke and it was not a moment later Blackwall brought his lips to hers, this time parting them with his tongue. There were no more thoughts; Samira became lost in passion and only paid enough attention to their body movements as Blackwall moved her against the stairway rail, his arms now encircling her waist.
Samira brought her left arm around him and with the other roamed his arm up and down as he kissed her. He consumed her, his hands were tight around her waist, and his tongue left her wanting more and more as they danced with each other. Samira was grateful he did not break it off, she felt like she would die if he left her now. As one of Blackwall's hands reached up her back to feel her body against his, Samira began untying the thick brown overcoat he always wore and made her way down to the center buckle that kept it in place.
Blackwall moved from her lips to place hurried kisses all along her neck in between her shrugging him out of the coat and his thick gloves before she let him proceed to do the same to her. When it was her turn, she threw off the velvet scarf and let him unlace the strings in front of her bodice before she pulled him back to her. His lips took hers again, but this time Samira had enough mind to kick off her boots and bring her hands to the bottom of Blackwall's shirt. She gasped for breath in between his kisses and smiled when he allowed her enough time to pull the shirt over his head, showing a surprisingly muscled chest, full of dark hair with a hint of bristle to it.
After grazing her fingertips over it, she took his hand and led him over to her bed, ready to break all of her own rules. She laid back on the bed sideways, waiting for Blackwall to come to her. She waited as he followed suit by kicking off his huge boots and slowly climbed onto the bed over her. Samira's breathing started to pick up pace as the anticipation grew between the two of them. Blackwall looked down at her, stroked her flushed cheeks and brought his lips to slowly kiss her. Her fingers went through his hair, feeling soft long locks as he brought his hand to rest on her belly under her cotton shirt.
Samira bit her lip as her skin tingled in response; she then responded to his touch by guiding his hand upwards, not needing to show it all the way before he moved his hand to cup her breast. Samira's nipple automatically perked up in response, which made Blackwall grunt in approval. Samira moaned back as his hand roamed and squeezed at her; she couldn't help but intensify the kiss then. Shifting their position, Samira began to pull her pants off and proceeded to let Blackwall bring her shirt over her head, leaving her only in her scant underwear. Every time they removed an article of clothing, they resumed kissing, prolonging it out a bit more and each time their moans for each other increased.
When Samira could take no more waiting, her hands began to unlace the top of Blackwall's pants. He started to roam downwards too, he rest his hand over her core and could feel the wetness through her panties.
"Blackwall…" She breathed out his name when they stopped kissing and began a game of teasing.
"Samira…" He replied with his forehead resting against hers, catching his breath from all the kissing.
"Take me." She whispered, starting to tug downwards at his pants, needing him more than anything.
"My lady." He answered her with a kiss and pushed his pants down, now leaving Samira the only one with anything on, although that practically counted for nothing.
"Oh, Blackwall…" Samira said incredulously when she looked down and saw how thick around he was.
"Hope I don't disappoint." He gave a small chuckle, but Samira could tell there was some confidence hidden in his voice.
"Come here." She beckoned him with a finger to his chin, drawing him back to her lips. Their lips locked together and Samira groaned in pleasure as Blackwall pushed her panties to the side and slowly, almost tauntingly explored her.
His fingers were callused, but Samira couldn't tell as he found her clit and began to massage it in circles, his fingers feeling like velvet. Samira got more excited then, she nipped at his lip in answer as the motions caused intense pleasure to radiate all around her pelvis. Blackwall shifted his body on top of her then, but continued to massage her, this time he brought his lips over her neck and nipped back.
"Mmmm, Blackwall…" She murmured, squirming at his touch, desperately wanting him and needing to have more. When he sensed she had had enough, he leaned back and began to peel her underwear off, Samira could see his erection was stiff and ready for her.
"You are so beautiful." Blackwall marvelled at the sight of her naked form that lay under him, his hands rubbed her skin up and down until they reached her breasts, which he then cupped in his hands. Samira found herself blushing at him saying that, and smiled.
"What? Never been called beautiful before?" Blackwall's mouth pulled into a half grin.
"Not quite like you do. You're rather handsome yourself." She poked a finger at his gut, speaking like they were just in any regular conversation.
"Well, you are. Your skin is the softest I've ever felt…" He traced the backs of his fingers along her side and sent her shudders.
"Kiss me." She said with a sense of urgency in her voice suddenly, ready for him.
"As you wish, my lady." Blackwall leaned down, his form loomed over hers.
She brought her knees up and spread her legs to let him in between, giving him all the permission he needed. Samira wrapped her arms around his neck, their faces only a fraction apart as he moved into position. Gray and green eyes stared at each other as Blackwall's erection pushed up against Samira's entrance, the only thing that preventing it go further was Blackwall now.
"Blackwall, I need you." Samira barely whispered to him, the anticipation killing her. She easily welcomed him as he started to push his head in, but going all the way in was another matter.
As relaxed and ready as she felt, her walls immediately started to tense as Blackwall slowly pushed himself inside of her, causing her a mixture of groans and moans of pleasure in response. Blackwall kept his hands on her, his fingers played with her nipples as he settled himself into her and stayed still for a moment. Samira moved her hips upwards and in circles, getting used to him, which earned a sigh of approval from the warrior.
"You feel so right, here with me." Blackwall murmured into Samira's hair as he started to move in and out of her. Samira clenched reflexively, causing him to stiffen more as her walls goaded him on.
"Mhm!" Samira encouraged, her breathing getting away from her as she panted with his thrusts. His hips moved faster now, but not just in and out; Blackwall moved his hips in every direction as he penetrated her core, making her cry out in pleasure with it building up.
"Oh, fuck!" Samira cried out louder this time, her nails clutching his back side, grateful that he did not let up.
"Samira, this is amazing!" He panted into her ear, before pulling her up astride him. She sat atop him now, her legs folding behind her to straddle him. Samira placed her hands securely on his shoulders and began to use her leverage to ride him. Blackwall placed one hand behind him on the bed to steady himself as she went to work, slowly moving around his manhood.
"Maker, let me come…" She pleaded as her nerves burst with ecstasy that was not done yet. Samira continued to rock back and forth on Blackwall, kissing each other feverishly for several moments.
When Blackwall brought his hand to her clit again, Samira teetered on the edge of climax, but somehow he kept her on the brink. Her knees felt like mush, but gathering her magical energy about her kept her sustained long enough to keep going physically or else she would have been out of breath going at it so long.
"Oh, Samira. I'm close." Blackwall moaned into her mouth as their tongues fought with each other.
"I am too. Ohhhh…" She lost all control of words as Blackwall kissed at her neck and pushed at her clit with his thumb in a way that unlocked her.
She began to climax and rode it out for the longest moment, mentally seeing an explosion of stars. Her eyes transfixed on Blackwalls as he came in response, her unlocking becoming his own. He fell back on the bed and brought her with him, letting her rest her body on top of his.
Andraste's tits, that was like an explosion of stars meets the Fade…
Samira slid off and laid next to him, letting him adjust his arm around her so she could lay her head on his chest. Their bodies pressed up against each other warmed each other more than the fireplace could ever.
"Was that what you expected it to be like?" Blackwall asked, his hand gently placed over her arm protectively.
"Hmm...I think it exceeded expectations." She slyly said, gazing into the fireplace.
"I'd say the same, and more of course, my lady." Blackwall turned her face towards him and angled her lips back up to his.
"I'm glad I please. Now, let's get under the covers, I'm so tired now!" She found the energy to rise from him and pulled back the bed covers, pulling him with her.
"Shall I put the fire out?" Blackwall asked, once again sounding as proper as he usually did.
"Oh no, I'd rather drift off to sleep with it here to warm us." They resumed their position, Samira curled up to him and draped one leg over his, their toes touching.
"I would warm you all night, if you'll have me." He gave a small smile to her, Samira blushed and thought nothing of it at the time. Her mind was off playing somewhere else tonight.
"I'd like that." She cuddled up to him and they kissed one last time and watched the fire burn out in silence before sleep took them for the night.
But sleep was not a pleasant dream like Samira had hoped it would be. A vague background materialized, Samira could tell it was the Ostwick circle tower.
"Samira...I love you…" She looked at herself in the mirror and saw her seventeen year old self staring back. Her hair was shoulder length, back in a time Samira was still trapped by the restrictions of the circle.
"No, you can't love me. They'll come for you if you do…" Samira cried out to the voice that spoke to her. When she turned from the mirror, he was there.
"I don't care, Samira. They can't keep us apart!" The mage protested, coming to her now. His shadowed hand touched her face, making Samira shudder.
"No, you don't understand what they're going to do…" Samira found her voice trailing off as her surroundings faded around her, this time the dream shifted to a dank room with three people, one of them being the mage.
"You know the rules!" The templar's voice was harsh, nothing like the usual tame templars that were stationed at Ostwick. Samira backed up into the wall, her skin sweating as she re-lived her past in the nightmare.
"Leave him alone!" Samira screamed, trying to stop the templars from hurting her love, but to no avail. Her hands phased through their forms like she wasn't there.
"I love her!" The mage screamed as the templar started to beat him. Samira began to sob in pain for not being able to stop the torture, and for she knew what was going to come next in the nightmare.
"Very well, then. Bring me the lyrium." The Knight-Commander said to the other templar.
"No, please no! Anything but that!" He squirmed against his bindings, desperate to avoid what came next. Samira found herself huddling in the corner, unable to tear her eyes from the scene.
As the Rite of Tranquility began, Samira's stomach clenched, threatening to make her throw up as she watched with horror when the Knight-Commander began the rite. Before it could be finished, he held the lyrium brand above the struggling mage's forehead.
"Do you denounce your love for Lady Samira Trevelyan?"
"Yes, yes, yes...please don't make me a Tranquil!" The mage moaned, tears running down his eyes. Samira hurt deeply, his words cutting her like knives to her gut.
"That's a good mage." When the young man was given cause for relief one moment, the next was his demise. The commander nodded to the templar, and the brand was pressed against the mage's forehead, sealing the rite.
"NOOOOOOO!" Samira's screams filled the room, drowning out everything else in it until there was nothing but darkness left to her. All that was left in this nightmare was the cold empty feeling Samira had replaced where her heart had been, ever since that fateful day had taken place in her life.
Samira woke to a cold sweat, the sheets around her were damp. She was glad she was the first to wake, managing not to wake up the warden who was still in a deep sleep. Samira took a long look at Blackwall, her feelings clouded with the now fresh memory that reminded her why she was a broken woman. She gathered her clothes up and dressed for the day, trying to be quiet.
I'm not quite ready for the morning after glory, I need to think on my own before he wakes up.
"Inquisitor, you're here early!" Josephine said when Samira entered her chamber.
"Josephine, is that invitation ready for the Halamshiral ball?" Samira wasted no time with Inquisition business, wanting to get back to work.
"Why, yes it is! I was going to approach you later today about it." Josephine rose from her desk and brought the plans to the Herald.
"From the Queen's cousin, Grand Duke Gaspard? You'll have to fill me in on all the important people at this ball, court intrigue isn't really my thing." Samira said to Josephine's dismay.
"Of course, your worship. I plan to be by your side, and Cullen and Leliana will be there as well, so you won't be alone. It's important we investigate this threat to the Empress with due caution though. The Game can be deadly if one does not know how to play it."
"I don't doubt it, but at least I have wit and charm on my side. How are the travel arrangements coming?"
"We can leave for the journey tomorrow! I've been preparing the last few weeks on the sly so we would be ready."
"Excellent work, Josephine." Samira forced a smile, wanting to show her gratitude she had Josephine's help.
"There is just one more small, but important manner I think I should address with you before we leave."
"Yes?"
"Who did you have in mind to bring along? Your entourage will not only reflect on the Inquisition, but the Inquisitor personally as well. Might I suggest bringing Vivienne and Warden Blackwall? Having the court enchanter and a decorated warden will put you in a good light. I doubt I must say this, but others should probably stay home for this event."
"Oh, you mean Sera? Probably right on that one, who knows what kind of mischief she would get into there." Samira laughed at the thought.
"Precisely!" Josephine said exasperated.
"Very well then. I'll refer to Vivienne and Blackwall if they'd accompany me. And Cassandra? I'm sure throwing in some more nobility couldn't hurt our image." Samira and Josephine concluded the plans and the next day, the Inquisitor led a small group of Inquisition soldiers to their destination.
Samira did her best to not show anything was wrong when she was in Blackwall's company, but she'd be a liar if she said it wasn't obvious she was keeping a certain distance from her lovers.
I'll deal with this Iron Bull/Warden Blackwall mess when we don't have to worry about Orlais falling into chaos!
A/N: What did you think about Samira finally getting it on with Blackwall? Thoughts on her dream? I wasn't going to include that on this chapter at first, but as I sat editing, I felt like the chapter wasn't complete without it. I know I definitely left out the details on the whole Samira having loved someone in the past deal deliberately for the right moment to introduce that to the story, so I guess I felt ten chapters in was the right time.
Halamshiral is next up, I don't plan on covering the whole thing (ugh, that would honestly be a pain to write that whole main quest out) and for my Iron Bull fans, I have not left him in the dust! Love triangles can be tricky, but its my first real attempt at writing one so if it seems a little janky in places, bear with me! Reviews are always appreciated, especially in this part of the story. I never know what's really good in my stories until I get outsiders opinions, so thanks! -Erulastiel